Doing his best to remain absolutely silent, even in his clattering suit of legacy Canterlot barding, Prince Shining Armor of the Crystal Empire slipped into the Royal Bedroom and eased the door shut behind him. It'd been a terribly long day of training. While the Crystal Guard were an admirably zealous lot, the fact remained that they were still missing a thousand years of military tactics and theory, and Shining Armor's accelerated classes were proving to be of mixed effectiveness. Case in point: their idea of a proper throwing-dessert was something called "white-pot" which Shiny had never once heard of, and they acted utterly confused when presented with a proper modern cupcake battery.
"What are we supposed to do with this?" they would say, looking to him with befuddled eyes. "Eat it?"
"No!" Shining Armor would respond. "Or rather, yes, but not in this specific situation!"
It was long, exhausting work—mentally more than physically—and by the end of a long training day, the prince wanted nothing more than to say good-night to his beautiful sleeping daughter and then slip into bed with his beautiful sleeping wife and join the two of them in the Dreamlands.
Despite his best efforts at silence, though, he heard the princess regnant stir in her sleep as he approached the bed. In the dim light, he could barely make out the bump she made in the bed's sumptuous comforter.
Rats, he thought. So much for not waking her. And then, a moment later, Well, at least there's a bit of a silver lining to it. What with the new foal, the couple's occasions for intimacy had been comparatively few and far between, and Shining Armor had really been craving some quiet bonding.
"Mm?" came Cadance's voice from beneath the comforter, throaty with sleep.
"Hey, hon," said Shining, slipping deftly into the bed. "Miss me today?"
"Mm hm."
Shining Armor smiled. "I missed you, too," he said. "And right now, I'm going to show you just how much."
Slowly, tenderly, the young prince reached out with one hoof and rested it against his wife's withers, then leaned down and placed his lips gently against her muzzle, pressing their mouths together in an intimate, passionate kiss. Cadance's scent filled his nostrils, the smell of roses and fresh citrus and...
...cake?
...angel-food trifle with vanilla pudding and strawberries?
Shiny frowned, pulling back from the kiss. Sure, ponies of all sorts loved a good trifle from time to time, but the smell of that specific dish opened a floodgate of memories from his Canterlot years, back when he was Captain Shining Armor of the Royal Guard rather than Prince Shining Armor of the Crystal Empire. The smell of strawberry angel-food trifle was entangled with, absolutely inextricable from, one very particular pony...
With wide eyes and trembling hoof, Shining Armor touched the switch on the bedside lamp. The pony beneath the comforter looked up at him with a sultry, half-lidded gaze.
"Hello, my faithful Captain," said Princess Celestia.
* * *
Shining Armor awoke, screaming.
* * *
When you are prince of a realm, and you wake from a sound sleep into a screaming fit, there is no shortage of ponies who will come running to your aid. Thankfully, he'd been alone in bed; Cadance, ever the early riser, had likely been awake for several hours now tending to little Flurry Heart and fixing herself breakfast. Yes, they had staff who could handle both these things, but Cadance was on some sort of probiotic cleansing diet lately that the turnip-and-berry-themed royal chefs had simply not yet wrapped their brains around, and she absolutely would not hear of the idea of using a wet nurse.
So it was that Shining Armor dismissed the legion of sparkling crystal servants who came running to his cry of distress, and then spent the next five minutes pacing up and down the length of the castle's sumptuous master bedroom trying to shake the anxious jimmies out of his limbs. Cadance's Aunty Celestia was popularly regarded as the ne plus ultra of equine beauty, but her body wasn't the issue; it was her mind, that ancient, dotty, machine-like mind, wheels within wheels within a delicious pastry shell. Shining Armor was one of Equestria's most loyal citizens—or had been, at least, until he had been specifically tapped to help rule a friendly foreign power—but the thought of sharing a bed with its figurehead princess was nonetheless nearly enough to put him off his breakfast.
"Nearly" only counts in horseshoes, of course, and Shining Armor had never met a soft-boiled egg he didn't like. Once the nightmare was banished back to the swevens where it belonged, his hunger got the better of him; and after a quick and perfunctory grooming, he quit the bedroom in favor of Cadance's newly-constructed Royal Breakfast Nook, and all its attendant warm, comforting smells of potatoes, eggs, stewed tomatoes, and...
...angel-food cake?
Shining Armor's eyes went wide. He paused for a moment, frozen in terror, then took the remaining stairs to the kitchen and dining wing at a dead gallop (no mean feat of athleticism given the superabundance of staircases in the Crystal Castle). Nostrils flared with exertion, he burst into the breakfast nook as though it were on fire.
He was not prepared for what he found there.
Crystal Empress Cadance I, Princess of Love, Sovereign Protector of the Crystal Empire, Bringer of the Aurora, Keeper of the Morning-Star, was breakfasting on cake. Specifically, strawberry angel-food trifle. As Shining Armor looked on in horror, his wife took a delicate little sip of tea and then served herself another tremendous pile of gooey dessert using a pair of party-sized salad tongs specifically repurposed for the task.
Shining Armor's jaw worked, soundlessly. After a moment, Cadance looked up. Her pudding-smeared muzzle lit up with a warm smile. "Good morning, dear!" And then, upon studying him closer, "Everything all right?"
Shiny tossed his head and allowed himself a calming nicker. "Fine, honey," he said, trotting over to the breakfast nook's little table. "Just, ah, a little nightmare."
"I'm sorry," she said. After a moment of thought, she nudged the trifle dish in his direction. "Maybe some cake will help?"
"No!" Shining exclaimed, a bit too loudly. And then, more quietly, "Um, that is—no, hon. Not exactly hungry. I just need a little coffee."
Cadance frowned at Shining's uncharacteristic display of breakfast ascetics but then shrugged it off. "Whatever you like, dear. I'm just going over the morning report. Would you care to join me? I've always valued your input and insights."
"Absolutely," he said, pulling up a cushion. "You won't believe this, but I'm actually looking forward to discussing trade agreements."
"No trade agreements today," said Cadance, sipping at her tea. "Today is all about tax policy."
"Taxes?" said Shining, fear beginning to trickle back into his gut. "But—"
"Yes?"
"How exactly to put this." Shining weighed his options for a moment before deciding on "blunt." "Honey, the government of the Crystal Empire is funded entirely by voluntary donations from our grateful populace."
"Well, of course, right now it is," Cadance replied. "But it's such a theoretically uncontrolled and unpredictable cash flow. We need to secure our government for our daughter's rule. I estimate that'll take a thousand years or so, but time does tend to slip away on one, and we can't afford to get complacent."
"I... guess that makes sense." Shining glanced at the pile of incoming paperwork. "What about that envelope on the bottom that's buzzing and glowing?"
"Hm?" said Cadance. "Oh, that. That's a message from Flurry Heart's brand new Royal Crystaller, Sunburst!"
"Looks... important?" Shining hazarded, eying the envelope warily.
"Oh, yes. Sunburst has just learned of an ancient prophecy predicting the return of King Sombra, and he sent me an urgent message informing me as much." Cadance hummed an absent little tune to herself as she continued perusing the proposed tax policy documents.
"Ha," said Shining, nervously. "No, in all seriousness."
Cadance continued her work, still humming. "Sit down and have a few oats, at least," she added, after a time. "After I'm done with the taxes I still have to figure out a way to humorously sabotage the upcoming Snow Day festival in order to 'liven it up,' so I'm going to be a while here." The envelope continued to buzz noisily at the bottom of the inbox.
"Honey, are you actually telling me that the dreaded tyrant who ruled the Empire before us is... coming back?"
"Yep," said Cadance, pulling a fresh pile of paperwork in front of her. "Ooh, earned income credit policies. These'll be great fun."
Shining stood bolt upright. "I'll assemble the Crystal Guard. We've spent moons preparing for just this scenario. Entire moons."
"Relax, dear. The situation is well in hoof."
"Okay." The stallion took a few deep breaths. "Please let me know the plan of action so I can at least coordinate with the Guard."
"The plan is very simple. In a bit, I'm going to write a little note to Sunburst and gently chide him for reading far too many books."
Shining blinked. "Honey, you can't be serious."
"Of course I'm serious! Have you seen how many books he owns?"
"The sum total of our government's response to the rebirth of a conquering tyrant dictator is to scold our magical advisor for being well-read?"
"Oh, Shiny. Don't be ridiculous. Of course that's not all we're doing." She shuffled a few more papers around the breakfast table. "This is just step one. Step two is me telling him to get out more and make some new friends."
Shining could do nothing but stare.
"Actually, dear, I will need some help from the Royal Guard after all. I would like Sunburst and that cute little Flash Sentry to become very good friends, if you catch my drift. Their coats go together so nicely."
Cadance's attempt at a cute little leer hit the iron-hard wall of Shining Armor's abject terror and fell limply to the ground between them. She figuratively looked at it lying there for a moment. "Shiny, whatever is the matter?"
"Cadance," he said, earnestly, "look at yourself. Does this behavior seem a little... familiar to you?"
Cadance's brow furrowed, her violet eyes filled with concern. "Ruling the Empire? Of course, dear. We do it all the time."
"Not that! The tea! The tax policy! 'Livening up' Snow Day!" He gestured futilely with one hoof. "The bizarrely blasé response to world-ending menaces?"
"Shining Armor, what's wrong with you? This is all fairly standard protocol."
"Not standard for you, though!"
"Shiny, please trust me. I am doing my absolute best to rule this Empire in the way I feel is right."
Shining shook his head. "It's just... Cady, something feels wrong. Maybe I'm being weird because of that dream."
"Do you need to lie back down?"
Shining Armor massaged his poll with one hoof. "I... think so, maybe. Yes."
Cadance rose from her cushion, crossed to her husband, and gave him a little peck on the horntip. "Very well. I'll see you later, My Faithful Husband."
Shining recoiled as though struck by electrical shock. He recoiled, retreated five steps, lost his limbs in a tangle beneath him and crashed awkwardly against the wall of the breakfast nook. Cadance's eyes went wide. "Shiny!" she cried. "Are you all right?"
"No," Shining wheezed. He staggered to his hooves. "No, I'm not."
"Shall I send for the Royal Physician? I promise you he's over his leech fixation."
"No!" Shining said again, a bit too quickly. "I just... need a little nap. Maybe this'll all go away after a little nap." He staggered back in the direction of the stairs leading to the Royal Bedchamber, stumbling over an intricately-sculpted crystal statue of one of the native tiny ewes.
Cadance startled. "Shiny!"
"No!" Shining cried out. "No! No need to come help me up!"
"You're probably right," Cadance mused. "Giving you assistance would deprive you of a valuable learning and growing experience, after all."
Shining Armor screamed. Again.
***
Doing his best to remain absolutely silent, even in his clattering suit of legacy Canterlot barding, Prince Shining Armor of the Crystal Empire slipped into the Royal Bedroom and eased the door shut behind him. It'd been a terribly long day of—
Wait.
Doing his best to remain absolutely silent—
A little worm of doubt wriggled its way up Shining's neck, right up the line of his mane. Something was wrong.
"Honey?" he said, uneasily, walking hesitantly toward the lump in the coverlet. "Are you... under there?"
"Of course, my faithful husband," came the atypically husky contralto from beneath the covers.
"Yah!" Shining cried out, leaping backwards as though stung. "Nightmare! Nightm—"
The words had not even finished leaving Shining Armor's lips before there was a frightful noise, like a massive clocktower bell being rocked by a thunderclap.
"Citizen!" came a stentorian voice that shook the walls and rattled the imaginary furniture. "We have heard your cry of distress! You need have no fe—"
Luna, Princess of the Night, stopped short, eyeing Shining Armor blankly. After a moment, the corner of her lip trembled upward, struggling to stay in place.
She emitted a tiny, desperately-controlled snort.
"Your Highness," Shining said, bowing testily.
"Rise, Shining Armor," Luna said. "How may I assist the former Captain of the Royal Guard? Perhaps you need help locating the missing tiny little filly?"
"I'm... sorry, what—"
"The tiny little filly who was screaming her head off a few seconds ago?"
"Very clever, ma'am," said Shining, fuming. "Ha, ha."
"Perhaps there was no tiny filly? Perhaps somepony was in here poking a piglet with a stick?"
"Ma'am, if we could focus—"
"Yes, yes, of course, Shining Armor," said Luna, regaining her mien. "Direct me to the incubus in question."
"Oh, honey...!" came Celestia's voice, from the four-poster bed.
Luna's lip quivered again. Shining could see Luna bringing all her prodigious earth pony strength to bear on the simple task of keeping her composure intact.
Her strength gave out. Luna collapsed to the floor, howling with laughter.
This was fun.
This is funny.
Does this mean Sombra is Cadance's brother?
So I can see what's going to happen already. You wrote this story as a fun little stress reliever and it's going to make the featured box and you're going to question everything because an unpolished little one-shot like this earns greater success than something you labored over for months.
Such is fanfiction.
I am not wholly certain the best way to phrase my thoughts on the story such that it simultaneously relieves feelings of pressure over story quality without causing distress about the quality of other stories, soooooo...
It was good. Darn good even.
Cut off a bit abruptly though.
7541568
Perhaps this depends on how close Sombra was with his childhood friend...
Good job this started happening after the Royal Heir was born, eh Shining?
Funniest thing I've read in a long time! Give me more!!!
No pressure!
There can only be one!
A fun beginning, and I do so love Luna at the end of that, she comes off very well.
Only critique I'd have would be
You show, or give a good indication of a short, clipped, reasonably masculine cry here. Just having something descriptive would help feed the joke about the little filly scream better as the reader can fill it in themselves and then go back and reevaluate if necessary once they see Luna's reaction. That, and I'm surprised he didn't ask Caddy if she was pregnant again since she was eating cake for breakfast (or even question her eating cake for breakfast).
Oh mah gawd! Snerk...
Yep. It's official. Between the midnight feedings and the stresses of motherhood, Cadence is regressing into the only 'safe' pony she knows. After all, Celestia never has any problems that can't be handled between tea and crumpets. She never has to change diapers 37 times in an hour because little Flurry Heart is having a minor reaction to her eating a single parsnip yesterday. Celestia is never caught on that razor-blade of motherhood where you can't tell if the foal is hungry, needs burped, needs changed, needs held, needs put down for a nap, needs picked up and played with for a while, or just NEEDS.
Oh, my memories of my children when they were young. The fond recollection of my wife pressing our child into my chest when I walked through the door after a hard day of work as she said, "Here, I'll be back in a few hours. Hopefully."
7541596 Annnnd... featured!
Here's to a second chapter!
It's a little bit like pannacotta or a baked pudding, in case anyone wonders. Talk about obscure.
Best worst nightmare.
7541596 This happened to MrNumbers a few weeks ago. Well, not that exact thing, but close to it.
7542075 I know the phenomenon based on personal experience. It's frustrating.
Yes do more. Do all the more. Abandon your standards of editing and just churn this beautiful prose out, Skywriter!
7542083
Says a lot of things about the inverse relationship between being an entertaining read and being a high-concept effort piece, doesn't it?
And myself with her.
7542010 I was wondering! Thanks Wlam.
Nicely done! I'm amazed that this was a "just for fun, don't expect too much out of it" story rather than one that was hammered out with all kinds of stress. That just goes to show what a good writer you are Skywriter!
7542286
I'd say that speaks a lot alright to how often "quality writing" means "niche appeal, but otherwise boring."
So in this fanonverse Celestia is officially fat? Ha! I can only sympathize with Shining.
And you call that unproofread and unedited?...
Well this was a cute little short
Cadence and shining are the worst parents in history
This is already hilarious. I can only imagine where you'll take it from here. Also, "wheels within wheels within a delicious pastry shell" is definitely the best phrase I've read this week.
7541923
From observing families with multiple kids, the amount of effort and focus and sacrificed sleep that parents give to the child falls precipitously somewhere around the second and third ones. I expect something similar to take place with Shining and Cadence, to the point that soon they will just check if there's a windigo or something similar trying to abscond with the kid, and if not, will attend to the latest shriek once they get around to it.
It's nightmares all the way down, Shining.
Celestinception has occurred.
7542103 Isn't it the same everywhere? Look at what movies, book and music sell the most and get the most media attention.
Isn't it nec plus ultra?
7542633
Internet says no accent on the e, but whether this is accepted Anglicization or original to the phrase I do not know.
EDIT: Oh wait, that's an underlined 'c.'
EDIT 2: Further research indicates 'Nec' is original to the Latin but 'Ne' is the modern accepted form. I wonder if I should remove the italics? It's a puzzler!
7542653 It only showed up when doing research in english, so I guess it an anglicized form and you could remove the italic.
It still is latin though. So in doubt I'd keep it.
This is why I generally recommend people not wait into their thirties or forties to have children. You need the energy and resilience you possess in your twenties to recover from parenting a baby.
7541923
Or perhaps Celestia's need to live vicariously through her students and family has finally taken on a life of its own.
Now, her magic is corrupting the ponies she most wants to live life through into variations of her to amuse her!
It's her version of the Tantabus! It's the Simsicus!
7541596
I think I speak for many when I say: Yes, damn it. Again.
It's good to know Shining Armor dreams of Celestia along the lines of stupid fanon stereotypes ("prankster Celestia", "tyrant Celesta", etc.)
The concept was interesting, then you had to ruin it with this gimmicky nonsense. I know the story is tagged "comedy" and "random", but if the story is going to be silly from start to finish, then there's no point of reference, and it all becomes dull.
more please. thanks.
7542631
That's certainly true.
7542633
7542653
I believe the phrase is actually a loan from French, in which case the lack of a c would be native.
7543006
This is a bit like how
argumentsdiscussions about pegasi were back in the day. Do we follow the original-original or the language that it was borrowed directly from, regardless of how 'right' or 'wrong' that language may be?7542944
The actual point of this story is to be silly from start to finish. Apparently my attempts to advertise this using the random tag were unsuccessful and you were baited in to thinking you were going to read a thoughtful and intellectual comedy. Maybe I should write in the description "this story is silly from start to finish" for absolute clarity?
7543006
http://pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1449_more_you_know.jpg
7543023
It's a little different in that case because then it's not wrong Latin, but correct French. "Rien ne vas plus" is something you may have heard, maybe. My French never was that great, admittedly, but I still remember that much at least.
Also, that must have been some silly
argumentdiscussion. You don't exactly see many people spell it Pégasos, which is a proper noun and has no plural, so they weren't doing it right to begin with one way or the other.7543026
I'm not saying it has to be "4deep8me" to be funny, but if there's no buildup or contrast whatsoever, then what's the point, other than wasting an interesting concept?
I'll keep track of this to see where it goes, but the first chapter isn't exactly promising.
You used it next to the "comedy" tag. I shouldn't have to tell you that those tags put together are almost always a bad sign.
Funny how you tried to just put something out there and it wound up first in the features
7543036
"Making people laugh."
I certainly can't complain about it in that respect. I had a ball with this.
7543036
I would absolutely love to see an author make a thoughtful and interesting comedy out of this. If that person is you, I welcome you taking the idea to reduce apparent waste!
The author to make a thoughtful and interesting story of this is not, unfortunately, me.
In any case, sorry for disappointing you with what you felt was a clever premise and then giving you the feeling of a rug pull. Random Comedy may be a bad sign, but it's what I always use to get myself out of a writing funk. Perhaps this is a very selfish story in that regard.
In any case, thanks for reading and weighing in.
7543026
I think the Comedy tag can show that just by itself. The Comedy tag covers a broad range of what people consider funny and/or silly, so I think adding the Random tag probably isn't really necessary. For example, when I see the Random tag, I think that the story is going to literally be random, aka all over the place. Just because your story is going to be silly all the way through doesn't mean that you have to have the random tag on it, because random doesn't usually mean silly. I've never used the Random tag, and I likely never will unless I choose to write something random. Your description makes this story sound like it's going to be a good read, but that Random tag worries me.
7543058
Tags are so confusing!
In this case "Random" should be read as "silly, over-the-top farce with somewhat cartoonishly exaggerated takes on the characters," not Scootaloo and Celestia: Adventures in Twilight's Gall Bladder.
7543078 I think that everyone has their own idea of what each tag means, ya know? As for that story you linked... I don't even want to know what inspired that guy to write that haha.