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My name is Mark and I am a gamer and a film guy and that's me in a nut shell

Comments ( 42 )
Comment posted by Rubyfire377 deleted Dec 31st, 2015

please comment please

Okay, as per your request, I gave your story a read, and to be frank, it is hard to judge a story by its first chapter. At least for me, anyway. But, the low view count is something that I will not be too worried about since your story is new and does not appear to be in any groups.

Now, for the chapter itself, I think it is decent. Some parts are strange or too sudden for their own good, most notably the fur cloaks, the earth ponies pulling the cart and the relationship between Star and Silver. The reasons for those are that unless the anthro ponies are omnivores, them wearing fur cloaks it weird (if it was wool that would be different), the anthro ponies pulling a cart full of other ponies is a weird visual, and blurting out "lover" is like a kick in the brain. Really, with relationships between characters, you don't have to say lover/friend/wife/etc., for the actions and dialogue will be enough if done right. Which you did do right in displaying Star and Silver's affection.

The grammar, for the most part, is well done. I think I spotted a couple of errors, but nothing severe enough for it to be irritating. More of a casual shrug, meh kind of error. I also loved the visuals you put in. I saw the characters and scenery and deaths perfectly.

With this being the first chapter, I really cannot give much, other than it is well written and the three minor complaints.

I would suggest that you put your story in some groups, and that should give your story some more readers.

6786278 well it well get better hopefully

cool story, but i have a question.
how do the dragon look?
are the Anthro or normal?

anyway, keep up the good work.

6826547 they are anthro and some are bigger

*sees in feed* is this what I think it is? It is.

6828207 yes its a Game of Thrones Crossover

Well, I'm not familiar with 'A Game of Thrones', so I don't know what to make of this story. Still, it was interesting reading this.

this is good so far, keep it up ^^


While some of it is confusing, there are parts that seem good.

I See You

This fic might not have enough chapters, but I'm still glad to have finally read it. I assume that Spike will be the Tyrion in this fic, and if I'm allowed to give any suggestions, it will be to have his nickname be The Serpent.

7065522 Spike already has a nickname

if Spike is Tyrion then who is Spike father?
the reason why I want to know is due to know who he is gone bathroom assassinate.

I'll post my notes on this chapter in this comment. I will be quite blunt, so there may be a few instances where these criticisms hit pretty hard.

-For starters, that first paragraph comes in like a swift kick to the temple from Mike Tyson. The first word is a character name; not bad thing per se, but you lose a lot of dramatic depth and finesse by just thrusting him at us. It would serve you better to open with some action, perhaps set the scene before you introduce your character. On that note, you tell us his name, but nothing else about him. Just some random details (delivered quite ham-fistedly, in addition) about the scene that make little sense in the context of the story. Your opening paragraphs are some of the most important paragraphs you will write in a story, perhaps more so than the climax itself. You put a lot of emphasis on his armor, but you seem to expect us all to know what he is wearing and just offhandedly explain the details. Also the Wall, which is the major basis for the scene, is just seemingly thrown in there. The dead Griffons are just kinda there too, with little reason or intrigue given to why they are dead. You just tell us all of these things in a rapid manner, instead of showing us the scene. Lots of readers will look at this opening paragraph and immediately get turned away.

-As I read down, I notice that you tend to deliver details in an overly-direct fashion. I assume you've heard of show/tell narrative (if you haven't, please look it up), and I see that your story is given almost entirely in telling, which is not a good thing at all. Your pacing suffers immensely from this, moving so quickly that it doesn't give much room for proper development. You introduce this character, Silver, and his lover, Star Storm, but it honestly feels like it has little purpose. I have no feel for these characters at all, like they're not really part of the story at all, and that's a big warning sign. Characters are pretty much the most important part of a story, and glossing over them when it's so early on doesn't serve you well. Not to be overly harsh, but it is making me lose interest pretty quickly because you seem so intent on getting the scene established quickly that you gloss over the characterization and worldbuilding necessary to get me interested.

-This isn't really a problem with the story itself, but look at all of those tags you've put up at the top of the story. Lots of potential readers will look at that and get turned away, because it's quite common on this site that a story with lots of those tags will be pretty amateur.

-One last note is that your dialogue is a little weak. There's little characterization shown in it, and it just seems to be there without much purpose. By extension, I noticed that you included character thoughts in your narrative, but didn't make much effort to make it clear what is being thought by the character and said by the narrator.

I don't have much time to look over anything else, but these are my general impressions of the story. For further help with improving your writing, I highly recommend you check out Viking ZX's blog series entitled "Being a Better Writer", which is hosted free here on Fimfiction. I'll paste a link to the first blog in the series below, and I hope you can glean some helpful hints from those. I sure know I have improved drastically just from applying the advice in there. I wish you luck with your future writings!


7102359 so what did you think

“Marble you are to be betrothed to Big Mac. Make no comment about the rumors.”

Is Big Mac suppose to be Loras or Renly in this fic?

7161500 ohhhh you well find out but who is his coltfriend

7162232 well just tone in and find out

Interesting. X3 Only thing is... the song seems a little different then I remember it XD

“And because your my hired knight I would rather you call me Spike Richy, not little dragon or Goat Rider.

Goat Rider? How did Spike get that nickname?

7447195 well at a Applejack's wedding he bought a goat and a honeycomb to it

7447399 need me to do my magic on Fanfic?

If so, PM to doc please

OK, need this chapter and Twilight's chapter if you want this on Fan fic. That and it seems that the chapters have changed a bit on me.

Hey, when shall we see more of Spike? And also, is Spike Tyrion? It's been a long time since I've watched the show.

7749170 Yes You well see more of Spike

“You’re good at picking competent people to work for you, my friend.”

I'm pretty sure this chapter can go a bit longer than this.

Comment posted by Rubyfire377 deleted Dec 7th, 2016

7777978 I am sorry it could not go longer I well try to make it more longer next time

7749459 Spike is all that matters XD

7781117 I well try to get it up

Man this is really good.

Comment posted by Rubyfire377 deleted Dec 12th, 2016

7789502 did you put a like on it?

im not sure what discord or this pony is planning but im hoping its not a red wedding

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