- Member Since 20th Feb, 2015
- offline last seen Monday
ShardsOfDream
The divine voice calls out, "Come forth and reveal your true self", and so the puppet walks into the light. Strings burn into ash, finally he saw the true form of him and divine, one and the same.
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This sounds promising; keep up the good work here...
I'm I the only one who's getting an ARROW vibe from this?
The harness consisted of straps of leather over her naked body, but instead of covering anything, it only served to accent her features.
the slaver tossed it at Nighthawk
Shouldn't this be in past tense? Like:
"The mare's eye widened in fear at his words, making her whole body tremble. She didn't want to give up her mark, it's what a pony lives for, no one ever wants to lose their mark! But she mustn't yield, too many depended on her. If she betrayed them, they'd all suffer the same fate!"
In fact there are quite a few times when you drop in and out of present tense. Nice story other than that though.
6487548
6487528
Thanks for the catch, I'll fix it now
You should continue on with this story; you're showing a lot of promise in this premise...
6489712
6489892
Who said anything about letting it die. I'll probably continued it in the sequel. Because as for now, I only have enough time for one-shots. (in fact, I kinda overshot my goal by 4K word, was hoping for a quick clop and setting the stage)
Well, I wouldn't introduce a bunch of characters for no reason at all, I'll probably write more, but not this week.
6490556
Fair enough...
Solid story that did everything you set out to do. Too bad people see FoE and Oc tag and auto dislike.
6492713
I knew this story was never a good idea from the start. The whole thing fits pretty much every criteria for instant downvote. But perhaps that's what made it worth writing.
In a world where most of the population is female it seems unlikely that females would become heavily enslaved and abused. If you pay attention through the show pretty much 80% of the population is female while most of the males are in the guard from the looks of it due to the fact that there are no female guards so far in the show and so many guards in Canterlot alone. So its possible that thinking logically and realistically equines in this universe may have a genetic make up that some how makes it quite a bit more likely for a developing infant to be born a female rather than a male, leading to an almost entirely female society; however one where males are seen as being the ones to become warriors and defend the kingdom. With not all that many males being seen doing much else aside from more masculine jobs that require more manual labor. However in most other species so far seen there are very few females, if any shown. Which could mean that this is a world where most species and much more minor factions are male dominant while the world powers (for this example being Equestria and the Griffon Kingdom) are more female dominant.
This is just the observations of some random guy on the internet trying to use logic though, so don't listen to me if you don't want to.
I must admit I am not one for sexual based dystopian stories but when reading this for a change of pace and an unusual title despite FOE's brand being present, so far it was different. Different archetype than the usual detective for a corrupt government for a short while before he fell back into the land of cliche's along with the mare in question. Different ending which was a nice change of pace and earns the right not to be down voted instantly, which I never have done to my knowledge. But there is a serious need of an editor here.
6486943
BRUH
6497127
Here's an upvote for your logic. I wasn't the one to come up with the whole slavery idea, but I decided long ago that I wouldn't be addressing that problem in logic in this story.
6497278
Could I tempt you with an offer of being my editor? I promise I'll be kind and there's cake!
Wait...
Is Nighthawk some kind of split personality to Moonlight? The bandage on the neck seems to point in that direction.
While vastly different, and indeed more tolerable than other stories from fall of Equestria. Read: filth. I respectfully must decline as one I still dislike FOE and two the workload, minor or major may in fact kill me at the busiest time of my year.
Wait so did nothing from
"Star chaser returned earlier than he planned. The change of plans had been because of an order. An order to hand Nighthawk over to the governer before he's done breaking her. This certainly pissed Star off, but there's nothing he can do against an order."
to
"'Farewell' Star Chaser thought as he casted a spell, sending her off into deep sleep. After packing the recording away and locking her up, he left the room. He would gather his men to escort her later."
happen? Or did some stuff happen we didn't see?
NOOOOOOO! how could you? oh the humanity!
i will never forget him, even though he has no name. he will always be in my heart.
*sniff* so long nameless dead guy.
7800037
Would being revived as a zombie help?
7800051 i may never get over the heartbreak of his death, but that may help to ease the pain.
Good story, but the English is a little... sick. Nothing a good edit can't fix, though, if you want me to.
Is English your first language?
8174261
It's actually my first written piece, since well... ever. (Or high school, if those school writing counts). If you can help, I'll be really grateful for it!
Hey, ShardsOfDream,
we were wondering if you would be okay with having your story added to Schorl Tourmaline's Real Fall of Equestria Fangroup.
Apologize
Oi mate still want a sequel?