What kind of Slumber Party is this?
written by Llamas-
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This Has Now Turned Into A Mature Fiction, Be Sure To Change The Rating Because Of The Sex Scene.
indeed what a night
this turned out quite nice :)
6614014 your not the only one who shares that statement sir
That.. Was... HOT!
A little fast but good for a first
This is so... just... FUGIN' FUNNY
6685925 Happy to see that you enjoyed it!
Read the 3 chapters and this is my opinion:
You have good ideas but find difficulties when it comes to write dialogues. Sometimes you will write the dialogue itself ("blabla"says X. "blabla" says Y) and other times you write it in the "you say X and he answers Y" way (I don't know the exact term for that way of writing). This, at least to me, is a bit confusing for the reader as you are changing in short time the pacing of what's being told.
And a thing that left me a bit weird (and this is more a matter of taste) is the fact that the guy is acting like a complete douche and the girls are just ignoring this. I don't know you guys, but the girls I now lose all their arouse if the person they try to mate with gets over the line
Apart from this, it's a quite interesting and fun fanfic. You need some improvement (who doesn't) but that's just a matter of practice
Gonna be honest, they started playing truth or dare, and it was then immediately obvious this would have a sex scene.
Why am I reading this?
It was a good try for a clopfic. But you do have a few issues when it comes to grammar and pacing.
Other than that, have a cookie.
6815763 Yeah there are some issues, that's why I'm taking my time on my new story I have yet to publish. But anyways glad you enjoyed it!
6816417 thats good. Pace yourself and the story and then you'll be fine.
quick and to the point I like it. You should have drawn out the game a little but other than that not bad
Excellent story! Now one with Adagio, annnnnd START!
That should be You're,
When the very first word in a fan fiction is grammatically incorrect it does not bode well for the rest of the story.
Considering the fact you have not logged in for over 2 years I doubt you actually care anymore.
Shame because this is a little rough but its actually quite good.
Not gonna lie, that would be a good situation to be in.