CHAPTER TWO
"Holy shit Spike I've got it!" It was the first words Twilight had said in a while. Spike was just getting used to the idea of her quietly brooding. "I've focused too much on conventional means of recreation!"
"And here I thought I knew what you were whining about."
"It's simple, Spike! I just simply have to take a deontological view of having fun."
Spike sprang up in alarm. "No way! You're not messing with my teeth!"
"Deontological, not dentistry. As long as it produces a desirable end - such as me not being so fucking bored - it is a justified action!"
"Should I ask what 'it' is?" Spike's concern was almost tangible.
"Simple! I'm going to punch a baby."
Spike stared blankly. After a good fifteen seconds he blinked. Synapses and neurons were trying desperately to piece together what the words that had just entered Spike's brain meant and how he should respond. The intense action eventually produced a response. "What?"
"I said I'm going to punch a baby."
The synapses resumed their incredible and deadly task. "I hope this is a euphemism or code name for stitching or something."
"Nope!" Twilight somehow looked proud. "I am going to sneak up on a baby and sock it right in the face."
"Sweet Celestia what is wrong with you!?"
"It's okay Spike, the baby won't be old enough to form coherent memories. Its experience will be ephemeral, while I'll be able to look back on this moment with joy!"
"But why punch it? Couldn't you do something nice?"
"Anyone can do something nice to a baby any old time! What I'm talking about is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to punch a baby. It will be what I've desired for so long, a novel experience!"
"I'm not going to be able to talk you out if it, am I? I just want you to know this is a horrible idea and you will regret it."
"That kind of thinking is how I got the ennui jar so full. A life without regrets is a life without risks! Now come on, Spike! The damn foal will never see it coming!" Twilight opened the door by ripping it off its hinges with magic and sprinted into the town.
"I hope the foal will pay for a new door," Spike said, walking after Twilight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Twilight poked her head around the corner of one of the market square tents. "And there she is, Peach Cobbler, the baby who will be my salvation."
Spike poked his head out and sniffled a little. "Seriously Twilight I think you're salivating a little. Does punching a baby mean that much to you?"
Twilight ignored his protests. "Fuzzy Peach doesn't really pay that much attention to her during the market, so she'll think Cobbler is just grumpy or upset or something. And escaping is no problem I can just wink out. Wait, now's my chance! Let's go!"
Twilight tip-toed next to the celery tent, with Spike following. Fuzzy Peach was there, bartering with the salespony, an excruciatingly long and intense process. As expected, Peach Cobbler was in a stroller near her mother. Barely able to keep her excitement in check, Twilight looked over the crowd. Good, no one was looking this way. Everyone cleared out when Fuzzy first protested the price. She reared up her hoof,
"Ah-ah-CHOO!" Spike sneezed.
Everypony there turned to him. "Gesundh-"
THOCK!
Everypony stared in shock. Twilight, leaning over the stroller with a hoof held high, met their stares. The only sound was Peach Cobbler sobbing. The seconds felt like hours as nothing happened.
Twilight winked out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Now, tell me what you've learned from this," Princess Celestia said in her sternest voice possible.
"It is not a good idea to punch a baby," Twilight replied.
"And the OTHER thing?" Princess Celestia managed to up the stern.
"Using deontology to justify selfish desires is unjust, short-sighted, and is not a desirable end for the group."
"Aaaaaaand?"
"I should stop swearing so much."
"Eh, good enough." The princess of the sun returned to a more normal tone. "Well the funds in your ennui jar only covered half of the bail, so unless you can convince your friends to lend you a few bits... well, I guess you're shit out of luck!"
"Didn't you just-"
"Bye bye!" Celestia closed the cell door and walked out of the jailhouse. She flew back to Canterlot, to the royal palace, to her chambers. After dismissing her guards, she pulled a jar full of bits from under her bed, labeled "swear jar".
She put a bit in the jar.
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I feel horrible for giggling >.<
Wat.......
I fucking love this.
What do I hear? Is that the sound of this fic climbing up the "getting featured" ladder? I think it is!
Best thing ever.
Ha, what the Buck?
AMAZING!
I can't decide between this being hilariously terrible, or terribly hilarious.
Either way, I laughed.
Hmm... (Thats my thinking noise
)
Love it.
Also, don't think I don't know that "wink out" is from the previous gens, cause I do.
18 likes and 0 dislikes at the time of reading. WTF!!??
I'm going to task myself to be the first dislike.
Bravo, good sir
as a grumpy curmudgeon, I relate to Twilight so much.
Twilight has issues
796504 You should seek help immediately before you punch a baby.
796516 You're Crazy Dude....
*stoner snicker*
796559 I'm disliking it because I disliked the story. I didn't know that was a crime.
Frankly I'd be alarmed if there were no dislikes. It is a story about a baby getting punched after all.
796570 It's okay.
Acrolith Punches a Like Button
The last sentence made my day.
796541 Why...why do you show up in everything I look at.
Like really. Do we have the same mindset or something? Do we click on the exact same things?
WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN.
797070
I don't show up in everything you look at. you look at everything I show up in. I was here first. You're stalking me.
Oh god, this shouldn't have made me laugh, but good job sir for using child abuse to bring a smile to my face!
DAFUQ DID I JUST READ?
Your an awful person for making me laugh at this.
Infinity Hitlers strangling infinite Fluttershys. THAT'S YOU. >:(
797746 is that better or worse than one Twilight punching one baby?
I'm going to hell for liking this lol
798411 So will 59 other people xD
Why is this so fucking hilarious? Why am I favoriting it? Good job, under 2k words you make a pretty funny, original (novel, even) one-shot
Deontology is indeed a dangerous route to take in any event. The safer ends-based moral philosophy is always Utilitarianism.
This story somehow balances the necessarity OOC-ness needed for this kind of story and the in-characterness to make it somehat believable. And hilarious.
4 moustaches out of 5.
Oh this was gud. I twas real good.
If It had been my ennui jar, it probably would have been enough to cover my bail...gotta love this story.
The definition for "deontological" that Twilight gives is very strange. On Wikipedia it's described as the judgment of the morality of an action based on a set of rules (often duty-based), not "so long as it produces a desirable end".
...is that part of the humor?
Despite being in the middle of a conversation at the time, I immediately broke out in laughter when I saw the name of this.
And now, having read the actual little story, I am very pleased with what you've done with this. It's going right into my favorites. For all posterity!!
What the fuck? I know the title says "Twilight Punches A Baby" but when she said it, I was like
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png
I have no idea what I just read... But it was hilarious!dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_rainbowkiss_flip.png
This is hilarious, But I just can't bring myself to upvote it... Darn you for creating a mild existential dilemma
...she must try a more unique approach on the next door she encounters.
--
Twilight opened Sugarcube Corner's door with Spike.
Nice.
Nice.
Awesome Story!!!
pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/133566709594.jpg
Some of the comments are funnier than the story.
Why don't I check the new stories tab often?
798411 Meh. I was already going to hell.
i came