Rainbow Dash drinks a love potion. At first everypony thought it was cute, but soon it becomes a problem.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 21st Jun, 2012
- offline last seen Sep 28th, 2012
AlduintheWorldEater
I am Alduin, and I will consume your soul....pffff-ahahah...haha..ha.... no i'm really a nice guy.
AlduintheWorldEater
Joined 21st Jun, 2012 ·
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GENIUS
"Rainbow Dash was a bit disturbed that Derpy new more about nuclear physics than she did,"
This is certainly diverging from the typical :)
ahem. To quote an old commercial. "BRILLIANT!!"
sorry about the atrocious grammar. Hopefully you can pretend most of it's well writ.
I spent a week writing it and another week making it as legible as it is now. Just got really tired of it.
maybe i'll comeback to correct it more someday.
842724 The sentences make sense, even if they're somewhat gramatically odd in places ;)
However, I believe I lost the thread of the story at the elixir; what it was or if there was some cost associated with it. It seems that it turned out well.
Oh boy what flavor?
842885 Pinkie Pie flavoured!
Alduin the World Fucker is more like it... that's friggin' funny!
That was the longest fic I've read this day, and it was funny at first, and then thrilling at the near end part. ;)
**SPOILERS!!!!!!!*****
Thank you for the happy ending, Alduin. You don't know how sad I would of been if Rainbow Dash would have died. Bravo sir!
"Sincerest love, Spike."
Uh oh.
I liked the story, even though the grammar is pretty off-putting. I like the story because it's both funny and sad 'n serious at the end. I would've settled for a bad ending. The Elixer came out of the blue for me. Why'd Spike even ask if they should give it to RD when there's no bad consequences presented in the story? At least, this is what I missed. Maybe I didn't read it thoroughly enough.
There were some other things that seemed to randomly or "very conveniently" appear out of nowhere.
You also re-use words a lot and some lines are a bit out of character (mostly just words some characters would not resort to using).
Other than that I'd like to remark that your way of telling this story is very fast-paced. Except right before RD decides to go to the Everfree Forest. The fast paced nature isn't good nor bad. I just thought it was note-worthy. Sometimes fast-paced works, at other times it wouldn't hurt to slow down.
All 'n all, it's a decent story. Certainly a 6.5 or maybe a 7.0 out of ten. Well done.
Wow.. I was actually getting kinda depressed towards the ending..
And then you had to go and bring her back. Don't get me wrong, okay? It was a nice ending, but with all the stuff that lead up to them finding her like that, I was almost hoping for her to die.. Peacefully, of course.
This is by far the most genius idea ever conceived.
Better then sliced bread. Ayyep.
Before I read this; my feature box senses are tingling. I dunno why, but when I see stuff on the front page, a good deal of the time it ends up in that box up there soon after. Call me crazy but I'm just tellin ya how it happens.
Before: This seems interesting... I'll give it a read!
Just from the picture of the story i was hooked!
I'll take that Pie then Rainbow Dash!
843740 This one won't, that's for sure. It might if he fixed his grammar.
Also, you could try spitting it into chapters.
Spoilers
What the carp is this Elixer you speak of and why is it so important?
It was really good up until that point where Twilight wakes up, then you completely lost me. I was forseeing Dash runs away and Twilight saves her through love etc etc. but this was... disjointed deus ex machina from way out of left feild, so far even that it wasn't on the field to begin with. The grammar needs work, but it's passable (by my standards)
I think I know what happened, as it happened to myself on multiple occasions. You had an idea that sounded cool but you didn't build it up for the readers; it was perfect in your head but not on paper and it was at the very end so it was a lot harder to catch said mistake. The darker turn (which wasn't bad I must say) seems reminiscent of my few instances of writing, slowly going from a happy to neutral and into darker more psychological themes, and then trying to pull up from your nosedive at the last minute. When the gears start twirling in your mind, where your interpreting in your mind what you are writing, and not writing your interpretation from your mind, things can get out of hand/hoof/tentacle/whatever. Also I sense a bit of rushing here, like you just wanted it to end, which can also occur from things said above; it just became to cognitively and emotionally exhausting.
With a little work, you could edit the ending for a more "complete" conclusion and even turn it into a longer story; that stuff before the complete deterioration of Rainbow was top notch (with some odd bits that may have needed clarification and a little work on grammar)
843810
I've seen weirder things hit the feature box. Even if it's only for like 10 minutes. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Rainbow_Dash.png
Difference between sad and grimdark:
Sad: RD is pretty much screwed but recovers (sorta) okay and everything turns out happy in the end (or sorta happy atleast)
Grimdark: RD Dies horribly while random nukes drop and kill everybody (....)
Yeaaah.... as much as I love reading grimdark, this ending fits WAAAY better!
Glad you decide doing a happy ending as well
Thanks for an awesome story!
843028Everpony RUN!!!!
It starts off quite strong, and has a neat overall concept, but some of the transitions need a bit of work. The shift in tone right about the first time the word "curse" appears is a bit too sudden. It could have done with a few more hints at darkness before that point and a little bit more lighthearted scenes after to make it feel like it's still the same story. A few plot points--like the "Elixir"--needed to be better explained as well.
In terms of grammatical mechanics, the biggest thing to work on here is your capitalization. Some names and sentences weren't capitalized, and some random words that didn't need to be capitalized were. If you can get a pre-reader to look over your work, they can help you spot these things.
Overall, I like the concept. Whether it was intentionally meta or not, it makes a fun jab at the fact that this community seems to ship Rainbow Dash with just about everypony. I think that with some polish and a few re-writes for some scenes this story could really shine.
The story eventually got to the point where Rainbow's soul was in danger of getting consumed. I think the 'Dark' tag should be thrown on the story for good measure.
Lab accident with lemonade.
That reminds me of something...
farm8.staticflickr.com/7267/7492024396_5290d6922f.jpg
846402
I just don't know what went wrong.
845102 It was a bit too ambitious for my first story. I hadn't planned for it to be 30 pages long, nor should I have made it a sad comedy, but I'm glad I did, because now I can look at how I can improve my writing process (It needs allot of work). It was just supposed to be a cute story with a happy ending, but I'm not pleased with it so I can understand why others wouldn't be.
843506 Glad you liked it. As far as Rainbow Dash dying: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
but maybe in future stories.
842835 843506 845102
I agree - the Elixir needs better clarification. Where'd it come from in the first place? Also, what is it for? I was getting the vibe that it was for euthanization, and would give Rainbow a relatively painless and quick death instead of suffering. And then Rainbow wakes up and is just fine. It just kind of seems like you pulled it out of nowhere, and it's the dues ex machina. Not that a dues ex machina is bad, per se, but it needs to be justified.
I highly doubt Twilight would just happen to have a potion for bringing back ponies who have given up on life.
847928
If I dare to make a suggestion--and I realize it's one you may not like, so please don't take offense--the story might be better served if you dropped the whole soul-being-eaten arc entirely. The threat of "Rainbow Dash might be hitting on everypony forever!" is more than enough motivation for her friends to want to help her. Soul-erosion and death are overkill for this purpose, and they throw the tone of the story way into left field.
You could even keep the sad tag in, just by focusing on Rainbow Dash's struggle to sort her real feelings out from the ones the potion is producing in her. The kind of paranoia that would come from not trusting your own thoughts would be a terrifying concept.
I understand that you probably don't want to take an axe to what amounts to nearly half your story and re-write it, especially after your comment earlier about being tired of revising and editing it. I'm not demanding that you make any changes at all. I would just like you to think about these things, whether in the next story you write or if you take another crack at this one, or whatever. I am glad to hear that you are looking for ways to improve your writing. Good luck in your endeavors!
848439 Although I already enjoyed the ending, I see your point.
Cute, even if a bit absurd. It had its shared moments of both good and bad parts. Most of the characters were well written and enjoyable. I honestly think it would have been better if you just went with the comedy angle, but the ending you used was still interesting.
I'm with everybody else, you completely lost me at the point where RD was running away and/or dying.
I'll chime in here and simply say I agree with FreeHomeBrew and MuffinsForever- that the elixir (and the curse for that matter) could've used more building up as they both kinda dropped in from nowhere.
Other than that and the small grammatical errors, it was an excellent first fic, I definitely couldn't write something half as good, nice job!
Wow. You really had me there near the end. I was seriously starting to antsy about if Rainbow was going to die or not.
BRILLIANTLY DONE, GOOD SIR. I GIVE ALL MY LIKES TO YOU.
847989 dues ex machina? cmon. THEY HAVE UNICORNS WHO CAN PROJECT OBJECT THROUGH THE USE OF MAGIC. THEY HAVE ALICORNS WHO CONTROL ALL ASTRONOMICAL EVENTS. Dues Ex Machina
.Though, I should have elaborated on the actual purpose the elixir served, and, as an author, shouldn't have assumed you as the reader would know anything about magical concoctions. The elixir was a plot device, but it's obscurity was meant to keep it from getting in the way and inundating the narrative with any more unnecessary descriptions (I wasn't really into it honestly). Actual purpose of the Elixir was left for you as the reader to discern, but when you have a poorly written story then you run the risk of loosing the readers patience. 
This story, if anything, suffered from poor planning. certain elements needed more work, while others it could have done without. I'll eventually fix it, Eventually, unless i die, because I won't care then.
848439 I don't like it
...................but i'll accept it.
I wanted to focus more on how this development affected RD, not her friends, who did what friends with slightly awkward feelings for one another would do, um, helped. All other characters were just meant to carry the story along and other comedic purposes.
I mean, cmon, Rainbow is best pony
right?
843369 It's spike. Who cares
............................................................................................................................................................................................................................
871257 Consider the implication, in the context of a story involving love potions. And while Spike may be a young dragon, he is still a dragon and is not to be trifled with.
873504 wo drey Yah moron au Frod do Krosis, nuz sinon siiv dinok ahrk dukaan
Alduin does not defer to consider such implications. Spike is hardly a dragon in comparison.
If Rarity didn't like him, then i wouldn't have included him at all.
As soon as she drank the potion, I thought to myself: "Drink some milk!" But then I remembered that it wasn't Minecraft. Still, nice story. The resolution was fast, but I really think that this was a cute and somewhat funny story.
>>AlduintheWorldEater does that greed thing work on you? Because if it did you would've beaten those Dovahs easily.
Erg... sorry, cute concept, but this story is a real mess. x.X