Writing and reading stories is just a hobby of mine, although I am just a beginner in Writing stories I hope you all enjoy it for I have created them from the bottom of my heart and imagination,Thanks
Hidden Behind a Mask, A Hero or a Villain, One who sides to both Good and Evil but chooses what is right, for he is not the pony you think he is.
Join me on my quest around Equestria to find and save them.
Will I be able to help both my kind and the Equestrians?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I would truly want to see your positive comments I really want to know directly from the readers if the story is interesting or if it has some flaws and plot holes, and also thank you for reading my story I really appreciate it.
P.S Sorry I just Only started writing a few days ago But every Chapter Words and Dialogue will increase Dramatically, Anyways thanks for reading I hope you Enjoy.
Well okay, definitely a beginner writer then.
Some things that strike me right off the bat:
- Stop randomly Capitalizing words. You should Only Capitalize the First Word of a Sentence or Pronouns (here I'm demonstrating that it looks silly).
- way too many run-on sentences. This actually affects the next point.
- your pacing is way too fast. In a mere six hundred words you ran through several (probably) important world-building pieces of information, flashed by a major event, introduced (kinda) several characters, and even showed us a potential love interest (I assume). That's a lot of stuff! Slow it down and let the roses grow a bit!
- a beta reader can help you with a lot of this, seek one out!
Okay, so he really is a juvenile. That fits some puzzle pieces together, but highlights more oddities (such as his lack of supervision and why he doesn't know about emotions( still, if he's that young, how did he ever leave the Hive?
Hmmm so Serenity adopted them both? Also, the school was destroyed but classes aren't continuing? Very odd. Even more odd is that they sent injured all the way to Manehatten, that doesn't seem right to me for some reason.
Unfortunately this won't get added to my faves list, but keep at it! Your writing should improve just by doing it, but also think about the @why"behind everything, there are a lot of things so far that don't make a lot of sense that can be found just asking that simple question.
7271688 Thank you very much for the Pointers I really needed Outside opinions, I might re write my story, Again thank you very much!
7271674 I just thought Changelings Don't Know about emotions and I read on A wiki that some changelings are born with high Intelligence good for Espionage and some are stronger Making good Soldiers.
7271937 maybe not outright rewrite right now, continue this one to gain experience, then later revisit and if necessary start anew. Many authors enjoy seeing how they're improving, so having it in the original form is recommended (even if you simply un-publish it).
7271943 it is possible they may not experience them themselves (or perhaps rely on their feeding of them in order to do so, now there's a creative idea), but even then they would be tought about them at least, so his reaction would have been more "wait, she says I look sad, is that what I'm feeling? I don't think I like it very much."
7271953 good luck!