- Member Since 17th Feb, 2016
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Dark Chocolate
Converting daydreams into stories helps me pretend to be human.
Dark Chocolate
Joined 17th Feb, 2016 ·
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Ok so I decided in order to get more content out more often, I'm going to put out individual chapters, instead of parts. Unfortunately, my computer is acting weird along with my mouse, so if there's any errors with the chapters please let me know.
Okay. Since you have reformatted your story, I must say it is much easier to read. I will start over from the first chapter and give my thoughts on the story chapter by chapter. Note, I am not too good with reviews, so this may not be perfect. If it isn't please let me know on how to improve.
Let's start.
Chapter 1:
Okay, first off a very good opening. Excellent use of scenery what with the mention of the smoke masking the moon. When I read it I could easily picture the chaos serving as a light source.
The Og Nag sound like standard fantasy creature fair. But that's not a bad thing. Every good fantasy story have their own grunt race. Whether it be goblins or orcs, or trolls. And further I can see your description skills with the armor. I'm not too good with words but you do have a way with imagery.
I did notice a little mistake here ”then curving forward like the end of a scythe blade.. ” You got two periods there. Just something small to point out. Nothing major.
And now the fight scene. It was pretty well choreographed. Again your description skills come into play well here. Sorry to repeat myself again on the subject of description, but that's really the best way I can describe it.
Well I've talked long enough about the description, so now lets talk about the setting. The whole world shrouded in darkness and disease is always a favorite of mine. One of my favorites would be the setting of Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles. In that world, the entire planet was shrouded by miasma, a poisonous substance that killed any who stayed out too long. Don't know why I was reminded of that. Your world is more like the same in a way. The miasma being war and destruction. The purple orbs sound mysterious. Kind of like a magical weapon gone awry. Though 200 years of fighting would totally leave a world scarred and divided. It could be a long recovery if this whole mess is ever sorted out.
Also noticed something here We had to make do with what we had, which meant everything was potential resource. I think you meant to put an “a” after the word “was”. Or I could be wrong. Honestly I'm no expert on grammar. I don't mean to be a grammar nazi. I'm just trying to do a better job at reviewing.
Common, give me an opening, anything. You meant to say “Come on”. Again, sorry to be a grammar nazi. It's really very minor.
Now back to the scenario. Raiden did a good job trying to keep the Og Nag from spotting him. That and keeping his comrade safe. And we go back to the armor. Spikes are a theme with this army right? It indicates combat and is symbiotic with war.
So Raiden has a beard? I can see you held off on his description for later for a good reason. It helps us paint a better picture of your character. Personally I am the opposite. I have to describe everything at once. I heard that's not good and it's something else I need to work on. I just worry if I don't describe everything right away, then well I dunno. But you know when to give enough details and when not too.
Gah, so many Og Nag! I could feel a suffocation in my chest when I read that part. And this line was clever “Who knows Raiden, maybe friendship is magic.” Title drop and maybe a hint of things to come.
And the ending.......okay. Well it was well for a lack of better word, good. There was a sense of urgency and desperation within the air of the section, nay the entire chapter. And when people are desperate, they do desperate things. This final act of striking the orb could prove fatal, or to a great outcome. We shall see.
Well that's my review. Lengthiest thing I have ever written. Review wise that is. But I think I did a good job. If I need to improve anywhere, or you think there were some things I should have commented on, please let me know. Again, I am glad you broke up the story up into smaller sections. I think part of the reason I was giving short reviews is the part length was overwhelming me. This new way of writing it out is easier to read and feels like an actual story. I think I might try a chapter a day approach. That way I can do it bit by bit instead of all at once. Of course it also depends upon my job and working on my own writings.
Until next time....
7002577 Thanks for the review! Ya I type at work when there's nothing to do, but the keyboard is sticky so I double press keys a lot. Basically the point of his world being in total war is the massive shift in personality he has to come t terms with when he gets to Equestria.
Celestia needs a good slap to get it through her skull that maybe she should listen to the guys who have been fighting this enemy and know how they work
Okay. Onto Chapter 2! Got my soda, my music, all my reading fuel ready for me. Let's begin.
First off, great opening. Personally I don't want to imagine my body being shifted like that. Stretching but without hurting. It sounds disturbing in its own right. Now based on what I have read, I kind of get the feeling Raiden was looking at alternate versions of himself. Like he was being transferred to another plane of existence and looking out the windows. And first off, I can tell right away that is the Tree of Harmony talking. Being gender neutral, I think it is appropriate giving it a male and female voice.
A swift shift in scenery. Why I think they are in Equestria. And it must be a shock to them. Seeing as they have probably known only of war most of their lives, they probably don't know how to process the concept of a peaceful world. And the Og Nag fled? Are they planning something? From the first chapter, I didn't strike them as an intelligent race, but who knows? I could have read it wrong, or maybe there is more about them revealed later.
Wow. This chapter was a lot shorter than the last. But the ending was a good indication of what was to follow. Their first pony sightings. I don't like the king though. The mention of the minister being his minion, and the fact that Raiden felt him being alive was unfortunate doesn't indicate he is a good guy.
Well seeing as this chapter was short, I probably should stop here. But I wanted to at least say some more things about the chapter. First off, the first chapter was a lot better in my opinion. The action scenes kept it going and the whole desperation within it kept it fresh and alive. This scenario is more peaceful, like a calm before the storm. Then again, that's what it could be, a calm before the storm.
Now as for the characters that stood out the most. Well really the one who stood out the most to me was Raiden. He adjusted to his situation rather well. At first he may have thought he was dreaming, but he quickly adjusted to reality. He strikes me as the kind of guy who is good under pressure. That's a good trait to have. And I really get the feeling he doesn't like the king, yet he still sticks by him. That's loyalty, but I get the idea he is loyal to his country and fellow soldiers and only follows the king out of obligation. If I am using the right word.
Well, short as it was, it was a nice peaceful chapter. I will try and get to the next one tomorrow. You know? I am starting to find this way of reviewing a lot easier than the way I used to.
See you next time!
7005173 Ya this chapter and the next one were suppose to be combined, but google docs hates me lol. As far as the first chapter vs the second, it's suppose to detail the differences between his world and there's which comes up later. I think it's chapter three where things resume. Ah, yeah chapter three. I may need to combine them, I don't know yet.
Okay. Chapter 3 now! Sorry for being two days late, but like I said, usually when I get home from work I am so drained I just want to veg out. I was lucky enough to write some of my stuff. Well, let's begin.
I see Raiden is taking charge again. He knows how to command, and I can just tell the other soldiers respect him. You kept the emotion in the first paragraph well. It was short in your mention of him feeling real grass, but it was believable. And wow, second paragraph and we already have another mood turner. I didn't expect one of the soldiers to act just like that. But it goes with your earlier mention of them seeing grass for the first time. This contrasts with the war torn world they grew up in. Seeing something opposite of what you are used to could make anyone act strange and spontaneous.
And now we enter the two sisters. I see you described them well. Frankly I think anyone would be in awe at the sight of them. To be honest I've always liked the two sister's. Just something about them appeals to me. And I would also have that reaction if a horse started talking to me. Well to be honest, I probably wouldn't scream. Just would feel a shiver up my back and remain quiet. Though Raiden's reaction is pretty accurate once he finds his words.
You portray Celestia just as she is in the show. Though I am no expert at keeping people in character. I could easily see her helping out the soldiers. It makes sense considering she is the ruler of a land of peace. Not much else I can say on this part.
And so we reach the end. Another short chapter, but it was still good nonetheless. Now as for the character that stood out the most, I would have to say Raiden again. He was the POV character so it made sense for him to offer the most in this chapter. All of his reactions were as I stated before, believable, and just fit him. Least that's what I feel based on what I have seen of him so far. Celestia was also pretty good in this chapter. She was just perfect in characterization and actions.
Well I'm keeping it short for now. But let's see how the rest of the story will go?
Will the Princesses be badass in this story?
7016059 I'm glad you're still alive. Are you still working on your stories?
7021673 all three princesses get their chance to shine. I also give Luna and Celestia their equal shares of ups and downs.
Nice. Actually really enjoyable. I'm looking forward to the continuation.
7029228 they're in the middle of a war that goes balls to the walls brutal so good timing for youlol
7029874 Yeahp! Let the carnage begin!
Okay. I am back after so long. Been doing other things in the meantime, writing related. Some things not. But I am here to offer another review. Got my music on and I am ready to go!
Let's start.
Drapes are a good way to go. I'm sure the king would raise a lot of questions if he brought in two talking magical ponies. Random thought, but for some reason I could see the king having a beard. Don't remember if you described him having one or not. But I think it would fit him. Beards and kings just go together. Anyway, back to the story. Well the king seems jovial. Kind of a contrast compared to how Raiden seems to imply about him. But that could bely some ulterior motive.
Well things seem to be going well, and then BAM! They talk! Okay the king's reaction is again contrast to some earlier comments Raiden had been saying. But maybe he has two sides? Anyway, the artist line was a good addition. The king must be paranoid. I mean what could an artist do in regards to stealing a throne? Unless he planned to build an art based empire, forged from his own ambitions. Okay. I'm being a bit silly.
Okay, I get it. The king is lying. Wow. The king turns out to be a lying greedy bastard. Character whiplash right there! Okay, reached the end and I must say, the king is a mean bastard. He appears to be a tyrant and honestly, I hope someone overthrows him.
Now overall this was another short and sweet chapter, but it delved a lot into character. Namely I felt the strongest was the king. You portray him as a nice guy early in this chapter, but quickly you delve him into being a cruel paranoid tyrant. Though, honestly, I doubt his conquer Equestria dreams probably won't end well. I mean Celestia and Luna are pretty much goddesses in terms of power and status, so I doubt the ideals of one power obsessed man will amount to anything substantial. But I suppose I shall see.
Well overall a good chapter.
keep up the good work. love the story
Well I am back. After beating Chrono Trigger and completing the outline for my novel, I feel a little read and relax is in order. Well read, review, and relax. Let's get started shall we?
Good opening so far. I like the reference to Luna's cape of bats. Luna has always been more intriguing to me then her sister. Something about the night has always allured me than the morning. I guess maybe because in the morning I have to get up for work, and I want to sleep in lol.
You know? I noticed that none of the MLP villains have ever been killed. Well save for Sombra, or if you follow the comics than disregard the Sombra comment. But most of the time the villains don't die. They are either depowered or imprisoned. I guess killing off baddies wouldn't do for a show about friendship and understanding. I guess seeing something like this is a little new for Raiden. I guess in idyllic lands like Equestria things are picture perfect. I admit sometimes I wish Equestria would be a tad darker. I mean everything can't be perfect.
So they have gotten to the palace. I gotta say, I've always found that Equestrian buildings are always larger on the inside than they are on the outside. I guess that could be cartoon physics but I dunno. Overall it was a nice description of the palace. Very show accurate. And so we end with the introductions. Wow. I find my reviews are getting a bit shorter with each one. But I guess that depends on the length of the chapters. And this one was short.
But it was as good as the rest. So don't doubt that. Well I guess the full introductions to Canterlot will happen in the next chapter. I am eager to see how that plays out.
7093282 Unfortunately you're in the slower part of the story. Raiden has to learn about their lands ect ect. don't worry, you're almost there. i might go through and extend them sometime though, i forgot how abruptly they end
Okay. I have returned and now onto chapter 6.
The opening. So far so good. I like how you entailed Celestia and Luna having some anxiety in regards to the meeting. Wow. Raiden must be really used to being treated like dirt if he expects there to be a fight between he and the sisters. I suppose that comes with the territory in being raised in a war torn world. I do like how he had planned all of this out. He is not a fool. He knows what he is doing.
Okay in the conversation I noticed something
I slowly nod, as I take a few more steps across the room towards the Princess, my eyes still on the murals. “There’s not much to tell. Our people have been at war long before I was born. Life expectancy is early 30s if you’re lucky.” I eye the paintings up and down a bit, before making just a few more casual steps. Luna joins in “Why is your world like this? Do your people not want peace?” I turn to face her “Our world was attacked a long time ago. Since then, trust is difficult to find, with peace being nothing but a distant fairytale.”
The part where Luna speaks I think should be a separate sentence. Least that is just me. To be honest I know nothing about grammar so I can't be entirely sure.
Ugh I hate colds. I just hope the people with Mana Feer don't suffer from sore throats. Those are the parts of colds I hate the most.
Okay. To be honest I myself wondered if the orbs were somehow connected to Equestria. I mean Equestria is magic central so it wouldn't be a big stretch of imagination of the orbs came from them. I can see Celestia getting angry in regards to them. Or rather the prospect of her country being threatened. Though Celestia is merciful, one mustn’t forget she is an alicorn with god like power. She is not one to be trifled with.
Going further in, I wonder if the associate Celestia was talking about was Star Swirl the Bearded? It sure sounds like it. And Luna sure knows how to make an entrance. And going further down we see that Luna and Raiden have gotten into an argument. You know? In a way, I think Luna and Raiden are similar. Just something about them seems to resonates. But I sensed a feeling of inferiority with Luna in regards to Celestia. It makes sense considering that despite them ruling together, Celestia has ruled for over 1000 years by herself and has had time to become beloved. Luna must still be living in that shadow. Raiden though not the same circumstances, is under the thrall of the jerkass king.
And we see that the conversation has turned into a joyful one. Not much to say about it that it was very nice and brought a smile to my face.
Well in closing, I would say that the stronger character in this was a mix between Luna and Raiden. Both had their strong points. But I would say Raiden was stronger due to being the POV character. I could sense his desire to find some real answers. And it was more to him because he had lived in the war torn hell and wanted it to end. I mean if you were living in a war torn world with no facts as to why, I'm sure you would be eager to discover the truth. His anger seemed real. That's all I have to say.
Now I close this by saying good chapter.
Ah so the physic is controlling Luna then?
7130104 I know you'll probably roll your eyes, but you'll just have to wait and see
Writer's block can sometimes lead you to places. It can make you stuck, and it can make you think. But I decided to take a break from chiseling in order to read some more. Let's start
So far Luna is all Raiden can think about huh? And the scene with the fillies, it really reminds me of childhood when you encounter someone new. Overall it is a cute scene and it shows Raiden's lighthearted side. I assume he has one despite living in a world of constant war. And the cuteness continues as they all appear before him. Raiden really is good with children. That is both surprising and not surprising. I mean Raiden appears to be a good guy so it makes sense he would be good with kids. And the kids acting all curious about a new creature.
And in comes Luna. So they go for a stroll and we see Raiden is still a little flustered around her. And I can see the chemistry is going well. I like it so far I gotta say. And I can see that Raiden is torn between telling the truth or being loyal to his king. It's a tough choice. I would probably say tell them the truth, but Raiden was raised within the kingdom and thus it would be hard to shake off what they have taught him. And loyalty to his fellow soldiers. In all he is kind of in a no win situation. I mean could you imagine if war broke out between the humans and the ponies? Could be one sided considering that they ponies have greater numbers and magic.
Well I am going to close out today. But before I go, I just wanted to say the strongest character here was Luna. Her playful side really shined and it was really good to see that considering usually in the show, she is so serious. Raiden would come in a second place in terms of standing out in this chapter.
Well keep up the good work my friend.
Simple. Nuke 'em from orbit!
7173354 Only way to be sure.
Finally back to reading this. Let's get started shall we?
Well the opening is great. You can really feel Raiden's pain. But all is well and he goes to sleep.
And now the dream sequence.
Okay good start off. Nice part with Luna. And we can see they have a unique punishment. At first I thought they were just going to kill him outright. But first they strip him and starve him. Humiliation with torture I see. I can see the soldiers are enjoying it. Sadistic lot if you ask me. Being near a monarchy like the king probably bred people like that. And crying in the clouds? That has to be Luna. Okay now the dream has changed into a battle scene. It's a pretty good battle scene if I say so. Og Nag are vicious bastards.
And now back to the torture. Being dragged through town and humiliated. Wow this is a pretty messed up dream. Personally I don't think I would be able to take it if I was being displayed as a monster for everyone. And I just pictured the taste of that tomato.
Yeah, I can tell this is Luna talking. And the dream ends.
Well my thoughts on it. Personally I think this would have worked better if it was being described in the present tense instead. I'm probably not explaining it well, but for some reason I felt it shouldn't be revealed this is a dream. Write it as if it was actually happening. Okay, I'm not sure I am explaining it well. The scene above was good, I just felt like it could have been done differently.
Moving on......
Oh the dream is still going on. That surprised me. When you mentioned him waking up I thought the dream was ending. More message arrows. And this time they are delivering food. And it continues on for a while I see, and we can see that Raiden is really determined. Good for him. But I see they caught him. And now psychological torture. The King really knows how to break a guy. And the voice in the clouds again. I just know it is Luna. Hey if this is a dream, she is probably watching this right?
And it ends. Nice song that Luna sang. So far this chapter was pretty good. It didn't disturb me. But I am the kind of guy who can take a lot of disturbing crap thrown at him.
The strongest character of course was Raiden. He really kept himself sane while he was being tortured. Though it made sense considering it was a dream. No matter what dreams can't really hurt us. Unless this is Nightmare on Elm Street.
Still I think the dream sequence could have been done a little differently. I'm not sure if I can describe it in words, but that's just how I feel. It was still good however.
7228454 So you're thinking it would be better as if he was remembering it, and it was told as it was happening, instead of a choppy dream sequence? I considered doing that, but I'd have to include a long thing of details and at the time I just wanted the chapter over with.
Grime.
7238205 Doh! Thanks lol
7242622
vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/e/e1/FANMADE_Luna_I_see_what_you_did_there.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20130405221911
Wow that armor must be expensive seeing how you have a lot more metal used also I assume the enemy is unarmored or the spikes would be useless weight seeing as shoulder ramming someone in steel plate is not advisable even with spikes and kicking well have fun falling on your back from a push although the intimidation factor could be useful
eh im just nitpicking
7253478 Basically King Hurrand ordered a bunch of cosmetic adjustments to the armor that the soldiers hate but they can't do anything about because, well, he's the friggin king lol
7288176 Ya that's back when I had honestly just started writing seriously. I kept meaning to proofread all of it but I got so sick of reading the chapters at the time lol
Lol, Hurrand is a king alright! The king of all dicks ;p
Many people will probably come up with cruel and torturous fates for Hurrand and the minister, but to be honest, not only are they not worth the effort, but doing so would simply serve to validate their over-inflated egos.
No, the cruelest and most fitting punishment for monsters such as them is actually quite simple.....lock them up. No big declaration, no-over-the top public execution, no grand spectacle, no indication of importance whatsoever, just plain old life in prison.
7310985 I've been pondering what would be more interesting: Raiden being in a position where he can't kill Hurrand or choosing not to.
7311009 Before I answer that, I'd like to point out 4 general outcomes you're probably gonna have to choose from regarding the fate of the douche-bags. (ahem)
1:Over the top, pro=satisfying, con=possible ooc actions for the protag, and/or causing the ponies to see him differently.
2:Underwhelming, pro=fitting punishment for their personalities, con=might leave some readers a bit unsatisfied.
3:Middle ground, pro=low-risk option from a writing standpoint, con=slight chance to be seen as 'generic' if handled poorly.
4:Outside forces get them before Raiden does, most likely either a rebellion or the Og Nag, pro=wat a tweest! con=copout.
...Now that I've got that out of my system, to answer your question regarding which situation would be more interesting, I give you a quote from one of the most renowned individuals in U.S. history:
actlikeaman.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/lincoln-character.jpg
7311089 *Insert image of Rarity saying "No spoilers"*
That being said, the storyline I have written gets kinda crazy. I love that quote though, it' one of my favorites.
i found alot of plotholes here i will have to read further too see if i like it or not
7329479 PM them to me please, would rather not post spoilers in the comments
Okay. Back after a long absence! I gotta say the main reason I haven't been reading or reviewing for a while was lack of motivation. The same applied to my writing. I was working on a story I wasn't really motivated to write (that's passed though). Now let's get down to business.
Good opening so far. Excellent description of the battle from before. Those Og Nag just don't give up do they? And we can see more of the king's cruelty. Dang you really have portrayed humans as bastards in this story. Not that I'm complaining. I mean it adds something to the story. Not sure what but I guess substance is the right word? But we can see with Raiden there are some good humans out there. That's what I like in stories that portray some humans in negative light, a little good to balance them out.
And we see some conflict in this chapter. The Og Nag attacking and Celestia needs some help. To be honest I like it when Equestria faces a conflict. It destroys the otherwise peaceful serene that sometimes becomes too saccharine for my tastes. And I like how you explain vehicles in this world. It's creative and a good precursor to automobiles. I just wonder if these fantasy worlds can develop such a thing in the future?
They arrive and everything is fine. And oh wait. It was a trick! The Og Nag are smarter than I gave them credit for. I initially thought them as mindless brutes. But this shows some of intelligence. Well they would have to be crafty if they were sieging a city for years.
And the chapter ends with the battle about to commence. Celestia is really a caring ruler, thinking about her people first and foremost. And I do like how Raiden had some similar thoughts to me in regards to bad things happening to the world.
Raiden was the best character in this chapter. Not much else for everyone, but Raiden really shined. I liked this chapter most for the new revelations of the Og Nag and the promise of bad things to come. Well hope this was a good review.
7338348 Mind blocking out the parts of your review that are spoilers por favor? And thanks a lot, I've been in the same funk as well.
I love little details like this in the story, which instruct the reader in some manner. :)
I'm loving these little details like you wouldn't believe! :D
Oh my gosh I just LOVE a well-written fight scene! I'm into this, especially when I see smart tacticians using their intellect to overcome stronger or tougher foes. :) You're inspirng me to write stuff again! *Writes down story idea real quickly*
Absolutely loving these little details. I like knowing about how the characters think and what motivates their actions. Good work on that!
Whoa, that's gruesome, but makes them a more feared enemy. Good detail to include!
Ohhh good tactical detail!
I love this action here, even though it's super tricky!
That says everything I need to know about her. Automatically awesome :)
Oh that's an interesting concept. I look forward to this :)
That is frightening, like Lord of the Rings Battle of Helms Deep level frightening.
*Emeris is suddenly hit by lightening from Raiden, the god of Thunder.* :P Naw I kid, I love seeing this joke in different situations even though it's corny :)
I am loving this story! you have an eye for how battle scenes should go. It's thrilling to see this character go through so much turmoil and succeed, only to have such a cliffhanger. Loving this so far! I'm excited! I want to write again! YOUR STORIES KEEP DOING THAT TO ME! :D
You have such skill with writing! :D
7344477 Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you!
Really good chapter intro! Very ethereal imagery which fits perfectly with the setting and story. Favorite line: "My sight travels around my body, as if being carried on a chariot." Beautiful! Even uses imagery befitting of the main character's technological know-how. Nice detail!
I read this twice when I realized where they were. :D
This is a fantastic description of what I assume is the Tree of Harmony. Absolutely gorgeous visuals. Beautiful little details chosen with perfect words to display how magnificent it really is to behold <3 Gosh dang, you've got skill!
ohhhh I'm really loving that he didn't instantly stay in Equestria in the way I expected, though a few sentences later I can see where this might be going, which i'm really liking. Nice tease! Loving the buildup. :)
Oh shit. That can't be good...
Aww, sadness. But this is war. And that magic teleportation event must've done a number on everyone. It is realistic to expect that some would not make it.
Nice tease! Loving these little moments taht keep leading up to something bigger. :)
I like this indication that there is still potential backstabbing that has to be stopped within the ranks. Especially since this is mentioned at the end of the chapter. Will be interesting to see how this bit of a sly cliffhanger plays out. :)
I am LOVING this story! You're doing a fantastic job of this sword and sorcery tale! And I absolutely ADORE the amount of buildup you're bringing to it. I'm glad to see an author who takes their time with making the transporation from one world to another something that needs to be savored. It's good to see all those key little moments where the characters try to figure things out so they can understand what's going on and react to it in more realistic ways within a more reasonable time frame than the super-quick travel-to-Equestria-and-instantly-meet-Ponies scenario.
Keep up the writing! you're doing amazing!
7347777 You are WAY too kind lol. Reread it and spotted a small typo .I swear I always miss one or two lol
HAH! I love how quickly they get ready after being so informal :)
OH MY GOSH I love the fact that after this great description of Celestia, the protagonist ends the observation like this. It is perfect, and it shows his character in such a simple and effective way, as well as how he thinks.
Ohhh this is a great detail that many writers overlook. It's refreshing to see it mentioned :)
I LOVE THIS. I Have never seen anyone treat the first meeting with the mlp horses as though they were lost royal horses, even less so with the Princesses. Oh this is getting beautiful...
: I
This is going to be good. :)
That is the most realistic reaction I've ever seen to a horse talking in any MLP fic ever. :D :D :D
“I…I’m Captain Raiden. We’re…um…where we come from…your species hasn’t…um…well they don’t talk. They’re for riding and labor like any other animal could be...not that I'm saying you'reanimals it's just... I…I’m sorry it’s just…talking horses…I…”
Speech Skill Check failure on poor Raiden's part :P Very realistic reactions and I'm loving em' :)
Also a great description of their first experience with magic :)
Luna, you adorable troll <3 :)
I love that as a bit of light-hearted fun, the soldiers are willing to freak out the king just for kicks :)
Ohhhh I see some sparksssss.... :P
This is getting so good! I love watching the cultural interaction between the two groups. That's actually one of my favorite story themes, when you see two societies, usually very alien to one another, get to know each other. :) Loving this!
7353526 My initial thoughts were "How would a human going to Equestria react when they first see them?" So I thought about how I would actually feel meeting them and the scene kinda wrote itself. Also it was my first chance to how Emeris and his social abilities. After rereading through my chapters, there's so much more I want to add, and you're actually jut a single chapter behind of my editing process lol.
Why is this story rated m?
7355461 Gore
7355574 Thanks for the awesome song! Added it to my playlist!