In this alternate universe, the Changeling invasion never occurs. As Twilight Sparkle falsely accuses her innocent future sister-in-law of being evil, those dearest to her begin to doubt her. She is thrown into despair, unknowing her life is about to take a dramatic turn.
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I think it's terrible and totally out of character and I hope AJ gets called out by everyone else for unnecessary cruelty.
For one thing, who are Shining and Cadance to AJ? Absoultely no one, especially for someone she's fought beside
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Noted. I appreciate the feedback and will work on character accuracy harder moving forward.
Feedback....Hmm.... Other than noting the leather belt that these dragons had, you didn't really describe them. What is it that Twilight saw that made them different than every other dragon she had seen?
And how far from Canterlot was Twilight? From Canterlot, it seems she traveled less than a day - which means that unless she took the train she can't be far. And these dragons, if Twilight doesn't recognize them, must be from another country, and Canterlot is almost in the middle of Equestria. If they are just seeking a slave or a "trophy wife" then why don't they do that closer to the border of Equestria?
-Other than that I really enjoy the premise of the story - that Cadence wasn't actually a changeling. Also, I didn't read the earlier version with AJ in it, but I think that the scene with Cadence and Shining seems appropriate. However, if Twilight ran off I wonder what the rest of the Mane 6 are doing. How long will it be until they notice that their friend has vanished?
And now, onto the second chapter!
Nitpick Cental.... I mean feedback central! Remember, I'm not trying to be rude, since you asked for feedback, I'm giving you my honest thoughts about different parts of the story.
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I think you should specify that the room is made of these boards, because my first thought, when you phrased it like that, was that she herself was stuck inside of a box - and maybe that is the case. If it is the case I would emphasize how small the room is. The line
makes it seem like the room is large, but everything else you say about it makes it seem small.
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Instead of saying "She said," maybe you could say, "The voice said." And then give the audience a hint as to why it might be feminine.
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I think you should have a break right before this because this is slightly disjointed from the earlier part of the story. Add a * * * above it. And is this referring to time on the boat, or time spent traveling to the boat?
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I feel like the scene with Celestia looking for Twilight was well done.
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Seriously? I mean, I know that Twilight is one of the bearers of the elements of harmony, but still it doesn't mean that the country should stop just because one pony went missing. And, from the way those dragons acted, they've done this before. Why wasn't such a hullabaloo made when the other ponies with Twilight went missing? And what about any previous raids that these dragons have been on?
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The scene with the Mane 6 feels appropriate although I might have done their dialogue differently - however, this is just a matter of how I view their voices and dialogue to be.
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The scene where Twilight arrives at the new land also seems appropriate. My only want is to know more of what it was like on it the boat and traveling to the boat. The way these first two chapters are written it seems like the following happened.
1. Twilight was kidnapped and was roughed up.
2. Twilight awoke on a boat in a box and stayed trapped inside there for 4 days.
3. Twilight arrived at the new land.
It was mentioned that Twilight was used to being roughed up, but from what the reader is given this doesn't seem to be true. Just a paragraph or so that describes some of what she endured would clarify this.
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All very good points. Since the edits will be minor, ill apply them asap. Thank you.
Hmm, Twilight's current predicament reeks of too good to be true.
I hope I'm wrong.
6792591 "if it's too good to be true, it probably is."
But thats not for another couple of chapters or so. Muwahaha.
Really good story so far. Hope to see more soon.
6929745 glad you like it! I will be trying to write more soon. Thank you!
This is interesting. I hope you continue.
Anymore?
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Coming soon, I hope.
7485119 cool
oh so Twilight was wrong in this fic, just to be clear?
I hope the story isn't dead. I really want to see more!
Awww.. Hoping this picks up again soon, I'm already hooked.
Wow, the whole premise is interesting. I really really hope this will be continued!
if the autor is dead, the story is dead
Welp, it's dead alright. Damn shame, too. This was looking interesting.
When’s the next chapter?
7485119
are you ok? the last time that you were online was November 29th 2016. please don't give up on this story, its really good. what happened to the author?
I really hope that you will come back and write some more. You got a like from me!
I hope you can continue. This is interesting.
A continuity ended before it began.
New chapter?