“Bring every last one of them to our doorstep, then drag them to hell with us!” That was the plan. We know nothing of peace. Equestria knows nothing of war. With the monsters we brought to their kingdom, we must now both adapt or become extinct.
Page generated in 0.022 seconds
Total duration
1,108 users online
2,006,817 hits today, 1,872,792 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Many people will probably come up with cruel and torturous fates for Hurrand and the minister, but to be honest, not only are they not worth the effort, but doing so would simply serve to validate their over-inflated egos.
No, the cruelest and most fitting punishment for monsters such as them is actually quite simple.....lock them up. No big declaration, no-over-the top public execution, no grand spectacle, no indication of importance whatsoever, just plain old life in prison.
7310985 I've been pondering what would be more interesting: Raiden being in a position where he can't kill Hurrand or choosing not to.
7311009 Before I answer that, I'd like to point out 4 general outcomes you're probably gonna have to choose from regarding the fate of the douche-bags. (ahem)
1:Over the top, pro=satisfying, con=possible ooc actions for the protag, and/or causing the ponies to see him differently.
2:Underwhelming, pro=fitting punishment for their personalities, con=might leave some readers a bit unsatisfied.
3:Middle ground, pro=low-risk option from a writing standpoint, con=slight chance to be seen as 'generic' if handled poorly.
4:Outside forces get them before Raiden does, most likely either a rebellion or the Og Nag, pro=wat a tweest! con=copout.
...Now that I've got that out of my system, to answer your question regarding which situation would be more interesting, I give you a quote from one of the most renowned individuals in U.S. history:
actlikeaman.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/lincoln-character.jpg
7311089 *Insert image of Rarity saying "No spoilers"*
That being said, the storyline I have written gets kinda crazy. I love that quote though, it' one of my favorites.
7329479 PM them to me please, would rather not post spoilers in the comments
7338348 Mind blocking out the parts of your review that are spoilers por favor? And thanks a lot, I've been in the same funk as well.
7344477 Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you!
7347777 You are WAY too kind lol. Reread it and spotted a small typo .I swear I always miss one or two lol
7353526 My initial thoughts were "How would a human going to Equestria react when they first see them?" So I thought about how I would actually feel meeting them and the scene kinda wrote itself. Also it was my first chance to how Emeris and his social abilities. After rereading through my chapters, there's so much more I want to add, and you're actually jut a single chapter behind of my editing process lol.
THIS CHAPTER WAS AMAZING
It's interesting to see how Raiden's view changes towards his soon-to-be former king. I mean, he always hated him. But now Hurrand and the Minister are not even considered important to his life anymore.
I love that pig into oven line. It's amazing :)
That's because he is. Luna is watching of course.
These few words accurately portray just how painful it feels to leave a place you love.
The king is so infantile. What a moron. i wonder what book the Minister is reading?
That sets up the danger that will pervade the rest of the chapter, knowing that no one will stand up for Raiden. This was a very important line to note they're all monsters.
That's a good reminder of the cruelty raiden has ALREADY experienced from them. Helps the reader know these guys where the ones who hurt him.
It's wonderful how Raiden uses the moon to remind himself of Luna, which is absolutely fitting and he knows it. But it's also sad in moments like these.
These two lines need to be brought together in the text.
Change "EVery" to "Every" and put a space after the period after "Batallion." Also, Batallion should be "Battallion" with two T's.
It looks like these two lines need to be brought together as one line. Also, these are incredible lines. :)
It's so sad he has this realization during one of the saddest moments of his life. But it's also amazing that such kindness and compassion was birthed in his heart.
I like the enthusiasm of the name "toiletpaper" but I feel like it doesn't fit. I like the implication that the king is basically useful to him as a buttwipe, though. Maybe try something else like the minister and his walking latrine or somesuch. Something "period-specific."
I recommend changing "drains you" to "drained" so the "you" part won't throw the reader off
Change "I" to "It"
add "more" to make it read "It felt like a torture chamber more than anything,"
Gosh dangit I hate Hurrand so much.
I like that Raiden tries to be convincing, even though it doesn't work.
It has become apparent that King Hurrand really isn't that smart. This is good to point out.
change "nervs" to "nerves"
I was really worried when he was thinking all this while standing in front of Hurrand and the Minister that he would smile or have some outward display of happiness. But I can see Raiden used it internally with no outwards sign.
All this description is wonderful and endearing too.
That is a heck of a bit of defiance, but it really did cost Raiden. Still, good to see the fire in him.
As tough as Raiden is, he cannot be tough forever. He is human. He has limits. The poor guy cannot stand there like a statue while being beaten and expect to not scream. this is extremely realistic and very sad.
Oh geezzzz. That is frackin brutal. Poor raiden. And not only that, but the way you describe this scene shows clear intent and thoughtful consideration on how they want to manually hurt him by pushing him to the limits.
That line "I'm a child in a kingdom of nightmares." Absolutely fantastic. Stellar stuff! Shows so much retreating within his own mind because of how much he's suffered.
Any lack of the moon symbolizes a lack of Luna here. Poor guy...
it's so comforting to see that scarf, but the moment I saw it here, i KNEW something would happen to it.
For a moment, i considered this might be real, just like Raiden. It was even setup in a way that might make sense, even though it'd be a huge breach of security. Still, it was not meant to be. Not in this way, anyway.
Yep, it was at this point I knew something HAD to happen to that scarf.
Dang, it's heartbreaking that Raiden wanted to kill himself so badly, but the only reason he couldn't make it is because his injuries were so bad. His injuries were literally THE reason he could not kill himself.
There's a little detail here I absolutely adore: "He inhales a bit before grabbing it..." implying that the guard did not want to do this. Little details like that matter so much.
It's realistic to see he wants to give up, but then thinks of all the ponies he has saved and knows he won't give up after all.
Gosh. Dangit. I knew it. The way it's revealed in the glow is so clever though.
I like the fact that I can imagine him cutting a piece, saying one word, cutting a piece, saying one word, and continuing like that with the way you wrote it. Excellent portrayal of an acting moment! Also, the fact that Raiden thinks he would "never betray (his) family" is so endearing. He thinks about them as family...
When they have a chance, they show they care. Wow.
Awesome thing: it's not up to him. :P
This is a great description of how close Luna comes to losing it right here before Celestia bails her out. Passion and Maturity as sisters. :P
He says this, but clearly Luna and Celestia know he's lying.
I adore this guard. I want him named. He is my bro now. We're having soft tacos later.
The fact that Raiden sees fire in his eyes shows that this Equestrian guard feels the pain of injustice too and makes sure to call him "General" just to inspire him.
Luna's hesitation is so much more telling than saying she felt sad. So much more powerful than describing abstract emotion. The way you've made Luna act this whole chapter is an example of how pain should be written without having to use the word "pain" or "sadness" as much as using the action to detail the emotion itself. Only by approaching emotion indirectly can you describe it accurately.
space between "each other"
This small moment of hope is so powerful. All it takes is one person to change someone's life for the better and here this one soldier did so for Raiden. :)
I love Luna here, going all Boss Mode on the castle like it's a walk in the park for a her. A walk that involves flinging guards left and right while strutting beautifully and powerfully.
Luna's sass is awesome. She's such a badass. She knows she could say literally ANYTHING and get away with it and that's wonderful.
I love the ministers words are so meaningless. He has absolutely zero power over Luna, and she knows it, purposely stopping to challenge him with silence, which he has nothing to say for.
A SINGLE ROCK
That one guard is like "I"m trying sooooo hard to hit them!"
It's so pathetic!
I love the devastation Luna made outside. Gosh, she's a BEAST
HAH Luna didn't even wait for him to say anything else. I love it :)
OH GOSH LUNA HE HAS INJURIES WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU ADORABLE LOVE BEAST
This is cute though :)
Heck yeah! Raiden knows he doesn't have to serve the king anymore. He has two princesses now. One who rules his new home country and the other who guards his heart <3
----
I adore this chapter. This was so much going on. It was brutal. It was sad. It was tense. it was uplifting. It was so many things after all the challenges the characters have gone through. And OH MY GOSH it was sooooo fulfilling to see Luna FINALLY get back at the king and the minister for all they've been doing to Raiden. Absolutely wonderful. One of my favorite chapters of your story so far.
.