I put out fires, write stories, other fun stuff in between too~
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A Pony on Earth Story
Fleetfoot and Derek want the same thing, a family. Something they can both cherish and love after a long day of work. But Fleetfoot's lifestyle choices and career prevent her from having what she truly wants. Will a magical anomaly give both parties what they want, or will they both go home empty handed?
Special thanks to Manaphy for the inspiration and my new Fleetfoot obsession
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well this story looks interesting so far. I will follow it
6946954
Thank you!
Any comments or helpful feedback is incredibly valuable to me! Just drop it in a comment!
6946980
Thanks buddy!
it is nice to see a story the does not involve the main 6. one of the background ponies you don't think of much or does not get much screen time.
Yes have a track!
Tell me about that loner life, though.
Don't listen to me, this seems like an good story. Keep it up
Yeah, I do find Fleetfoot adorable. She and the Wonderbolts definitely need more love.
Anyway, I'd recommend a few things based on what I read. First, I'd probably expand both parts of the story into their own sections. Have the first part deal with Fleetfoot arriving in the other world and the second part have Derek living his life and spotting Fleetfoot on the ground. That way, the story flows better and it helps keep the reader more engaged.
Also, pronouns right after dialogue aren't capitalized. As an example, it should read like:
Nothing major, but it's something to consider.
As a whole, this story does have potential, especially given how the fish out of water trope has the potential to be used in new and interesting ways. The circumstances of how Fleetfoot left Equestria being mysterious also helps. Anyway, keep on writing and trying your best. I wish you the best of luck on your future endeavors.
6947614
Thanks!
6947710
Much Gratitude my fine friend! Stay in the loop, I'll want you on board for the next few chapters!
6948196 You're welcome! I'll definitely be sticking around.
I cant wait to see where you go with this
Well, I can't deny it. Fleetfoot is amazing.
I really like your story so far and I'll definitely track it. I look forward to the next chapters.
6948973
6949469
Thank you Both!
hmmm... I Like It.
I liked the way you wrote your characters part in alternance, but I think you should've worked a bit more on the layout. Separate paragraphe, line break and such.
I also felt a bit rushed, giving us just a bit more background for your characters would've been nice. Establishing their world, their lifes, personalities and motivations is important. That way we can relate to them and have a bigger appreciation of their story.
I think this story can have a good potential, your style was funny, engaging and your characters just need a bit more work to feel fully fleshed out.
Update?