I suppose you're wondering why I'm here. It didn't have to end up like this. But I'm really glad with how it turned out. I was so excited to have quiet in the hospital after my accident. For a while, it was really nice. Then it got boring. I can't stand boring. So I left.
Ponyville's a great place for me. There's these six ponies who all seem to like me. It's all so amusing. They think I'm this soft, silent, little sweetie. I'll soon prove them wrong...
NOT a self-insert.
Extra special thanks to EternalShadow54
Chapters (2)
Okay, my first not blatant poorly executed comedy, or my first darkish fic. Let me know how it makes you feel. I thought it was pretty successful. Go ahead and prove me wrong.
Seriously? I know you're dying to rip this thing up. I just want some feedback here. Humor me, will you?
images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120102005638/mlp/sv/images/thumb/1/1e/640px-Pinkie_y_la_Gala.png/180px-640px-Pinkie_y_la_Gala.png Brilliant!
Keep up your great work.
It feels ... disjointed.
I know it's first-person of a mad-pony, but I found it a little hard to follow. For some reason it didn't 'flow' for me. Maybe it was too darkish for my taste, as I generally prefer reading things on the lighter side with a dash of drama here and there. Or maybe because it was a first-person POV; as I'm generally not fond of those.
I don't know.
Sorry I didn't read it when you told me about it Kartal, the weather up here has been nasty hot with the occasional brush fire for the last two weeks. I've been doing nothing but lying down in front of the AC.
950251 That's really interesting. It's just the kind of feedback I've been waiting for. I'll look at it again.
Told you I'd find some time to read it
Okay, now comment time:
The majority of it is a really good entertaining read, and it's a very interesting concept. I know that another person said that it didn't 'flow' for them, and I feel that was my problem as well. The problem with flow may have something to do with the numerous amount of short sentences, and the fact that the most complex sentences were still quite short and could have been elongated into a better flowing form.
Most of your wording was fine and you did extremely well at writing in first 'pony'; lots of people can struggle with this, but you clearly understood your character and so you could pull off the point of view you used.
Altogether a very intriguing read, and apart from the lack of flow in it, is very well written.
953160 Thanks for being more specific with this problem. I had no idea what Kara was talking about. I'll look at it again.
sry it took so long for me to read it. you next story ill get to faster
although a couple above said it didnt flow, i have to disagree. i actually though it flowed quite well, though strangely i get some of the same comments about my own writing, which is also in firstpony present.
i also found it quite interesting, almost suspenseful in how youre not sure whats going to happen, not even sure whats happening now. i like how youre not sure if you can trust the narrator.
and good characterisation, all around well done. you do well to communicate the emotion properly
i see nothing significant that need edited, you did a pretty great job. i noticed a few minor things like grammar, ill pm you with what i noticed.
cant wait to see more
Eerie.
To the extent, I never experience first-person stories. Never. But this, worth noting that it is good. The context is balanced with the characters and the darkish theme. Though, who am I kidding, I say it is excellent. No doubt.
i have no idea where this is going, but im looking forward to finding out.
i really like how he describes them in his head.
1021656 It's a she. But I'm glad you like it!
Good story. No, great story!
Keep up the good work Kartel, and never let anyone put you down!
-Weatherstorm
I think it flowed rather well, considering it's from the pov of nutjob pony!
Good job as always, Kartal!