Fortunate Misfortune

by OutOfTheBlue

Mares 101

HeNlo dIS Is POmnY WiTH naMe oF WaAanDer Lassst i aM maKIng tHe WoRDs IN my SmAlL pOny bOk CHanGeLlingEys aRE vERy SwEEt aND cUDdly yOU shoUldth hUg tHeM anD GIvE tHEm SmOoCHeys I KNow I LoOoOoVE GIvINg LaPzKlPpFFl WhO iS thE BEautIfulLeST aNd HUggZAblEst QUeEn LOts Of SmOoooCHIes SHE is SOOo PRotTy aND I~~—

I apologize for that, Queen Laphistira found my journal. I’ve been teaching her how to write as I’ve stayed her. Once again, I apologize for that... I can’t exactly erase ink.

—excerpt from Among The Shapeless by Wanderlust

Spike sat cross-legged before the cage as Spicy Jambalaya began.

“Aight, first thing first, we goin over some basics. Sometimes a mare will tell you to leave her alone, but really she wants you to keep on askin’ her what’s wrong.”

Spike frowned,

“But how do you—“

“Next, if your mare says she ain’t hungry, double yo’ fries. You bet your sweet flank she gonna eat ‘bout halfa dem anyway. Also, if she asks you ‘does this dress make my butt look big’ the correct answer is ‘DAAAAAAAANG baby! You lookin fiiiiiiiiine!’ Also remember to nevah evah tell her she’s wrong. If she’s wrong, keep quiet. It is NOT worth it to call her out. She probably knows she wrong but is just trying to save face. Also never tell her anything about her makeup other than complements, compliment her mane, her eyes, pretty much errythang. But sometimes she don’t want no compliments which ain’t to be confused with her fishing for a compliment. But also—“

“WHOA WHOA WHOA! That is way to much! I mean, how am I supposed to know which one she wants or doesn’t or, or... or... any of that! Does any of this actually work!”

She shrugged.

“Works fo’ me.”

“Yeah, well, Rarity’s different than you.”

“Her name’s Rarity? That’s ain’t a very pony-like name. You sure she ain’t a changeling?”

Spike harrumphed.

“Of course she’s not. She’s nothing like a changeling.”

“Honey I’m the only changeling you evuh met.”

“Well... that’s true... but....”

Jambalaya frowned,

“Tell me you don’t believe all that junk bout changelings bein mindless drones or whatever. I mean, do I seem mindless?”

Spike huffed under his breath,

“You seem the exact opposite to me.”

“What was that?!”

“Nothing!”

She nodded.

“Good. Now, if you really want my help, you gotta tell me bout this mare. What she likes, don’t like, what she foes for fun. That kinda stuff.”

Spike bit his lip before deciding that it was alright to tell her. I mean, she was in a cage after all.

“Well, she’s really fancy and into fashion and snobby parties... not that she’s snobby! She just likes those parties with the little sandwiches and tiny drinks. Anyway, she also like all that Canterlot fancy-shmancy restaurants and play type stuff. You know what I mean?”

“Mhm, I got you. She a total diva?”

“What!? N-no....”

Jambalaya smiled.

“Yeaaaah she a diva. Aight, here’s what you need to do. Make her feel like royalty.”

Spike scratched his head.

“What do you mean?”

“You know, wait on her every beck and call, draw her baths, give her little shoulder massages, complement her dresses and how she decorates her house. And most importantly, invite her to tea in a rose garden.”

“You think that will work?”

Jambalaya waved a hoof dismissively.

“Fo’ sho’.”

She turned aside and grumbled,

“At least it does in them sappy romance books.”

Spike didn’t notice given he was deep in thought, planning his next move. He could definitely do pretty much everything that he’d been told. Just as he opened his mouth to speak a voice called out faintly from upstairs.

“SPIIIIIIKE, I’m hoooooome!”

Spike blanched as Jambalaya groaned,

“Horseapples. You betteh scram baby. It wouldn’t be good for either of us if she found out about this.”

Spike nodded and grabbed his broom before hurrying towards the door. Jambalaya called after him.

“Next time can you bring me some chocolate or something! Momma needs her sweets!”

Spike killed the lights and hurriedly closed the door before making his way to where Twilight was. As for said purple unicorn, she was looking around the library with an impressed expression on her face.

“Wow, Spike. I’m impressed! You did a really good job cleaning the place. In fact I kinda feel bad I only brought you a cupcake. Maybe we can get ice cream later?”

Spike nodded his head.

“Sounds great, Twilight. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to Rarity’s house to... uh... look at dresses.”

And just like that he was off. Twilight rolled her eyes.

“Seriously, Spike. I know you have a crush on her so you really don’t have to make excuses.”

Meanwhile, at the house of a certain changeling.

“Mirror, are you sure you’re okay? I mean, it definitely hasn’t been enough time yet. You’re still sick.”

“No, I... I’m fine. I just, just, ACHOO! Need some schlep.”

Redheart gave an exasperated look before sighing,

“Fine, I’ll come check on you in— SWEET CELESTIA WHAT IS THAT!”

I looked over at where she was pointing and saw Spaghetti lazily draped across my bed.

“Oh. Hi, Spaghetti. Did you miss me?”

He lifted his head and ploped his tongue out before stretching back out in the sunlight. I turned to Redheart and said,

“That’s Spaghetti. He’s my pet... uh... whatever he is.”

“That... that’s a snake.”

“Oh thanks, I forgot. He’s my pet snake.”

Redheart slowly edged away.

“I really don’t like snakes. They creep me out!”

“But he’s so squishy... and doesn’t have legs.”

“Even still... I don’t like it. I mean, what does it eat!”

I shrugged.

“I think mice. At least, I keep seeing him eating them... I think.”

Redheart shuddered.

“Whatever, I’m out if here. See you later... preferably without your snake.”

I dully nodded before poking Spaghetti.

“Hey, can you move. I wanna schlep.”

He slowly did and I immediately burrowed into my bed. However, Redheart was facing a different problem at the moment.

“HI MISS NURSE REDHEART!”

Redheart flinched.

“Hello, Pinky... and Rainbow Dash too. What exactly are you doing here?”

The brash pegasus hovered forward.

“We came to say hi to the new pony in town. Apparently he’s super accident prone so pranking him will be so easy!”

She stuffed a hoof in her mouth and blushed.

“Eh... whoops? I mean... just visiting. Anyway, what are you doing here?”

Pinky perked up.

“Is he your cooooooltfriend? Huh, is he? Is he? Is he? Is—“

“No!... he’s not. He’s sick is what he is. So kindly come back another day.”

Rainbow looked dejected but Pinky said,

“Well maybe a party will make him feel better! I’ll just need some balloons and streamers and cake and....”

“No, no. No parties. Let him shlee... oh horseapples now I’m saying it.”

Author's Note:

The reason this took so long is because I’m preparing the final part of the Resistance/ Romance stories, or whatever the series is called. So yeah, that should be ready by early summer... hopefully. Enjoy!

Comments

[Teraunce]

I hope this continues at some point.

[ChiknPoridge]

Please continue this