My name is Bon, Bon Bon.
Many of you do not know me. Many of you may not understand what I do. Yet I will tell you one thing. Many of my actions are hidden away for the benefit of ponykind. I walk a hidden path that no one can follow. Not even those that I love.
This means that my only form of family and a normal life are out of my reach and should remain that way. For if the truth was to be told the land would surely fall victim. Dark work is happening besides us and to the secret agents of the crown, we commit the deeds that need not be witnessed.
Even from your own eyes my beloved daughter.
Chapters (2)
umm the chapter isnt loading for me I keep getting th 404 messege
8783702
I apologize. Been doing some minor revisions on my phone and I pressed unpublished by accident. Should be back up.
8783708
alright thanks
I'll get around to reading this and leaving a more substantial comment later, but for now... you have a typo in your short description (If I remember correctly, Rarity is called "Rairty"
8783928
Interesting. Please let me know what you think. It's good to be back into writing now.
This is really good so far! I am greatly enjoying it, and this is just the first chapter! Any idea when the next one is coming out?
8784060
Hm. I'm already underway for the next chapter. Though it won't be completed until a couple of other stories are released from my end.
Truth be told I am coming back from a 2 year hiatus. I have aome ideas to release before my focus is actually shifted onto an idea.
well things went from zero to one hundred real fast
8788100
Such is the life of the Agents of the Crown. It's why they're forbidden to have a normal life. They have to devote themselves to potential chaos looming besides their society.
8788127
now I feel sad for them
8783994
And hey, I actually deliver! Eventually...
Wouldn't it be "hoof" considering this is Bon Bon's thought?
Don't need the "so"
Quivering isn't something you can do "to myself". Maybe "I quivered as my mind ran through the reasons why I shouldn't stay here longer."
Also, watch your tenses. "If I had just turned away now" is contradictory. It either needs to be "If I just turn away now" which emphasizes that it happens as the sentence appears, or "If I had just turned away" which emphasizes that the choice has already come and gone. If the choice was in the past, you'd also need to say "It all could have been avoided". This isn't the only time tenses were faulty, you switched quite a bit between Bonny thinking in the present and past tense. Just for the sake of example:
Within one paragraph, we bounce from past (it played), to present (I find myself), to past again (why was). It's best to make a decision on how you want the story told tense-wise and stick to it (Telling it as though you or Bon Bon were relating past events, or as Bon Bon's present stream of conscience, not both mixed together without a clear break between them.)
You also had a tendency to make sentences/paragraphs choppier than they need to be with extra commas and periods. For example:
Just imagine there was a pause with every comma and a slightly longer pause with every period, just as you'd probably read it aloud. If you cut the unnatural pauses in the above sentence you're left with "I believe it was you who...". This may seem like it makes the sentence a bit too long, but as long as it seems natural to read both in your head and aloud, it's probably fine. If not, just work on shortening the sentence a bit rather than awkwardly cutting it. Another example:
This should all be one sentence which, though on the edge of being annoyingly long, is better than the original which left the second sentence incomplete. If you isolated the second sentence, it doesn't work on its own as it has no object for the melting.
Those are the two main problems I found while reading grammar-wise. In the way of plot, the idea is very interesting and I think you've done a good job with it. The only thing I'd really like to see is a clearer explanation of the organization Bon Bon is a part of and why she can't/wouldn't just retire and raise Sweetie herself, especially considering a former member of the organization is apparently raising Sweetie anyways. Basically, it feels like the organization really shafted Bon Bon and her partner and I'm not sure I fully understand why Bon Bon went along with it all.
That all being said... Though it may not seem like it, I did enjoy this chapter beyond my critiquing. I just want to see it get better. Such an original idea certainly deserves more attention than it's gotten.
... And this chapter just makes me reiterate my previous concern about why Hondo could even adopt Sweetie in the first place if Bon Bon could not keep her. Other than that, I loved the interaction between Bonnie and Sweetie and am really interested to see where the ending part goes.
8788422
Try reading it outloud in a dramatic fashion. Also her thoughts are in conflict with two morals. What it it is to be family and what morals there is to serve a duty. So the ideas are suppose to be conflicting since she believes she has rights but knows better as one of the best. Its thoughts between Sweetie Drops and Bon Bon as a whole. Whixh leads me to my next idea of ptsd suddenly taking a toll on mentality and then she'll be talking to herself. A surprise which may be ruined at this point.
Also the organization is suppoae to be a mystery so I eas hoping to leave that at that. Where even the agents don't fully understand it.
The blind soldier routine is what I was going for. Though I do agree I end up making things choppy but the details and time I do spend on a certain thought are above average in length. So I'm cutting down on hovering along my character words and choices to make room for other things and also to shorten the load.
Stories that give an idea of how ran off I use to be is 'Love is Choatic, Chaos is Lovable' and 'The Colt Inside.' With chapters spanning to over 10,000 words to close to 20,000 words a chapter.
Long story short joined a writer's competition and kept losing die to word restrictions. Wasn't fun writing fractions of my ability and unable to properly cut them into appropriate lengths.
Though thanka for the feedback. It's taken into consideration.
8788100
I agree! Great chapter, keep up the good work!
More plz