• Member Since 7th Mar, 2016
  • offline last seen January 6th

PanzerBrony Metallicom


A 26 year old german, drumplaying, metalhead Brony (with ADHD), that loves WW2 stuff and good stories. Working as freelance editor and proofreader.

T
Source

Life can be weird sometimes. Fate has plans for us, and we never know those plans.
Same goes for Alex. After some tragic events, he finds himself in a foreign world without any plans for the future. Maybe something can help him out...
And that something is Music.

Story alters between first and thrid person views.



Sex tag is only for sexual themes and references. No clop in this story.
A mature side story is out!!


Cover Art done by the awesome FlutterTrash! Go check out his DeviantArt. Image is used with permission.

Editors:
psp7master (Chapter 6-8)
Rocket Lawn Chair (Chapter 9)

Chapters (9)
Comments ( 39 )

Find out what misteries

misteries

PPPFFFFFFFT.

Nice start. Interesting premise of a human in Equestria. Even though the chapter is short I kinda sympathise with your character

Comment posted by PanzerBrony Metallicom deleted Sep 14th, 2016

7564259
Well, wait til friday! :D It will be so much differnt then you expect. :P
But still thank you for your opinion! :twilightsmile:

Again, I really liked the chapter, and I am glad you fixed the dialogue! It looks so much better! ^^

7568962
Thank you very much for your kind words again. :)

7766287

Next chapter has been sent to my editors. Will publish it when its done.

May I ask what you like about that story? :)

can you please make these longer

8094547
First of all, thank you for adding this story to your favorites!! :pinkiehappy:

Secondly: I don't really know. I just write what comes to mind. That is why the chapter are so different lengthwise. I'm sorry if that is a problem for you. :fluttershysad:

8095026 no prob


it is just I hate chapters that are under 1k works cuase it feels like the pacing is too fast


also can I offer you some metal song for this fic if the MC becomes a heavy metal singer

8095049
Thank you for your opinion. I'm trying to take is slow ATM. One side story chapter is done and the next main chapter is in work.

Thank you for your offer, but this is not gonna happen. He will be part of a band yes, but not as singer.

8095064 ok can't wait to see


also aw I was hoping to add some powerwolf and sabaton to this fic or slipknot

8095081
It will all come in due time. :)

May I ask what you like/dislike about this story?

8095102 I like the fact that it will have heavy metal in it

and so far what I don't like is how short the chapters are and how the MC acted to what that asshole waiter said to him if it where me I would have wrung that waiters neck like a mop

The idea alone is great! Equestria needs a metal injection.
I haven't started reading yet and since it's so short it'll only take me an hour and a half to read it all...
So I'll get back once I'm done.

Not a bad start to the story, but you need to get a proofreader to fix your grammar. I found it very hard to read. Once you get someone to fix this issue, it should be awesome.

"This is what it's all about ,guys: the fans. Be true to them, and we can never go wrong! The more fans we have, the bigger shows we can put on. All they need from us?
Rock."

8154329
8154706
8155038

Thank you all for your opinions. I try my best, but it's not quite there yet, from the looks of it. :twilightsheepish:

This is a pretty bad start to a story.

It's redundant, time does not flow naturally, even for memories, and it's full of grammar issues.

But, this is only the first chapter, so I have hope.

8162452
Well ... Until Chapter 6 it was basically edited by Mircosoft Word. I was new here didn't know anybody and didn't want to bother anybody with my problems. :twilightsheepish:

But well times changed and I've got some good editors now. :twilightsmile:

I like the idea this offers, but it's so wordy and the descriptions don't make me feel like I'm experiencing anything.

:rainbowhuh:
It's good still.
Waiting for it to hook me into it and no references to the title...
Why is he there is my only question.
Reading on!

The whole description out Luna and Celestia are pointless.
We know who and what they are so you don't need to explain them in detail.

Are you going to tell us what each of the mane six look like to detail?

:facehoof:
Even though this is an older story, get an editor.

What the...
Nothing happened, and what little did happen was drowned in flavor text.
:rainbowlaugh:

Waiting for the metal!
Too many problems to comment otherwise.

Hey, PBM! So, I read through chapter one, and the first thing I should say is kudos for trying to write a story! Now, there are clearly some spelling, grammar, and sentence structure issues like you have been told before, but here I must ask: is German your native language and you are trying a foray into english? If so, bravo for the attempt. I speak quite a bit of Spanish, but that's different than trying to write a story in it. Second, there are some problems with your story telling style. You need to draw your readers in, and this overly dry narrative style is too distant and detatched to adequately do it. Instead of these heart wrenching events being brought to hit your readers emotions, your voice and narrative tone is so far away, the reader might just go: "meh." So, I would recommend editing for grammar and such, but just as important is a skilled editor that can help you in the construction so the story is much more personal and not so detatched. I hope that makes sense. :raritywink:

I can kind of agree with Mocha Star's point. All of the grammar and syntax can be helped, but the narrative remains far too attached. It almost feels like I am reading about a writer writing a story, instead of being there and experiencing the story... And there are bunches of HIE fics out there where the protagonist was going through some major drama and mess and fell into Equestria. How can you make this one distinct? I know you will go for a heavy metal angle, but your angle needs to be angled a little sooner, ya know? :twilightsmile:

Dang dude. All your readers will know he is in the hospital on the first sentence of chapter 3. Then the rest of the chapter is just how he tried to wake up. The WHOLE CHAPTER. Who wants to read a whole chapter about trying to wake up? That will just tick readers off and they will bail. You got to get some stuff actually happening. Also, if you want this to work, don't be afraid to re-do it. Such as going from a 3rd person to a 1st person. Doing a 1st person voice is not a bad decision, as a lot of HIE readers get so giddy about imagining themselves in the character's role in Equestria. The 1st person voice helps with that.

Well, I can see that you writing style and use of English are both improving. There is a lot we could improve here, though. About your dialogue. You need to have different speakers have their own paragraphs. Much easier to follow that way.

If he saw himself before, while in bed, how did he not see his own pony body?!

Also, how did he know they were princesses... if he 'had never seen anything like them?'

Also, if he is having this crazy flashback nightmare, how is he seeing the other ponies in the room and their expressions and activities?

Also, your wacked out mini-letter at the end just came out of left field and I was like: wat. Get rid of it.



Also, Celestia is more tactful than to say he unknowingly threw salt on a wound

Not sure such an ALIEN adjustment, new body, new culture, lost everything from home... and he JUST GLAZES OVER THAT?! Where is the struggle? Ah, well, here is my new life... I don't think I would adjust that easy... I'd be freaked the freak out of my freakin mind! :pinkiecrazy:

You started off well with some better crafted dialogue. Then you lost whatever energy you just had by just a glazed narration of the city and history in a glancing fashion.

Huh? Outside presence, or outside appearance?

If you are in the First Person voice, how does he know that this is the first time anyone has stood up to this waiter?

Wow, bigger effort here, much more plot happening and more dialogue... you are improving! And... still badly need editing help.

And how did he pay for his food? did he bring any bits in a saddlebag?

How much of your plot is planned and laid out ahead of time?

It was just too much to berry

I think thats ment to be carry

8683400
What happened their? And no it was meant to be to much to bare.

But thanks for pointing that one out!!

Login or register to comment