Chapter 32: Technical Errors
***** WARNING ***** WARNING ***** WARNING *****
The following chapter contains material that may be considered objectionable to some readers. While this chapter fully conforms to both the spirit and the letter of the ratings associated with it, those who are susceptible are cautioned to stay alert for the word "WARNING" in all capitals. If you are in this category, skip to the word "NOMINAL" and ignore everything in between. The author bears no responsibility for anyone offended by the material that is thus designated.
We now return to the story in progress.
***** NOMINAL ***** NOMINAL ***** NOMINAL *****
In the reconfigured faculty lounge, the impromptu staff meeting now hosted an impromptu speaker. The atmosphere was somber as the guest speaker left the podium. Dumbledore had been perplexed when his deputy headmistress had introduced the mind healer from St. Mungo’s. Why had she invited the man to the meeting? It was almost as if she didn’t trust the staff to do their jobs. Tragedies had happened in the past and there hadn’t been a need for grief counseling back then. Why should it be required now?
Nonetheless, Dumbledore led a round of applause as he reclaimed the podium. “Thank you, Healer Marshals, for that informative lecture.” He said, “I can assure you that the staff and myself shall be on the lookout for the signs of depression that you have outlined.”
The healer smiled as he retook his seat, sitting among the rest as if he were part of the faculty. Which, admittedly, he was, for the time being. Minerva had taken it upon herself to persuade the hospital to assign him to the school for as long as his services might be needed. Dumbledore could only sit back and nod his approval; to do otherwise would jeopardize his shaky relationship with his deputy headmistress. Besides, the counselor's presence would do no harm.
He gave the staff some time to quiet down before proceeding. “As you are all aware, Quirinus appears to have abandoned his position. His personal effects have been removed, and he has not been seen for the majority of the week. We assume he took offense over the acquisition of a private tutor by some of our students.”
Dumbledore raised his head to look at the assembled professors. “While the tutor in question has been kind enough to hold Quirinus’ classes for the rest of the week and has agreed to cover for the coming week as well, his contract does not allow this to be a permanent solution. I’m afraid I must recruit a new DADA professor even though we are less than a full week into the semester.”
The announcement was met with muttering from those gathered.
“What are the limits on Mr. Goodman teaching the class?” Professor Vector, the arithmancy instructor, asked through the babbling.
“No more than a month,” replied Dumbledore. “Hopefully, that will be enough.”
No one said anything else on the matter; there was nothing left to say.
Discord continued to stare into the pair of stunningly beautiful eyes, wishing away the unshed tears he had caused as his host continued to cut off circulation.
Without warning, Alice let go of his tie and wrapped her arms around his neck.
“I should have known,” she whispered. “You’re just too perfect for no one else to have noticed before.”
“I had no intention of hurting you,” Discord said, starting his speech.
“No matter,” Alice said, “wife or mistress, you shall be mine.”
“After all we just met last . . .” Discord started, “. . . what?”
“I can share. I hope Fluttershy doesn’t mind.” Alice said pulling Discord down to place her lips on his.
In the windowless basement, the others watched the spectacle with a mixture of horror and astonishment. Before, no one would have believed that a ravenous wolf could have perfect table manners, but there was no disputing the evidence of one's eyes. Each dainty bite was followed by a thorough mastication and swallow. Lips were delicately patted clean before the cycle repeated, almost too fast for the eye to follow.
Sweetie Belle groaned as she leaned back. A half-eaten pizza that had been the size of a manhole cover sat on the coffee table before her. Pepperoni, ham, bacon, sausage, hamburger, salami, roast chicken, barbecue burnt ends, corned beef, and even more pepperoni had topped Michelangelo's Mega Meat Monstrosity. Upon seeing this piece of culinary perfection, Sweetie had lost all interest in the movie and proceeded to move as much as possible from the box into her stomach.
“Is it safe now for the rest of us to try a slice?” Dean asked, eyeing the remnants.
“Sure,” Sweetie grinned with her eyes half shut, “why wouldn’t it be?”
“I don’t know,” Parvati said. “The way you growled at Seamus earlier, uh, kind of scared everyone away.”
“I did not growl at Seamus,” Sweetie protested.
“It must have been the other purple and pink haired girl in the room then.” Dean smirked.
“I do not growl,” Sweetie insisted.
“Could have fooled me,” Seamus returned, “It would have been safer taking a bone from a strange dog.”
Sweetie snorted, “Are you saying that I’m an aggressive eater?”
“Yes!” the occupants of the room said as one, even though they would later deny that Magah and Philomena had chimed in. They would, however, swear that the owl was not what it seemed.
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry. I won’t let it happen again.”
Mending stood in the hospital hallway and watched the door to the evaluation room. She had been told that all three princesses had shown up and were now interviewing the colt. All three. In her evaluation room. At the same time. They had been in there for some time now.
The surprises just keep piling up.
Today seemed the perfect kind of day where a pony might decide to embrace new experiences -- like, perhaps, a protracted bacchanal.
She scarcely registered the sound of hoofbeats approaching as she kept her vigil.
“Mending Psyche?” asked a voice. Mending turned to behold three mares looking at her expectantly.
“Yes?” she said. “How may I help you?”
“Hello, my name is Rarity, and these are my friends, Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy.” The white unicorn in the group said, “We were informed that you were doing a mental screening for Harry Potter.”
Mending scrutinized the mares before her before answering. “Yes,” she finally replied. “It was a disturbing interview to say the least. At the risk of sounding unprofessional, I would very much like to be present when the princesses meet the Dursleys.”
“That statement leads me to believe that you are missing some essential information,” Rarity said with a sigh. “We’ve learned that the Dursleys were compelled, with magic, to act in that contemptible manner.”
“What?” Mending’s eyebrows shot into her mane. “Somepony did this on purpose?”
“Some human,” Rarity corrected with a stamp of her forehoof. “I refuse to even think of sharing the same species as that monster.”
“To be fair,” Fluttershy said softly, “most humans seem to be nice.”
“Humans are real?” Mending asked suspiciously. “Do you seriously expect me to believe that?”
“And with that statement, I can deduce nopony told you that Harry Potter is a transfigured human,” Twilight said. “Come to think of it, we may have forgotten to mention that when we checked him in.”
Mending skeptically glared at the purple unicorn. “Are you trying to rationalize his meat eating practices by feeding me a fiction?” Surreptitiously, she signaled for the orderlies.
“What?” Twilight snorted. “No. As strange as it may sound, Harry Potter is a human from another dimension, whom Discord has given a ring to allow for the shifting of form. Furthermore, in his natural form, he is an omnivore.”
“I suppose that excuses the murder of innocent cows.” Mending's voice dripped with venom.
“No. no.” Rarity interjected, “That subject has already come up in our letters. It seems the humans have a non-sapient species of cows that they cultivate in a similar fashion as pigs. They actually have a law stating they can’t eat anything that can beg for its life.”
Mending laid her ears flat against her skull and snarled, “Just what kind of fool do you take me for?”
Twilight and Rarity stared at Mending, astounded by her hostility. Burly orderlies of all tribes approached from behind, waiting for Mending's signal.
“Miss Mending Psyche!” Fluttershy said meekly, “It’s true. Discord even gave us the ability to change back and forth as well; see?” With those words, Fluttershy’s form blurred and was replaced by a tall delicate, formerly, fictional figure.
As Mending gawked at the new revelation, Twilight said, “Fluttershy, that might not be such a good idea.”
“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” came the girlish cries from the orderlies, chilling everypony’s blood in their veins. Their hoofbeats sounded like machinegun fire as they fled from the former impossibility.
“Never mind,” Twilight said, defeated, as Fluttershy swiftly resumed her natural form.
Mending cringed as she heard the screams recede into the distance, only to jump as the door of evaluation room flew open.
“What’s going on here?” Celestia demanded, followed quickly by Luna, Cadence, and a small blue pegasus colt with a messy black mane.
“I’m sorry, princess,” Rarity said. “It’s just that Fluttershy here felt the need to terrorize a random pony or three.”
“I’m sorry.” Fluttershy cringed and hid her face behind her mane.
Celestia looked at Fluttershy, glanced at Rarity, turned her gaze down the hall toward the receding screaming, and then stared off into space. “In the admittedly short time between hearing a blood curdling scream and finding myself in this hallway, I must concede that the explanation given never graced my list of expectations.”
“Indeed.” Luna nodded her head knowingly. “If it had, it would have ranked somewhere below expecting a cute puppy to suddenly brandish a hatchet and attack everything within its reach.”
Celestia cleared her throat and looked at Luna. “Ah, actually sister, that happened about three hundred years ago.”
“Really?” Luna asked, echoed by Harry, Cadence and Twilight.
“Yes.” Celestia nodded her head. “It was both gruesome and completely adorable at the same time.”
“Um.” Luna tried again. “In that case, your statement would have ranked below expecting a little white rabbit with a spatula harassing innocent ponies.”
Twilight shared a look with Rarity and then shared a glance with Celestia before looking at Fluttershy’s still-cowering form. “All right,” Twilight sighed, “it needs to be said and it might as well be me.” Turning to Luna she pointed a hoof. "It’s apparent that you have never been introduced to Angel Bunny.”
At the edge of a forest, a bear hurried along. The rat held loosely in its jaws spoke of a successful hunt.
The white rabbit riding on its back defied rational explanation.
“Ah suppose it’s ‘bout time to be heading back,” Apple Bloom said as the credits rolled on the screen.
“Hermione said there is a second and a third part to this movie,” Lavender protested.
“That will just have to wait until next time,” Emma said from where she sat petting Magah. “It is getting late.”
“Awww,” Lavender complained as the rest of the herd stood and started stretching after sitting for so long.
“Two movies in one night is a good stopping point,” Hermione said. “We got no studying done today.”
“Life’s not just studying, Hermione,” Scootaloo said. “You’ve got to have fun, too.”
“But studying is fun,” Hermione countered.
“Not for everyone,” Dean rebutted.
“Thank you for inviting us over,” Sweetie Belle said diplomatically, “and thank you for the pizza.”
The rest of the herd also expressed their thanks, following Sweetie’s lead.
Emma surveyed the clutter of crust-filled pizza boxes and half-filled dishes of apple products. She was willing to bet that Ron and Apple were separated at birth; the hair color and the appetites were just too similar to be a coincidence. “You are very welcome. We just love having Hermione bring her friends over. Meeting Magah was exhilarating as well.”
“What are we going to do with the leftovers?” Seamus asked.
“Let me get some foil to wrap up the pie and lasagna. You can take them with you,” Emma said, standing and heading for the stairs. “I’ll clean your sister’s dishes and send them back with her owl.”
“Hooo,” said the owl, still resting on the couch back.
“I think he’s waiting for those letters,” Neville commented.
“Don’t worry, we’ll have Philomena deliver them tomorrow,” Sweetie told the owl.
“Hooo.”
“It’s getting late," Twilight said. “We should probably return Harry to his school.”
“Yes please,” said Harry. His masculinity was being stretched to its limits. He was surrounded by cute, candy-colored ponies whose appearance was a siren's call to transform, just so that he could properly pet and cuddle and . . . He closed his eyes as he struggled to contain himself; he was a bloke, darn it! He was positive that looking into a mirror would leave him trapped like Narcissus.
“We need Discord to do that,” Fluttershy said, “and he doesn’t seem to want to come right now. I wonder what he’s up to.”
***** WARNING ***** WARNING ***** WARNING *****
*****!ERROR!*****
***STORY RATED TEEN!!!!***
***SCENE TRANSFER EXCEEDS PARAMETERS!!!!***
REDIRECTING . . . . . . . . .
“Hey!” Discord’s voice called from somewhere in the background, “Stop that! You’re giving them the wrong ideas!”
*****!ERROR!*****
***FOURTH WALL INTEGRITY BREACHED!!!!***
***INITIATING REPAIRS***
***MOVE ALONG . . .NOTHING TO SEE HERE***
***** NOMINAL ***** NOMINAL ***** NOMINAL *****
Theoretically, Emma could have waited for the next morning to finish cleaning. In reality, if she had, she would have managed very little sleep. Emma did not like leaving messes.
Despite the clutter the children had managed in such a short time, the matter was resolved quickly. Her daughter had not entertained in a long time, and Emma was overjoyed that she was making friends at her new school. Unfortunately, Hermione’s earlier childhood had been a lonely time as her peers were intimidated by her intelligence and her dedication. She was lucky to get any of them to talk to her, much less try making friends.
Humming to herself, Emma noticed that the children had left something important behind. On the bookshelf rested a necklace.
“So?” Luna nudged Twilight as they walked back to the palace, “Angel Bunny?”
“The most inappropriately named white rabbit in Equestrian history,” Twilight said with a grimace.
***** WARNING ***** WARNING ***** WARNING *****
*****!ERROR!*****
***BLATANT PLAGIARISM DETECTED!***
***PROCEDING TO SMACK THE AUTHOR!***
***FOURTH WALL INTEGRITY AT 87%***
Pinkie Pie looked up, ”What do you mean by the eye dee ten tea protocol? Look, nothing will happen.”
***FOURTH WALL INTEGRITY AT 72%***
“Ooops!”. Pinkie murmured.
***** NOMINAL ***** NOMINAL ***** NOMINAL *****
Dan was just entering the kitchen, after taking out the trash, when he heard his wife’s voice call up from the still open basement door, “Dan!”
“Yes dear?!” he called back, “Are you okay? You sound a little horse.”
“Would you please come down here and help me?” Emma called. “I can’t get this off with my hooves!”
***** WARNING ***** WARNING ***** WARNING *****
*****!ERROR!*****
***NON-HUMOROUS REUSE OF MATERIAL***
***PROCEEDING TO GROAN >>>>click!<<<< . . . . . ...
Everypony’s a critic . .
***** NOMINAL ***** NOMINAL ***** NOMINAL *****
Sweetie Belle slowly awoke. She was content, if not very coherent. A smothering source of warmth blanketed her, a totally unexpected sensation that immediately brought her to full wakefulness.
Shoving the source, she grunted, “Magah! Get off; you’re way too heavy!”
“Harry, it’s time to wake up.”
Harry slowly opened his eyes, blinking at the invasive morning light infusing his room in the pony palace. Smiling, he recognized the voice. He was still in his pony form, curled under a mound of blankets atop a mattress as soft as a cloud. A wide yawn gave way to a contented smile; here was one he owed much to.
He turned toward the voice. “Good Morneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” It seemed that pegasus colts could hit some rather high notes.
“Is there something the matter?” Discord peered at the shivering colt.
“Waa waa waaa.”
“Oh.” Discord leaned back and snapped his claws. “That’s right; this is your first time seeing me in my true majestic form.”
“UUU uuu oh.” Harry agreed, trembling like a leaf.
“Well, then.” Discord faded from view, but his lips lingered with his voice. “I’ll just leave you to recover. We can try this again in a few, when you're more awake.”
Harry stared at the spot the dragon thing had occupied. Awake less than two minutes and he had already learned two very interesting facts.
First, it appeared Discord wasn’t a pony. Second, pegasi could evidently stick to the ceiling, using their hooves.
. . .
. . .
How had he managed to get up here, anyway?
Morning had broken in the quiet London suburb. The night had been blissfully sleepless as the couple shared a new toy, one that had given them a spark they had not experienced since their honeymoon.
“Okay,” Dan said, “I’ve been like this long enough. I just want to enjoy my morning coffee.”
“But you're so cute!” Emma ran her hands through her husband’s dark yellow fur and cuddled closer. “Let’s just have a bit of a lay in; I’ll get you your coffee latter.”
“Fine,” he relented, “but it’s your turn to wear it.”
To Parvati's dismay, Magah had proven remarkably adept at sniffing out magic as the now-transfigured unicorn made her escape from the trunk. It took every last bit of speed to bar the dorm's door before Magah could give a refresher course in the history of Coventry.
Parvati glared balefully at Magah, only to receive an innocent smile in return. “Listen, either the robe goes on or the necklace comes off. We’re going to breakfast soon, and you simply can’t go in the buff.”
“Goo,” Magah returned helpfully.
After knocking and receiving permission, the earth pony maid entered the room and spotted the child she was supposed to gather for breakfast.
“I see that you are up already,” she said approvingly; she had suspected that she would have had to wake him.
“Yeah,” he agreed, nodding, “a little too up for my tastes.”
“Well, you could just come down here.”
He looked at the height he had to traverse, “How?”
“You do have wings,” she reminded him. “I understand that’s common for pegasi.”
“Oh yeah.” He stretched the aforementioned limbs. “I forgot about them.”
“How do you manage to forget about wings?” the maid asked.
Harry marveled at pegasus aerodynamics.
*Thump*
“Also,” she said, moving forward to assist, “it helps if you don't point straight down.”
“Noted,” the colt said from where he was sprawled out on the floor.
“Ah.” Discord was happy to see all the princesses and the three Element Bearers were in the dining room. “You’re all here. It occurred to me that I should inform you before taking Harry back to school.”
“Could you not wait until after breakfast?” Cadence asked. “We didn’t have much time with him before he fell asleep. He had a long day yesterday.”
“I’m afraid it would be best if I got him back before certain parties realize he’s gone.” Discord shrugged. “Alice has pretty much closed any loopholes, but I want to be able to pull him out from under a certain bearded nose if the worst comes to pass.”
“That seems terribly premeditated of you,” Luna noted. “Suspiciously structured for one such as you.”
“My dear Luna.” Discord wrapped his body around Luna’s barrel and hugged her head close to his. “I am the spirit of chaos.”
“We are aware.” Luna tolerated the close contact.
“As such, the moment you try to define me, you’ve misdefined me,” Discord said cheerfully, “especially when you use my previous actions as a basis for that definition.”
“How perfectly convenient, for you,” Luna noted.
“It is kind of in the job description.” Discord grinned madly.
“Wait a minute!” Twilight objected, “Isn’t a job description defining you by definition?”
“Yes, it is,” Discord agreed.
“So, isn’t a job description misdefining you?” Twilight glared at Discord.
“Yes.” Discord pulled away from Luna to wrap himself around Twilight instead. “I see you understand.”
“But you just contradicted yourself,” she complained.
“Exactly,” Discord concurred.
“That’s just, just, just,” Twilight stammered.
“Chaotic?” Discord asked.
“Well,” she admitted, “yes.”
“And she sees the light.” Discord cheered.
The girls filed into the boys' dorm room, intent on waking the colts. They stopped just inside the door and looked around.
"You know,” Scootaloo said, “it might have helped if they had keyed us to their trunks.”
“Oh yeah!” Emma moaned ecstatically, “Right there! Harder! Faster! Harder! Faster!”
Dan interrupted his rhythm long enough to shake his hands and say, “Who knew you could get so much enjoyment out of having your ears scratched?”
“I’m back!” Discord announced as he popped into existence.
“Eeeek!”
Watching the maid, Harry noted that earth ponies seemed to lack the ability to stick to ceilings, despite their impressive jumping skills. “Welcome back,” he said. "I’m sorry for my earlier rudeness. I just expected you to be another pony.”
“Tsk, tsk, my boy.” Discord flipped his paw back and forth dismissively. “You’ve had a lot thrown at you recently. I’m surprised you’re handling it so well.”
“I’ve had a great week. It’s like all my wishes have been answered,” Harry trumpeted, raising back on his hind legs and pumping his forelegs as he spread his wings for balance. “I’m just afraid it’s all just a dream and I’m going to wake up and still be in my cupboard under the stairs.”
Discord’s smile disappeared. “I will not let that happen. Rarity will not let that happen. The princesses will not let that happen. Now, you have friends who will stand by your side. You have adults that will protect you. You are a strong one, but you are not just one. You are one of a herd of many.”
“I’m, I’m . . .” Harry pawed at the bedroom floor. “I don’t have to go back to the Dursley’s?”
“No,” Discord said. “You’re not going to be forced to go back.”
Harry stared at the floor. “I don’t want to go back.”
“You won’t.” Discord stopped himself from reaching out with a comforting claw that would not have been appreciated.
“I," Harry whispered, “I hate them.”
The maid, still in the room, gasped loudly. The weight of the words struck her more painfully than a physical blow. Even Discord winced.
“They always tell me I’m worthless,” Harry continued, lying down where he stood, “that I don’t deserve the food they waste on me.”
The maid rushed over to lie beside him and offer him support.
“I don’t know how many times I’ve sat in my cupboard and could hear them laughing in the family room. They were happy together and I was not welcome.”
Discord lowered himself to get closer as the colt continued to look at the floor.
“I don’t want to go back.”
“You won’t have to.” Discord assured him.
“I like being called Harry. I can remember when I thought my name was ‘boy’.”
The maid started shivering with suppressed rage.
“At Hogwarts, I’m welcome. I’m part of the laughter.”
Discord remained quiet and let the colt continue to open up.
“At Hogwarts, I eat more in one day than I’m normally allowed in a whole week.”
The maid sucked in a breath and noticed just how small the colt beside her was.
“I don’t want to go back.” Harry lifted his gaze and looked at Discord. “What do I do now?”
“I won’t let things go back to the way they were,” Discord vowed. “As for you, with all that emotion you have bottled up, I suggest you start by just letting yourself go and having a good cry.”
Harry looked at him without tears, “I suppose I’ve forgotten how. Is it too late for me?”
Seamus and Neville watched as Scootaloo and Lavender danced the Hopak on Ron’s trunk to no avail. They tapped their feet to the drum cadence of "Auch Sprach Zarathustra" as Parvati and Apple Bloom pounded it on Dean’s.
“I have a question,” Seamus said after a few minutes. “Can Philomena flame you into a trunk?”
Scootaloo stopped mid-jump, and the rest of the girl’s collectively face palmed.
“Harry,” Discord said, “I’m going to send you to Hogwarts now. Don’t worry about being sent back to the Dursley’s. Right now, no one has the right to make you do that. All you need to do is go and enjoy your time with your herdmates.”
Harry wordlessly nodded his head. A small smile starting to form on his lips.
Discord snapped his claws, and the colt was gone.
“Ahem!” Discord looked down to locate the feminine voice. The maid, who had taken in the story, continued. “I need you to take me to the Dursleys.” She put on her best puppy dog eyes and gave a quivering pout.
“That’s not fair,” Discord whimpered.
“P-p-p- please.” She pleaded. “Somepony is about to get hurt, and I’m sure you would much prefer it be them rather than you.”
“Um . . . bye!” Discord disappeared, proving that you can teach an old draconequus new tricks.
A crowd of first-years waited with bated breath in front of Ron's trunk. They knew he was a heavy sleeper, but this was taking far too long. The anticipation was becoming unbearable. At long last, the lid to Ron's truck popped open, allowing Ron's protests to reach those outside the trunk. Parvati appeared first. She stepped over the lip of the trunk backward, dragging Ron by his armpits. Scootaloo followed, carrying Ron by his legs.
Ron continued his vocabulary lesson as the girls set him down. Hermione noticed something was amiss. “Girls,” she said, “why didn’t you let him get dressed? He can’t go to breakfast in just his boxers.”
“He can’t?” Scootaloo asked.
“No, he most assuredly cannot.” Lavender backed up Hermione.
“Okay.” With the decisiveness of Alexander the Great, Scootaloo rectified the situation.
“Hey!” Ron cried.
“Scootaloo!” Hermione cried out, as Lavender hid her face in her hands and Parvati blushed.
“What?” Scootaloo asked innocently. “He’s not in just his boxers anymore.”
In a daze, Harry climbed the stairs to exit his trunk. Human once again, he reflected on everything that had happened since classes had ended yesterday. Lifting the lid, he saw that the rest of the herd was there, staring at Ron’s trunk.
“Hello,” Harry said, startling everyone.
“Harry,” Ginny cooed, “when did you get back?”
“Just now.” Harry climbed out of his chest and went to stand with his friends, his herd.
“How’d it go?” Apple Bloom asked as Ginny and Hermione wrapped Harry in a hug.
“It was an experience,” Harry answered.
“You got a ring like ours,” Sweetie noted happily.
“Yeah.” Harry nodded.
“Let’s see then.” Scootaloo insisted, hopping around the hug group.
“After breakfast,” Harry said, “I’m starving.”
“I kin relate to that,” Apple Bloom agreed.
“Okay, I’m dressed.” The lid of Ron’s trunk popped open once again. “Harry, hey mate, how’d it go?”
“I’m still trying to decide on that myself,” Harry admitted.
“I wish you were able to stay with us yesterday,” Neville said. "We had a lot of fun."
“Yeah,” Lavender agreed, “except for the first movie.”
“It wasn’t that bad.” Dean complained, drawing glares from several others.
“I have a question,” Harry said.
“Yes?” Seamus said, “What’s that?”
“Who’s the lady bursting out of her robes?”
“Geeeeeeem!” Magah greeted the last missing foal buoyantly, nuzzling him as she checked for injuries.
“Aaaaaah.” Dan gibbered as Emma ran her hand down his length. Each stroke brought another episode of pure ecstasy. Sticking his tongue out he lavished at her touch.
Emma, in turn was giddy over the pleasure she was causing her husband. She was never going to be able to look at another brush again in the same manner as before.
It was not a happy time in the tiny London apartment. Dressed in her best outfit, Elisa Bates gathered her daughter and prepared to head for the bus stop. She had to get to the bottom of the nonsense she had been hearing. Little green men did not just hand over large amounts of money for no discernable reason.
Whatever it was, it could not be on the up and up. She was terrified her daughter was being set up for something, something highly illegal and almost impossible to get out of. She was terrified that she would have to take the money and flee the country with her daughter. She was terrified she and her daughter were about to be sold into slavery. She was terrified that Abagail had somehow stolen the money. She was terrified.
Unable to hide the trembling of her hand, she opened her front door just in time to find an individual was in the process of raising their own hand to knock.
Spooked at the unanticipated intrusion, Elisa stared at the woman in the Victorian Era dress. After blinking owlishly for a moment, the fleeing mother said, “Yes?”
“Hello, I am here for Abagail Bates,” the woman said, confirming Elisa’s worst fears that her daughter had gotten in over her head.
“Who.” Elisa bit her lip and tried again. “Who are you?”
“I apologize; I didn’t mean to alarm you,” the woman said. “I am Professor McGonagall, and I’m here to introduce you to a new world.”
Eyes narrowing, Elisa asked, "What kind of world."
Abagail smiled at the professor's response. "Do you believe in magic?"
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8577538
It's not that he's overpowered it's more of an issue that there can be no real conflict in this story because Discord will swoop in and fix it before it becomes a problem.
YAY UPDATES. and holy fuck the innuendo
Well hopefully that doctor no longer has a beef with Harry's eating habits.
ICR who (Walt Whitman?) said "You say that I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. I am vast, I contain multitudes."
8598806
You can say the same about canon then, that there can be no conflict in the show anymore, because Discord was reformed and potentially can solve all problems with a snap of his claws. /sarcasm
8598864
He could but he doesn't because the writers choose not use him as a character who can just solve everyone's problems. While in this story that's exactly how he is being used.
8598896
Is him getting into an uncomfortable romance using him as a solve-everything catalyst?
8598929
No it's a funny gag but it doesn't mean everything he's done stops being an issue.
Luna so needs to be in this...Plus Pinkie HAS to meet Forge and Gred. :D
Creatively amusing as always! Can't wait to see the other herd's pony forms, course with the Ron/Bloom twin thing going on my guess is Ron would be identically colored to Apple Bloom, but he would be a Pegasus....honestly couldn't picture him as anything else...
Magah still playing Lady Godiva I see
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Not really. He gave that book of laws to whatever-her-name-was to make heads flying in the wizengamot, but he didn't directly intervene then and didn't know what exactly she would do. He crossed over CMC and provided them with essential items, but didn't notify their relatives. That's two examples off the top of my head of him causing conflict instead of solving problems.
Besides, large-scale conflict isn't needed for a story to be a good read. And there is enough interpersonal(or whatever the word is, too sleepy to look up right now) conflict and interactions in this story for it to be entertaining without large-scale conflicts being these life-and-death things where general outcome isn't certain.
TL;DR - Yes, large-scale conflicts aren't really a thing here with Discord actively working against them, but there are enough small-scale conflicts where he doesn't play a "deus ex machina" role in solving them.
I wonder how long it'll be before Emma and Dan use that ring for ACTUAL sexual activities. They're a married couple, so it'll be inevitable if you ask me.
Also the "WARNING WARNING" parts seemed more disruptive to the chapter's flow than anything constructive to it.
Poor Discord doesn't know how to handle the attention he's getting now. He should probably explain his extra-dimensional and distinctly non-human nature to Alice. If she's still into him after that, well herds are a thing in Equestria... and the United Kingdom now too!
So the Mane Six can change without the need for rings at all? That's interesting.
Now that Harry has been a pony, and a pegasus at that, I wonder if the brooms are going to start acting different around him during flying lessons, akin to how they act around Scootaloo, though I suspect Scootaloo's response is stronger. ...God help Hogwarts if Rainbow Dash ever tries flying with a broom...
I wonder if Magah will smell or detect a difference in Harry now that he's been a pony?
SNAPE STILL NEEDS HIS HUGS!
Repeat or not this is still gold.
Also i want an explanation for the new warning in the story's description.
Wait a minute, Luna never saw any nightmares that involved this white fluffy terror? Especially ones from Ponyville?
Wow, this sentence alone summerize Discord perfectly. ...wait, did I just missummerize him?
Can you please not do the "warning" stuff anymore? It was annoying when it first showed up, let alone fifth. I`d understand if you were actually demarkating some distinctly mature section of text like this, but as a visual gag, it`s just too garish to induce anything other then irritation.
I don't want to rain on anyone's parade, but isn't this 'new' chapter exactly the same as chapter 31, almost word for word?
Am I being stupid here or did something somewhere go wrong?
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Sigh::: Chapter 31 has been restored, sorry about the mix up.
Well, the warnings supplied me with an undefined quantity of wat.
And apparently ponies are meant to be snuggled. It's like some law of nature in this universe.
So, what sorts of ponies were Hermione's parents?
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best guess? earth ponies...
Chapter 32 is well worth the wait. When's the next one?
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No I don't think you missummerize Discord.
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Another great chapter--Discord would be proud...
...also, gotta wonder when the kids in the Griffyndor herd will start to try and make spells to transfigure their wands into laser swords?...
this is a grate chapter just so fun to read.
i can see Harry hanging upside down wondering how he got there.
in a way i all most feel bade for the Dursleys as they ware under a charm to treat Harry as they did, all most but not quite.
Well, yes, but only the warning message itself.
In any case, shenanigans abound, and thankfully the psychiatrists of Canterlot aren't going to try to trample anyone for the wrong reasons. Though the Goblin Queen enrolling at Hogwarts could have all kinds of interesting consequences.
Also, corned beef on pizza? Really?
Confused. What happened?
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And when did the Goblin Queen join? Who is she? I'm so confused.
Obviously the correct procedure would be to apply a vigorous blow to the author's carpals and lower ulna using a saturated proof of purchase of public vehicular transit service.
That's dangerous stuff Pinkie. The last story I saw it mentioned in required it for decontaminating neenion particles. A parade in full hazmat gear was needed to get it through the entire length of the ship, both ways.
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Startlingly as it may sound, yes. It's kinda of like a reuben sandwich. Whomever first thought that one up was either drunk, pregnant, high as a kite, or some combination of the three. Yet the resulting combination is mouthwatering.
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"That's not going to fit." Said Emma.
"We can try." Dan persisted.
"No," Emma frowned, "no we can't. Now put the bloody bagel in the toaster oven and stop trying to force it into the pop up."
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This author will neither confirm nor deny the existence of a private message on this or maybe another site also hosting this story. Said, hypothetical message, may or may not have contained a story from a reader telling of how she was reading chapter 31 to her husband while they were driving down the road. It is unproven that maybe something or other, in said chapter, may or may not have caused said spouse to laugh uncontrollably. It should need no explanation, but laughing uncontrollably while driving should not be attempted. To be safe, let's call the scenario imaginary, and view the warning message as nothing more than the author's lame attempt to drum up interest in his story.
Remember people, the coffee may be hot!
8608392 Uhm... he killed villains in this story, so even assumed canon is out the window.
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Actually no. He has stepped on a bug, which seems to be immortal. That's the extent of physical harm he has caused.
The other villains that died? Not him, he was the middle man between the two who caused that.
Unless of course in the several times reading this, I missed the part where he gutted someone with a fish.
I'm waiting for the moment when Discord decides to really screw with the order of things and he moves a Dresden Files Warden over a couple of universes to be the new DADA Teacher.
Warden Donald "I lured a fallen angel to a nuclear test site, and apparated out when the detonation timer hit 00:00" Morgan in charge of a class of eleven year old wizards and witches is an image that needs to be made reality.
Yeah... the last chapter definitely crossed the line for me. My old perception of it has shattered and, without bending over backwards to fit it all into my rose-coloured perception of what's going on, I'm seeing how shallow, repetitive, and disjointed it can be at times.
Also...
Roll for retcon... FAILED.
Not even Discord can talk his way out of the "truth is stranger than fiction" effect. (We intuitively hold fiction to higher standards for coherence and plausibility than reality because we never forget that it was written by an author.)
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Well. no he didn't. At least, not directly. Yes, he gave Alice the info used to kill a vast number of wizards. But, he didn't do it himself. That may be splitting hairs, but technically he hasn't directly killed anyone. (I'm assuming that the bug that gave Elisha & her daughter magic powers was the one from earlier. If so, being stepped on was a gesture of contempt, not a fatal injury)
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I too want to see that. It would be awesome. For that matter, I've got me a nice Dresden Files crossover I want to read later...
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Yeah, that's a fair statement. Some of those were really over the top. They were funny, but not very healthy for the story's plot.
For that matter, I want to know how the hex Discord seems to have become the star of a soap opera.
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That does seem odd. I do say that this explanation of Discord's behavior seems fairly good, but it should have been earlier on for best effect. Perhaps in the first chapters, as he muses on it after POOMFing the CMC to London. Or that chaos can be used for good, or that being chaotic is orderly if expected...
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I DO want to see what Dash can do. Scoots is now on record for having done physical impossibilities with broom flight already.
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Ooh! Would that be My Little Denarians?
...I should probably reread that.
I think this sums up my feelings every time I read this chapter exactly.
I'm sure you all understand why.
Now arriving at Sector C. Test Labs and Control Facilities
You know, I've just realized something vital: Rarity is the new mistress of the Elder Wand... things are about to get intense.
should have had a warning section followed by a false alarm alert.
Discord continued to stare into the pair of stunningly beautiful eyes, wishing away the unshed tears he had caused as his host continued to cut off circulation.
Without warning, Alice let go of his tie and wrapped her arms around his neck.
“I should have known,” she whispered. “You’re just too perfect for no one else to have noticed before.”
“I had no intention of hurting you,” Discord said, starting his speech.
“No matter,” Alice said, “wife or mistress, you shall be mine.”
“After all we just met last . . .” Discord started, “. . . what?”
“I can share. I hope Fluttershy doesn’t mind.” Alice said pulling Discord down to place her lips on his.
ha, looks like Ms. Rutter would like to become Mrs. OBIH and doesn't care if she has to enter a herd agreement.
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yeah, can't believe the useless piece of junk had to fail for me to realize it myself.
The amount of innuendos in this chapter grouchymuffin.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/jim2.jpg
Oh, Meatie Belle. You are funny.
Oh the demon Bunny
Okay. Where did they start?
The last lines of the story set off the song in my head and it won't stop
ù
UGH... Ground Meat, Chicken, roasted meat in general and corned beef have no place on a pizza... ;p
barbecue
It's formerly, not formally.