• Published 23rd Apr 2017
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Magic School Days - Dogger807

When the CMC asked Discord to help them attend magic school, he pulled an owl out of his hat. Only he didn't exactly have a hat. Which was okay, since their new school had a singing one laying around. Where the hay was Hogwarts anyway?

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Chapter 86: Lockups, Luncheons, and Leftovers

The thestral stallion looked about his surroundings with muted wonder. He had expected Canterlot's central detention facility to be a dreary testament to the consequences of crime. Instead, the minimum-security cell seemed more like an oversized playpen, with every surface padded to prevent injury. The walls were painted in bright and welcoming colors. Bunk beds were furnished with comfortable mattresses and gaily-colored quilts. Sunlight streamed in from the skylights, and a gentle breeze blew in from the large window set higher than he could hope to climb.

Despite the room's appearance, the stallion had no doubt it was more than adequate to keep the average citizen incarcerated. The bars that made the front wall seemed sturdy enough. Considering that a third of the population could fly, he was positive that the window was heavily warded.

The yellow earth pony stallion who towered over him, however, stood as a stark reminder that the surroundings were anything but friendly. The brute exuded menace as he examined the thestral in minute detail. From an occupied bunk, a rust-colored earth pony stallion said nonchalantly, “That there is Dense; he works for me.”

“I see,” Severus said, emotionlessly looking up at the imposing stallion.

“While we are in this . . .” The rust colored stallion took a few seconds to find the right words. “Unfortunate situation, it would be best to lay down some ground rules. For the duration, I feel I should inform you that you will be taking orders from me.”

“I see.” Severus sneered. “In that case, I should inform you that I am an omnivore currently in the body of a pony.”

The rust colored stallion sneered in return. “And what is that supposed to mean?”

"Beshbarmak, sauerbraten, sfilacci, leberkasesemmal."

"Friends of yours?" asked the rust-colored stallion.

"No," Severus coldly replied. "Those are some of the ways we would prepare you at home. I think your liver would go nicely with some fresh fava beans."

The looming stallion took a wary step backwards as his rust-colored leader squeaked. “Fava beans?”

“And a nice chianti,” Severus added.


“Actually, an aged amarone would go better with liver,” Severus mused.

“What are you doing in minimum security?” the rust-colored stallion squealed.

“I was hoping to take a quick nap,” Severus said.

“Right. Take whichever bed you want.”

“You are so very kind,” Severus said, derision dripping from his words as Dense took a few more steps backwards.

“We don’t want any trouble,” the rust-colored stallion said.

“Trouble?” asked a voice from the window. “Why would there be any trouble?”

Severus refocused his attention and found a dappled grey pegasus stallion flying through the open window, carrying a large white cardboard box. “What are you doing here?”

“Just waiting for Marabell to come bail me out,” the pegasus said nonchalantly. “I’m in for an earful, let me tell you; you know how it is with mares. I swear, I'd go nuts if I didn't get drunk and disorderly every now and again.”

Wistfully, Severus looked out the wide-open window and stretched his wings. An experimental flap didn't even lift him off the ground. With a sigh, he folded his wings. He asked the pegasus, "Where did you go?"

“I was getting peckish, so I went and got doughnuts,” the pegasus answered. “What’s with those two?” He gestured at the two cowering in a corner of the cell.

“They were just reminded of their manners,” Severus stated.

“Yeah.” The pegasus shrugged. “Don’t mind them. They’ve read one too many gangster novels. I’ll bet you think the big guy’s name is Dense.”

“You’re back,” a mare’s voice said from the other side of the bars, “and you brought doughnuts, I see.”

“Yup,” The pegasus brandished the box proudly. “Doughnut Joe’s, only the best.”

Severus turned to see a guard had come by to check on them. “Did you get any with cream?” she asked hopefully.

“No, sorry, but I have a few with custard.”

“Bleh!” The mare stuck out her tongue.

“Jelly filled? I have raspberry and strawberry,” the pegasus said, nonplussed.

“I’ll have strawberry, please.” Soon, she had a pastry floating over and was munching away. “Thanks,” she said through a half-chewed bite.

“Do you have any with chocolate glaze?” the rust-colored stallion asked as he and Dense came forward to inspect the contents of the box.

“How about any with fava beans?” Severus asked casually. There was a clatter of hooves as the two stallions stopped their forward motion and hurriedly retreated to the farthest corner.

“What’s with them?” the guard asked through another mouthful.

“It appears they’ve had a really effective lesson in manners,” the pegasus said. “Yes, I have two with fava beans, one with vanilla frosting and one with maple.”

Without registering his surprise on his face, Severus said, “Vanilla, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“I brought them back for everypony else,” the pegasus said. “I ate mine with my coffee. Didn’t want it to get cold on the trip from there to here.”

Severus carefully studied the pastry before taking a tentative bite. Fava beans had no right tasting so good in a doughnut. “Mmmm,” he purred.

“Like I said.” The pegasus put the box down. “Only the best from Doughnut Joe’s. So, what are you in for?”

“Dine and dash,” the guard said after swallowing. “He popped back into the café he stiffed the night before, and when confronted, tried to pay with some funny coins.”

“I was abducted against my will,” Severus said sourly. “Once I can contact my dates or find a method of exchanging my coins for the local currency, I shall clear the ledger.”

“Which is why you are in minimum security and we sent a runner to the palace,” the guard said. Somehow, she managed to use her forehooves to make air quotes without rearing up. “A ‘foalnapped’ stallion would have been brought to the attention of the princesses immediately.”

The doughnut-bearing pegasus looked at Severus and said. “Yeah, I’m going to have to call you on that one. You’re way too calm for a stallion who's just been foalnapped.”

“Obvious lie,” the guard agreed, “but nopony should get that worked up over a few bits worth of food. I’m sure we’ll work something out. You know, get you back on your hooves. I even know a few of the nightguard, maybe I could introdu. . .”

The doughnut-munching mare was interrupted by a thud that sounded like the world's largest bass drum as a blast of air rushed up past her.

“Severus Snape?!” demanded a loud, accented voice from somewhere below.

There must have been a reply because the next words heard were “Where’s that?” followed by “Thank y'all kindly, miss”.

“What the . . .” the guard started when an orange blur resolved into a familiar mare.

“Severus, yer safe!” Applejack exclaimed as she hooked a forehoof around the lock of the cell’s door. There came the awful screeching of rending metal before Applejack tossed the obstacle over her withers. “Were y'all hurt? Did those varmints scare you? Did they feed you?”

Severus attempted to answer the torrent of questions, but lacked the lungpower necessary to both respond and survive the hug he found himself engulfed in.

“What?” The guard was sure that her jaw had hit the ground, just like her half-eaten doughnut. Her shocked gaze fell on the discarded door. “Nopony short of Celestia should have been able to do that!”

“Squeak!” Severus protested.

The guard regained her bearings and lit her horn in warning. “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to release that stallion and take a few steps back.”

Applejack loosened her grip but didn’t let go. “Sorry 'bout that. I was just all worried like.”

“Your concern was misplaced,” Severus wheezed. “I was never in any danger.”

“The door?” The guard brought the conversation back on track.

“Ah’ll pay fer that,” Applejack said.

“You shouldn’t have been able to do that,” the guard said.

“Ah’m an Apple.”

The guard paused to consider the new information. “. . . Still . . .”

“Ah’m from Ponyville.”

“No further questions.” The guard relented. “I’ll draw up the bill for your meal and the repairs.”

“Thank y'all kindly.”

“We hope we are not too late.” Severus watched as a large winged unicorn came into view, carrying a zebra in her magic. The striped mare was heaving for breath, her barrel expanding and collapsing in an exaggerated rhythm.

The guard snapped to attention as the other stallions in the cell stiffened in surprise.

“Zecora,” Severus said, “are you all right?”

“I fear right now . . .” *wheeze* “. . . my breath is hard to . . .” *wheeze* “. . . grapple.” *wheeze* “I just tried and . . .” *wheeze* “. . . failed to outrun an . . .” *wheeze* “. . . Apple.”

The large unicorn/pegasus hybrid looked at the discarded door before addressing Applejack “Couldst thou not have waited for the door to be unlocked?”

“Ah may have gotten a bit carried away,” Applejack admitted. “Sorry, Princess Luna.”

“Tis easily repaired,” Luna said, lifting the door in her magic. “We shall correct thy enthusiasm, then proceed with the questions.” As she was maneuvering the door back into position, she scanned the enchantments attached to it on a whim. A frown crossed her face, and she scanned it a second time. Then, just to be sure, she scanned it a third time. “Pray tell, why dost a jail door of low security bear such complex and thorough enchantments?”

“Ma’am.” The guard said still at attention. “We get our fair share of rowdy advanced students from the school. When they get bored, they add to our security. Some are even sober at the time.”

Luna looked first at the door and then at Applejack. “Have we mentioned recently how glad we are that thou art our ally and not our foe?”

Applejack blushed.

“We will be taking this with us. Send thy bill to the palace.”

“Ma’am, yes ma’am,” acknowledged the guard.

“Now, what canst thou tell us about thy abduction?” Luna turned her attention to Severus, who was now sandwiched between his dates.

“There isn’t that much to tell.” Severus shrugged. “I was enjoying a meal, got conked on my head, woke up to a pair of remorseful ponies, told them I wasn’t interested and apparated back to the last place I saw Zecora and Applejack.”

“You really were foalnapped?” the pegasus stallion said.

“Did thou get any names? See any cutie marks?” Luna pressed.

“Yes, but I have no wish to press charges,” Severus said.

“Your response is most strange I confess. Why no charges do you seek to press?” Zecora asked.

“Is this some kinda human thing?” Applejack asked.

“They weren’t bad people,” Severus said.

“Excuse me,” said a white mare who came to stand before Luna. “I couldn’t help but overhear, being in the next cell over and all. But this stallion is obviously suffering from Stockyard syndrome. I have a cousin who specializes in such cases. I could go fetch her if you like, your highness.”

“The option might yet be explored,” Luna said. “But first we shall do our own evaluation.” She stared Severus in the eyes. “Legilimens.” The results were less than perfect. Severus’s head snapped back as if struck while Luna flipped back head over tail landing heavily on her back.

A tense silence prevailed before Luna asked, with her eyes screwed shut, “Occlumency shields?”

“Yes,” Severus said, his eyes also closed.

“Formidable.” Luna rolled over onto her belly. “We must attempt that again.”

“Please don’t,” Severus said.

“Perhaps in more controlled conditions,” Luna said, shaking her head. “It would seem that our newest skill is denied us in this instance.”

“Your subtlety needs some work,” Severus commented.

“Certes,” replied Luna.

“Um,” said the pegasus stallion. “I’ve got doughnuts. Would anypony like one?”

“You should try the one with fava beans,” Severus said. “Rather good, if you ask me.”

The would-be gangsters in the cell whimpered.

Rufus Scrimgeour was only slightly apprehensive when he entered his boss’s office. “You called, ma’am?” he asked.

“This should have been brought to my attention immediately.” Amelia pushed a sheet forward for him to examine. “Why was it buried in a stack of routine reports?"”

Scrimgeour took a quick glance at the report. "That was my mistake. With everything else going on, this just slipped through the cracks, I'm afraid."

“A kidnapping slipped through the cracks?” Amelia snarled.

"The matter is outside our jurisdiction," Scrimgeour said smoothly. "The Equestrians are on the case, and they've assured us that the only danger Snape faces is an assault on his virtue. Between the muggles being portkeyed to the hospital, Mrs. Lee showing up in Ponyville, and witches raiding the local prisons, his case got pushed to the back burner."

Amelia sighed. “Do we have anyone free to help with the investigation?”

“I've tasked Shepherd to join in the investigation once the Lee situation is settled," replied Scrimgeour.

Amelia pulled the report back and read it carefully. “They want to breed him?” she exclaimed with more than a hint of incredulity.

“So, it would seem. I say just leave it be, and he’ll find his own way home.”

“I’m sorry, Rufus; I had only read that he had been kidnapped before calling for you.” Amelia grimaced. “You’re right; he doesn’t seem to be in imminent danger.”

“Would you like to join the pool on how long it takes for him to get free on his own?”

“No.” Amelia stood up. “I’ll just inform Hogwarts that their potions master is indisposed. If I didn’t know that Princess Luna was on the case, I’d say that you were underestimating the ponies who kidnapped him.”

“Actually, I’m counting on the ponies underestimating Snape.”

“There is that.” Amelia said, placing the sheet back on her desk. “Is there anything else that should have been brought to my attention?”

“The commissioner of Scotland Yard wanted to meet with you this afternoon,” Scrimgeour said. “I told him that you would be coming in late today and rescheduled for tomorrow.”

Amelia pinched the bridge of her nose. “We need more aurors.”

“You were the one who told me that not only was the Minister willing to increase our budget, but also the muggles were interested in supplementing our department as well,” Scrimgeour said. “With other departments downsizing, we should have our pick of candidates.”

“We need more aurors right now,” Amelia corrected.

“We have what we have.” Scrimgeour shrugged.

“If anything like this shows up again and you don’t tell me immediately, you’ll be doing paperwork for a week,” Amelia said. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go floo Professor McGonagall.”

“Not Professor Dumbledore?” Scrimgeour asked.

Irritably, Amelia cracked her knuckles. “I'd prefer not having to explain to the Ministry why Hogwarts suddenly needs a new headmaster.”

“Fair enough.”

Minerva had come to the conclusion that even after casting the expansion charms, her office was the wrong venue for a full faculty meeting. It was an impromptu affair that had grown gradually as professors had dropped by in ones and twos to ask about the implications of the anticipated avalanche of new students that they would have to accommodate in the fast-approaching semester. Every professor was now crammed into the room, with two notable exceptions.

The most conspicuous was the headmaster himself. He had stated that he had urgent business at the Wizengamot, as well as having to convince the board members that he was capable of handling all of his current responsibilities simultaneously. The more intriguing absence was that of Professor Snape, whose dinner date had apparently turned into an overnighter. To no one's surprise, speculation had run rampant, and a betting pool had started the second he was overdue.

A flash of green from the floo brought a welcomed respite as everyone stopped to see who was calling.

Amelia's voice rang through. "Minerva, are you there?"

“Yes Amelia, I’m here,” Minerva called out, not leaving her seat. “I fear I am rather busy at the moment; is this personal or professional?”

“Professional, I’m afraid,” Amelia said. “Snape has been kidnapped.”

Minerva put down her quill. “Kidnapped? How could he get kidnapped on a date?”

“Pay up,” Sybil Trelawney demanded to the room in general.

“I told you we need to stop letting her in on the pools,” Goodman grumbled.

“So, who did Severus charm with his unique personality?” Filius asked sarcastically, fishing a pair of fat galleons from his pocket.

“It would seem that Professor Snape’s pony form is a rare breed that is in desperate need of new blood,” Amelia said. “Princess Luna says that they kidnapped him with the intention of having him sire some foals.”

There was silence, then there was laughter, lots of laughter, of which Professor McGonagall would deny partaking.

Somehow, somewhere, Pinkie Pie was pleased.

While Nymphadora's extended separation from her favorite cousin had been a serious matter, she had done her best to pay homage to his mischievous spirit. Throughout her schooling, she had enjoyed pulling the occasional prank. Her talent in shape shifting had provided opportunities that had been too hard to resist. The laughter had died when she had joined the auror corps. Such antics were ill-suited for that calling.

The ghost of humor had been resurrected when she had become an exchange student, no longer representing any authority. Her new friends and colleagues had proven to be far more receptive than what she had encountered in the wizarding world, putting her at the butt end of more than one good-natured joke.

Sometimes, pranks practically prepared themselves. New circumstances screamed for the obvious stunt to be orchestrated. While this would not be a master jest by any stretch of the imagination, it would be good for a few laughs. Besides, a little payback was in order.

As she trotted down the streets of Canterlot, she could feel the weight of the stares from passersby. She sighed. By now, the sight of her rainbow-swirled coat and the owl perched on her back should have been familiar to everyone in that district.

Before long, she spotted her objective. “Gordon!” She raised a foreleg and waved for attention. “Wotcher!”

“Tonks.” The griffin changed direction to land in front of the mare. “I thought you went home for the break.”

“I have,” Tonks said. “I was just thinking of you and decided to put in an appearance.”

Gordon tilted his head like an inquisitive owl. “Really?”

“Yup; heading to lunch, are you?”

“Yes,” Gordon said slowly. “I’d invite you along, but you don’t eat much.”

“I’ve found out why that is,” Tonks said.

“Oh?” Gordon asked. “Something other than being a pony trying to choke down meat?”

“Yup.” Tonks said. “Anyway, I want to treat you to this great place I found.”

“Are you asking me on a date?” Gordon asked. “You know griffins don’t do herds.”

“Nah, strictly friends out for a meal,” Tonks replied.

“What’s the catch?” Gordon demanded.

“No catch,” Tonks said. “Can’t a girl show off her griffin friend every now and then?”

“I feel like I should be offended,” Gordon grumped.

“Free food. What sort of griffin could pass that up?”

“I’m in.”

“Just reach up and open the pouch on my owl,” Tonks said.

“Okay,” Gordon said. “What’s the big deal with the bird anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.”

Nymphadora savored the reactions of the surrounding ponies witnessing a bag devour a griffin before she addressed the bird. “After I get in, take us to my father.”

A human, a pegasus, and an earth pony walked down the streets of Ponyville. The earth pony looked over at the pegasus and frowned as she noted her awkward gait. "You know, Dashie," she said, "I thought you'd be too sore to walk after all that. You really should just hover along."

“It’s not safe in the air right now, Pinkie,” Rainbow grumbled.

“At least no lasting damage was done,” Sirius said.

“Tell that to the nurses,” Pinkie said. “Somehow, I don't think you should have told Silver Spoon to clean her broom with alcohol."”

“For the record,” Sirius said, “I honestly did not know brooms could get drunk like that.”

“They needed a new waiting room anyway,” Pinkie said. “And Silver is good for it.”

“At least, as far as Tuesdays go, today has been tame,” Rainbow said.

Suddenly, a vanilla-colored mare ran past them wailing at the top of her lungs. “It had cupcakes!!!!!!!”

Pinkie glared at Rainbow. “You’ve been taking lessons from Twilight,” she said accusingly.

This stank. The air was a muddy brown as chimneys, smokestacks, and the rear ends of the noisy metal boxes that prowled the streets all added to the miasma. This was not what Gordon had in mind when he accepted the lunch invitation.

His companion was a rare, pink-maned example of one of the strange, hornless minotaurs that occupied the streets. As he padded behind her, he asked, "We aren't in Equestria anymore, are we?"

Tonks replied, "What was your first clue?"

"Unbelievable sights, unimaginable creatures. What is this place?"

The familiar tingle of magic began to form. "A whole new world . . ."

Gordon clamped a claw over his companion's mouth. "I can't handle that on an empty stomach." His eyes narrowed. "Why did your father ask how much I wanted for a dowry? I told you that griffons don't do herds."

Tonks pried the claw away from her mouth. "He was just teasing."

The two walked in silence for a moment. Suddenly, Gordon stopped.

“Tonks? When were you going to tell me that your name was Nymphadora?”

“Use that name again and I’m yanking out your tail feathers one by one,” Tonks snarled.

“I’m a griffin; I don’t have tail feathers.” Gordon gently batted her nose with the tuft of his tail.

“I’ll just have to transfigure you into something that does,” Tonks said evilly.

“You can do that?”

“Do you want to find out?”

“Next question. Why don’t you have a griffin form? You sure act like one at times,” Gordon asked, unfazed.

“Dunno.” Tonks shrugged. “Just never decided to try.”

The sound of metal striking metal filled the air, followed closely by the unending blaring of a horn.

“Are you sure those things are safe?” Gordon asked, rearing up slightly to look at the two conjoined go carts. “That’s the third time that’s happened so far.”

“The roads are slippery today,” Tonks commented. “That’s why we are sticking to the sidewalk.”

“Just so we’re clear, you’re never getting me in one of those.”

“Now I definitely need to introduce you to the Knight Bus.” Tonks chuckled.

“I don’t like the sound of that laugh.” Gordon narrowed his eyes slightly. “And you’ve been giggling the entire time we’ve been walking.”

“We’re here.” Nymphadora said, opening a glass door.

“Welcome back, dearie.” An elderly human waitress greeted them. “I see you haven’t brought your little one with you this time.”

“He went to visit his girlfriends today.” Tonks said, removing her gloves from her talons. “Staying out of trouble as far as I know.”

Draco peeked his head out and watched with horror. The scene was straight out of a nightmare. Body parts were strewn about haphazardly. Streaks and spatters traced their trajectories. It was hard to tell what was worse, the tentacled horde, or the two who fought them tooth and hoof.

If he hadn't known better, Draco would have sworn that the two ponies below were twins. However, he realized that Ronald Weasley could not have been born a pony, and that Apple Bloom was no Weasley. The two shared the same technique. The stood on their hind legs, side-by-side, nose to tail, grabbing at the cake monsters as they came. A quick bite and a swallow were enough to dispatch one. Draco could swear he had never before witnessed a more atrocious lack of table manners.

Draco winced as an occasional monster slipped past the defenses. A few of the cakes backed away, seemingly scanning their surroundings. Hastily, Draco drew his head back in. Looking at the two other colts sharing his hiding space, he said, “It’s official; I am now terrified of cake.”

“Shhhh!” Snips hissed. “They'll hear you!”

In the cafe, the waitress turned her attention to the griffon. “And who do we have here?”

“My name is Gordon.”

“Ah, from Equestria are we then?”

“I’m from Griffonstone actually,” Gordon corrected.

“Griffonston? Welcome to London.” The waitress studied him critically. “I don’t think you’d be comfortable in a chair; would you like a booth?”

“I can manage chairs just fine,” Gordon said. “But yes, I would prefer a booth.”

“You don’t seem surprised to meet a griffon,” Tonks said with a hint of disappointment.

The waitress tutted. “After meeting a changeling and an earth pony? I don’t see any need to make a fuss.”

“A changeling?” Gordon’s eyebrows rose in alarm. “Those are real?”

“You’re standing next to one,” the waitress replied.

Gordon looked at Tonks. “That actually explains a lot.”

“So, do you two want a private corner?”

“We’re just here as friends,” Tonks insisted.

“If you say so, dearie.” The waitress motioned for them to follow her. “Private corner it is, then. Asparagus is out of season, but I can get you some nice, fresh oysters.”

Gordon raised an eyebrow as Tonks followed with an air of resignation.

“Okay,” Sirius said, pointing his wand at what appeared to be a deranged vanilla bean with menacing fibrous tentacles protruding from it. “As far as I can tell, this is the source.”

“So? No more cake monsters?” somepony from the crowd asked.

“Not if we contain it,” Sirius said, levitating it into a conjured jar.

“Where did it come from?” somepony else asked.

“Sweetie Belle must have found it and decided to add it to her cooking,” Pinkie said.

“Why would anypony do that?” asked Sound Rebar.

“This is Sweetie Belle we are talking about,” answered Cherry Berry.

“But you’re supposed to use the insides of pods, not the whole thing,” protested Current Report.

“Again,” Cherry Berry said. “Sweetie Belle.”

“I, for one, feel better knowing she can’t spontaneously create cake monsters,” said Frost Wing.

“Does that mean you’ll let her in your kitchen now?” asked Azure Kiss.

“Right after you let her in yours,” Frost Wing returned.

“So, never then,” Cherry Berry stated. “Spread out and look for more of these things; we don’t want any more cupcakes if we can help it.”

Apple Bloom said, "That gooey white filling was delicious, though."

Ron added, "You sure we can't let a few dozen more through? Lunch won't be for another hour and I’ve got some room left.”

Apple Bloom nodded enthusiastically. “An’ the little ones are no wars as scary as the big one was.”

“A cuppa to go with would be heaven.” Ron opined.

Sirius looked at Rainbow Dash. “So, are things always so exciting around here?”

“Not exciting.” Rainbow shrugged. “Just another Tuesday.”

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