Takbir
"Allahu akbar!" Scootaloo shouted at the top of her lungs. This drew the other two CMC's, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Bell, into the clubhouse. Somewhere, something exploded randomly.
"Hey, Scoots, what's up?" asked Sweetie concernedly. Apple Bloom nodded in agreement.
"Salam walleykum," greeted Scootaloo. "I just found the most amazing book called the Core-Ann." She gestured with her hoof to where a book lay on the floorboards.
"Oh, neat, what's it about?"
Scootaloo lifted up one hand and put on an accent, a keffiyeh and ekal spontaneously appearing on her head. "That there is no god but Allah, subhannah wa tallah! And that his prophet is Mohammed, sallā llāhu ʿalay-hi wa-sallam. It even has appendicies with history lessons, about places named Mecca, Madina, Yathrib, Arabia, Khyber, Israel, Egypt, whatever those are. And it mentions people like Isa, Harun, Salman, Ali, Omar, Khadija, Abu Jahl, and more."
:What does that even mean?
Scootaloo drew a saif sword from nowhere, declaring, "It means we must wake war upon the kufar, fisabillah! That is if you're Muslims. You are Muslims, right?"
A bit afraid, Apple Bloom spoke up. "Sure, we're Muslims."
"Awesome. Take these," Scootaloo instructed, growing a beard and revealing three AK-47's.
Apple Bloom asked, "What are these?"
"Jihad sticks," said Scootaloo picking one up. When I pull this thing, it makes a boom and a hole appears in something. See, it's got a little hole at the end. She showed them the muzzle, keeping a hoof on the trigger, because she is a clueless halfwit who knows jack all about firearms like a real horse. "So, who wants to go spread some salam?"
"Um, Scootaloo, how about we learn about the Muslim thing first?"
"OOH!" Sweetie squeaked, "And I'll go make turbans from Rarity's fabric stores!"
The three brought their hooves together. "Cutie Mark Crusaders Jihadis, go!"
They reconvened the next day at the crack of dawn, too eager to wait. As promised, Sweetie Bell had returned with three turbans: one white, one black, and one green. As they met, a haunting cry came from the town. "Allaaaaaaaaaaahu akbaaaaaaaar! Allaaaaaaahu akbaaaaaar! Alllaaaaaaahuuu akbaaaar! Allaaahu akbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrr! Ashhhhhaaaaaaaaaduuuu la iiiiilllllllllllaaaaaaaahh Ashaaaduuuu la illlaaaaah haaaa iiiiiil Alllaaaaaaah. Mohaaaammmmmmmmeeeeed wa rassuuuuul illllaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh. Haaaaayyaaaas saaalaaaat. Haayyyyaaaaaass salat. Hayyyyah alllaaaaaaalll-falah. Hayyaaaaaaaah aaaalllllllaaaaaaaaahhh-fffaaaalaaaaah. Aaaas-saaaalaaaaaatuuuu khayrun miiiiiiiinnnnaaaaan-nnaaaaawwwwwwwmmm. Aasssssssssss ssaallllllaaaaaty khaaaaayyyrunnnnnn mmmmmiiiinaaaaaaaan naaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwm. Alllllaaaaaaahuuuu akbar! Alllaaaaaaahuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu akbaaaar! Laaa illaaaah ha iiiiiiiill alllaaaaaah!"
"What was that?" Scootaloo asked.
"No idea," replied Apple Bloom, tying on her green turban. "Whatever it was, it sure was pretty."
"So, are we ready to earn our jihad cutie marks?" the orange one asked.
"Sure!" her compatriot mufsideen declared in unison as they readied for their muharibah.
Scootaloo raised her Kalashnikov and Quran high. "Allahu akbar! Quran 16:91!" Something else exploded.
"16:91!" Apple Bloom and Scootaloo recited, waiving their assault rifles high in imitation of her.
"7:57!"
"7:57!"
"2:208!"
"2:208!"
"2:256!"
"2:256!
"110:3!"
"110:3!"
"77:45!"
"77:45!"
Then Scootaloo yelled, "2:190, 5:87, 8:61, 17;33, 16:125, and Allah akbar!" KABOOM!
"Allahu akbar!" BOOOOOMM!!! The other two Jihadis cheered, beards spontaneously appearing on them as explosions rocked the clubhouse.
"Bismilllah, al Rahman, al Rahim!" And with that, Scootaloo led the charge to go collect their ithm. Because they had not understood a single thing they'd just said at all whatsoever in the least.
The trio made their way down to a street corner. There, Scootaloo stood on the corner holding a sign that said, "Ask me about Islam." Sure enough, before long, they had their first taker. Rainbow Dash landed in a puff of dust in front of them.
"Hey, Squirt," Rainbow said amicably. "Why are you dressed like that, and how'd you grow a beard?"
"Salam, I'm Muslim," Scootaloo answered brightly.
Rainbow Dash pawed a hoof at the ground inquisitively. The colorfully maned pegasus mare had a brief look of faint understanding on her face before she opened her mouth to ask, "What's that?"
"You don't know what Islam is?" Scootaloo grew somehow grave and enthusiastic at the same time.
Rainbow Dash laughed, "I know about Islam, Squirt. I just don't know how you know."
"Oh, that's easy," Scootaloo smiled, resembling her cute self again instead of a scowly, orange coconut with a dead cat glued to its face. "This pony named ISIS gave us this book called a Core-Ann, and it had all these things inside it that told us all about Islam. And now we're asking ponies if they want to convert to give them a chance before we have to kill all the kafirs."
Rainbow Dash sighed. "No, Squirt, you can't just killed ponies for not being Muslim."
"Well why not?"
"Because they aren't cattle. You see, you're supposed to kill calf ears."
Wide-eyed realization swept over all the CMJ's. "Oooohhhhhh..."
With that, Scootaloo dropped the sign and turned to her friends. "C'mon, girls, let's go kill some calf ears!"
"Yeah!" the other two clamored.
"Cutie Mark Jihadis, go! Allahu akbar!" Suddenly, Twilight's library exploded for no reason.
It took a while, but they all made it to Sweet Apple Acres where Applejack kept the cattle. "HI, girls," one of the cows said.
"Salam walleykum," chirped back the Cutie Mark Jihadis.
The cow's eyes lit up. "Walleykum salam! I didn't know you girls were Muslims!"
"Yup, we sure are," said Apple Bloom.
"What are you doing today?" the cow asked pleasantly as she chewed on some cud.
"Nuthin'," said Apple Bloom, with a saif spontaneously appearing in her hooves. "Just gonna kill you is all."
"WHAT!?"
"Because ya'll'r calf ears."
Horror showed in the bovine's face. "What!? We aren't kafirs! We're all Muslims. Ashadu la illah ha il allah, wa Ali waliyun illah."
Sweetie Belle sighed, "That's what a calf ear would say."
"Uh-huh," agreed the other two.
Scootaloo stepped forward into the enclosure. "Allahu akbar!" she declared, raising her sword high.
"Audhubillah!" the cows answered, shying away but trapped in their pen. And thus they declared after every sword stroke, as they were slain one by one, their hot blood coating their murderers, who, in turn, declared every kill in the name of Allah, the Merciful, the Compassionate. And so they murdered the whole lot of shahids until the blood spilled out from the pen and soaked into the ground, staining their sin into the soil.
Just as they had sheathed their swords, declaring "Subhanallah! Alhamduillah! Cutie Mark Jihadis Mujahedeen!", Rainbow Dash arrived in a pant.
"Rainbow Dash!" Scootaloo lit up, "We killed all the calf ears!"
"Shit," cursed the pegasus. "I was about to tell you that you can't just kill because you feel like it." With that, she displayed a Quran and read aloud, "Whoever takes one innocent life, it is as if he has murdered the whole world. And if he saves a life, it is as if he has saved the whole world."
Scootaloo glanced at the page, glanced at the slaughtered cows, and then glanced back at the book. She touched it with her hoof, smudging blood on it. She looked down. Under her breath, she muttered, "Allahu akbar."
They all exploded.
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I'm gonna die a horrible death because of this mind rape.
Good story tho?
This is simply amazing. I especially love the way you quoted the Quran (or Koran, because phonetic translation demands two spellings). I knew this fic was a comedy going in, but I think there needs to be another tag for "double-comedy", it was comedy, but then on another level it was even more comedic.
Correct me if I am wrong but the 'things' that are being mocked in this story are ISIS and (from what I have seen and been told) their perversion of what is a peaceful and understanding religion. In truth this story, its concept, and its execution has piqued my curiosity.
Hahahahahahahahaha this is great.
But I'm disappointed you didn't put in any Saleel Sawarim references.
I like how you made the cows Shia.
8067309
I suppose it'd be more accurate to call them a Sunni fundamentalist organization. Fundamentalism and perversion are, of course, different things. A Jainist or Taoist who goes on a homicidal rampage is clearly perverting his faith—or in the former case outright contradicting it. The same can't be said (with certainty) for members of ISIS. Also, it's easy for a moderate Muslim to mock ISIS when living in a secular society. It's considerably harder for a moderate Muslim to mock moderate Islam.
haha, this is to mock how Muslims take Islam literally and idiotically in the east, most even don't know what are written in the quran and the ones that do, they take it literally, here in the west there is a modern interpretation of islam, like in my country, you would not recognize much of the islam here from Saudi Arabia or Indonesia, that's why we don't have any problems with muslims in Perú (very good people), in Europe or EEUU is a different story, there are good groups of muslims with a west interpretation of islam in North America, but there are also extremist and literalist-traditionalist of islam that don't want to integrate (actual common people that hate being there and ask for sharia law), so its an actual problem there and Europe.
If you can't mock yourself who can you mock?
this name is making me die of laughter
I'm a Malaysian Muslim who follows the book of As-Syafie and I find this story severely endangered.
8067420 Do I ever meet you before?
8191957
I do not understand you .
8191982 That's what people always say. No one understand me.
8191982 I believe he's saying he belongs to the Shafist school of Sunni jurisprudence.
8192446
I understood that, I just have no idea what he means by this story is highly endangered. It isn't the Bowhead Whale.
buena historia :D ahora se un poco mas del islam
shit, I think my eyebrows jumped clean off my face when I read the title.
This story needs some Serbians.
8067309
"Peaceful religion" is very nearly an oxymoron; while Muslims are, on the whole, Generally Not Terrible™, the religion itself is full of terrible bullshit that if rigidly adhered to would be bad.
Christianity and Judaism are the same, due to Leviticus- while most Christians these days don't usually go around stoning people, their religion says they should.
I can't believe I haven't thought of this before: the religion is called "Isllama", right?
9442437
You! Get a cookie.
9442457
Yay \ô/
8192624
What's the Bowhead Whale?
Thumbs up and favorite for including explanations of the items and passages, and translations for the phrases.
Absurdist dark comedy AND education!
This pleases Twilight!
Peace be with you.
based?
Why does this gem had so many dislikes?
8192189
I liked your comment for all the wrong reasons
considered becoming a comedian, no?
9382608
Based, but on the wrong site.