Fire, it was stolen from the gods. Magic, however, was given as a gift. When you do something your not supposed to, you get punished, but what happens when you don't want the gift from the powers greater than you. Twilight Sparkle acquires one such gift after a strange book appears in her basement. Now Twilight and friends will be thrown into a situation were anything the may or may not do will cause wars to end, or even begin. They must also face the lords of the old world, who are legends in their own rights, and must acquire unbelievable power to combat such a threat. The lords are not the threat though, it's the gods, they want the magic back. Remember, all a fire needs is a little fuel to burn, but what happens when that fuel, is you?
First story so constructive criticism is encouraged and appreciated.
Rated Teen for innuendos and such.
Any constructive criticism on any part of the chapter is appreciated. I am also looking for a Pre-Reader if anypony on here is willing, if so just send a pm.
I sure hope you have more to write, i do find the rather interesting
Interesting. I do hope the next part explains some things. That was a bit confusing at the end. Tracked!
ano.. its really good and all and i can't wait to see more...
But I feel you could do better, your writing seemed very... inconsistent in the middle of the chappie... I couldn't tell why there were so many scene changes, the transitions didnt seem to be anywhere except for the fact of it being a scene change line... it took me a bit to realize you were jumping a bit in time... so umm try to fix that for later? also if you wouldnt mind specifying who was talking more often that would be appreciated, just be sure to not use the word "said" over and over.. it makes it stagnant and boring and can ruin stories... though I admit I am a bit tired and might have just missed those parts.. if so.. sorry
again, really good story and I can't wait for the update, and I would like long chappies, I am okay with waiting, don't rush on anypony's account 'cause they are impatient..
surprising
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By surprising you mean?
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Thanks for the tip!
Yeah, I have also been writing and uploading this with my phone...
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good
Very nice! You have me intrigued. The segues between scene breaks are a bit odd but I'm getting used to them. Keep up the good work!
Very interesting. Can't wait for the.next chapter. Definetly watching this.
Okie Dokie Loki! I shall help!
Ok, the basic structure is.... inconsistent. A few sentences aren't worded as well as they could be, and a couple are just run-ons. It would also be wise to use a thesaurus to ensure that you don't repeat words often, it makes the sentence's less repetitive. Repetitiveness is the bane of any fan fic author that wants to be taken seriously.
As for the characterization, try running the whole situation through your head and try to vision it. if they seem OoC, (Out of Character) then try and re-characterize them. If you are having a lot of trouble with this, then try doing it after watching a few episodes of MLP, it will give your mind a more concrete image of how and what a character acts and behaves. But remember to watch episodes that are relevant to the situation you are using; a comedy episode won't help much if you want heart withering drama and angst, and a serious episode, like the season 2 finale, won't help as much for a comedy fic as Feeling Pinkie keen.
And if you cannot find a episode that fits the mood you want to set, feel free to look through other fan fictions. My only word of advice for that is that you make sure that they are good with their characterization, or you would do more harm then good.
Hope that helped a smidgen!
Also.... On a unrelated note, do you have a beta? I have been thinking about going back into writing, and I thought that beta-ing for somepony would help me get back into the.... Saddle.
No pun intended.
Well I think chapters about this size are more preferable in my opinion. I am still interested
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Quick update here, I am going to be changing the rating to mature, mostly because I want to be on the safe side of things
Opinions on this change are appreciated!
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um, i am okay with it, just don't make it centered around mature themes... if you wouldnt mind that is...
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I agree with you on that, I don't want to base it off of mature themes, but the more adult emotions behind those characters as I develop them.
stunning
Intriguing!
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Thanks to both of you!
Awesome Portal reference!
Bah!
I have decided to Re-re-change this BACK to Teen I am doing this because I think that I don't really need to have adult emotions, sorry about the indecisiveness. Btw a chapter edit was also done to chapter 3. You pony's know why...
Glad I gave it a try, a fav, and like! Can't wait for more...
One thing for you all, Burn Bright, Burn Blue. Eternal.
(Echo Side)
i find the concept rather interesting, going to read in a little bit, i am in love with all twidash fics
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I do have to ask, what do you mean by "another Twidash fic like this."?
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It's a Twidash fic, how can they NOT save the world.
Interesting.. you have my attention lol. Dash a bit OOC but I can live with it
I came here from Peroth E.'s page and I have to say the story is very interesting. Quick tip tough try not to put large paragraphs in italics. Doing so makes it hard to read. Other than that all i noticed was a few quotation quirks (at least I think they are quirks.)
"Even as smart as you are and as hard as you try, your wings still aren't strong enough to properly support flying yet, you still need to wait two more years so that they can grow big enough. Rainbow Dash groaned with displeasure. But, when they do, I am sure that you'll beat everyone at flying, because you know SO MUCH about it." She smiled softly at her daughter.
I belive you ment...
"Even as smart as you are and as hard as you try, your wings still aren't strong enough to properly support flying yet, you still need to wait two more years so that they can grow big enough." Rainbow Dash groaned with displeasure. "But, when they do, I am sure that you'll beat everyone at flying, because you know SO MUCH about it." She smiled softly at her daughter.
I don't think her mom is narrating her displeasure.
"Yeah we were just finishing our discussion, he had a grin on his face, hey Dash how about I give you your surprise early?"
shouldn't this be..
"Yeah we were just finishing our discussion", he had a grin on his face," hey Dash how about I give you your surprise early?"
or something along those lines.
"W-what's going dad? Why are you yelling?" Rainbow Dash had entered the room to find her dad and big brother yelling at each other, what for, she didn't know, but it scared her all the same."
The last quotation mark isn't nessesary.
It is honestly nitpick stuff and im sorry if I annoyed you by pointing them out.
I was just doing as you asked and pointing out mistakes, or what I thought were mistakes..
If you want me to I can go through chapter 1 and 2 to see if I can find more, but all together your story is great so far.
I like how this story is going.
Faved and liked. 
It has elements to it that remind me of two of my top favorite fics on this site, but with new interesting twists.
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Sure! Any critique you have for me would be great!
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I have to ask which two stories does mine remind you of so much?
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One is Growing Pains (which I think you know about), and Backwards Through the Mirror. For the latter, the similarity comes from the Library and some of the changes in Twilight's appearance; however, the role they play in that story is quite different from the purpose in this story.
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Yes to Growing Pains, I actually asked her if I could continue my story since I realized after writing the first 3 chapters (as I hadn't known of Growing until just recently), that a good bit of the story elements are the same. The second one I just heard of, though now that you mention there are similarities I am thinking that I should read it, if not to see the roles that these changes have in the story. I have to say though thanks for responding quickly. Though I am having a tad bit a of writer's block on a particular scene right now, not with the way it plays out though, it is just that I can't find the right words to fit it.
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The relavent chapters of Backwards Through the Mirror are the first two, which are the only ones to have been reached so far in an on going rewrite.
P.S.:
Flaming Twilight is Awesome Twilight.
Hey everypony! I am putting this here so that I can ask that, if you favorite the story, if you could possibly comment on what you liked/disliked about it so far, and also inform me of any errors spotted. Thanks ahead of time!
I gave it a read... I like it enough to favorite and upvote. Story has real potential and I can see the comparison to Growing Pains and Backwards Through the Mirror.
Get a proof reader/editor to clean it up and you have a great story here.
I like powerful Twilight Sparkle! Can't wait to see her show off some of her new abilities.
She was suddenly help upright by somepony. "Woah, hold on er' RD, you know you shouldn' go runnin roun' when yer' worse'n a calf'n a barn fire!"
Only one word in that sentance really need to be changed in my opinion
She was suddenly help upright by somepony. "Woah, hold on er' RD, you know you shouldn' go runnin round when yer' worse'n a calf'n a barn fire!"
that just makes it sound like it flows better, other than that I said the sentance a few times and that is pretty much dead on with the southern accent.
I am from Tennessee by the way, just so you know im not blowing smoke with what I say.
"Oh no, as long as you're alright we'll be fine, if that's okay with you."
The "if that's okay with you." part seems a little unneeded on that part. In my opinion Fluttershy would be a tad bit to worryed to be asking if it was okay.
Once again nitpick stuff nothing major. I have to say though I usually cannot reread a story until i forget alot of it, but I still remembered the entire story and I still enjoyed reading it.
"You needn't worry about such a trivial thing, although she was physically injured in your world and will be contacted by my sister, you ceased to exist altogether there...", Twilight nearly screamed in panic, "and were replaced with the sum of your lost knowledge, but her expression was replaced with a look of confusion at his statement, "you recognize this lost knowledge physical state as shadows and ashes...", she hadn't realized what he had meant by this, "in other words, your physical form was substituted with a manifestation of ash, in which it was believed to be a corpse, rather than a scapegoat for the damage".
Missing a quotation mark
"You needn't worry about such a trivial thing, although she was physically injured in your world and will be contacted by my sister, you ceased to exist altogether there...", Twilight nearly screamed in panic, "and were replaced with the sum of your lost knowledge", her expression was replaced with a look of confusion at his statement, "you recognize this lost knowledge physical state as shadows and ashes...", she hadn't realized what he had meant by this, "in other words, your physical form was substituted with a manifestation of ash, in which it was believed to be a corpse, rather than a scapegoat for the damage".
She realized what he had meant...
Just a personal suggestion change this line to something along the lines of....If you want to that is.....
That she understood....
Twilight!?"
Missing a quotation.
"Don't cry youthful one".
Period is on the wrong side of the quotation mark I think. Also again 2 lines down.
Yea I hate pointing out nitpick stuff, so remember you told me too. That is all I found while reading though it. Hope this helped!!!!
I also hope I didn't annoy you with pointing out small things. Love the story so far though.
It's twidash whats not to like.
And Twilight continues to get cooler.
Great googaly wtf am I saying?
Alright, I want to start off by saying I love your story. It is one of the most creative plots I've ever seen, but with that, I want to mention a few flaws in this masterpiece of yours. First of all, you are a great writer, you have a great way of painting a mental picture. That being said, sometimes this story can get quite a bit confusing. It took me a little to realize that this story doesn't much stay in the same place, or time, very often. Which is another flaw I would like to point out... Though you give great detail, you seem to cut scenes muh shorter than they need to be, leaving many readers with unnecessary questions.
I really want to say I appreciate this story and the fact that you've taken so much planning in to this plot. You've even inspired me to get back in to writing!
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I just have to say, thank you. I know this might sound weird but reading your comment about my story is actually making me happy. I have never been a person who stood out, so saying that my story, and my writing, is one of the most creative that you have read, is just awesome. All of the other comments are great in their own right, just, thanks for commenting what you did, just thanks. You have no idea how good it is to know that my story is great to somepony, makes me feel.
Thanks
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Trust me when I say I know how you feel. This story has, in truth, been keeping me on the edge of my seat. I can't say that very often.
The fact that someone likes your story is enough, but isn't it just lovely to get that little bit of criticism that we author's crave? I'm looking forward to the next update, and if you ever need a proofreader, to bounce ideas, or to just talk about ponies, story ideas, etc, message me!
Oh My God, an update
Ohhh fuc* god, you're back!
edit. And is a fuc* god prologue tooo, oh man you got me hyped
I think you're forgetting a word here:
I'm already liking this more than before.
One of the better prologues i have read, looking forward to see how the rest turns out.
Well...colour me intrigued. I'll be tracking this for sure.
In the description:
The comma would look better as a colon or semicolon.
-> you're
-> where
-> they
You might want to say that the lords are not the biggest threat or something like that, since the statement that they need power to combat them wouldn't make sense if you say that they are not a/the threat.
Also, you could use a conjunction for the last part to make it look better. An example could be: "it's the gods, for they want the(maybe instead of "the", you could say "their" if the magic originally belonged to them.) magic back"
-> I'm not sure if that is the right place for a comma, although I might be wrong on that.
In the chapter:
Is that "of sight" necessary? It kinda seems odd to me.
-> either "His vision was taking him" or "His vision took him". I'm not sure which is the right one. Tenses were never my forte.
And again, a better transition would make the sentence look nicer. Something to go between "this time" and the "he could tell" so that it doesn't sound like a break in the sentence.
I assume that you meant the same both times, and while phase and faze sound familiar, they are far from being the same. In this case, phased was the correct choice.
This sentence feels odd too. Try reading it aloud to yourself. Maybe you could give an indication that he had to do another thing, which he didn't like to do? It's kinda hard to explain and I'm not sure about this one, so it may be just a personal preference of mine.
If you are referring to the whole Mare-Do-Well-thing, then maybe you meant something along the lines of "though she was being more modest after some major incident"?
Otherwise it seems like the "that" is referring to the incident and not to her.
And if you ARE referring to the incident, then I'd like to know if it was one from the show and if so, which one. Because I don't really remember any incidents where it would be modest to describe them as major. In that case, maybe you meant minor?
I think there is a grammatic rule against commas in front of an "if". However, you could add something to make it flow better, for example a "for" or "because"(,for if he...|,because if he...).
After the "and": The comma there is wrong.
It should be then and not than.
I'm not that sure on this one, but I think a colon would be correct instead of that period at the end.
Did you mean "in exchange"? Or "and in an exchange"?
The comma is unnecessary.
I didn't know that "farewellled" is a word, but apparently it is, although it is written as one word.
I don't really understand the purpose of that "well". Is is meant like "Well, let's get this party started!"?
Wouldn't "which" work much better in this case?
The "again" kinda breaks the flow of the sentence. Without it, the sentence would sound much better.
The "but other than" implies that something else should be mentioned. Otherwise the sentence seems to be incomplete.
I thought he just used a quarter of his power on the book for Twi. Where else did he spend so much power that another quarter is most of his remaining power?
"Upon each book's finding"
So RD would come AND fly to the library? How about something like "who would likely come|fly to the library to read it immediately."?
That "on" doesn't seem to be correct. Maybe add something like "it would be up to her to decide what would occur next" or a similar reconstruction?
The comma could do much better as a question mark.
Just one last remark: Use this with caution. English is not my original language and my grammatical knowledge is far from perfect, so I can't guarantee the correctness of these notes.
So, now that that is out of the way, I like where you are going with this, much more than the previous version with the two keepers(or what they were called). Also, is he still the same kind of being that he was before?
)
You know, human?I hope you'll give us a new chapter soon.
(After all, it has been more than two weeks.
i see the rewrite has started, which means i can finally start reading it
2130603 Way to become a living auto-correct button.