• Member Since 10th Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen November 11th


Comments ( 89 )

This is my first story EVER. So any feedback is greatly appreciated. It's far from perfect its going to need revisions so let me know. This is a learning experience for me and I could really use some help. Thank you and I hope you enjoy reading this story as much as I enjoy writing it.

Greetings my friend. I am interested third party and I noticed the posting of this story. May I suggest you look into this document?

and this link


I assure you that it will be worth your time and a good chance you will find like minded individuals.


I have read the document and I am very interested! Thank you for notifying me! :pinkiehappy:

I don't understand who initially rated your story 0 stars. That was uncalled for.
Your story takes an interesting twist other than the other side-stories. Where instead of a Zebra in Equestria, you're featuring the exact opposite. I'll be sure to be a frequent visitor to your story.

Thanks! :pinkiehappy: I'm glad you find it interesting. I choose the zebra home land for bunch of different reasons one of which is that there just isn't that much information about it. This gives me more freedom to work with and a chance for us to see how the war affected the zebras. And other reasons as well but more on that in upcoming chapters. :raritywink:

I love the story so far.

Pace seems a bit off right now, but that should resolve itself as you expand side characters and locations.
Much of your dialogue is information dumping, which isn't a BAD thing, just makes it a bit slow for those of us who already read Fallout Equestria 24-7.
The transition from 'i saved you' to 'student for the next few years' was surprising. I guess there just wasn't so obvious an emotional connection that i was ready for it.

an example of unnecessary info dumping would be the section on Poison joke, which is used to flesh out the single paragraph on Zaeryl's teaching. while a nice reference, it is placed right after "Gathering plants and learning which were safe and which were poisonous." suggesting you were gathering poisonous plants too. If so, why describe one in so much detail if it isn't important (even if it will be important later, describe it then so that people can remember).

Don't let my, or anypony's criticism, stop you from writing. You've put out quite a bit of content over the last few days and it shows promise. Keep it up.

Alright! Chapter 3! Finally done. I have also cleaned up the previous chapters somewhat. No changes to the plot but hopefully it's now less painful to read. I read over the chapters by myself a few times so there still could be some errors, but at least they are fewer then there were before. If anypony out there prefers to read in Google Documents or just wants to help me out with proof reading and the like (Please help! :fluttershysad:) here are the links:
Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pCGxhx2KEvdJqk4N9YFoicTBTvrIOY1A7aaLNbstAW0/edit
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zbOcQh7nCTOEyJc2Hm1uzdqhKpxJXmmZ84UdVXFrF38/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gR6_h6uaY-XOqFrZHXJCI_qcSSockkswJMiEFXH9MwM/edit
Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1R3fX_Dzd8yEb0SWSYz_04Fw5G7Np2dcGdf34khL7s0A/edit

Awesome. I really like it, but can't think of anything useful to say. Hmm... new guy must be Reaper, thought...

You'll just have to wait and see. :raritywink:

"Joram even managed to add some more plates far added protection."

far --- for

The story is currently moving too fast for my tastes, but i understand it too. This is just background exposition. You have yet to get to the juice of it.

Woha soo much disrupted flow.

Also im revoking your right to capslock and exclamation marks.

*cough, cough* I tried to get his attention and he almost fell when he saw me.

I coughed loud in an attempt to get his attention. (continue by describing the pony reacting and stuff)

For a story in First pony perspective you have a ton of logical inconsistencies like this that make the story less than what it is. You break flow at times. I am sure giving it a go over in a google doc I could help you with this. Love the premise, and I'm thirsty for moar.

What?!?!?! But... But... You can't take away my capslock and exclamation marks!:raritycry: I neeeeeEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEeeeeeed them!!! :raritydespair:
Thou hath left us no choice! We shall have to use... THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE!!!

When I get around to reading more, I might have to add some of your story into mine. ;3
I'm really liking where this is going.

96146 I felt terrible after posting that. I sounded like I was some stuck-up snob. If I came across that way, I'm sorry. DX

97183 Heh don't worry you weren't acting like a snob.

I do have one little thing; Shouldn't 'feet' be replaced with 'hooves'

Stayed up until 1:30 am reading this. Totally worth it. :pinkiehappy:

105054 Wow! That would explain the sudden jump in views :pinkiehappy: I'm really glad you like it.:twilightsmile:

Aw some story im really enjoying it keep it up ^^

Awesome chapter man (^-^)/) Brohoof

Oh DERP! :derpytongue2:
Forgot to add the footnote.:twilightblush:
Fixed it now.

The scenes of the village are very visualizing...very sad. Must have been hard to write. It was still a beautiful chapter.

Heh yeah it was. Kind of the reason I procrastinated so much on writing it. I'm glad you liked it.:twilightsmile:
More gruesome things to come though. *sigh*

189077 That's the Wasteland for you. It's fine to be detached from bones,or casualty numbers. Because we simply can't grasp the idea completely. Like when in a war they tell you 2 million people died...that's just too high, too many, that you can't fathom the depth of what really happened. Having it shoved in your face with all the fresh and new bodies is so different. I babble, but I think you got the ideas of that really down. Their reactions to all that was going on was very accurate.

This is a very well written story. The only problem that I have is that there seem to be a number of spelling and/or grammar mistakes. You might want to consider running chapters through a spell checker or pre-readers before posting them. Still a very good story though.:pinkiehappy:

Thank you! :twilightblush: Oh and don't worry I'm constantly fixing them. I have a number of pre-readers who are pointing out various errors and mistakes. I publish chapters as I finish them since my pre-readers are authors also. If I were to wait for them to catch up I wouldn't be posting new chapters for months. They have their own stories to deal with, not to mention real life issues. But yes I constantly fix the chapters as soon as the pre-readers are done with them. The chapters I post (plot-wise) will remain unchanged after i fix them. If some changes are made to the plot or story I will be sure to point this out in my blog. Thanks again for reading Mist's story! :pinkiehappy:

OMG OMG 27k words.... I...I... I simply love you Aerondight )

Great chapter man i hope things improve for you at home im looking forward to more your one of my favorite writers /)

Eah, just want to see more shaman actions from him. I know he collect herbs and make potions, but you not describe that. And ghow about talismans, and other hi-tech zebra magic) Atleast he realy have great wisdom for his age, itsa good.

Great chapter :D altough i don't think i like mist going on the righteous killing path. I think it has been done a bit too many times and it would feel more fresh if he took a more shamanistic aproach

No no no, dont think about it like righteous killing, He "guide lost ponies home and help them find their way through life as well", for someponyes itsa mean go right to hell, thats it. :rainbowlaugh:

What can I say without spoiling anything? Be patient. All things in good time. :raritywink:

What can I say without spoiling anything? Be patient. All things in good time. :raritywink:346816

Oh let him enjoy playing a good pony. It's not like it'll last or anything. :pinkiehappy:

A evil shamaan. a boktar that's a suprise.

Whens the next chapter? Like the story :twilightsmile:

Damn, Mist have such potential for this town/socium/civil war. But he is still so young for such serious shit. And i hard to remember then last time hed been fully sucsessfull in something. I see story is slow and realistic, but he is hero, for Celestia's manure. I cant wait for da next chapta. (sory my english is shit, and this is phone):twilightsheepish:

647025 Umm... hard to say. Probably by the end of next week, but don't hold me to it. It depends on inspiration. Could be sooner, could be later.

So when's chapter 11 coming out? You did leave us with a massive cliffhanger.

Poor pony he is going to be put in situations were he has to lead no matter what he thinks. And despite what he thinks, he is a good one. Maybe that will make him a even better one.

i see one thing what make this story absoulutely unical. 176k words, and not romantic line at all. :pinkiehappy:

780432 Is that a good thing? It's not that I have something against romance, it's just that I believe that it takes time. Honestly you cant have your character meet the love of their lives in only a few chapters and then already have them madly in love in the next three chapters after they met. It's silly and unrealistic. Relationships have to be developed over time, so it will be a long while before Mist finds his love.

ofcourse it is not "good", i like romance. I belive what you will make cute romance line when time is come.
ps. i wote for zebra

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