In Dreams

by Noir de Plume

In Dreams

Author's Note:

This is a story about depression. Yeah... it's a little personal. And I wish Luna could help. But we all manage in our own way. So if you know someone going through it, remember: they are fighting a battle you cannot BEGIN to understand. Be supportive. Be kind. Be their Luna.

Anya threw the covers off with a sigh. It seemed like it was going to be another one of those nights—one spent remembering every stupid and socially awkward thing she'd done since the age of five. She fumbled for her phone in the dark, her hand brushing against the bottles she kept on her bedside table- antidepressants, so she'd remember to take them in the morning, and the mood stabilizer for before bed. My happy pills... Anya thought bitterly, fingers finding her phone. It flared to life with a blinding light as her thumb activated the display.

4:32AM.

Well, fuck. It was too late to take an Ativan; she'd never be up in time for work, and it was far too early to call in and use a sick day.

Sighing heavily again, the petite woman sat up and rubbed her face with her hands. She was getting too old for this nonsense, and it wasn't getting any better during the day. The meds only made life something marginally less than tolerable. Instead of death weighing heavily on her mind every moment, she simply wished she no longer existed.

It was a step in the right direction, according to her therapist.

Ugh, her therapist... They'd be calling again about the bill soon.

Anya felt herself start to cry. Fat, hot tears filled her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. How did her life get to this point? She was an adult, for Chrissakes. She was supposed to be taking care of herself. Angrily, she spun in bed and hurled a clenched fist at her pillow. The force carried her fist through the padding and into the wall. Anya shrieked as her knuckles hit the plaster, sharp pain shooting through her hand and up her forearm.

"Why do you strike your chamber dressings?"

Anya froze at the voice that came from behind her, her spine rigid. The door was locked, the deadbolt thrown, and her boyfriend was not with her in the apartment tonight. She lived on the third floor, and there was absolutely no way anyone could enter the apartment through a window.

"Human. I ask, why do this?"

"This is impossible..." Anya murmured, her voice a whisper as she stared at the colbalt-blue alicorn standing at her bedside. Luna tilted her head to the side.

"I am all things possible," she replied plainly.

"You're... you're a cartoon!" Anya said. "You're not real!"

Luna laughed. "Do not your philosophies here claim reality is subjective and thus made true by what you observe?" the Moon Sister countered.

Anya blinked. "Oh fuck me, my meds need adjusting," she muttered, rubbing her eyes. Luna shook her head and took a step closer. The sound of her hooves was muffled by the thin carpeting in Anya's bedroom.

"Nay, gentle human, what you see is truth. Your eyes do not deceive you."

Anya took a moment to stop listening to her rational mind and actually look at the impossibility before her. Luna's fur, looking softer than the finest mink, covered her sleek, lithe form, and her large, elegant wings were feathered in a hue just a shade lighter than her coat. Her mane was... unreal. It hovered and flowed with a life of its own, sparkling and glittering like the starlit darkness of the Milky Way. Anya felt her hand reaching out unconsciously to touch it. Blushing, she snatched it back.

"You may," Luna said, lowering her head.

Anya reached out again, letting her fingers brush through the wavy ethereal substance. It felt like fog—cool, like a night's breeze, with the thickness and heft of mist. The sparkles tingled. Anya pulled her hand back. It smelled of clean rain.

"I can't believe you're—"

"I am," Luna affirmed her unspoken statements, watching as the pale human's face grew paler. Anya's large blue eyes stared unblinking at the alicorn.

"How?" she asked finally, clutching her blanket to her chest.

"I heed the calls of all distressed dreamers," Luna told her, ruffling her wings. The sound reminded Anya of her parakeets. "You—many of your kind—are almost Equestrian, in a way," she continued, nodding to Anya's laptop. "You watch us, write stories, keep us in your hearts and minds. You make us real."

"But I'm not asleep," Anya countered.

"You are troubled," Luna said, as if Anya had not spoken. "Young human—"

"I'm not young," Anya interrupted. "I'm 32."

Luna chuckled.

"I was on the moon for 30 times that," she pointed out. Anya blushed, feeling stupid. "Do not feel embarrassed. All of you are young in comparison... Anya." Luna stepped closer and nuzzled Anya's cheek. "You feel. It is not a crime. But building these walls not to? You might as well be on the moon."

"It might not be a crime, Luna, but I don't think you understand what it's like," Anya replied.

"No? I spent a thousand years on a cold, dead rock, not knowing if I would ever be with my beloved sister or go home again." She lifted a hoof and placed it over Anya's heart. "You feel you are dead inside. The two are not dissimilar."

"It's not the same," Anya countered bitterly, shying back from Luna's touch. "Did you wish it would just end? Every moment? That one morning you just wouldn't wake up? Were you riddled with irrational fears that something was going to go wrong at any moment and things were going to be irrevocably fucked up and it would be your fault and no one would ever talk to you or love you again? Or told your demons are all 'chemical imbalances', that your brain is the problem, that you're the one who's messed up?!"

Luna lowered her ears, and Anya realized she'd been shouting. The Moon Sister made a soothing sound, and, leaning forward, gently licked Anya's cheek. The mare's tongue was soft and warm, cleansing the dried salt from Anya's earlier tears.

"You are not as broken as you wish to believe." Luna met Anya's eyes, and Anya saw sadness in their emerald depths.

"I... I'm not?" she whispered. Luna shook her head.

"We all have our own Nightmare inside. And we are all strong enough to banish it."

It was all she had needed to hear. All these years, all the doctors, the medication changes, the failed relationships, the faded friendships... She was not a broken human being. There was nothing wrong with her; she was not defective, or damaged.

Sobbing, Anya threw her arms around Luna's neck. Luna smiled, embracing the crying human with her wings. The blanket had fallen from Anya's chest in her haste for contact, and she showed no shame at her nakedness. Luna displayed no shock, and the two beings enjoyed the simple moment of comfort and warmth between them. The Moon Mare allowed the fragile female to weep away her pain.

---

Sunlight streamed through the window, hitting Anya directly in the face. She grumbled, turning away from the beams.

"Crazy dreams..." she muttered. Concerned she had yet to hear her alarm, she reached for her phone—

Better check what time it is.

—and stopped dead.

Clenched in her fist was a long cobalt feather, too impossibly large to belong to any bird.

---

Somewhere in Equestria, the Moon Sister smiled in her sleep.

Comments

[Dustin Lange]

Not many words can describe how this made me feel...

But the few tears I shed, can...

[Noir de Plume]

6596377 I'm sorry it made you sad.

[DragonessPonyWolfess]

It is not our fault we are how we are. We can't help it if we're depressed, anxious, ADHD, twitchy, obsessive, compulsive, or anything else. It's never our fault, yet people hate us for it, and blame us for our problems.

Also, Anya should look into finding a different therapist. It's a therapist's job to help his/her patients feel better, not spew nonsense. Honestly, going from constantly thinking about dying to constantly wishing about not existing is hardly an improvement...

[Papa Dragon]

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!

You did good.
I can relate to this. Wouldnt mind having Luna show up for a chat. Think she more then anyone could really understand.
Ive got my own dysthymia I deal with, and the ive got my wifes too. So this... yea.

[Noir de Plume]

6596754 Some things MAY have been dramatacized. But thank you.

6596755 I think everypony in the fandom is dealing with something; that's why I wrote it. I wanted people to know they weren't alone.

[Dustin Lange]

6596659
It's alright; I'm almost always sad, even if it doesn't seem like it.

This story just reminds me of stuff.

[Omnishifter]

I've been depressed for a long time, and I just snapped out of the major part of it a month or two ago, so I completely understand the feeling. That said, this story is absolutely beautiful and I would say definitely deserves a place in my favorites

[nebulaegalaxy]

Oh my...
Heheh that's how I feel sometimes...
And once I had a dream that was similiar to this

[Noir de Plume]

6599954 Thank you... I'm glad it could reach someone who felt similarly. That's why I wrote it.

[Omnishifter]

6601184 , mine comes from having a bad childhood then ending up betrayed by the person who took me from it, and now having no serious control over my life and no idea what to do to get the life I want It sucks, but I'm glad the depressing emotions that I was locked in have left, because they did not help (sigh)...oh well, I have a couple people who truly care about me, this site to give me a feeling of support and community, stuff to keep me occupied, and my more positive and determined feelings back now that my depression's gone, so it could be worse

[Broman]

Everyone needs a Luna in there life, one that will be there for them when they need it most. Thank you for telling such a wonderful story Noir.

[The Wandering Bard]

This is a beautiful story, and quite heartfelt. It said what it needed to say in this brief time, a hallmark of a wonderful writer. Very lovely, very well done.

[Wellwater]

Wow. Speaking as someone with depression, I don't think I've ever read Luna saying such a cruel thing except maybe as the Nightmare. "There's nothing wrong with you"? Guess the crushing despair and enormous difficulty with everyday living are how things should be, then. "All your suffering could be stopped if you just tried harder"? Sure, because it was definitely Luna's strength that banished Nightmare Moon.

Oh wait. No it wasn't. It was a magical superweapon powered by six exemplars of friendly virtue. That's a far better model: rely on others when you can't do it alone, and when you get the chance, give yet others the same gift.

The philosophy in this fic sounds great when you're doing well enough, but when you can't seem to get it together, it's nothing but further condemnation for being so weak-willed as to be unable to fix everything yourself.

[daOtterGuy]

Howdy, hi!

This was wholesome. I like the affirmation at the end with Luna a lot that just helps her get through everything. It's a sweet moment that punctuates the struggle the woman is going through. Also, despite not having actually experienced this personally this moment really hit close to home:

"Did you wish it would just end? Every moment? That one morning you just wouldn't wake up? Were you riddled with irrational fears that something was going to go wrong at any moment and things were going to be irrevocably fucked up and it would be your fault and no one would ever talk to you or love you again? Or told your demons are all 'chemical imbalances', that your brain is the problem, that you're the one who's messed up?!"

I have several people in my life that struggle with those kinds of feelings, and I can only hope they can be comforted like this too eventually.

Thanks for the read~!

[PinoyPony]

This is going to be a toughie to comment for, as it describes a serious subject. I will preface that I have never faced depression, but I’ve had friends that have. Hopefully, as the author’s note put it, I can be their Luna

At the heart of the story, I like the clever approach and idea of Luna comforting a person with depression. Especially with the description of how Luna must understand other’s troubles, especially ones hard to describe accurately. Ones that are deeply personal and nobody (or nopony, in Luna’s case) understands. No other pony knows what it’s like to experience being taken over by a Nightmare (except, maybe some of the other Princesses). Given from Anya’s counter, the experiences are not the same, but it doesn’t diminish the fact that a struggle in one’s personal life can either weaken or deepen their compassion. Luna is a good example of the latter.

Also, love the descriptions, the sights, the smells, it is pleasing to read:

Luna's fur, looking softer than the finest mink, covered her sleek, lithe form, and her large, elegant wings were feathered in a hue just a shade lighter than her coat.

It felt like fog—cool, like a night's breeze, with the thickness and heft of mist. The sparkles tingled. Anya pulled her hand back. It smelled of clean rain.

I don’t blame Anya for wanting to touch.

Thanks for writing!

[Bicyclette]

oh i absolutely love this piece! there is so much to relate to, if the age of the protagonist weren't enough.

"I heed the calls of all distressed dreamers," Luna told her, ruffling her wings. The sound reminded Anya of her parakeets. "You—many of your kind—are almost Equestrian, in a way," she continued, nodding to Anya's laptop. "You watch us, write stories, keep us in your hearts and minds. You make us real."

there's something really deep and wonderful about this. that connection we feel to these characters and this world and the culture of these ponies. just being called "almost Equestrian" would make me, personally, very happy.

Luna lowered her ears, and Anya realized she'd been shouting. The Moon Sister made a soothing sound, and, leaning forward, gently licked Anya's cheek. The mare's tongue was soft and warm, cleansing the dried salt from Anya's earlier tears.

"You are not as broken as you wish to believe." Luna met Anya's eyes, and Anya saw sadness in their emerald depths.

"I... I'm not?" she whispered. Luna shook her head.

"We all have our own Nightmare inside. And we are all strong enough to banish it."

and ugh, that is just so wonderfully comforting. thank you so much for this