It's a story of war, refugees, and being caught between two cultures.
A war in the Griffin Kingdom causes a flood of refugees into Equestria. What will happen to Equestria when it's no longer the kingdom of only ponies?
Chapters (5)
Chip Unicorn
Joined 29th Sep, 2011 ·
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I'd need to see more to give a proper review, however this does have potential to be an interesting story.
Have you read the fanfic "Guardians" by warhorse72?
Loved it
So far I have to say that I find this rather interesting!
16182
Not yet; I will check it out. Thank you!
Oh, this looks very promising! I hope you'll write more soon.
Oh these poor griffins...
FUS RO DAH!
ok a little rough around the edges but overall its pretty good
26064
I'm sorry; I'm not an artist. I built the picture from Gilda, but I had hoped that removing her eyelashes and making her picture wider would be enough to distinguish Chielo from her.
26646
Oh well. I was hoping at least for a cameo. Either way, i've been enjoying the story.
Ohhh, this is bad . . . Also, you might want to increase the length of your chapters. 3,000-5,000 words is considered standard.
Huh. The story stopped a lot sooner than I thought it was going to. You planning to do a sequel? A group of refugees trying to survive in a strange land is one thing, but how will things go, both here and back at Canterlot, when griffons are full-fledged citizens?
40769
Thank you for wanting to read more!
I want to write a sequel eventually... but I don't think that this story is very popular. (Its rating is 4.0 / 5.0. It was rejected from Equestria Daily. And the commenter above you wrote "Ohhh, this is bad . . ." Since he also subscribed to the story, I guess that he meant Michael Jackson-style bad -- as in hard-core. But it still hurt.)
I have a different style of story in mind for the next one, which will take place entirely within Ponyville and not use as much of an Original Culture.
Got mixed feelings about this story, more specifically the fact that it looks more like a prologue for something bigger rather then a full story on its own.
Nevertheless - I enjoyed the story and would definitely read a sequel, if it's planned of course. :)
I agree with Feren. This seems more like a Prolouge than a story of its own. I hope to see more.
Your story was rejected from EqD? Join the club. Over on the Spacebattles.com forums we've all but given up on having anything posted to EqD because of all the rejections.
As for my opinion on the story: I was good, but it did indeed feel like a prologue. Everything seems to be building up to a larger and longer tale just waiting to told. Though, that bit of a pacing problem probably could have been fixed had you given a lot more time to showing the griffins as immigrants in pony cities -- trying to find jobs, facing racism-driven conflicts, dealing with unknown customs, etc., etc.. It also would have had the benefit of making us more attached to Chielo's mother, so that her death would be more impact-full.
This story isn't perfect, and it needs some work, but then again most stories are like that. The difference here is that what needs work isn't concept, or grammar, or plot, but simply numbers. To put it another way, we need more description, more chapters, and more of everything else to make it work.
Take heart, your story isn't bad, far from it, it just needs more of what it already has. You should pursue that angle, and you will create a story that people are sure to love. In fact, I'm sure they already do, since a 4.0 is actually a pretty decent score.
40929
Thank you so much for the encouraging words. The next time I try a story like this, I won't stick to just one small viewpoint.
I found the story interesting and enjoyed it.
In my opinion, writing is like art: no matter the quality of your first piece, your next piece can only be better, but only if you give the effort to make it a reality. If you enjoy doing it, keep writing. Even the greatest artists throughout history could not get to where they did if they had stopped at that first piece of work.
I love this story, it's not a 100,000 word epic narrative but I think it's better for that. If I hadn't already written a crappy griffon culture and history for my own Gilda story Banishment Decree, I'd have probably heavily leant on yours. I hope you write some more griffon related stuff soon!
26646 I'll be trying my hoof at griffons soon enough, so if I ever get around to it and post them, shoot me a message and I'll draw one based on a description.
It's a great story you have here, by the way.
I've noticed how little I've said about this story up until this point and I'm finally going to remedy that. I started reading with the incomplete vignettes you wrote, and came to this story second. I regretfully say that I did not expect it to be this good. I shouldn't dare base assumptions off of ratings, but I also didn't come in expecting to be attracted to the type of story either.
I was wrong. The world building in this is superb, and I have to say that it is one of the more original representations of this situation that I have read. The main character is well fleshed-out, the story progresses at a very comfortable pace, and I can tell there was plenty of thought put into each scene and how they were excecuted.
So before I even read the final chapter, I can easily say that I recommend this story to anyone I can. I'm sharing it on some other sites as well because this deserves much more of an audience than it has. Excellent work, Chip!
I have to disagree with another commentor in the thread in favor of more words. I find myself in favor of the succintness of the story. Everything was described as-is without insulting the reader's intelligence by rehashing a lot of things we already know.
More value needs to be put on stories that seem like only "a prologue." Many romance stories are written this way and that certainly doesn't make them bad. Although I may be biased in the sense that I don't like lengthy descriptions or heavy action scenes.