• Member Since 2nd Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen May 25th

Tsunogami


T

A short and cute story of a morning's adventure of a young mare and her diaper. Not really meant as clop material, I wanted to do something a little less...extreme for this one. The story is in fact, at least in terms of general environment and emotional content, based loosely (obviously) on my own experiences as a young teen adventuring around in the hills and forests of southern Indiana.

This story is actually a heavily re-worked and expanded section of another old story of mine that originally had no diaper content at all. Well, I like it better this way.

Despite no sexual contact or description of sexual acts there is a wet and messy diaper involved.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 7 )

another great story i love it :>

Not bad.

Though in my opinion, the diaper content seems kind of shoehorned in there.

7647411 I understand what you mean, but in the case of this story the diaper content should be seen as secondary to the general sense of adventure. I wouldn't call this a "diaper story" so much as a story that just happens to have a diaper in it. If I had wanted to do otherwise the diaper content could have been incorporated into the narrative much more directly. Having only a few mentions of the character's diaper here and there was my objective.

7647411

I gotta agree. It was a little shoehorned and felt out of place. Really it felt like it was too readily introduced like we were reading the second chapter without the first. But otherwise still enjoyable.

So, to start, the mechanics are quite solid and besides a few more obscure mistakes you had most of the hard rules down pat. For reference, the possesive form of 'who' is 'whose', while 'who's' is a contraction of 'who is'. There were a few others, but that's the one I still remember.

Stylistically, you're evocative in your descriptions, utilize a wide vocabulary, and keep sentence structure varied so things don't become monotonous. At some points it felt like you dragged a little, most notably with backstory of Pine's family (which was well-implemented but not especially interesting or concise), but that's more of a nitpick than anything.

However, and pardon me for sounding like a broken record, the diaper content was completely tangential and only served as a distraction to the exploration and discovery elements (which lacked the nuance that had preceded it, feeling rushed and underwhelming). Not enough detail on why Pine enjoyed diapers or her history with them was given to make the reader care, and its regular interruption of the actual plot were speedbumps in the pacing and suspension of disbelief. It's a bit of a shame, really, because I like your writing and I like diapers, but in this case they were at odds with each other.

All that said, I understand that this was probably some wish-fulfillment work, which isn't inherently bad in and of itself. If you enjoyed writing and reading it too yourself, then your story has succeeded, both as a demonstration of skill and one of self-gratification, which are the only two qualifiers that really need to be met.

Overall, I'm very interested in seeing more of your writing, hopefully with a tighter focus or more justification given to disparate elements. I give this story a strong 7/10.

May your ink never dry, and your quill forever be sharp.

7653964 Thank you for taking the time to write such detailed commentary on this story. I admit to finding it a little ironic that you should do so on this, a "throw-away" story, by my standards, when I have much longer, and in my opinion better, ones that have never received such a detailed response. But still, much appreciated. As for how the diaper content does not quite seem to fit, thats because this story was originally a single chapter in an earlier project that never went anywhere and had nothing to do with diapers what so ever. It was just sitting around in my writing projects folder not paying its rent so to speak. So I decided that about 1000 words worth of renovations would beat it into good enough shape to make a publishable stand alone short story out of it. I never promised myself or anyone else that it would be particulrly good. I think I was a bit desperate to publish something after not putting out anything new in over a month. My other ongoing projects, of which there are three, currently take me so long to update that my readers start to think I've stopped writing altogether in the mean time.

Also seeing you mention how the two themes of the story seem at odds with each other is interesting because that is part of why my very first story on this site never worked out as well as I hoped, because I tried too hard to integrated diapers and a science fiction mystery story. Also those two different subjects require two very different mindsets to write shall we say.

Anyway, again, thanks for the review, They are very helpful for me to read. Also I have very little in the way of formal training in the literary writing style. What I do know, I've just picked up by reading a few hundred novels over my life. So, I fully recognize my severe limitations.

It was a good read I hope to see more of your work soon.

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