Just a brony and smash player that loves telling stories. Hopefully I wont be lazy and I'll do something
After redeeming Starlight Glimmer, saving Equestria time and time again, Twilight seems to have finally found peace. But when a mysterious dark winged creature with a mission to completely destroy Equestria, harmony, and friendship threatens all of ponykind, Twilight and her friends must band together to stop him.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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stallion = male adult
cold = male child
mare = female adult
filly = female child
So is she a teacher involved with one of her students, or just an ordinary cradle-robber?
She can't run on her own?
No comment.
6697026
Well thats embarrassing thanks for pointing out the colt thing. Didn't even cross my mind
She's mesmerized by the meteor. I should have made that more apparent
Also more about Dionin will be revealed. I'll use more description for him and get rid of that sentence flat out calling him one.
Thank you for pointing out the errors I went back and revised it.
You seem to have the basics of writing and formatting down, so that's a big plus for your first story. I'd recommend just refining your skills and reading other fictions, as well as finding someone to help give you pointers, like a pre-reader or something. Those are basic things that all of us needed at one point.
Keep rockin' man. A solid first effort.
6699765
Thank you for the feedback! I'll try my best
6697026 Not black lol and silver aint completely white either
All jokkity jokes aside. I enjoy what you attempted here though,
Few things wrong here. One is that you misspelled Now. Secondly and this is a repeated occurrence throughout the story you never capitalize the works after dialogue, which you should. Lastly, you should seperate different actions in a paragraph.
Corrected it'll look like this
On this next one when you use said terms (she said, she replied, she chuckled) you don't cap it in instead of a period you need a comma. Only a period though, if it ends with a ? or ! then no comma, but still no cap.
You also seem to be missing a couple of periods thoughout the rest of chapter two as well. I suggest asking an editor to look at your stuff. Try looking at one of the many editing groups on the site.
Finally, having an alicorn antagonist is fine. But if you want to avoid rampant criticism. Remember three things.
1: Don't be edgy, make him a believable villain without the use of a cliche backstory.(looking at the second chapter I like where you're going with this.)
2: His wings don't have to be a different colour than the rest of his body. Why would it?
3: Don't make him overpowered. You'll end up writing yourself into a corner and ending up with a bad ending.
6700255
I have an ending already in mind, also the color differences do play a role in the story as well as his species. Thank you so much for the feedback
Thank you very much for the feedback the problems will be fixed immediately. I appreciate the help a lot