Thorn is a student in Cheerilee�s class along with all the other little ponies. He, like the Crusaders, is having a little trouble finding his cutie mark. Of course, that has nothing to do with the fact that no one can get close enough to him without being zapped with negative energy.
This young unicorn has only known pain and is therefore only able to inflict pain himself. Can a little help from the residents of Ponyville warm his tattered heart? Will he ever be able to feel anything more than cold hard loneliness or will he be doomed to a special talent as a sadist?
NOTE: This is NOT a self-insert. This is a character I've had forever that I've ponified.
Chapters (7)
Well what do you know? I'm a bit invested. I want to see where this is going.
XD This is going to be good. I just know it...
- I see here you tagged this as 'Random' and 'Adventure'. This is from the FAQ:
Random: This is kind of a sub-tag of "Comedy." It's for stories that are rather incoherent or "Random," if you will.
EXAMPLES: If you're looking for a good example of a Random story, why not check out this completely randomly chosen story The Quest for the Friendship Stones? I know the guy who wrote it, I hear he is really hilarious and definitely didn't write this section of the FAQ.
Adventure: Any story wherein the characters go on a grand journey or an "Adventure," if you will.
EXAMPLES: Dragonshy is a pretty good example of an Adventure, but this tag ought to be self-explanatory.
Judging by these standards, I don't think these tags are fit for a story like this. You seem to be going for a more morose, depressing mood.
- Also, in your prologue, the first paragraph is in speech quotes, but it is unclear as to whom it is addressed, or who it is said by. You might want to fix that up.
- You overuse the word 'fake' a LOT. Try to find some similar words; use a thesaurus. Variety keeps readers interested.
- You make a mistake many undeveloped authors make, which is to use overly complicated words to give the writing a sense of maturity. For example, 'devoid of color' in the third sentence of the prologue. Sometimes, these more complex words won't work as well as simple, day-to-day words, or may not even make sense. 'Devoid' means 'not possessing' , or 'lack of'. Yet, the drawing in the box at the top clearly shows two colors on the pony: black and green. Try to use words that fit the scene better than going for the smarter sounding ones.
- Space out your paragraphs to make the story easier to read.
- The plot was nice. This shows some potential.
My rant is over. Good day.
I know I shouldn't respond to this, but I really liked this story and your comments make no sense to me.
--What catagory would you consider my story? I don't know.
--Thorn says fake a lot because that's his character.
--Yes, the word 'devoid' is misplaced. I was in a poetic mood.
--I copied this from a word document and I didn't notice the paragraphs were oddly spaced.
--Thorn uses 'overly complicated words' because he's overly complicated himself. That could be an author thing too. I'm not intentionally looking up big words to appear smart. I just use words that sound right to me. (seriously not being sarcastic) Are you suggesting I dumb it down?
In other words, thanks for your critisism.
Pretty good so far but I think what one of the biggest problem with the story is nobody able to get to know who thorn really is. If you put in things like what he does like what his family life is like why he thinks every one is fake why he panics in large crowds and other similar thing will let the readers feel more involved with the main character and under stand why he does what he does.
671815 Point taken. I guess I've played with this character so much I forget no one knows him like I do.
I <3 sweetie belle
awwww
Aww, that was such a sweet story
This is really good! Please keep writing this one...
1020993 Can you tell I felt really bad about this one and considered cancelling it? I'm not, because I'm not a quitter, but I've got other things I'm doing so it's nowhere soon, but it's on my list. I'm really glad someone's reading this whole thing and is intent on seeing it through. That really makes me happy.
Well I like this story a lot, you should definetely keep writing it.
Write more or Mr. Popo will find you.
He will find you...
I honestly cannot see where the story is going, which makes me want mooooaaaar.
But in all honesty, it's a great idea. I'd love you to keep it up
in the prologue, did you mean colt, not filly?
All I noticed in the seen was a colt, a mare, and a stuff doll.
Wow, he's a real filly's colt
678567 Good lead into the long exposition that is soon to come
Hhhmmm
Maybe you need to add the shipping tag too
Another good chapter
Keep on going. It's a good story
1302044 No, that was a different, unnamed filly that will never be mentioned again. Thorn isn't even in the prologue.
And I'm not realy sure it's going to get into romance. It's probably just going to be pure friendship. But I'm glad you like the story!
1302508
You know what would make this story better?
MOAR!
1336607 Do you really think that'll work?
Are--are you sure I shouldn't add some more explosions and stuff?
1337581
Oh, for sure