Save Me

by Dire_Straits

Chapter 1

Author's Note:

So this is my first attempt at a heavy dialogue story. It's kind of cheesy? Anyways, yay for Twiluna fics!

"Good night, sister. I shall see to the moon."

Luna and Celestia briefly hugged as they passed each other. Celestia looked absolutely exhausted after a long day of work, as she always did

"Good night, Luna. I hope your watch is peaceful and uneventful."

Luna took her place upon the platform that encircled her observatory. Her bluish magic erupting from her horn in the form of an aura as she pulled the pale illuminating celestial body through an endless sea of stars till finally it rested high above in the night sky.

"There, it is done."

It was then Luna caugh sight of a figure down below. They were facing away and looking up at the sky, but those purple wings and horns were unmistakable.

"Twilight Sparkle, why are you sitting here?," Luna asked after having glided down from the catwalk.

"I'm waiting."

Luna seemed rather perplexed, for seldom did Twilight Sparkle give such short answers.

"For whom or what are you waiting for?," Luna posed another question to the Princess of Friendship.

"For somepony to save me."

Instinctively, Princess Luna's wings flared out and her horn ignited with magical energy. The alicorn was quick to take a defensive stance as she wearily eyed their surroundings. Strangely, there seemed to be no real threat.

"Twilight, I sense nor see nothing that poses you danger. From what do you need saving from?" Luna was still gazing about, eagerly awaiting to deal with whatever assailant was causing Twilight to feel in danger.

"Luna, I'm not in danger."

"Not in danger?" Luna furled her wings back to her side and released the built up magic in her horn. She only now stared at Twilight Sparkle whom seemed transfixed on the sky above.

"No, I'm fine, I just need somepony to save me."

Luna huffed, now moving in front of the lavender alicorn. Twilight was looking quite stoic and almost appeared to stare through her even though she now took up most of her line of sight.

"Twilight Sparkle, you are not making any sense," Luna leaned in close, staring deeply into those deep violet eyes of hers.

"What do you need to be saved from?," Luna swept her vision side to side, hoping there would be some clue as to what peril Twilight Sparkle was in.

"I won't tell you," Twilight replied. There was much resolve laced within the mare's words.

"You WILL tell me, for I am the Princess of the Night, Sentinel of the Dreamscape and a Princess of Equestria!," Luna proclaimed in a pseudo Royal Canterlot Voice. It was only afterwards that she realized how riled up she had become.

"I apologize, I should have not yelled."

For the first time, Twilight's gaze acknowledged Luna's existence.

"Save me, Luna."

Luna let out an exasperated sigh, "I am trying to, Twilight Sparkle, but you will not tell me what I am suppose to save you from!"

Twilight giggled, which only seemed to upset Princess Luna.

"Save me, Luna. I know you can."

Princess Luna continued to gaze into Twilight's eyes, but they seemed to no longer notice her, "I am at a lost as to what you want from me, Twilight Sparkle."

The dark blue alicorn paced anxiously, her eyes keeping a vigilant watch on Twilight. She had not budged even an inch. She almost seemed like a lifeless statue.

"So there is no evil magic nor a villain in the immediate area," Luna surmised.

"That's right," Twilight Sparkle established.

"So, then I am correct in assuming that you are not in any danger in a physical or mental sense?," Luna probed, hoping to get some enlightenment from Twilight's brief responses.

"It's going to be too late soon, you'll miss your chance to save me," Twilight disclosed with a coolness that put Luna a little on edge.

"Will you die if I fail to save you?," Luna inquired, the question itself was enough to make a knot form in her gut.

"Only a little, but I'll live. It's not the first time, after all."

The answer did little to help Luna narrow down what exactly she was to save Twilight Sparkle from. In fact, it only spawned more questions.

Luna rubbed her hooves in circles around her temples as she closed her eyes for a moment, "Can you simply not tell me?"

Twilight giggled, "No, but please... save me."

Princess Luna whined and whimpered in defeat, "I can not save you, I do not even know what is you need me to save you from or even how!"

Twilight's stony expression faltered as her lips briefly twisted up in a frown, "It's fine, Luna, it's not the first time and it'll probably not be the last."

The Princess of the Night was reaching the end of her rope, she was now panicking and desperate, "I shall go awaken my sister, perhaps she can aid us!"

"No, I want you to save me. If you go, I promise I won't be here when you get back."

The Princess was on the verge of tears. Why could not Twilight Sparkle simply give her the information she required? There was no foul magic or a foe to speak of to keep her from revealing what she needed to do.

"Twilight Sparkle, I beg you, please! Tell me what I need to do... I don't want you to die!"

Again, Twilight's gaze held Luna's face now right in front of her so full of desperation.

"Luna, I am not literally going to die," Twilight stated, offering Luna some much needed relief.

Luna looked relieved, but still there was a heavy sadness present in her features and those eyes of hers, "I don't want you to hurt either. I," Luna suddenly fell quiet.

"You what, Luna?," Twilight now regarded Luna with her full attention. There was a glimmer of hope in those lilac eyes.

"I... I," by now, tears were racing down Princess Luna's cheeks. The words were stuck in her throat. She was scared, terrified. Rejection was the one of the few things Luna feared most.

"Luna, if you can not say it, then show me what it is you wish to say," Twilight calmly murmured.

Luna clenched her eyes close, whispered a prayer and suddenly leaned inward.

Twilight closed her own eyes, sensing the approaching moment.

Their lips met in an intimate kiss, the two mares pulling the other tightly against their body as their wings stretched out.

A whole minute passed before they'd break apart, Luna was standing over Twilight whom now was resting on the ground on her back.

"Thank you for saving me, Luna."

Luna mirthfully giggled, still crying. Though now they were tears of happiness. The doubt had been vanquished in the moment. Nothing but confidence remained and Luna found herself able to freely what she had long suspected before this night, but never had the courage to say until now.

"I love you, Twilight Sparkle."

Comments

[Bell]

I think you have a good start here, but it also needs some work. The dialog comes off as very wooden at times, and Twilight seems pretty out-of-character. It doesn't seem to me that Twilight would be this cagey about things. She's generally a straightforward mare.

Anyway, I don't want to be too negative. I get what you were going for, and you came this close to pulling it off. The story does have some genuine sweetness to it. It's just not something I can totally buy.

[SilverStarApple]

The dialogue was wooden, Twilight would know better than to use an unclear metaphor like "Save me" on an old pony like Luna with her own reasons for not getting metaphors, and if she didn't, she'd have tried a different approach after a few lines.

But Glimmer wasn't involved in this story at all, so I'm giving it a thumbs up because I can.

[Dire_Straits]

8409351
Than you for the constructive criticism! =)

[Bell]

8409355
You're welcome, and thank you for accepting it graciously. (That's a skill not all authors seem to have )

[Dire_Straits]

8409364
Can you clarify what you mean by wooden?

[Dire_Straits]

8409354
Thank you!

[Dire_Straits]

8409351
What do you mean by wooden?

[Bell]

8409370
Yeah, sorry, I know "wooden" is pretty vague. It's just... it felt like they were talking just to move the story along. The things they said didn't feel like things Twilight or Luna would actually say. They seemed to speak in cliches or plot devices.

The thing about fanfiction is that you have to really have a great feel for how these characters talk, or people like me are gonna call you on it. Because we all feel like we know the characters inside and out.

I hope that made sense.

[Dire_Straits]

8409386
I'm working on that, just a pretty bad writer. n.n

[Dire_Straits]

8409386
Honestly I write more out of fun that to gain readers. If even one person enjoys my silly stories, I'm happy but I do try to do better.

[Bell]

8409399
No, you're not. Believe me, I've read stuff out there that makes this look like Shakespeare. Writing is like anything, the more you do it, the better you get.

[Dire_Straits]

8409409
Feel free to critique my other material. n.n thank you again! I love words of Encouragement!

[Tropical Applejack]

I really wanted to like this story. I really did, but the characterization here feels too off to be enjoyable for me. You also need an editor. There are far too many mistakes to point out, and most aren't even technically "incorrect" as "bad writing." I wanted to phrase that differently, but I couldn't. I'm not disliking, because I'm trusting that you will run this through an editor. This story deserves better.

And truth be told, Rarity would make a much more accurate character in this situation than Twilight. (And TwiLuna is part of my headcanon, so it has nothing to do with a personal ship bias.)