Everypony In Equestria Changes Their Name

by deadpansnarker

What's In A Name?!

Once upon a time there was a pony called Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie worked in a sugary bakery in the middle of a lovely town called Ponyville that, funnily enough, was full of ponies. Apart from the occasional root canal for Pinkie Pie, Everypony there was nice and good, and good and nice.

One day though, Pinkie Pie woke up one morning not-so-good. Or nice, now that you mention it. After feeding her baby alligator Gummy soup from a bowl (remember children: alligators don't make good pets) she quickly rushed down to her friend Princess Twilight Sparkle's castle in the middle of town to tell her her worries. Looking both ways to cross the street first, of course.

Princess Twilight Sparkle was not just any old stuffy princess, oh no! She just so happened to be the Princess Of Friendship, so if anyone could solve Pinkie Pie's problem, it would be her. She wouldn't even charge this time! After sitting down with a hot cup of coffee made by Princess Twilight Sparkle's dragon slave Spike, Pinkie Pie went on to explain her problem, and it was not the typical sort to be heard in Ponyville. For starters, it had substance.

"I'm fed up of my name!" She said, in a sad voice, with her mane drooped all around her like an old scarf. "I have no pinkies, because I'm a pony, and I don't make pies... I make muffins! And, sometimes cake if I want to be fat and depressed. Help me Princess Twilight Sparkle, you're my only hope!"

Now, Princess Twilight Sparkle had a little secret of her own. Want to know what that was, boys and girls? Well, you'll find out in the next paragraph. In the meantime, go and brush your teeth, tell your parents you love them, clear up all that mess you've laying around your rooms... don't lie to me! I KNOW your room is in a state. Don't make Mr Narrator come over there, you wouldn't like him when he's angry!

Anyway, Princess Twilight Sparkle's hidden problem was that she was equally sick of her name too, but she'd never found the courage to tell anyone, until now the bandwagon was rollin' rollin' rollin'. For starters, it was too long... it was annoying having to write it down in the register every time she volunteered to help out the homeless. You should too, kids. Also, she had been born at Midnight, not 'Twilight', and to the best of her knowledge, had never 'Sparkled' even once in her entire life. What did her parents think she was... a washing powder?!

It was as that very second she came up with a most glorious idea. A stupendous, momentous idea. A fantastic, orgasmic idea. Ask your parents if you have any trouble with these big words, children. Except, for maybe that last one. She'd simply change it. After all, what was stopping her? She was the Princess, she could do whatever she wanted to. Even, raise taxes for the under-privileged to give to the over-privileged. Also, like all royalty, she was practically perfect in every single way. It must be true, the tabloids say so.

So, she became Gertrude. Just like that. Then, after explaining the situation to the Pony Formerly Known As Pinkie Pie, her friend was suddenly known as Bill McMann. Not, strictly speaking, a girl's name... but gender neutrality is nothing to be ashamed of in the modern world, young ones. Love and tolerate, after all.

Now, it was time to make the big announcement to the entire town. With her friend Bill McMann and dragon slave Spiky in tow (after much careful thought, that was his startlingly original new name) she stood atop of her big castle to announce to everypony the updated rules. A loud cheer soon rang out among the locals and there was much rejoicing, as this was a matter that'd been concerning them for quite some time. Much more important than that casual epidemic of equine plague that was sweeping the nation!

The local bumpkin changed from Applejack to Jacqueline, because it was all fancy, like. Also, she saw enough fruit in her day-to-day job as a common labourer, she didn't need to be reminded of her embarrassing menial background every time someone called her by her old name. Shucks!

Next up was the fashion designer Rarity who, fed up of having a reputation of being a bit of a snooty-pants, decided on something a little more ordinary and everyday. So, Ophelia Emmelina Fragrance it was, then. It went nicely with her cat's name, Opalescence The Third. Truly, a down-to-earth mare.

Wonderbolt Rainbow Dash's name might have reflected her many-hued mane and her super-speed (never go too fast on your bikes, kids) but she'd always thought it sounded a bit too... girly. Then, just like that, Captain Awesome was born! Saving the world, one cloud at a time! Woo Hoo! A small price to pay, for any future droughts and crop failures.

Lastly, but definitely not leastly (remember, we're ALL special in our own little way) we have the chronic animal hoarder Fluttershy, who liked to flutter and was very shy, but felt her given name was a little too on-the-muzzle. After consulting a thesaurus, Humble Hoverer was here to stay! Along with a new nickname, H.H. She'd always wanted one that didn't have 'cry' in it. Bless her cotton socks (don't put socks on your ponies, children. Or, they might eat them and die. They're pretty expensive to replace, too... the socks AND the ponies).

The trend soon swept over the nation faster than a deadly Smooze wave, as Mr and Mrs Cake quite pointlessly became 'Bake', Trixie was now 'The Most Marvelous Magician Mostly Much More Magnificent Than That Phony Gertrude' and Steven Magnet changed his surname to 'Universe'... and promptly left the network. Reports suggested he preferred the Crystal Gems to the Crystal Empire. Ah, well.

It was all going so well. The populace was happily bursting into song every few seconds rather than minutes, Gertrude was up two... count them... TWO points in the overall opinion polls and even Spiky seemed to be smiling as he was simultaneously whipped and yelled at for doing a half-assed job. Whoops, don't use that kind of language in front of your elders, darlings. Because I'll deny I said it... then won't you look stupid?

Then, one day... the nameless cigar-chomping stallion with the leather briefcase and top hat arrived. And, things were never quite the same again.

During his flying visit (he was a pegasus, you see), he basically explained that he was in charge of marketing the heck of this podunk little town, and that he owned all the subsidiary rights, too.

Therefore, he had the final say on any name changes... and alas, Gertrude, Bill McMann and Ophelia Emmelina Fragrance were nowhere near as good at raking in the big bucks as Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie and Rarity. In other words, it was a no-go, dudes.

Captain Awesome could keep her new one though, because apparently it appealed to the niche under-nine male demographic. Plus, there was the added bonus that it was a frickin' cool name. CAPTAIN AWESOME... AAWWAAYY!

As for the rest, they were binned there and then. Sorry, and all that. With that outrageous abuse of power, the male pony with a giant $ as a cutie mark and letters H.Bro engraved on his case whistled a happy tune as he faded into the shimmering sunset, to the location of another of his key franchises.

For it was time... to add in another cute high-school love interest to replace the worn-out cliche of strong female solidarity. Remember kids, executive meddling is for our own good.

Oh, and eat up all your greens. Ciao!

Author's Note:

Something very silly, from a very silly author.

...Oops, have I said that already? Darn my terrible short term memory. Just call me Dory. ...Actually don't, because I don't want to be sued.

Comments

[batran]

1337 words

[deadpansnarker]

8081740 Yes. There are shorter stories on this site, you know. Even in the side column itself, right now.

[batran]

8081744

No, I meant it had 1337 words. Yknow "Leet"?

[deadpansnarker]

8081752 Well, thanks to the wonders of Wikipedia, I do now. Spooky...

[batran]

8081754 kids these days lol jk

[Cadiefly]

8081754

I hadn't even caught that when I first looked at it.

[deadpansnarker]

8081756 This kid has added something now, to prevent any future confusion. HURRAY!

[Cadiefly]

I KNOW your room is in a state. Don't make Mr Narrator come over there, you wouldn't like him when he's angry!

Maybe I ought to finally publish the 4th wall breaking chapter of my story...I've been holding onto it.. for some reason that is beyond me.

Steven Magnet changed his surname to 'Universe'... and promptly left the network.

Holy moly! I didn't expect that one!

CAPTAIN AWESOME... AAWWAAYY!

A new superhero was born on that day.

Remember kids, executive meddling is for our own good.

Doubtful.

[Darkus Relling]

...My mind is meddled with many meaninged maniacal manglings that may mimic mesmerizing managings.

...In other words, what the felt just happened?

[deadpansnarker]

8082053 Almost Dr Seuss worthy!!
... Never trust doctors.

[Gamer_Luna]

XD this was beautiful!

[IndigoMoon]

I read this entire story in a British accent from the point where Mr. Narrator chastised us about our rooms being a mess, which is a bit funny for me as I just finished cleaning mine a day ago .

[Pony_Person_123]

What did i just read?

[RT Garbage Esq]

orgasmic

How does this have an E rating??
Love the narrator too, by the way,

[Electrix]

Trixie was now 'The Most Marvelous Magician Mostly Much More Magnificent Than That Phony Gertrude'

I had to read that about 13 times. No joke.

Steven Magnet changed his surname to 'Universe'... and promptly left the network. Reports suggested he preferred the Crystal Gems to the Crystal Empire. Ah, well.

I love Steven Universe

clear up all that mess you've laying around your rooms... don't lie to me! I KNOW your room is in a state. Don't make Mr Narrator come over there, you wouldn't like him when he's angry!

How did you know?!

Wonderbolt Rainbow Dash's name might have reflected her many-hued mane and her super-speed (never go too fast on your bikes, kids) but she'd always thought it sounded a bit too... girly. Then, just like that, Captain Awesome was born! Saving the world, one cloud at a time! Woo Hoo! A small price to pay, for any future droughts and crop failures.

I personally would've named her a walking talking pride flag, whether she liked it or not

Ophelia Emmelina Fragrance it was, then.

Isn't that a perfume?

but gender neutrality is nothing to be ashamed of in the modern world, young ones. Love and tolerate, after all.

Yes

Also, she had been born at Midnight, not 'Twilight', and to the best of her knowledge, had never 'Sparkled' even once in her entire life. What did her parents think she was... a washing powder?!

Er, Actually...

Oh, and eat up all your greens. Ciao!

No