I Just Want a Comment15,733 stories ·3,677 members
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Everypony knows how dangerous and mysterious the Everfree forest is, especially with the strange creatures that lurk within. What happens when a group stallions decide to go camping? When Big Macintosh invites some ponies to spend the night with him there, they discover something very unusual. The only question that will matter is whether or not they will be able to leave...
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7345604 Alright I'll edit it to be more fitting
Okay, I'll say what I said about the last one: either put more effort into editting yourself, or, preferably, get a dedicated editor. Even more preferably, get two or three. The more eyes you have looking for mistakes, the better.
If you choose not to, than at least bare in mind to stick to one narrative verb tense, and learn the difference between "since" and "sense", because it was in the story too.
As for the story itself, suffice it to say that it was better than "Good Pets". It's still rather contrived, and the pace is WAY too quick, but at least in this one the character actions more often than not make sense. Shining Armor seems a bit OOC, given his former guard status, but the others have little enough canon characterization that you have less to worry about.
7345623 Much better.
7345651 Believe me I've been looking around but nopony is answering my requests, it's like all my job applications...
7345659 I know I mentioned the dedicated editing groups the site has. Have you checked them?
7345668
eeyup
I think the idea of ponies being hypnotized into becoming woodsponies is very interesting, but I thing you could have stretch it further, and make it more subtle, if they started to have physical transformations like growing beards as well as starting to develop paunchs, along with mussels to them. My be they could have found a Woody with a huge bear barrel to drink that he would offer to them. Still it was a good read but I with their was more showed about what happened after that. I like how Mocha was bantering with Caramel and that he was the character out that tried too hard to be part of the group of stallions.
7345691 I plan to rewrite it at some point in the future with more details and distinctions but I wanted to out a mini version out to get a test of how people would like it, so far it's been the best reviewed of my stories so eventually I'll take the further steps for it.
7345696 well if you want a few more idea for your story if you are interested. Maybe they turn this camping trip into a competition to prove to each other that they are each just as stallion as the others, with bets and challenges to see how the manliest of them each of them maybe they are all insecure in the virility, that they all have some shame secret shame about then. Big Mac like cutesy things, Shining feel that he is a complete doormat for his wife, Sorin is afraid of spiders(I don't think he gets to see them much in cloudsdales), Caramel can't find his way home on his own in the dark, and Mocha doesn't even have the strength to open a jar on his own. Maybe Woody(you should really get Mocha crack a joke about it) could convince then to stay in his cabin a few days and get them to do tasks that would help all of them to become true stallions. as they go along the start to act differently, say weird things, and before they even know it they are now woodsponies how would happily stay in the woulds for the rest of their live. May be you could also include an exposition about how Woody became what he is today.
7345741 Really great ideas! I do admit the story was way too fast paced and didn't explain much and I do regret that. I'll rewrite it once I'm done with the Prince Marshall story which will probably be done by the end of the week. Thanks for the advice, when it gets revised I'll work a lot in.
7345668 In case you didn't read the other comments, I plan to rewrite this story when Prince Marshall's done and put a lot more into it.
7345751 Well the fun part about challenges is that they are all reluctant to do any of it but they wold all fear of what they think of then if they chicken out of it and pushes them to go on further then they are normally comfortable with. I would be interested in commenting on your rewrite before it is published if you are interested. Just PM me when it is ready.
7345779 Oh gosh thank you so much, I really need that actually