New Pony

“Hi Twilight!”

Twilight jumped slightly from the sudden voice behind her. Turning around she couldn’t help but be slightly confused. “Hi Pinkie? Who’s that behind you?”

“He’s new here. Twilight meet Black Soot. Black Soot, this is Twilight Sparkle!” Pinkie started jumping up and down, while the new pony walked up to Twilight.

Twilight took a step back, looking Black Soot up and down. “Wait...are you an alicorn?”

“I have a horn and wings if that’s what you mean..” Black Soot couldn’t help but bring his black hoof up to his muzzle, giggling at the curious expression from Twilight Sparkle.

“I don’t understand how that's possible. There’s only supposed to be four alicorns.” Twilight started walking around, observing Black Soot a little more. He had black fur, a red mane and tail, a pick-axe for a cutie mark, and yellow eyes.

“I can explain. I think I can at least.”

Twilight went over and stood next to Pinkie. “I’d love to hear it. Why don’t we go back to my castle first? Then we can talk over tea.”

Nodding his head, Black Soot started following Twilight while Pinkie had decided to jump next to him. Twilight couldn’t help but notice the strange looks that other ponies were giving them. She couldn’t blame them too much and knew the news of the strange pony would quickly spread around Ponyville. However; it still wasn’t the most unusual thing they’d ever seen.

Pinkie started jumping backwards in front of Black Soot. “You’re going to love the castle! It’s made out of crystal, and the hallways echo super loud! It’s like HELLO! HELLO… Hello… hello… hellooooooooo. Then the kitchen is amazing, thanks to yours truly. I can make you any kind of treat that you want. Such as cupcakes, cakes, pies, cookies, brownies…” Pinkie found herself silenced by a black hoof.

“It sounds amazing Pinkie Pie, but you don’t need a fancy kitchen for any of that. Your Pinkie Pie! You can make anything work.” Smiling, Black Soot continued walking leaving behind a stunned Pinkie Pie.

Shaking her head, Twilight used her magic to pick Pinkie up and carry her the rest of the way to the castle.

“Does she normally do that?” Black Soot asked while using his magic to open the castle doors. Stepping to the side, he motioned for Twilight to go first. Twilight went into the castle, looking back towards the door, she watched as Black Soot walked up next to her.

“Typically no. I’m assuming since you're new and could say something like that will all honestly, you used her…what we call Pinkie sense, against her. She doesn't know what to do. If you follow me, there's a conference room this way we can use." Twilight started guiding him towards a conference room.

Opening a smaller door, they both went into the room. Twilight set Pinkie in one of the chairs while Black Soot sat in the one next to her, and started looking around.

It was an ordinary room. A table, a couple chairs, and a desk that had been pushed against the wall. Black Soot had assumed that the room had been designed to be rather dull, to avoid any distractions during important meetings.

“Can you wait here for a moment while I go and get the tea?”

“I got it Twi!” Twilight immediately turned around at the familiar voice coming from the doorway. “I am your number one assistant after all!”

“Thank you Spike. Could you brew the one we got during our trip to Canterlot?” Twilight watched as Spike slowly started to back away while eyeing Black Soot. Walking over to him, Twilight placed her hoof on his shoulder until he made eye contact. “I’ll explain later.”

“Sure. I’ll be right back. Do you guys need anything else?”

“I think that’ll be all. Thank you Spike.” After one last glance, Spike ran out of the room. With a small sigh Twilight went over and sat down next to Black Soot.

“How about we start with where your from?”

Black Soot started to rub his forearm with his hoof. “I’m from Canterlot.”

Twilight brightened up slightly. “Really? I’m originally from Canterlot. I’m curious how a alicorn remained hidden all of this time. Care to share your story?”

“Of course. Although this might seem some what out there.”

“Believe me when I say, there’s not a lot that can surprise me.” Twilight giggled, straightening up the way that Celestia had taught her.

“Well you see I’m from Canterlot, but not from the Canterlot over here. I’m originally from a different world full of creatures called humans.”

Pinkie finally came out of her dazed state. Jumping up in her chair, she landed upside down and looked over towards Black Soot. “But if you went through the portal, then wouldn’t you have ended up in the Crystal Empire and not in Ponyville?”

“Portal?” Tilting his head to the side, he decided not to question it further. “I’m sorry but I don’t know anything about a portal. I was around this book, when it started glowing. Next thing I knew, I heard my sister yelling at me to get down. Before I could, I saw a bright flash and ending up…” Black Soot started waving his hooves around, while looking around the room “here. I don’t know why I have a horn and wings, but by everyone’s reaction I’m guessing that it isn't common.”

“No it’s not and strange. Wait, I might know what book you’re talking about. Who is your sister? Perhaps she knows one of my friends on that side, and took the book by mistake.” Twilight offered, while secretly hoping that she was wrong.

“Sunset Shimmer.” He stated. Immediately the color from Twilight’s face had paled and Pinkie started laughing.

“Sunset is your sister?” Twilight whispered, more towards herself then at Black Soot.

“Yes. You seem surprised. Perhaps you know the other Sunset Shimmer? She showed up one day and told us that she was Sunset’s long lost twin. We live by ourselves, so we decided not to tell our parents about her. It would just cause too many issues. Some of her stories she writes, I guess aren't fiction after all. "

“Keep going, this is getting good!” Pinkie smiled, pulling out a bucket of popcorn out of her hair.

“Well, she does talk about a Princess Twilight Sparkle a lot with her friends. I’m guessing that she’s talking about you, and not our cousin Twilight Sparkle. Although, I’d love to see her try and explain this. That is, if she hasn’t already tried examining Sunset’s book by now. They've become pretty close, since Twilight transferred to Canterlot High. Sunset and I had figured out that the book is like a text message, but Sunset won’t give us any details. I guess I know why now, but I still have a lot of questions to ask her when I get back home.”

“Cousin? Sunset and I are cousins?” Pinkie and Black Soot both looked over to Twilight who had been staring wide eyes, her mouth slightly agape, and trembling slightly.

“You didn’t know?”

Both of them stared at Twilight, who could have been mistaken as a statue. A minute later Pinkie waved her hoof in front of Twilight’s face. “Twilight! Snap out of it!” Using her hair, Pinkie managed to making a snapping sound.

Coming back to reality, Twilight looked between Black Soot and Pinkie before she started to laugh. "Sunset is my cousin? Oh sweet Celestia, the things we talked about." Covering her reddened face with her hooves, Twilight ran out of the room to avoid further embarrassment.

“Yeah, I can see the similarities between her and our Twilight now.” Black Soot chuckled while Spike walked into the room, holding a tray containing the tea, three cups, and cookies.

“What’s wrong with her?” Spike set down the tray down and picked up the teapot, carefully pouring the tea into two cups. After handing both of them their cup, Spike poured himself a cup of tea.

Pinkie chugged her tea, quenching her dry throat. “Trust me when I say that It’s best if you don’t question it. Can you…”

“Send a letter to the Princess? Don't worry I’m already on it. I learned a while ago, not to try and deal with one of Twilight’s breakdowns alone.” Spike went over to a desk and pulled a scroll and quill out of one of the draws. Scribbling a quick note, he sent the scroll before taking a seat next to Pinkie Pie. Confused, Black Soot just took sips of his tea.

“Don’t stop now.” Pinkie started to whine, looking over to Black Soot. “What happened next!”

Author's Note:

I'm sorry, I just had to write this.

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Scorch215

Scorch215 #1 · Aug 21st, 2016 · · ·

Not sure why Twilight would have a breakdown over her counterpart being cousin s with the other world's Sunset but OK.

Not really sure what ypi were going for, you mentioned the character had randomness but he didn't do anything random, he did have a strange appearance from the POV of the ponies do to being an Alicorn so I guess that is accurate.

Honestly only saw two real cliches with the unexplained travel, Pinkie Pie friendship which is mostly unavoidable and I guess being an alicorn could be cliché but I habnet seen many HiE fics with that happening to the character (just one actually)

Overall i guess the story is OK. Its concsist, only jad a few spelling errors, eveeon was in character for the most part till Twilights random breakdown for no real reason. But this didn't really live up to the comedy or random tags as nothing was really fun and the only random bit was him showing up due to a malfunctioning book of magic text messaging.

Banana Boat

Banana Boat #2 · Aug 21st, 2016 · · ·

Scorch's comment sums up the narrative issues pretty well, but I think he gives you too much credit on your writing. You need to proofread your work before you post it, at least once. There were misspellings and grammar errors in the description, for crying out loud.

Satirizing bad writing won't work if you write badly.

edit: The changes have greatly improved things. Good job!

Moonlit Path

Moonlit Path #3 · Aug 22nd, 2016 · 1 · ·

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Thank you so much for your input. I had edited it before posting it, but I should've waited until I was more awake to go over it again and then post it.

I worked on it some more, and fixed the problem areas that I could find.