• Member Since 2nd Aug, 2017
  • offline last seen 6 days ago


Hi, I'm a short story writer who caters to things that, more often than not, offends people!


When Twilight Sparkle mysteriously appears and tells Princess Luna she needs to be saved, Luna finds herself fighting an adversary that neither steel nor magic can dispose of.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 13 )

I think you have a good start here, but it also needs some work. The dialog comes off as very wooden at times, and Twilight seems pretty out-of-character. It doesn't seem to me that Twilight would be this cagey about things. She's generally a straightforward mare.

Anyway, I don't want to be too negative. I get what you were going for, and you came this close to pulling it off. The story does have some genuine sweetness to it. It's just not something I can totally buy.

The dialogue was wooden, Twilight would know better than to use an unclear metaphor like "Save me" on an old pony like Luna with her own reasons for not getting metaphors, and if she didn't, she'd have tried a different approach after a few lines.

But Glimmer wasn't involved in this story at all, so I'm giving it a thumbs up because I can.

Than you for the constructive criticism! =)

You're welcome, and thank you for accepting it graciously. (That's a skill not all authors seem to have :unsuresweetie:)

Can you clarify what you mean by wooden?

What do you mean by wooden?

Yeah, sorry, I know "wooden" is pretty vague. It's just... it felt like they were talking just to move the story along. The things they said didn't feel like things Twilight or Luna would actually say. They seemed to speak in cliches or plot devices.

The thing about fanfiction is that you have to really have a great feel for how these characters talk, or people like me are gonna call you on it. Because we all feel like we know the characters inside and out.

I hope that made sense.

I'm working on that, just a pretty bad writer. n.n

Honestly I write more out of fun that to gain readers. If even one person enjoys my silly stories, I'm happy but I do try to do better.

No, you're not. Believe me, I've read stuff out there that makes this look like Shakespeare. Writing is like anything, the more you do it, the better you get.

Feel free to critique my other material. n.n thank you again! I love words of Encouragement!

I really wanted to like this story. I really did, but the characterization here feels too off to be enjoyable for me. You also need an editor. There are far too many mistakes to point out, and most aren't even technically "incorrect" as "bad writing." I wanted to phrase that differently, but I couldn't. I'm not disliking, because I'm trusting that you will run this through an editor. This story deserves better.

And truth be told, Rarity would make a much more accurate character in this situation than Twilight. (And TwiLuna is part of my headcanon, so it has nothing to do with a personal ship bias.)

Login or register to comment