“Bring every last one of them to our doorstep, then drag them to hell with us!” That was the plan. We know nothing of peace. Equestria knows nothing of war. With the monsters we brought to their kingdom, we must now both adapt or become extinct.
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Celestia needs a good slap to get it through her skull that maybe she should listen to the guys who have been fighting this enemy and know how they work
7005173 Ya this chapter and the next one were suppose to be combined, but google docs hates me lol. As far as the first chapter vs the second, it's suppose to detail the differences between his world and there's which comes up later. I think it's chapter three where things resume. Ah, yeah chapter three. I may need to combine them, I don't know yet.
Oh this is starting really dark and tense...I like it!
There's an example of how Raiden's troops take after him, trying to make others feel better with their own amazing tales, like good stories to rally around.
This is a fantastic concept. I absolutely love the idea of those fleeing contributing to their own safety and wellbeing by doing whatever they can to help with the war effort. An effective strategy like this would be able to turn major refugee camps into bases of operation for the military which could then jump from point to point taking out enemy armies.
Celestia made me so upset in this chapter that I started considered what I would tell her if I was in this situation. Really getting pumped for the tactical aspect of this chapter, as well as absolutely frustrated by Celestia. This is good storywise. Shows not every character can come up with solutions on their own.
(Change "residence' to "residents")
That is horrific and absolutely sad. But it shows that the nation of Equestria doesn't know how to fight a military campaign, which is important to note storywise.
Excellent point. I'm glad this was explained because that is exactly how it has worked for her for a very long time.
Good you directly addressed what the outcome would be if Celestia does nothing.
More complications which set the stage for what needs to be done. This helps propel the storyline by creating a sense of urgency. Refugees plus enemies moving towards each other. Very good tension.
Endearing, inspiring and funny all in one. I love it :D
This, plus the other tactics these discussed, give so much needed hope to the situation.
I'm digging this! I want more! Imma read more very soon...
Great opening so far. Lot of tension in the story, and Celestia is the prime candidate of those moments. As she is the key driving force. I have noticed that you have a lot of words and descriptions in the present tense. Little confusing a bit, but that could be the wrong word. I think the proper word is different. I mean your previous chapters are written in a different style, and I liked that one much better. It just flows better in my opinion.
For example. I think this line Celestia frantically paces her throne room. Would be better as “Celestia frantically paced around her throne room. But I'll read on and see where this goes.
I can see Celestia is starting to loose herself in this bit. She is starting to lose her composure and with the trials there are obvious strains on her sanity. And you have to take into account that Equestria isn't really a nation built for war. They are peaceful and they solve most of their problems by making friends and spreading harmony. But you have to wonder how long that can last? Celestia's strategy seemed desperate. Like she is running out of options so she is doing whatever comes to mind. But she obviously isn't meant for war. Well save for that alternate timeline that Starlight made.
I can see you bring up what I just wrote, but I think Tirek is a centaur, not a minotaur. But he does look bovine like. But I think centaur is the correct term.
I can see that Raiden and Emeris are the level headed ones in this situation. It shows and makes sense considering they were probably born into war. I do like this because you have portrayed Celestia as not being all knowing, and it shows some weakness in her character. Weakness is good as it's too boring to make a character simply strong. But I think that Celestia could use a bit more composure. I mean I can understand a deal of her feelings, but I think she would show more composure in this situation. I know I said that she is good with weakness, but I think there is a way to convey that weakness but maintain her composure. I think it's possible at least, but I think that depends on the skill of the writer. I think you can pull it off though. Reading on.
Okay the ending. Wow that was a short chapter. But also good as sometimes it's hard to write these lengthy reviews. But to be honest your story is one of the few I put much attention into my reviews. Then again, I am not best at conveying my thoughts directly. Now onto the plot.
The plot of the chapter was well done. It worked for the shortness, despite there not being much action. The rest of the chapter was in dialogue, and It managed well. I found some characterization a little off, but now I am going onto the next part.
The stronger characters I think were Raiden and Emeris. Their personalities were best attuned to this chapter. The conflict going on coalesced together with their individual personalities. Luna was pretty average, just as level headed as Raiden, and I can see that it mixes with the Raiden romance you are building up to. Celestia I found lacking. I mean I can imagine if she feels helpless, but I don't think she would shriek like that. I think you can still portray her weakness but still have her maintain her composure. I know I said that before, and I think that I might be contradicting myself here. But getting my thoughts down is always a hard thing for me. Sometimes I wonder if I even make sense.
But overall your chapters never cease to impress me. Keep up the good work.
Oh Discord.