After a tiring day at work, Carrot Top trudges home. As usual, her cross-eyed roommate, Derpy Hooves, has emptied the fridge. Nothing out of the ordinary.

However, when Derpy comes down with a case of incessant itching and what's colloquially known as "the herp walk," Carrot's day is about to become... not so ordinary.

Inspired by an episode of "2 Broke Girls". (Accordingly, Derpy is analogous to Caroline. Go figure.)

Thanks to Sage Runner, ValorlordV5, RoboRed, and MarineMarksman for editing.

Rated Teen for some language and raunchy humor. Sex tag is for sexual references in dialogue. Also, herpes.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 78 )

Derpy got herpes.

Why the hell hasn't that been written before?! The rhyme... It's just perfect!!!


So tragic! :fluttershbad:

3479706 3479711

No idea why I'm the first to jump on this bandwagon... :rainbowlaugh:

And I just might have to use that story idea sometime! :rainbowkiss:

Oh yeah.. I remember that episode



Derpy looked down at the peas. "But... but..."

"No buts!" Carrot coughed,

Fine then, if we can't have buts, then we shall have BUTTS!


Hmm... Applejack Gets The Clap?

Twi Gets Fried?

I'm sure I got a few more in me...


This made my muffin moist.



“Y-yeah.” Chuckling nervously, the stallion rubbed the back of his neck and swished his tail. “You see, um, er, my friend and I, we were, um, hanging out, and uh, well, I um, accidentally, uh, you know, sat on, a, um—”

Suuuuuure you did, bub. :rainbowlaugh:

“I’m dyiiiiiiiiing!” Derpy wailed as she threw her head back, whining and whimpering in between cries. “My muffin is dyiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!”

This bit still fuckin' gets me.:rainbowlaugh:

This story made me giggle way too much in a public place. Well done!


And thereafter, Carrot Top and Berry Punch were unable to look at a muffin again without becoming slightly nauseated, which caused Pinkie Pie to be confused and disgruntled. The end. :rainbowlaugh:

Well, this is how I like my comedy stories, nothing too over the top to the point where it becomes ridiculous. Perfect thing to wash away the blues. :pinkiehappy:

Later, at the Apple residence.

Apple Bloom: I have to pay what now?

I don't watch Two Broke Girls a lot. I've seen it a couple of times. I know Carrot Top has spoken on the show in the past, but I can't help imagining Kat Dennings' voice coming out of her mouth. And Derpy's voice when the re-edited "The Last Roundup" lends itself to her being Caroline in this instance. This is pretty funny so far. I'm really enjoying it.

who buttered that mare’s muffin

Best. Euphemism. Ever.

So, what exactly are A. scopes, if you don't mind me asking?

3479716 Its always sad when the muffin gets it. Let us now have a moment of silence for all of the muffins that died writing this story.

I just knew that Derpy didn't actually have herpes and was sleepy around with all the ponies in Ponyville. :derpytongue2: I'm going to be thinking about this the next time I eat a muffin. And I love muffins! All soft and moist... :twilightoops::rainbowhuh::rainbowderp::pinkiegasp: Yes, I mean actual muffins! The baked kind! Anyway, keep up the good work.

Herpes is never fun, but Derpy having it is hilarious. :derpytongue2:


I thought it was. :rainbowlaugh:


Butts for everyone! :rainbowkiss:


:rainbowlaugh: You're just a machine with these, aren't you?


Would you like us to assign someone to butter your moist muffin? :duck:


:rainbowlaugh: That's totally not suspicious at all...


One of my favorite parts too! :pinkiehappy:


Haha, thanks! Glad you liked it! :pinkiehappy:


Poor Pinkie... :pinkiesad2: :rainbowlaugh:

Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it! :twilightsmile:


Oh geez.... :rainbowlaugh: Poor Apple Bloom... :rainbowlaugh: :applecry: "Rent? But Ah don't even like musicals!"


It's not one of my favorite shows, but I do watch it occasionally. Now that I think about it... yes, Kat Denning as Carrot is perfect! And I always thought of Caroline as sort of a Derpy-esque character.... :rainbowlaugh:


I thought so! :rainbowlaugh:

"A. scopes" rhymes with "banal scopes"... :trollestia:


:fluttercry: *tearful moment of silence* :fluttercry:


Muffins, huh? :trollestia: :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

Glad you liked the story! :twilightsmile:


Indeed! :rainbowlaugh:


Right?! :derpytongue2: :rainbowlaugh:



Applejack Gets The Clap

brb writing and recovering my sides from orbit



3480132 Do I need to sign butter acquisition forms?


I was going to use those peas for a pie tomorrow, but now she's got them... down... there! On her... mu... m-m-muffin!

3479738 so i cant think of any kind of pie that uses peas in them.....unless.....she meant PeaPie? *ba dum tss* If so then idk why she would want to toss them they're still good

3479908 Yes that is the best euphemism ever! I always butter muffins before I eat them. I love buttered muffins. They're the best kind. So lovely. :derpytongue2:

3480132 Thanks. It was a term I wasn't familiar with.

God this is really good! :twilightblush:

Ahaha! My brother and I watch this show, perfect Ponyville version of it. And great use of making it a similar story but not the same word for word (which I have issues with).

Your writing is amazing! Just the perfect amount of comedy and drama. You my friend have earned a like, favorite, and a follower. :pinkiehappy:


They are amazing. :moustache:


Nope, you just need to cheerfully greet your butterer. :raritywink: Preferably down low.


This guy had it right! 3480385


You're welcome! I saw this on my doctor's cabinets and thought of it while I was writing this... :rainbowlaugh:


Aww, thanks! :twilightblush:


Haha, thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :twilightsmile:

(I thought Berry Punch as Sophie was a good idea. But who's her Oleg?)


Wow, thanks! :pinkiehappy: I'm glad you enjoyed my work! :yay:

Damn you, Derpy...

Damn you and your herpes... :ajbemused:


3481376 B-but I poop from there...



3481476 So I have to have wiener poop from now on? Does that mean I am the main character of the novel "The Poop That Took a Pee"?


:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: 'nuff said (actually thats all that was said)

lets just say that its the camera that doctors use to look up your backside if you get my meaning

Might have been Shepard's Pie. That normally has peas and corn in it, though typical Sherpard's Pie also has meat in it. Typically the meat type would be lamb, or goat, or cow. It would also, in this modern era, covered by mashed potatoes.

“Well, since you and I will not be sleeping together anytime soon, it doesn’t matter whether or not you believe me,” he replied with a roll of his own eyes, shooting a glare at Berry Punch.
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Berry scoffed. “Too good for me, are you?”

My immediatly thought out response: "I tend to not sleep with random mares who accuse me of giving out the eternal itch"

3481553 Thanks. Its one of those things that (thankfully) I haven't had to deal with yet.

“Um…” Derpy bit her lip and fidgeted with her forehooves. “You know… you know all those noodles in the cupboard? And the rolls, too?”

The noodles and the rolls? Oh Derpy...:fluttershyouch:

The worst part is, I can guess already that Derpy is just that innocent and has NO CLUE what the other three are implying.

“However,” Nurse Redheart continued as she held up a forehoof, “Miss Hooves was unaware that she has a slight wheat allergy, which manifests itself in an itchy rash and clusters of hives that become painful and blistered when itched.”


“... Ohhhh… okaaaaaaay…” Berry Punch tapped her chin before looking up at the nurse once more. “But, er… why is she getting that rash… you know, there?”

Nurse Redheart looked over at Derpy Hooves, meeting her gaze.

She turned back to Carrot Top, Berry Punch, and Time Turner.

“Let’s not go there.”

Yeast Infection?


Yes. You are now Scrotie McBoogerBalls. :pinkiehappy:


Haha, thanks! :rainbowlaugh:

And yup, you got it!


Now I want Shepherd's Pie... :trixieshiftright:


Good response! :rainbowlaugh:


Oh, that Derpy! :derpytongue2:


Poor Derpy, huh? :rainbowlaugh: :derpyderp1:


Or... herpy Derpy?


Oh geez my sides! :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

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