ventercrow
Joined 26th May, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Edmar Fecler · 5.3k words · 57 2 · 2.7k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.124 seconds
Total duration
695 users online
833,906 hits today, 2,782,760 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Dude, what the christ? There's no romance OR sex, it's grimdark without let up, and Twiligt is the wrong kind of OOC. A good effort, but a little too grimdark for vore.
651766
>a little too grimdark for vore.
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png This is stupid. You're stupid. Stop being stupid!
651850
That is extremely rude.
651863 It's a joke from TFS's Dragonball Z Abridged series. It's what Frieza said to Goku. I guess I shouldn't assume that everyone watched it.
651850
Because if she teleported out, I wouldn't have a story.
651887 ... Then why didn't you use some pony else?
Not that this was written well to begin with, but at least using some pony else would make this just a tad more believable. It would still be encumbered to the max, but at least it would be comical instead of just eye roll worthy.
Using awesome gif for no real reason now!:
img.ponibooru.org/_images/bf8b7c00256e59121f72674a02efa8ed/191659%20-%20animated%20artist_needed%20explicit_comments%20fluttershy%20flutterstare%20source_needed.gif
651766
Is it really a Vore story?
I knew people around here wrote some fucked up stuff but Jesus that wrong. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Derpy_Hooves.png
Huh. If I was Chrysalis (which would be friggin WEIRD) I think I'd want to KILL twilight before eating her. Don't know, just don't think it would be smart to eat something that could just teleport out. That and Twilight could just start blasting away with that laser she has. I'm sure Chrysalis could take any kind of attack Twilight has while she was outside of her body, but I don't imagine the queen's insides would be nearly as strong as her outside.
Dear lord now I feel bad for Chrysalis cause of all the ways Twilight could just kill her from the inside.
651911
In response to your .gif, this is all I could think of when I saw it
[youtube=8NPJ6GMXM3E]
am i the only one that got a boner reading this?
651873
[youtube=NIgfiSzCy1o]
I literally hurt myself laughing when i saw that part of the video!
You alone redeemed this horrid fic with that one comment, my good sir and/or madam!
Speaking of the fic...
I still havent the slightest idea what "vore" is.
Anybody care to explain?
651841
Yeah... That comment was retarded. It's a good concept, but more time should have been taken to make this not as bare bones as this is.
I just don't see what's so bad about this, I felt all the complaints about her magic was brought up in the fic.
Her lack of fight aswell-
It's not my fetish but it's not bad, no simpler than a short insta-grat clop. Which is what it seems to be.
652352
Vore is a fetish of eating another person or--pony in this case.
Depending on what you like it can be like cupcakes or like the more common swallow you whole like this.
656194 THANK YOU!
Now i finally know the name of this fetish o' mine!
(i prefer swallowing whole. I honestly have NO idea why though.)
i loved it personally
though i usually like more blood in my vore
> "I'm going to eat you."
all I could think of was
i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/001/883/Painis_Cupcake.png
652154
My friend's unicorn OC killed a dragon that way.
....It didn't help his specialties were ice and gravity magic... That poor dragon.
Blaaach, it looks like half of the buildings from Ponyville are in there! But now ickier.
Fun times, fun times. The RP mostly happens offline now though, 3 dead computers in the group kinda necessitated a little change.
Even with me being a voreaphile...this was kinda...terrible.
656436
Most voreaphiles do; the "swallow whole" is commonly referred to as "soft" vore and it's the most common type. Whereas "hard" vore is ya know, bloody chewing up and completely killing the fuck out of it before swallowing. Gross.
I honestly don't have any complaints about the content.
I do have some complaints on the presentation. Prepare for brutal honesty!
Your decision to use present tense makes sense with what you were attempting to do, but honestly is jarring and constantly pulls the reader out of your story.
The flow is mechanical. This happens. Then this happens. So and so screams. This has happened.
You can fix this by adding more little details, more little thoughts and observations. This is easier if it is written in past tense. I understand you were trying to play it out visually, but that isn't the strength of writing.
On the note of the strength of writing, you could have tried harder to make the characters more believable. Spend more time going over why Twilight is actually scared, what is happening to her. Sure Chrysalis gives her speech on how it's going to be awesome for her to do what she is doing, but show how she feels about it. Add descriptors to her actions, maybe a cut into her occasional thoughts. Please don't write them stupid like that either, giving false hope is one thing but making an intelligent character act like a dumbass, "Can I share the magic of friendship with you? Please don't eat me! Maybe if I kiss her she won't eat me?" is a waste of what could be.
The power of using established characters is in their traits. It saves you time from having to describe them. But if your established character constantly doesn't display traits it's known to have, traits you eventually plan on trying to break, it's just a paper cut out. It has no life and makes your story that much worse. Not once is Twilight actually brave in your story, and she cracks instantly to everything thrown at her. The Twilight in your story doesn't act like twilight, and so nobody thinks she is. It's jarring to see Twilights name thrown on some other pony.
You mention what you like about it, the parts that excite you. Chrysalis's speech, Twilight's submission, Chrysalis's domination, and Twilight's eventual demise. Play these up. spend more time working up to them, running with them, and reminiscing over them. It's interesting when a character breaks, but it's more interesting when another character watches them break down, and even thinks about it later.
Speaking of that, I imagined you adding the line "Chrysalis remembered when Twilight submitted". It would be typical for how your story is written, but don't type that. Never use single words when you can use whole paragraphs. Example: "Chrysalis remembered the image of Twilight Sparkle laying broken, her eyes wet and fearful. Oh how her sweet gentle voice quivered and cracked as she attempted to beg for her pathetic life. The little purple pony had asked to be friends! How ridiculous. Chrysalis had only to smile and lower her head to Twilight's own for the mare to stop talking, to stop breathing, and gaze fearfully into her eyes. That weak willed runt took only a single command to obey. A simple order from her new Queen, and Twilight's quivering lips pressed against hers, their quaking betraying Twilight's engrossing fear. The little ponies eyes went wide as she realized her own treachery. Chrysalis remembered it well."
Do you see the difference? You can't just copy paste what you typed before for something like that either, it needs to be a new experience for the reader even if it's a familiar memory. Maybe focus on her emotions, or some physical aspect that hadn't been addressed like a bystander or a smell or something.
Not writing in past tense really hurts your story, Stories are things that have happened. Even traditional oral stories were things that had happened. Movies are things that are happening. Comics are. Visual things are. You tried to write out a visual thing as a story, and the end result is mechanical and much too rapid to be anything other than a shock thing. And honestly, I'm only shocked at the writing.
Voreaphilia isn't my thing, but I'm sick of your story being deleted and re-uploaded on clopfic.heroku because people don't recognize it as a real fetish. If you're going to do something like this and expect people to take you seriously, please write it well! Your an ambassador for something that's already got a pretty terrible rap, please take the time and effort to give a decent impression. Then at least people won't delete the damn thing all the freaking time.
651841
Oh man, I see this is still a touchy subject on CD. And I suppose I should have said it's the wrong kind grimdark. It's a bit closer to this I think:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmUU-20Sevs
I don't think that's right for vore. Maybe show Twilight's terror as Chrysalis licks her face or something? I'm a vorefag, and a gorefag, and I even have a Body Horror fetish, but this just doesn't fit.
Biggest problem here though is OOC.
...
...
...
...
Perhaps if there was more gore I'd be more inclined to clop to this.
...
...
Also if it was more well written and made some sense (It doesn't.)
Okay so you say Twilight was too scared to use magic
Okay stay calm It's not like last time Twilight got scared SHE FUCKING OVERLOADED WITH MAGIC TURNED TWO PEOPLE INTO POTTED PLANTS INCAPACITATED 5 UNICORN TEACHERS AND MADE A DRAGON GROW SEVERAL 1000 TIMES ITS SIZE AND SHE WAS A FILLY WITH NO CONTROL WHEN SHE DID THAT IMAGINE IF SHE FUCKING DID THAT AT HER CURRENT POTENTIAL SHE BARLEY COULD LIFT A COUPLE BOOKS BACK THEN NOW SHE CAN PICK UP A URSA MINOR PLAY MUSIC AND GIVE IT SOME MILK AT THE SAME TIME AND THIS IS SO SHITTY I HAVE TO RAGE ON HOW BAD THIS STORY IS NEITHER THOUGH IT IS SEVERAL WEEKS OLD YOU SIR ARE A IDIOT AND A SICK HUMAN BEING
also if a non brony sees this first thing hes going to say is holy shit bronys are fucked up
by the way i love raging so keep writing
This story is causing all sorts of hell over on clopfic.heroku.com. The only solution I can think of is to take it down here and on Pastebin so they can't keep reuploading the story.
Everyone else complains about "why didn't twilight use magic!?" but I want to know why she didn't rip Chrys to shreds with her horn.
652326
How did you post a actual vid on a comment? o.O
1016266
(youtube=8W0dD7wpMek) replace () with []
1018263
Awesome, thanks! :D
This is rediculous and you all should be ashamed of yourselves. You even made me create an account here, although I wanted to do that when I got better at writing. There are seriously some plotholes in here but all I see is complaining by people who shouldn´t even read this story in the first place. I´ve never been a good writer and since I´m german, some dreams may never change but insulting this person for spending his life, writing YOU TRUE FREAKS out there 2000 words of his heart and you just flame it like a plaque. It´s kept short, it has obviously a different kind of taste and I WOULDN´T EVEN know what this fetish is without reading the comments. I saw the comments and was like "This is trolling, the story is insulting towards others or even not readable." ... Instead the opposite had happend. It was readable, straight to the point and anybody who has no fetish like this should go FUCK HIMSELF. Love and tolorating fandom? Go fuck yourselves, you guys who read everything just to complain afterwards instead of doing honest criticism. This is probably the worst flame attack I´ve ever seen during my years on the internet.
Worst brony moment ever, seriously
Hey Ventercrow I really enjoyed this fic and since no one has straight up asked you personally when you wrote this were you writing this with the intent of it being a fic to clop to? I mean vore is one of my fetishes so to me this story was cloppable, but there is kind of a big argument going on, on another site, over whether or not this was written as a clopfic or just a grimdark fic with a fetish in it.
Edit: Never mind it looks like you already made your stance very clear back in July and it just got ignored...
I remember it was the first pony vore I ever read. I didn't like the endind that much, but I loved the swallowing and how Chrysalis gloated prior to that. I wish the author wrote more.
THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME FAINILY SHE WAS KILLED NICE JOB