• Member Since 17th May, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 6th, 2012



All is normal in Equestria. In two seconds flat, all that changes when a rift between Egypt and Equestria forms due to an imbalance of positive and negative energy between the two dimensions from an unknown cause. Only one human, a brave and daring teenage girl who discovers it while fetching water from the Nile, has the guts to go through the rift to an unknown world.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 66 )

first person, another generic human explanation, and all that crap. Please don't continue this story, kthxbye

This is rendered nearly unreadable as is due to the fact that you've just written out pieces of dialogue and expected the reader to follow a distinct pattern of who is saying what. The characters aren't clearly defined enough in order to make this task easy. I'd suggest trying to give yourself more of an introduction to ease the reader into what's going on.

Try getting a cover image and coming up with a different title too. Readers tend to have a prejudice against most HiE (Human in Equestria) stories for being unoriginal and boring. They might unfairly assume the same with yours with the presentation that you've set up.

This is just... no. It's like you're not even trying to make a believable story. Things are happening way to fast and the characters have very little depth. This literally goes from "Wake up in Equestria" to "You're our newest best friend, let's go meet the Princess!"

I'm sorry if I seem harsh, but there's just no substance here. It's not worth reading.

Although... bonus points for having a female main character, that is something you don't see very often.

618025>>618133>>618076>>618035 Give the guy a chance poeple, it's his first fic. Just try to be supportave and leave some constructive critisism. Anyway MossMoss I run a support group that might be able to help you out. Just visit my page and follow the link in my blog and leave a comment. The members and I will try everything within our power to help you.

@ WheatOnMyShin -- This is a first attempt. I'm continuing. And I didn't make you read it and you don't have to continue reading it. Not trying to be rude, I'm just saying no one's making you read it. Other people will like it, and they should be able to read it even if you think it's awful and terrible and needs to be destroyed immediately. Try to support me like brandsca123, please. :fluttershysad:

@ FlareChaser -- "No"? I shouldn't continue? I will. I'm trying my best. Besides, I've read many things where it takes a few chapters to actually like and not want to burn. This might be one of those.

@ GingerNutGin -- Yeah, sorry. Considered that. And I'm making a cover for it and trying to get it right. UGH IT'S SO HARD!!! Anyway,I'd appreciate getting built up and not torn down... :fluttercry:

@ 2dextreem -- She never fell asleep. She crawled through the portal and instantly found herself in Equestria. Also they aren't best friends yet. They weren't friends when they decided to go to Celestia. Read through again and pay more attention and it'll dawn on you that they're taking her so that Princess Celestia can help them with information on Isis and what they should do with her.

@ brandsca123 -- Thank you so much. Oh, and, she. Not he. I'm a girl. But thanks for the support. My first FiM fic so I'm really trying. And thanks. That'll be helpful. :pinkiehappy:

I haven't read it myself, but you shouldn't be too discouraged by what the above comments said. It was your first fic, and to expect that to be very good would be silly indeed. I've written no fanfiction, and I suspect that if I do my first will be torn down mercilessly. Unless you're a prodigy, that's just what happens the first time you try anything, especially if you put it out there to be judged. The thing you need to do is keep going, because the only way you can get better is with constant practice.

A few quick notes:
- Self-inserts are almost universally bad. This might or might not be one, but it's a human-in-Equestria story about a girl, written by a girl. Even if she isn't supposed to be you, a common mistake would be to give her so much of your own personality that she basically is anyway. That's why human-in-Equestria stories are generally frowned upon so fiercely. A better starting point would be to play with the characters the show has already set up for you. Have Twilight and Pinkie Pie go on some crazy adventure around Ponyville or something; that's much easier to write than a whole new character the audience is likely to be biased against.

- One of the comments is from a person complaining that the Mane Six were all buddy-buddy with your OC, and were going off to see Celestia right away. Rather than argue with this person in the comments for complaining about what he thought he saw here, you should consider revising the story to make more clear what actually happened. If you write about one thing and your readers see another, don't argue with them about what they saw. It is your job as a writer to properly convey what is going on.

- Take brandsca123 up on his offer. It seems like a friendly gesture, and I'm sure you could pick up some awesome tips, or at least chat with some friendly people before you set out on your next literary journey!

Above all, just make sure to keep your head high. You gave it a go, after all; this is clearly something you want to do! So keep at it! I ought to be studying right now, but I might be persuaded to give it a read and offer harsh but fair (and always constructive) criticism at a later time. For now, I just wanted to present you with some words of friendly encouragement.


Ya what brandsca123 said give it a chance and it could get quite good.

618649 Fancy meeting you here. :D Anyway MossMoss I'm with 100% and so is the group. If the above three commenters continue to bug you the Celestial Knights will deal with them.

618374 While all 4 were harsh, to be fair, 2dextreem and GingerNutGin seemed to at least Try a BIT to make their criticism constructive. That's how I perceived it anyway.

I haven't read the fic yet, but it's on my list to read later. I won't give it a thumb up or down until I read it. It will probably be a thumb up if anything. (I generally don't thumb down a fic, even if I don't like it.) When I finally do read it, I'll try to remember to comment on what I thought about it and any problems that I saw. I try to be positive whenever I do that though, so don't worry.

618035 Did you even give it a chance or are you just hating on it because it's a HiE?
I personally hate it when people criticize a fic without even reading it, just because of its genre. It's not fair.

The Celestial Knights are here for you MossMoss.

Well, it seems you might not need my help after all; it looks as though you have the entire Coalition Against Novice Thrashing backing you up tonight! :pinkiehappy:

Still, if you want my input in the future, just let me know. I'm not with their group, but I still don't mind helping someone who earnestly wants it. I'm not an author myself, but as an avid reader I'm sure there are things I could show you.

Good luck! :raritywink:

@ Keeria -- Thanks! I try to keep myself open to suggestions and tips! Those ones are helpful!

@ Liaf112 -- Exactly. Thank you. I've read many stories like that.

@ brandsca123 -- I'm glad to hear that. I'm afraid I'll need constant support to keep this idea alive.

@ AliCentaur Br0ny -- Very true... I've always hated when people say "This book can't be any good because it's a _____ book." And, again, I'm glad to hear the Celestial Knights are going to help support me!

@ Shiver -- I don't need your sarcasm. Just because a book sounds like it's gonna be like so many others, don't toss it aside. Give it a chance. Not just this one, but all others as well.

I have a few more suggestions, if you'd like.

First of all, you need to read more. I don't know how much you already read, but increase it! You can't be a good writer without first being an avid reader. That's like, the second law of the universe or something. Just find some good stories and start crunching away! If you want some suggestions, feel free to browse my favorites; it's no masterpiece collection, but there are some decent ones in there. Even better, hit up these two links for some widely-acknowledged community favorites.

You might also want to consider dropping this story and writing something else, as I suggested above. Don't worry, I don't mean permanently! You seem focused on keeping this idea alive, but you just might not be at the right skill level to pull it off yet. People are very critical of Humans in Equestria stories, because there are more dire mistakes to be made here than in most other categories combined. It's right up there with Dark and Mature on many peoples' this-doesn't-deserve-my-time lists. This is especially so if you're a new writer, because you're bound to stumble into a few of those pitfalls. Try something easier; this story isn't going to leave you or anything, so you can pick it back up when you have more confidence. Again, might I suggest a more casual idea? Maybe try and write a short story about something that you think would have been a fun episode, or any number of simple ideas along those lines.

On the subject of writing itself, if you're new you're going to experience a big problem with dialogue, so I'll go ahead and give you my favorite tips for that, too. Have you ever been reading a story and noticed that you could hear the characters' voices in your head as you read what they say? That's what happens when it's done well. If you write a line for Pinkie Pie, you need to be able to imagine her voice speaking those words. If it feels anything but perfect, go back and start that line over. A good trick to making this work is to quit being yourself when you write their dialogue; just let the characters speak through you. A good author is rarely much more than a conduit through which the story tells itself.

Again, I wish you luck. Try not to depend on that little support group too much if you can help it. They mean well, but you need to be able to grow, and sometimes that means being able to take a bit of harsh criticism. Allow your stories to be disliked if they must; instead of letting it ruin your day, try to understand why you got the reaction you did. Learn from it, work around it, and become a better writer through it.


yes, wonderful. And I can take harsh critisim...ish. I'm really into reading, so that should help. I know "So many mistakes can be made," and I'm perfectly aware of it. I've never been a very good writer anyway. Other ideas don't appeal to me. Why? I really don't know. Thanks for the tips. I'm going to continue and hope I'm not making it worse by doing so.

I'm not trying to be mean, just honest. I really think you'll be fine, or I wouldn't spend my time trying to help. :twilightsmile:

Mean? No, I didn't think you were trying to be. Did that seem sarcastic? It wasn't sarcasm, I promise. :scootangel:

For the record, you won't ever make it worse by continuing. You can only get better! :pinkiesmile: So that's a silly thing to be saying. You don't have to use another idea; I just think it might be easier on you. If you want to keep going, then by all means do. Either way, you'll be practicing, and that's what counts.

Are you sure? I'm pretty sure I've done it before... I like the tips you're giving, they're helpful. Thanks!

Hello I'm another Admin on the Celestial Knights page and I am here to give you my support if you need BTW ^^. Hmmmm ass I can see my brother brandsca123 has visited that's good cause now you have not only the entire group helping you but the founder of the group. Remember that I am with you 100% kk and I will be sure to give your fic a read when I am not busy dealing with trolls ^^.

advice? try revising the whole story, find editor, pre-reader and proof-reader.

try reading some more HiE (self inserts, not crossover type) if you really want to continue with it.

I haven't read it yet, but base on the comments. most of them hate self inserts.

try joining this group, i was thinking of making HiE too, we can help each other out


I should apologize, I didn't mean at all for you to stop writing or something like that, and I think my words were a bit harsher than I thought in my head. Just because it's a bad read doesn't mean it's a bad story, and there's always the potential to get better. Allow me to make up for being slightly ass-ish with some points of constructive criticism.

1: Characterization. Yes, you do describe Isis as a kid inside, eager to go off and have adventures, but in reality hardly anyone would just jump into a portal that miraculously appears in front of them without at least giving it some thought. What if it wasn't so nice on the other side? What if she could've been sent into empty space? How was she so certain it was a portal to anywhere? These are the kinds of things that a person would ask themselves before taking a risk and leaving behind everything they know. Show us what's going on inside her head, both before and after the jump. Internal monologues are a useful tool, if done right, for giving the reader perspective on events.

Also, (and I see this in so many poor-quality fictions) too many times, one or all of the Mane 6 come across the human and aren't afraid at all, not even slightly wary. Yes, they are cartoon characters and they also tend face down some scary stuff, but if something you've never seen before suddenly appears in front of you, would you trust it right away? I know you replied to my comment saying that they take her to Celestia to see what they should do about her, but my initial assumption was just misinformed. The ponies are acting too friendly right off the bat, have one or a few be the suspicious/cautious voice of reason, and you can make the encounter more believable.

2: Background. It's a lot easier to empathize with a character and get a feel for their personality when we know more about their lives. All we know about Isis is that she lives in Egypt, makes her own clothes, and has a mom. You might be planning on elaborating later in the story, but for a lot of people (myself included) unrelatable characters make me lose interest very quickly. A snapshot of home life can give us a better idea of who she is, also playing into the characterization bit. We need to care about the character, or the events surrounding her will lose meaning.

3: Pacing. As I said before, events in this story happen way to fast. The amount of events you put into the first chapter could easily be spread out into two or three thousand words at least. (Granted, it takes a lot of heavy detail, but detail is good) Your scene transitions could use some work too, it's very jarring to have nothing between "Let's go meet the Princess." and "Hello, Princess." but a handful of dialog. Describe the transition, talk about how they got there. It's better for flow when you describe the process that takes place between events.

And those are pretty much the most glaring issues I could see. If these were fixed, then you would probably have a decent story on your hands. I hope this helps. Also, I invite you to read my own HiE fic (insert shameless self-promotion here) You Do (Not) Belong for a good impression of the kind of thing I've been talking about. Same goes for anyone else who's interested.

Oh, wow, that was a wall of text.

619113 sarcasm will get you no where. So please save your judgment for later, after the fic has had time to start off. People like you make me sick, judging other poeples work just because it's a human in equestria fic. Just so you know I'm supporting the auther 100%, and so is my group so please watch what you say here.

The reason people dislike self-inserts is that the character tends to fall flat for everyone except the author. The author is writing about this OC that they know on such a deep level that they forget to convey exactly why everyone else is supposed to care. On top of that, the character tends to be immediately liked by the rest of the entire cast. If anyone dislikes the self-insert character, that character is immediately villainized for it. The self-insert character more often than not goes on to save the day almost single-hoofedly, while even the most capable of the rest of the cast can only stand in awe at just how amazing this OC is. Yesterday I read a story in which a self-insert character defeated Nightmare Moon alone; that's just stupid.

You can make a character based on yourself and put it in the story, but it's very hard to do without the readers noticing. There are tendencies that novice writers gravitate toward when it comes to this, and it's a natural thing that you have to put effort into avoiding. As the author, one of your jobs is to let the story actually happen with as little of your interference as possible. In short, no one's reading fanfiction to see any of the things described on this page. It's bad writing, and the best way to avoid it in your OCs is to just avoid OCs altogether until you're skilled enough to deal with them properly. Hence my recommendations above.

Just a bit of friendly advice that you can ignore if you disagree, but attacking people is probably the worst way to get what you want. The best thing you can do when it comes to comments like Shiver's is ignore them. You can't intimidate anyone across a message board, after all. Anonymity and all that jazz. I think you should focus more on helping MossMoss improve her story, and less on verbally assaulting anyone who doesn't like it so far. Again though, take this for what you will. I'm no one's boss here.

The healthiest thing MossMoss can actually do here in regard to the negative comments is to analyze what went wrong and why she's getting such remarks. You can help her by reviewing her story with her and working to make something better. That's so much more productive than arguing with people who don't likely even care.

I know why you guys mostly hate HiE, OP OC with dark back story and instantly accepted in society. but hey, there are some good HiE (IMO) too.

I made sure never to say it was impossible for a HiE story not to suck. I'm just explaining why most of them do suck. It takes effort and skill that most fanfiction writers just aren't capable of. It's much safer to deal with established characters than it is to get an audience to care about yours. That said, I know good ones have been done; I've read a few myself. I just don't think it's a good place for a beginner to start. You don't jump straight into the deep end the first time you visit a pool. No, you start with those little floaty armbands, and you depend on those things until you can be trusted not to accidentally kill yourself, after which you can safely move on to the next level.

im just saying, coz i thought you never read any HiE stuff.

as long as she revise it and find some help, i think she can pull this off. especially if she sought some help of those HiE authors (coal buck for example)

619113 dont start us authors get plenty of abuse from people who simply cant keep there opinions to themselves so im asking politely you either dont comment on it in a negative way or not at all, give or it a chance im asking nicely and a few others would agree with me

620031 619970
I think the last thing you want to do is turn this poor girl's comment thread into a flame war. If you can't be convinced not to do it at all, perhaps you should at least consider saving that sort of thing for PMs? Arguing out here where any prospective reader can see it will do MossMoss more harm than good. I'll say nothing more on the subject though, and leave you to your own wisdom.

618035 We do not need you here, so piss off. Your minuscule brain didn't provide any critisim whatsoever,neither did I, but I am only here for the authors goodwill of dispatching you from his story.

620508 Please do not JUST bash the bashers. Don't sink to their levels. We're not here to chase of possible readers, even if they are being jerks. We're here to help support the author and to help deal with (mean) trolls, yes, but just flat-out verbally counter-attacking will get us nowhere. We need to use a little finesse, logic, and facts to turn the trolls to the nice side.
I guess that what I'm saying is don't troll the trolls. Unless of course you can do it in a clever, humorous, non-nasty way.

620625 Understood Sir.

620625>>620629 I used to have the same problem withXaiverOfThailand but a group of my readers and my brother visited his page and fought him off. Visit the story called Survivor Equestria and look for the user and visit his page and read all the comments. He has appologized so don't say anything to him.

And YOU should learn to respect other people's opinions.

Now I feel like a jerk. Thanks a lot.

620723 well were sorry but me and the rest of us knights dont take kindly to people instantly making snap judgments on peolples storys plus i was asking a request in the kindest way possible im trying to avoid war here


And YOU should learn to be respectful to other people's stories.

Keep writing! Like all talents, your writing will only get better with practice. Your story does look promising though.:raritywink:

619962 That's okay. I've accidentally done that before too, but I try not to. Thanks, that helps. I appreciate you giving me tips to help me with this story. :heart:

619860 Thanks!

619988 That is STUPID. My OCs are usually part of a sacred prophecy or whatever, yes, but never do they have the incredibly amazing power to defeat someone powerful as Nightmare Moon or Chrysalis (That's her name, right?) and her huge giant army.That's just purely stupid.
And thanks a lot. I don't need a war here; this is a first attempt at a FiM fanfic.

620723 Yah, that's cuz you kinda are! But it's okay. Just...try not to judge a book by its cover, okay?

To everyone: Thanks for supporting and giving tips. I really appreciate it! RANDOM~~Have you ever chewed Mintnight flavor Mentos gum while drinking apple juice? (Yah, apple juice isn't just for little kids! It's still my favorite drink besides Amp and Monster...) It tastes like sugary coconut! :scootangel:

Hey, no hard feelings about what I said about OCs. I'm just being honest, not mean. Reading and understanding what I said up there will help you to make the good kind of OC--the kind people can read about without wanting to hang themselves. I wasn't insulting yours; I was merely explaining why people hate stories about a new writer's OC. The new writer doesn't usually know what things to avoid, and ends up making a character almost exactly like what I described.

And you're very welcome about the flame war. I wasn't about to sit there and let that happen to you.

Best wishes! :heart:

Normally I'm pretty gentle on new authors, but this was... a generic self insert. I have read exactly ONE good self insert. It's moving too fast. It goes in the beginning from getting water to talking to Celestia in a few hundred words. That's a common symptom of bad self inserts, and the fact that most new writers do a self insert as their first story doesn't help.

:pinkiesmile: nice story so far...i'd like to see more of it

622446 You sure are acting like a prothean, and protheans are stupid. Cut it out, please. And Garrus is a turian. Javik is the prothean. But then you probably already knew that, didn't you? Oh, God! It's a fanfic. Most fanfics I read are pretty generic up to chapter __.

622430 No hard feelings. I'm gonna make a 4-dimensional character sheet for Isis. I was told by a friend that they're helpful if your character is missing something or could be missing something. They take FOREVER to fill out but it's all worth it. Also a mary sue test that's also long but not as long can be found on fan-fiction-stories.spruz.com and the outline for the 4-dimensional character is there as well. It's a very small site with like 4 members. It would be great if a few peeps joined.

Edit: I'm erasing this post because it became a jumbled mess and I had some wrong information in there; I'll send you the original post in a PM so you can still access the details if you want them. All I was trying to say was that that test is a good idea, but it's too nice, so don't trust the numbers it gives you. Writers don't like hearing that their character is a Mary Sue or that their OC is bland, and that test seems to be going easy on the ego about it. Use your best judgment. If you find yourself checking off more than 4 or 5 of those boxes, you're probably doing something wrong, although it's good that you're at least trying to educate yourself on what not to do. It can only help you grow as a writer.


I do realize Garrus is turian. But I couldn't find any good pics of Javik or Vigil.

:pinkiehappy: finally! a new chapter...nice story:pinkiesmile:

628942 Did you really feel it took very long to make that chapter? Sorry...I'm having a little trouble with this, but I promise AT LEAST one chapter a day unless I have more important plans or something prevents me from posting one. :raritywink:

Login or register to comment