Slice141
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Holy shit! Twilight is a straight up badass. And I like to see that actions have consequences, even if they are ten years later. Looking forward to more.
so amazingly awasome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love this story. It is so good. I love how you made Twilight a bad girl.
4092857 because they never thought that their little egghead would be found in the worlds deadliest cities.
Well, it needs a bit of cleaning, but an interesting premise with the not so perfect world outside Equestria
i like it
needs a bit of a polish, especially around the dialogue structure, but other than that i'm extremely interested to see where this all goes!
grammar and spelling could use some work, but it's definitely a good start!
4093532 thank you
4093583 yeah I usually upload my stories from google drive but I've been forced back to the notepad because there are maintenance issues going on with the site.
'Whimper' tw-twilight? I'm scared...
4093765 How can you be scared? This Twilight is a fucking bad ass. Although it isn't her fault she is like this you can blame 2 alicorns, four unicorns, two pegasi, two earth ponies, and one changling queen for what has happened to her.
Fucking ignorant pricks the lot of them.
4093894 I suppose so... B-but Twilly...
Hmph, I think she's in the right and those pony fucks deserve it. I mean, haven't you already argued your point on this before Pyriel?
Y-yeah, I think Twi is in the right, but what I was arguing in that self review was that they were idiots and had learned the same lesson already and were being foalish...
Potato patato
AGRO! That does not apply here!
4094049 Do you have two personalities or something?
Because that ...is...AWESOME!
But I think both sides are right.
They deserve this kind of punishment from Twilight since they stabbed her in the back when she needed them the most.
(SHUT THE FUCK UP, RARITY YOU TWO FACED WHORE! NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU FUCKING SKANK!) Sorry, sometimes my 'crazy must kill you, you asshat' personality likes to get out. But I also believe that they have learned their lesson and Twilight should not try to kill them when she sees them.
(Calm down Twilight. I think a warning shot to a leg will be appropriate enough.
) See what I mean? But this is just me.
4094104 actually, I've got a lot of personas. Just don't piss off O'mielly and things should be okay. That was aggression speaking before.
4094131 Right. Got it. So you are a real Twilight fan huh?
4094142 sorta. I like all the mane six, but I'm most interested in twilight as I study arcana(magic) in general and her being the most talented at it gives me reason for interest.
... So, yeah, I guess I am a twilight (sparkle) fan.
4094166 I'm more of a Fluttershy fan than any other pony. I don't care how awesome or fabulous any of the other ponies are. You can never compete with the cuteness that is Fluttershy. Also her shy and docile nature mimics my own nature, so I make a personal connection with her.
4094183 I most relate to pinkie pie. In a lot more ways than people realize. Pinkies rage fer one thing... But I also relate to dash's strong sense of loyalty towards her friends.
"Meh, I guess I'll give this a read."
(Twenty minutes later)
"I'm friggin' in love." ~ Proceeds to smash "favorite" button.
4094428
THANK YOU!
Got to give it to you dude. I am loving Don Twilight right now. I hope I can see how badass she and Spike have become now. But I do hope you don't kill off my main man to kick off a war. Even so I am dying to see what happens next, I do find it odd it took them 10 years to try to bring her back if they found out she was a fake so quickly, which is making me think they need the elements of harmony for something. I would also love to see Twi have a genuine moment of happiness when Spike and Gilda tell her she is pregnant. That might be the only thing to make her go back to her old self even for a few minutes lol.
. Can't wait for next chapter, keep up the great work.
4094531 thanks it's actually gonna be kinda sad it's hard as hell writing this scene I'm at right now.
But as for a war I don't know if I'll do that at all. Spike along with the main 6 won't die. But you are right something will go down for twilight to return to Equestria
Oooooo I can't wait to upload this! Aaaaahhh
4094554 .... you are evil. you just left me on a even worse cliff hanger then I already was on lol. I Just thought how funny would it be if Rarity try to talk to Spike again
, I would love to see him shut her down all the way and walk out with Gilda under his arm as he tells her how much better she is then her (and how he is damn lucky she is caring his child and not some pampas stuck up mare that couldn't even be there for her friends
) oh I could hear her heart breaking now lol.
4094585 maybe?
An interesting premise that needs a bit of polish but u've earned a fav
I really look forward to what ever comes next.
4094708
THANK U!
Well, ignorance out the wazoo from a thousand years of peaces seems quite likely (hell, no country to my knowledge has been dated to stay the same [or at least similar] that long)
On the note of Twilight, her attitude seems believable, but you should separate this into three chapters: the initial banishment and starting out, working her way through the chain, and finally ending up where she is now (a completely cold and calculating opponent that will not hesitate to kill you if you do the wrong thing)
4094732 oh trust me you'll be getting flashbacks of her time when she got to the forgotten city. Oh and thank you for the fav
4094745 I hope they're up to par as to what you delivered here (no cold twilight smile,
boo)
4094748 lol you'll just have to see.
4094753 You should have her ask at least one individual she has either blackmailed or killed "tell me, do you fear death?"
4094760 Shhhhhhhh
4094766
Wow. This takes Twilight at probably one of the lowest points in her life after becoming the Bearer of the Element of Magic, and twists the dial to eleven. I guess if fake Cadance managed to slip a single mind spell in Celestia's direction, it could explain how things got thrown straight off the rails that way. (Not sure why Luna would have gone along with it so easily, but I guess that we can give her a case of getting up on the wrong side of the bed thanks to having to wake up in the middle of her sleep period to pass judgement.
I would imagine that both Spike and Twilight would have been a lot less proactive about their banishment if it hadn't been for that painful removal of the mail spell from Spike right afterwards. With Spike being the apparent last friend she had, I can easily see how watching him go though that sort of agony right after exile could have twisted Twilight completely against those who participated in their exile. We know she's not only a formidable intellect and force of magic, she's also internalized a bit of the essence of each of the other elements by this point in time. Even without the push to alicornhood, by this point Twilight's got all the necessary skills to be a ruler, and this just pushes her into that direction without having the formerly nurturing companionship of her circle of friends to buffer any reactions.
Not sure just how it took the rest of the Mane 6 and the other Equestrian elements a full decade to lock on to her new home, though. I would have imagined that rumors about the new Don in the Wasteland city would have gotten at least a little more attention from Equestria. The fact that it didn't suggests that without Twilight to hand, several of the issues dealt with in canon after the wedding required a great deal more attention from the Diarchy than would have otherwise been the case, giving Twilight and Spike the time needed to consolidate their new holdings. (Actually, with Twilight's apparent adopting of every orphan in sight, and insistence on strong "family" bonds for all her subjects, I suspect that she's closer to an Ascension Event now than Celestia might imagine. Be a real kick in the plot if it turns out that Twilight is going to be a true Shadow Boss at some point in the future here.)
I like that she's quite clear about accepting the real Cadance as still being a friend, it's going to be interesting to see just how badly her policy of shunning is going to play off on her colt with Shining Armor. I'm guessing that she's acting cold towards her parents for the reason that they apparently didn't feel enough concern for her to attempt any sort of contact during the years of her exile. (I would imagine that she had some obviously simple yet easy to ignore method that they could have used to communicate, but the fact that it was never used ended up with them being tarred with the same brush as Shining and the others. If that isn't the case, I'm not sure how she's justifying being so hostile to her parents along with the others.)
At any rate, I'll be looking forward to seeing where you take things from this point.
4094822 wow thanks I'm sure you'll like this next chap
Wow... um... so this is so far out of left field that I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it.
Interesting? Maybe? What I can say is that I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
A few things I'd like to mention though...
[] While I understand the need for it to get the basic background down and understood, I hope the time jumps are less from here on (at least less frequent).
[] I like how you included the little side-background bits such as how a guard found Cadence and how Rarity and Pinkie barely saved the Empire.
[] Twilights cussing shows she's definitely hardened and the fact that she says "people" rather than ponies shows that she does care for ALL her subjects.
[] I do find it odd that not a single pony lives in her city though. I can easily see there not being more than maybe 10 or so, but with how it is, it just seems like she's shunning ALL ponies completely. This is only enforced by her stating that she has contacts within equestria.
[] While I don't really care for Twilight seeming to still have a hoof in the drug and arms trade, with the amount that she's cleaned up the city, I find it easy to look past. Perhaps just a bit more touching on this subject? Does she not mind drugs being in her city so long as she can properly regulate them? Planning to slowly push them out?
[] What about her kids? If Cadence were to visit, I easily see this being a topic that gets brought up. Heck, even if everyone is just discussing it back at the castle (wouldn't be surprised with the shock every pony showed upon finding she has kids).
[] Lastly, the strange weapons mentioned. I think this needs to be touched upon at some point, even if by a little. MLP cannon seems to show that... well, the cannon seem to be the most advanced firearms. Maybe a little bit of side commentary on what these weapons are and how she got them? Did another species design them and her city got a hold of them or were they designed in said city? Just a little more to help fill in any possible gaps in the story, even if they are just small and probably wouldn't be given a second glance by most.
Either way, I imagine I'll either up or down vote based on the next chapter, which I'm looking forward to reading. You've certainly created a unique twist to the base line. Keep it up.
4095013 thank you. Let's hope you like the next chap. Ok I'll answer some of the parts that's getting to you.
Ponies: the reason why I don't have a single pony in it is because twilight is the first pony to ever actually make it to and through the city without being killed. That subject will be hit on in the next chap.
Drugs and arms trade: Twilight closely monitors the drug trade and I'd slowly pushing it out entirely of her city but is pushing it to the slums of third world countries that surround the forgotten city.
Weapons: Twilight is a BIG supplier in the arms trade selling some of their advanced weapons to governments around the world and even to some of Equestria's allies. More will be touched on this in the next chap.
Kids: subject will be talked about a lot next chap.
4095055
Nice. Can't wait. One thing I forgot to mention is that after taking a few minutes to think the story over.... I can't come up with an ending. Normally I can have some idea, but I got nothing. This I like very much.
Lastly, while it's not enough for me to call it out, there are some minor grammar and spelling errors. There's also a few sentences that could be worded a bit differently as some of them run in a single line without break. Again, nothing bad enough for me to start calling each one out, but if you don't have an editor, I'd suggest getting one. Personally, this first chapter alone intrigues me enough to offer myself as an editor.
Anyway, a good read to end my night on. And again, keep it up.
4095085 will do and thank you for the offer if I can ever get google drive working again I'll share it with you so you could edit it.
. Thanks for pointing that out for me I'll be updating later today so have a good night and happy reading
4095128 lol what do you mean
4095167 nope I understand what you're say I'm starting find myself there
but I'm glad u like it so far hope you'll enjoy the next chap
Besides the fact that this could use some work on sphellun, grammar, punctuation; And Capitalization, also, sentence structure, This fic is awwwwwww right!
Great idea, terrible presentation.
Get this proof read and it can become a very fucking awesome story.
Mafia boss Twilight. Total badass. Now I'm waiting for her to make an offer that someone can't refuse.
Good story, but there are a lot of missing commas, misspelled words and big chunks of text that just doesn't stop.
The part where Shining interrupts someone, I think it was Celestia, is bad, since it's in the same "sentence", you should've ended the first sentence abruptly and then started with a new one for Shining.
The idea is good, but the writing kills it as it's just one big mess.
Sorry for hammering on you, but it needs to be mentioned =/
Christ, all she'd need is a few burn scars and she'd be the pony version of Balalaika...
...
Please tell me she has an office in Stalliongrad.
so pone
wow much angst
i like it. a lot.
though you would use a pre-reader. the commas are often missing or are where they shouldn't be.