The Princess's Book

by deadpansnarker

"You had ONE job"...

"Hello, this is Ponyville news with your beautiful hostess Hot Scoop, reporting to you live from... Ponyville, of course, stoopid. These are today's headlines: Bulk Biceps has decided to embrace his true feminine nature and change his name to Snowflake, Big Mac's sponsored silence has so far raised over a million bits for the Displaced Fruit Bats Association, and disasters around town have been reduced by around 90% since a certain trio of fillies got their Cutie Marks. So, as another slow, meaningless hiatus draws to a close..."

"Wait a second... We're just getting some breaking news. Apparently, a high-speed chase is underway at the moment, between a purple streak and a rainbow. Folks, we are not making this up. This is a reputable station run by professionals, not like those hacks who ruined the Foal Free Press. We bring you live to the scene, with our reporter, Pencil Pusher. He's getting canned tomorrow, but don't tell him that, folks. Let him enjoy his last moments on camera..."

"...What was that, Scoop?"

"...Nothing, darling. You just carry on. "

"Oh, okay. Anyway, as you can see in the background here, a most unusual phenomenon is taking place. Two indeterminable figures are battling it out in the sky. The lavender one seems to be shooting strange beams of light at the multi-coloured blur, who up till now has managed to dodge them by a matter of inches. This is just as well really, because everything the rays make contact with has been blown to smithereens. Like, the orphanage. The hospital. Worst of all, though...*SOB*...M-my h-house..."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that, Pusher. You wanna talk about it?"

"N-no, i-it's f-fine. I'll be okay. As long as I have a job to look forward to going to every day, six foals who worship the ground I walk on because I'm not 'some unemployed bum' and am able to put food on the table for them and my pregnant wife, then I'll be alright! Otherwise, I'd probably just up and kill myself..."

"U-um, actually Pusher. About that..."

"Oops, no time to talk now. We have a couple of special guests who might be able to fill us in on what exactly in Celestia's name is going on in this formerly peaceful hamlet . One is a sort of pinky unicorn who appears to have had her mane done recently, the another is her pet, some kind of sassy lizard..."

"Hey, I'm no lizard!! I'm Spike! I'm the Princess's number one assistant! I saved the Crystal Empire! I turned down the chance to be Dragon Lord! I'm..."

"Of course you did, sweetie! Nothing wrong with having a dream! Just don't aim too high... Oh, what am I saying? 'High' for you would be reaching most doorknobs. Ha ha ha... Ouch!!"

"That's what you get for disrespecting me! How many 'lizards' do you know that can breathe fire?!"

"Let's see now. Up to the last count, including yourself, one. That sure is some wacky pet you've gotten yourself there, Miss..."

"S-Starlight G-Glimmer, S-sir. S-sorry if I appear nervous, it's just I've been living in a cave alone for the last year or so, and am still getting used to being around other ponies, other than to stalk them for no good reason..."

"Really, hun? What tragic event forced you into self-imposed isolation? Did your goldfish die? Did you develop an aversion to sunlight? Were you trying to develop a maniacal scheme to destroy the world by misusing the power of Time Travel?"

"A-Actually, that last one is pretty..."

"Oops, sorry dear. We're running short on time as it is. We'll have to get into your convoluted and ultimately unsatisfying backstory at some other point. Right now, what our readers... I mean, viewers are really interested in is this freaky skirmish in the sky. Can you tell us anything about it, or as I suspect, have the last few minutes of airtime been a total waste of everypony's time?"

"U-um. I-I'll do my best. It all happened so quickly..."

...............................................................................................................................................

I was being forced at hornpoint in the Crystal Castle to listen to yet another tiresome friendship lecture from Princess Twilight Sparkle Bossypants (Twi for short, oh how unpretentious she is!) while Spike here was scoffing down what was left of the jewels he acquired from saving a certain reptilian royal from falling in some lava pits (he only did it for the gems, not da booty, you see).

Suddenly, we all heard a loud crash as an equine figure came smashing through the roof. Nope, Derpy hadn't taken a wrong turn again, her corrective eye surgery had been going rather well (at the expense of her individuality and cult popularity, though). It was our good friend Rainbow Dash, who'd just returned from a convention based around an explorer who liked to dress up as an geriatric old nag. Why, I don't know... possibly to falsely claim social security checks?

Anyway, aside from the damage to the building which would be mysteriously repaired in the next scene, I was quite happy at the distraction. Don't get me wrong,I do love living with an eternal alicorn future monarch, it does wonders for my street credibility. I even get free spa treatment now... just check out this hooficure! Flawless, no?

The downside to all this shameless leeching off her fame is all that boring, illogical sermonizing. I mean, what exactly does friendship have to do with a freshly set table?! She even insists on screening all my new friends. Affable court magicians who saved countless lives are fine, but egotistical showponies who once tried to conquer Ponyville aren't. I mean, what's up with that?!

Oops, I'm getting off track again. Basically, 'Twi' had been very excited all day, as if the latest issue of OCD Sufferers Monthly had just come out. I knew this wasn't the case though, since she only reads it on a Sunday. At 6.p.m. In the bathroom. While making funny chirping like noises.

She couldn't go to the convention with Rainbow Dash because she'd been attending some arbitrary conference in Griffonstone which she promised to tell me about later, possibly towards the end of the season. The only thing she'd reveal about mutant hybrid country is not to try the scones... they were disgusting, ever since the populace discovered they had an allergy to baking powder. They lynched some poor griffon called Gilda for poisoning them with the extra ingredient... poor love.

Back to Dashie. After picking herself up and apologising profusely for any destruction wrought by her 'awesomeness', she trotted over to a now stimulated Twilight, and the two of them had a rather animated conversation which is at the crux of the dazzling spectacle we see going on above our heads right now.

"Hi, Twi! I had the most fantabulous time at the Daring-Do meet up! I bought a figurine... took a slide into some polystyrene rocks... saw a re-inaction of a deadly puzzle from chapter one of the first novel... It was great! But you haven't heard the best part..."

"You mean, when you got my book signed by A.K Yearling?"

"No! You see, I met this stallion, called Quibble Pants..."

"Did he get my book signed by A.K Yearling?"

"E-er, I don't think so. We were both too busy, embarking on a real quest, searching for the amulet of Culiacan! We got captured by Dr. Caballeron together, had a death defying fall off a rope bridge, escaped the lethal claws of the Cipactli..."

"...At what point, during all this exposition, did you get my book signed by A.K Yearling?"

"Listen, you don't understand! After we found the ancient artefact and gave it to Daring-Do to deliver to a museum, I discovered the greatest treasure of all... was friendship! Me and Quibble Pants, despite our numerous differences about what makes a good adventure, are now the bestest of buds! You see, he prefers..."

"That's great, Rainbow Dash, really super... a speech about friendship. I totally need one of them, I mean, it's not like I've been exhorting them for six years now is it, or I have the very word in my honourary royal title?!"

"U-uh? B-but, I-I t-thought..."

"... Of everything, besides having my book autographed, apparently. Did you ever stop to think, during your traumatic kidnapping, your almost fatal plummet, and your incredible survival from the wrath of a legendary monster, about me? The pony who made you what you are today? If I hadn't let you accompany me on my jaunt to find the Elements Of Harmony you'd be nopony! I doubt they'd even let you mop the toilets at Wonderbolts headquarters!!"

"Erm... Twi? Dontcha think you're being just a tad harsh?"

"Harsh? HARSH?! You had one job, Rainbow Dash... one!! Get a world-famous author, who you apparently hung out with all day, to scribble something on a piece of paper, and you couldn't even manage that! You'd rather put your life at stake for a cheap piece of jewelry destined to kept in a glass case and be ogled by bored groups of schoolchildren forever, than actually do something worthwhile for an old friend who's only wish was to complete her collection of signed A.K Yearling merchandise. In fact, I don't think I'm being 'harsh' enough..."

"U-um... Twi? Why are your wings growing so much? Why are your eyes glowing white? Why is there a huge build-up of energy amassing above your horn? You... You're kinda scaring me..."

"Oh, that's kind of disappointing actually Dash, because what I really want to do is terrify you. I do hope you're in one of your light-speed moods today, because you're going to need every last drop of swiftness to deal with this p*ssed off pretty pony princess. Tell you what, I'll give you a head start. Let's say... four seconds. That should be more than long enough for 'the strongest flyer in town.' You better get moving, the clock is ticking..."

.................................................................................................................

"Rainbow Dash didn't have to be told twice. She flew outside through the hole she'd created, quickly followed by my apoplectic teacher, who still had the time to request that I practice polishing cutlery while she was gone. Another friendship 'lesson' apparently, thought I suspect it's all just a subtle ploy to get me to do her dirty work. There was no way that was going to happen, I wouldn't have missed this showdown for all the cutie marks in the world! E-er... Don't tell her I said that, 'kay? As you can see, she can get pretty intense when she's angry..."

" Thanks, Starlight. You heard it here first folks, the battle royale taking place above us is between none other than an overpromoted, humourless unicorn who placed all of Ponyville under an evil spell involving her fillyhood toy, and a narcissistic pegasus suspected of murdering local heroine Mare Do Well and blowing up the local weather factory..."

"Hey, Mr Pusher! Don't talk about my friends that way! Those are just rumours!!"

"Keep your scales on, little guy... we're an independent station simply reflecting the views of our owner, a Mr D Cord. Which, of course, automatically makes those salient opinions fact. Here, have a wollipop, if it'll shut you up..."

"But I don't even likmmm... Why did you shove that thing in my... actually, this is pretty good!!" *SUCK* *SUCK*

"Well, it is ruby and sapphire flavour, or should I say, garnet. Anyway, the fight seems to be petering out a bit, nopony has been scarred for life or burnt to a crisp for a while now. We'll return you to the studio as until that changes, and things get exciting again..."

"Thanks Pusher, and I'm sure you meant to add ' We all pray for a quick resolution to this conflict, with no further loss of life. Our hearts go out to the ponies who have lost loved ones on this tragic occasion..."

"O-of course I did, but you just said it for me, Scoop. Can you hang up now, please? I'm missing out on all the fun. C'MON... YOU ALMOST HAD HER THAT TIME!! I'VE GOT A HUNDRED BITS RIDING ON YOU PRINCESS, YOU BETTER NOT LET ME DOWN!! MOVE THAT SEXY PURPLE BUTT OF YOURS!!"

"Erm... Sorry about Mr Pusher there. His abrasive views may be held by a majority at the station, but most of our other staff are diplomatic enough to keep them under wraps . Don't worry, tomorrow he'll be replaced by someone more prone to speaking in neutral, platitudinous jargon, who will be given full diversity training before being unleashed onto the airwaves. After all... Pony, Griffon, Changeling, Dragon, Breezies, Parasprites, Diamond Dogs, Timberwolves, we're all equal in every single way, and must strive to accept each others wonderful, nuanced differences. As the recent chart topping song goes: "Equestria, the land I love, A land of harmony, Our flag does wave from high above, For ponykind to see." Thank you, and good night, my beloved audience."

"Apart from Snips and Snails, of course. Nopony likes those guys... Why they're still in the intro I don't know. We barely even see them these days, thank Celestia... and what's with that cheesy song by the Countess? She's really sold out to those tree hugging ponies, I much prefer her original material! Razzle Dazzle... now, that was a tune! What on Tartarus is 'The Magic Inside'?! Sounds like a build up of gas after a particularly spicy meal. This never woulda happened under Luna..."

"Er, Hot Scoop sweetie, your mic is still on, and the program isn't over yet..."

"...WHAT?! OH SHI..."

CUT!!

Author's Note:

I got quite silly last nite, and this blarped out. I take full responsibility.

Comments

[StarzGecko]

Oh boy... I'm so confused who is talking... It's like one characters than another talks making it seem like it's the other pony.

It might have been easier if the words were in color, that we'll help at least.

But it's was a great & confusing story at least

[Jarvy Jared]

Something tells me this would be fun to read if you were high on acid.

Who am I kidding; anything is fun to read when you're on acid.

Not speaking from personal experience, of course...

[Jman14102]

This is so stupid.
Good job!

[deadpansnarker]

7446676 Now, THAT'S what I like to hear. :)

[Speedy Silverstreak]

This story is fucking perfect. I'm crying from laughing so hard

SS

[OmniFox]

Don't hate the baby dragon hate the critics!!!

[Vupsi]

Wow.. Already a fanfiction about how Rainbow never signed Twilight's book for her xD
That chapter name is gold! "You had ONE job"... xD

[ColdGoldLazarus]

What.

[deadpansnarker]

7448986 ... IS THE RIGHT ANSWER!!

[Tharen1]

wall that put me in good mood thought I think you are the only one to write about this.

[Drago Cadenza]

Well...I'll say that the premise was good, but I felt like the execution was a bit disappointing to me.

I won't give you a dislike, but I can't really give it a like either. So it was Average at both best and worst. If I offended you, just know that I don't mean to, I was only wanting to give out my analysis of the story.

So, good day to you sir. I'm Willy Wonka!

[deadpansnarker]

Well...