• Published 23rd Apr 2017
  • 15,326 Views, 7,166 Comments

Magic School Days - Dogger807

When the CMC asked Discord to help them attend magic school, he pulled an owl out of his hat. Only he didn't exactly have a hat. Which was okay, since their new school had a singing one laying around. Where the hay was Hogwarts anyway?

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Mobocracy Phonic Chutzpah

One of the more famous sites on London's Broadway was a tall, modern office building that seemed out of place compared to its older neighbors. The three words in sans serif in front served to announce a rededication to the modernization of their methods. The words were a name known the world over, synonymous with law enforcement.

The building housed an organization that could claim with little exaggeration that they had collectively witnessed or performed everything the human experience could offer at one time or another. They were so jaded that they had even named their new computer system after one who had routinely proven to be their superior. The wee hours of this morning, however, brought something unprecedented.

A creature of myth and legend walked beside one of their own. As little as a month ago, this would have caused a riot. Now, however, the aqua-haired woman was a well-known diplomat, and the officers on duty rushed to provide accommodations worthy of her station while her escort was taken directly to the office of the Chief Superintendent, bypassing two links in the chain of command.

In his office in New Scotland Yard, Chief Superintendent Mitchell continued sifting through the morning paperwork as his subordinate entered. "Inspector Harrison, I hope, for your sake, that I am not about to start my day with an international incident. Why is the pony ambassador here?"

Inspector Harrison came over to stand in front of the desk and said, "Sir, Miss Heartstrings was kind enough to escort me back from Equestria. I also suspect she bears a formal apology from Princess Luna."

"She's not here because you were being a daft cow?" Chief Superintendent Mitchell let out a relieved sigh. "That's a load off. Well, don't just stand there; what's this all about, then? You were on the pony's home world?"

"Yes, sir," Harrison said. "I was undercover with orders to ferret out how some blokes were skipping out on her majesty's pleasure. Turns out there's a bit of a crime ring offering them passage to Equestria with promises of having a harem once they get there."

"This is going to be a headache." The Chief Superintendent laid down the paper he had been perusing. "Do you have any intel on why these criminal ponies are collecting prisoners and going so far as to give them a harem? They must be planning something big."

"Actually, sir," Harrison responded, "that's their end game. Believe it or not, the harems are willing to spend quite a lot of money to have a human turned stallion as part of their family. Absurdly, it's a win-win for all of the individuals involved."

The Chief Superintendent searched the Inspector's face for any signs of deceit. "Bloody hell."

In a place that was more a state of mind than a physical location, the most powerful of all bonds continued to strengthen. The voyeuristic would say in the eye of the maelstrom was a man sandwiched between two women, all in a mutual embrace worthy of Venus herself. The observant would realize that the trio actually consisted of one woman, one transfigured mare, and one immortal draconequus. The cynical would claim that the Lord of Chaos had been conquered by love. His mates would point out the chaos that bloomed from everything he touched; they would argue that like the finest steel, he had been tempered. To love and be loved in return . . .

"Okay, stop right there," Discord said.

"What?" Fluttershy asked, startled by Discord's sudden end to the comfortable silence.

"I wasn't talking to you, my dear Fluttershy." Discord said, focusing on a fourth wall. "And you, have you no decency? I know you have plans for me, but you are more than capable of holding your own for now.""

"Who are you talking to?" Fluttershy asked as Alice followed Discord's gaze.

"Just a bunch of nosy busybodies," Discord said as he snapped his fingers.

"What did you just do?" Fluttershy asked.

"He just changed the chapter's title," Alice said, looking up.

"What?" Fluttershy asked, confused.

"Don't worry about it my dear. They will not be bothering us for long," Discord said. With those words, he snapped his fingers again.

The draconequus turned the story back to the appropriate level of immaturity.

Years of training in occlumency left the body with conditioned responses. Forced disruption of mental processes triggered a spike in renal function to filter out intoxicants while gradually increasing blood flow to the brain. The body was kept still as the higher brain functions were restored.

Pain. Triage indicated nothing life-threatening. Back of head was sore. Left wing was cramping, Wing? Form was no longer human. Scents of animal were near -- something familiar, something needy?

"There's no need to pretend," a female voice said. "Even a blind mare could tell you are awake by the way your ears are swiveling."

Without betraying any emotions, Severus Snape opened his eyes and found himself on a bed of straw. The gentle luminescence of his surroundings revealed stalactites and stalagmites. Turning toward the voice, he was not surprised to discover two mares sporting bat wings eyeing him hungrily. "Good morning," he said drily.

The mare to his left tilted her head slightly. In a different voice, she said, "You truly were not raised as one of us. Only a day walker would say 'good morning' when they first wake up."

Severus got to his hooves without saying a word.

In the first voice, the mare to his right said, '"Nopony is going to hurt you. You must help us; you are our only hope."

"Spare me the histrionics." Severus sneered. "A toddler could deduce both your motivations and intentions. You've done nothing to change my mind."

The two mares gazed back at him with wide glistening eyes. The one on the left laid her ears back on her skull.

"Don't look at me like that; it's illegal," Severus snapped.

"It is?" asked the mare on the left.

"If it's not, it should be," Severus said.

An uncomfortable silence followed.

Finally, the mare on the right bitterly said, "After what we've just done, what's one more crime?"

"If you're feeling remorseful, you could always return me to my dates," Severus advised, unimpressed.

"We can't!" the mare on the left wailed. "We need you to survive for another generation!"

"I surmised as much," Severus said.

"We're sorry," the mare on the left said, looking close to tears. "We don't want to make you uncomfortable, but you have to understand that we'll be on the brink of extinction unless you help."

"Assault and battery is hardly persuasive." Severus fixed her with a withering gaze. "I have already said that I understand your motives. For what it's worth, I don't fault them."

"You're taking this rather well," said the mare to the right. "I promise we'll do everything to see to your pleasure."

"I presume that would be the best way of convincing me to service you," Severus said drolly.

"We are not worthy," said the mare on the right. "You will have your pick of many innocent mares. Once you have secured the future of our kind, Inky and I shall present ourselves to Princess Luna with our confessions. She is sure to banish us, but it will be worth it to know there will be foals and grandfoals."

"I am your prisoner then?" Severus asked.

"Prisoner is such a horrible word," Inky said. "Please think of yourself as our guest."

"Am I free to leave if I so choose?"

"I'm afraid that is not yet possible," said the mare on the right.

"Then 'prisoner' is the appropriate word," Severus replied.

Inky hung her head in shame. "I'm sorry you feel that way. You must think we are dreadful ponies."

"No, I suspect you are individuals who are doing what you believe you must." Severus sneered. "Do not let me weigh on your conscience. My own past is far from innocent, and my motivations were much less pure. Far be it for me to judge you too harshly."

The mare on the right perked up. "That is undeservedly kind of you. Does this mean you are going to cooperate willingly?"

"No." Severus said. With a small crack of thunder, he was gone.

Silence reigned for several seconds before Inky declared, "Buck! Hooman stallions can teleport!"

"That went sideways faster than Celestia can scarf down a wedding cake," said the other mare as she headed for the cavern's entrance. "Come on, we need to tell Onyx! That stallion couldn't have gotten very far without a horn."

"How do we stop him from teleporting again once we find him?" Inky asked.

"I don't know; he doesn't have a horn, and the suppressor rings are way too small to fit on his other focus."

"That sounds painful and would most likely make it difficult for him to sire foals," Inky chided.

"I was thinking his forelegs!" the other mare countered. "He's probably using his hooves to channel magic!"

Any serious historian would know that late nights and odd hours led to the myth that doughnuts are a law enforcement officer's best friend; precious little else was available fresh when most honest folk were fast asleep. If they were being honest, any law enforcement officer, however, would confess that their true love was a steamy seductress, hot as hell, black as sin, and strong enough to wake the dead. Even now, she serviced the combined strike team as they sat around the conference table at the local constabulary. There was not a single officer without a mug of coffee.

"We're not going to find them, are we?" asked Inspector Samson.

"If we do, I suspect they will not be in one piece," the auror, Shacklebolt, said solemnly. "Whomever did this had a plan. Being found and receiving credit were not part of that design."

Samson grimaced. "What do we know of the individual or individuals who have made it their business to play hero?"

Shacklebolt's second in command, Dawlish, the only other wizard in the room, spoke up. "Only that they obviously have access to the magical community, as evidenced by their possession of the public portkeys as well as their use of polyjuice. It is telling that they have someone who can brew complex potions."

Samson raised a questioning eyebrow. "What's polyjuice, and how do we know they used it? Wait, is that what that green slime was?"

"No," said Dawlish. "The green stuff is an unknown quantity. The fact that it is mildly magical is the reason we know it is a potion of some kind. Polyjuice, on the other hand, is a well-known potion used to change oneself into the form of whomever you obtain a hair from. Thus, the little girl who had the portkeys is most likely not really a little girl."

"That's a leap of logic," Samson argued. "How can we be sure that this is the case?"

"Occam's Razor," countered Dawlish.

Samson replied, "I'll admit I don't know the first thing about real magic, but this also looks like something out of a penny dreadful."

"Can you think of an alternative explanation?" Dawlish asked.

"No," Samson admitted.

"Therefore, I must be correct," Dawlish said dismissively.

"Dawlish." Shacklebolt said with warning in his voice before turning to the muggle officer. "He may have made a terrible argument, but the fact remains that it is the most likely scenario. While I have no doubt that a child could infiltrate a slave ring and give the portkeys to the victims, it is completely unbelievable that a mere child could make the perpetrators vanish without leaving behind clear signs of how it was done. Based on what little we have found, I believe we are dealing with someone who has N.E.W.T.-level skills, who is talented enough to both brew the polyjuice and create their own unique potions. Since neither victims nor perpetrators were of the wizarding world, our mystery girl is most likely a muggleborn."

"In short, there is a witch out there bent on handing out vengeance, comic book style," said the lead of the muggle strike team. "Should we expect her to go around wearing a black tee-shirt with a white skull on it?"

"Except for the tee-shirt, that about sums it up." Dawlish said. "I can't say that I'm in any hurry to find out who he is."

"He?" Samson asked.

"Polyjuice doesn't make distinctions for sex," Shacklebolt said. "Our 'hero' could easily be either gender."

"I don't want to tell my superiors that we have no leads. Is there anything else that we got from the house?" Samson sighed.

"Absolutely nothing so far," admitted the lead of the muggle strike force, "unless someone walking off with the welcome mat counts for something."

Eos rudely forced her way into stately Black Manor as Sirius lay suspended between dream and reality. Slowly, he crawled back into the waking world. He relished the bliss as he spooned closer to his wife, absently sniffing at her hair. The scent of candy floss brought back memories of simpler times, He frowned when the hair tickled his nose; who in their right mind would make candy-scented shampoo? Cracking open an eye, he noted that his wife had somehow curled her hair and let the pink stripe take over. He sighed. He would never understand women and their cosmetic charms. Snuggling closer, he noted a couple things seemed to have grown.

. . .

. . .

. . .

"Pinkie!" Sirius exclaimed, suddenly awake.

"Huh? What?" the woman in his arms asked sleepily.

"What are you doing here?" Sirius demanded.

"Trying to get a little sleep," Pinkie answered.

Sirius thought hard for a few seconds. "Who's drooling on my back?"

"That would be Dashie," Pinkie said, snuggling closer.

A few more seconds passed. "Where's Twilight?"

"On the couch, silly," Pinkie murmured, more asleep than not.

An awkward pause punctuated the conversation. "She didn't have to do that."

"Tell that to Andi and Nissy," Pinkie said.

"They were just joking," Sirius replied, still confused.

"Keep on telling yourself that. Those two can be as scary as a stallion."

"Why are you here?" Sirius asked.

"Twilight didn't want you getting cold sleeping alone," Pinkie said, emphasizing the point by snuggling even closer.

"You're not wearing any clothes," Sirius squeaked with a little panic.

"Neither are you," Pinkie noted with clinical detachment.

"Would you two keep it down?" rasped a familiar voice from behind Sirius. "I'm trying to sleep here."

"Sorry Dashie," Pinkie said as Sirius stiffened.

"Um," Sirius started.

"Go back to sleep," Rainbow commanded, snuggling closer to his back. Soon, Sirius found himself the only one awake as he desperately racked his brain for any clue as to how he came to be in his current predicament.

The spectacular landing outside the floo in the Leaky Cauldron nearly caused a panic when the crowd realized that it was not a child in a dragon costume who was peeling his face off the floor. More than a few scourgify charms were cast when they recognized the purple-haired witch with a pink stripe in her hair. There was a collective sigh of relief when she and a bushy-haired girl helped the boy who had bowled her over. Of the seven who entered, it was clear that some had little experience with that mode of transportation.

The group wove through the crowd, peering into each booth as they passed. They approached a booth where a lone wizard sat, picking up a bit of black pudding with a scrap of toast. He walked to greet the family that smiled at him in recognition. Somehow, he managed to find his way while his eyes continually scanned the room, each moving independently of the other.

"Good morning, Mr. Moody," Dan Granger said, holding his hand out to shake. "Thanks again for agreeing to help."

"Call me Alastor." Moody grunted as his artificial eye assessed the proffered appendage for any threats before he shook it. "I wouldn't miss this for the world."

"This is my sister and her son Hector," Dan continued. "They wanted to watch."

"As long as they stay out of the way and listen to what they are told," Moody said gruffly. "There's no telling what we are going to find down there. That goes for the rest of you as well." He eyed Hermione and Hector who were standing next to each other. "I'll be sticking you to your parents. Children your age don't recognize danger until after it bites you."

"We're just going to observe," Hermione said, hoping to reassure the adult. "We'll listen to everything you say, Mr. Moody."

"See that you do." Moody grunted. "Let's get a move on then."

"Just a second," Emma said. "Twilight wanted to help. She's here with Spike. He's magic-resistant and tougher than any of us."

"She's the pony who emptied the pub?" Moody asked. "And the one who trapped Abrahms in his current form? Someone who can't control their temper is nothing but a liability."

"Hey!" Twilight and Spike had come up behind the Grangers while they were focusing on Moody. "Discord burned rare books. It's inexcusable."

Moody turned his eye to examine the small purple figure standing next to her, who waved back. "I know, I helped him. There wasn't anything in that batch that wasn't vile. What's your excuse for Abrahms?"

"He threatened to murder my son." Twilight seethed. "I've stopped him from hurting anypony."

"Dragons raised as pets lose their wariness of people." Moody snapped. "There has never been one that hasn't made a meal or two out of unsuspecting humans. Your boy doesn't fall into that category but Abrahms had no way of knowing. He was in the right. You overreacted, girl."

Twilight snarled, "How many dragons plea for their lives? Poor Spike wetting his bed for months."

"Hey!" protested the dragon.

Moody growled, "Wizards have used ventriloquism charms before. As I said, Abrahams had no way of knowing."

Twilight glared at Moody before deflating. "Fine." She sighed. "I'll change him back."

"Good." Moody nodded. "You can see reason."

"Are dragons in your world really that bad?" Spike asked curiously as Hector examined him without leaving Hermione's side.

"Worse," said the retired auror. "If you two are coming, then she is taking a calming potion before the vault is opened."

"Is that necessary?" Emma asked, defending her friend.

"I insist," Moody replied before addressing Spike. "Why don't you have a human form?"

Spike shrugged. "Never saw a reason to try." He casually buffed the claws on his right hand against his chest. "Why would I want to give up my scales?"

"It would cut back on unwanted attention," Moody said, starting for the entrance to Diagon Alley. "We are wasting time."

The silk curtains that surrounded the massive futon were drawn open slightly, revealing the pony pile peacefully dozing.

The elderly stallion who was dressed formally with waistcoat and tailcoat said, "Madame. You must wake up."

Hazel Blossom moaned as a hoof prodded her side. "What's the hurry, Pepper Ale?" she asked her elderly butler, regretting that she had ended up on the outer edge of the pony pile that was her herd.

"It's the guard," the butler said. "They are in the east sitting room awaiting your pleasure. They insist on talking to you forthwith."

"What could they possibly want?" Hazel Blossom smacked her lips, revolted by her own morning breath.

"There is a strange creature with them," Pepper Ale said. "They demand that you produce the young master for their inspection."

Hazel Blossom stiffened before relaxing. "That was quicker than I expected. Colts don't just appear out of nowhere. Doesn't matter though; we have all the paperwork and Max knows what to say." She turned over and poked the mare sleeping next to her. "Flawless, wake up. The guards have showed up at our doorstep. We need to go let them know everything is on the up and up with our new colt."

"What?" Flawless Gem stirred. "We haven't even enrolled him in school yet. Why are they here?"

"They have a lot of nerve coming so early in the morning." Hazel Blossom rolled off the cushion. "Let's just go tell them that Max is in safe hooves and send them on their way. I want to get a few more hours of sleep. We didn't get much last night."

"I know." Flawless grinned. "Best bits we have ever spent."

"Don't wake the others," Hazel Blossom said, nodding toward the two remaining sleeping mares and the stallion they were draped over.

"I shall go and retrieve the young master," Pepper Ale said, retreating.

Hazel Blossom and Flawless Gem shared some unkind words directed toward the guards as they made their way to the sitting room. Their conversation was cut short when they saw what was waiting for them in the company of the guards.

"What are you?" Flawless gasped as she looked up at the figure, ignoring the guards.

The creature smiled sourly at her. "I am a human," it said. "Just like the child you kidnapped was."

"Kidnapped?" Hazel Blossom asked, confused. "There are no goats here."

The human sighed. "Foalnapped," it clarified. "Max was removed from his foster home without any authorization. I am here to check on his welfare."

"Oh." Flawless looked from the human to the guards, added two and two and got four. "You needn't worry. He wants to stay with his brother, and we promise to raise him as our own."

"His brother should still be in prison for the crime he committed," the human stated. "You bought a husband. Such criminal behavior speaks poorly of the sort of environment you are providing for Max. We were lucky that the officer remembered your names or we'd still be tracking you down."

Hazel Blossom stepped forward and said. "We may have paid for our stallion, but Will doesn't seem to mind. He says that if he had more money for a lawyer or had stolen a lot more he'd have been out already. I say he deserves a second chance. And we said we would raise Max as our own; what more could you ask?"

"Will isn't my concern." The human frowned and Hazel Blossom decided it was female from the sound of her voice. "I'm Max's case worker and Princess Luna has assured that I may inspect the minor's living conditions. The only thing stopping me from taking Max back where he belongs is that I'm well outside my jurisdiction."

Flawless and Hazel Blossom both took defensive stances and lit their horns aggressively. Suddenly, there was a stallion earth pony guard interposed between them and the human. "You won't lay a hoof on our son," Flawless growled; not a hint of uncertainty could be found in her voice.

Easily looking over the guard, the human asked warily, "Your son?"

"We did say we are raising him as our own," Hazel Blossom said through gritted teeth.

"Am I to just take your word for it?" The human narrowed her eyes in response.

"Ye,." Flawless and Hazel Blossom said in unison.

"Ma'am." A pegasus mare guard stepped forward. "They're legit; can't you feel the weight behind their words?"

The human blinked as she turned a questioning gaze on the guard. "Are you being figurative?"

It was the pegasus's turn to blink in surprise. "No, ma'am. Can't you feel it?"

"No." the human shook her head. "No, I can't. I am unsure exactly what you are alluding to, nor do I understand how it affects the situation."

"It means you don't have to worry about the foal being cared for, ma'am," the pegasus guard said. "It means they will do everything in their power to see that the colt is raised properly. It means they will do everything in their power to see to his well being. It also means you might wish to apologize to these mares before they think you are threatening him."

"You ponies take adopting children seriously, don't you?" the human remarked.

"Yes, ma'am."

The bulk of the Black Family was enjoying breakfast in their dining room when Sirius wandered in with a dazed look on his face.

Remus looked up from his breakfast and said, "Padfoot, are you all right? You look shocked."

"I woke up this morning in bed with Pinkie and Rainbow; both of whom were starkers." Sirius said, wandering over to take a seat at the table.

"Are you bragging or looking for pity?" Ted asked. "Help me here, because I'm getting mixed signals from you."

"I'm not entirely sure myself," Sirius admitted. Almost as an afterthought, he said, "They said they would be down in a few."

"Way to go, you old dog." Nymphadora smiled at Sirius mischievously. "You've got yourself a prestigious herd."

"There is no need to be so dramatic," Andi scolded her daughter. "I've already checked the tapestry. There are no new names added yet."

"Is this really happening?" Sirius asked. "Does Twilight really want me to have multiple wives?"

"You’re thinking way too patriarchal." Nymphadora smirked. "She wants to share you with two of her very best friends; she wants to bring you into her herd. It's a different point of view; you'll get used to it."

"Where exactly is my beautiful wife?" Sirius asked. "I checked the couches, and she's not on any of them."

"She left a note," Andi said. "She promised the Grangers she would help ascertain the contents of the Lestrange family vault. She also suggested you go with Pinkie and Dash today; they can show you around Ponyville, and you can get to know them better."

"My wife is mighty manipulative," Sirius commented. "I haven't even gotten used to using the words 'my wife' yet."

"Nah," Pinkie said, bouncing into the room. "Twilight has a habit of helping others with suggestions, but you always know what she's aiming for. Who wants a positively palatable puffy pastry?" She brandished a tray covered with succulent-looking treats.

"Pinkie." Andi sighed. "What has Twilight told you about humans and clothing?"

"Never wear the same outfit two days in a row," Rainbow said, sauntering into the room. "Oooh, cherrychangas! Pass them this way."

"Yeah." Pinkie nodded her head, something completely overlooked by all of the men in the room. "We only brought one outfit apiece with us."

"Just give it up," Nissy said dismissively. "We're all adults here. There will be time later to go over the nuances." She examined the platter. "I'll have a cheese danish if you wouldn't mind."

Ted was munching on a pastry of his own. "These are just divine." He declared, "She's a keeper, Sirius."

"I'm sure her cooking was the main reason for that decision," Andi snorted.

"Andi," Ted moaned. "You wound me. You know you are the only woman for me."

"What color are her eyes, dear?"

Ted unabashedly raised his gaze to look Pinkie in the face. "Blue," he stated nonchalantly. "Definitely blue".

"I thought so," Andi said.

In Ponyville's spa, Imogen luxuriated in the tub of lavender-scented water as soothing bubbles brushed across her aching muscles. Her daughter-in-laws had insisted that she take some time for herself to recover from her ordeal. For the first time in what seemed like forever, she was relaxed and carefree. For the first time in what seemed like forever, she felt truly free.

The evil she had done had cost her dearly. She had been isolated from those she loved. She had lost her freedom. She had missed watching her little boy grow to the married man he now was.

That was her old life. There was no going back. There was no reason to go back to trouble and the strife that lurked, ready to pounce the second she stepped foot back on earth.

Her freedom had come at a cost. While she had managed to bring Yippy, she knew she would never see her husband again. The ice blue coat that covered her hoof was a stark reminder of just how much had changed; there was no going back. Still, it was worth the price. Let someone else worry about the mudbloods wrecking what was left of wizarding culture. She had paid her dues; this was no longer her fight. Neither she nor her son would have anything to do with the troubles to come if she had anything to say about it. All she wanted to do was to help raise her grandchildren. While the little pink unicorn filly was a good start, with three wives, Imogen was sure that it would only be a matter of time before her son gifted her with more blessings.

She had her new beginning.

She would have her happy ending. Woe betide anything or anyone who would threaten that.

Author's Note:

Happy Christmas everyone. Allow me to add the gift of words and imagination to the list of gifts you receive this day. I know it's not a new xbox, but getting one of those for everyone is more than a little outside my means.

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