*cough, cough* I tried to get his attention and he almost fell when he saw me.
I coughed loud in an attempt to get his attention. (continue by describing the pony reacting and stuff)
For a story in First pony perspective you have a ton of logical inconsistencies like this that make the story less than what it is. You break flow at times. I am sure giving it a go over in a google doc I could help you with this. Love the premise, and I'm thirsty for moar.
38635 What?!?!?! But... But... You can't take away my capslock and exclamation marks! I neeeeeEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEeeeeeed them!!! Thou hath left us no choice! We shall have to use... THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE!!!
Alright! Chapter 3! Finally done. I have also cleaned up the previous chapters somewhat. No changes to the plot but hopefully it's now less painful to read. I read over the chapters by myself a few times so there still could be some errors, but at least they are fewer then there were before. If anypony out there prefers to read in Google Documents or just wants to help me out with proof reading and the like (Please help! ) here are the links:
Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pCGxhx2KEvdJqk4N9YFoicTBTvrIOY1A7aaLNbstAW0/edit
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zbOcQh7nCTOEyJc2Hm1uzdqhKpxJXmmZ84UdVXFrF38/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gR6_h6uaY-XOqFrZHXJCI_qcSSockkswJMiEFXH9MwM/edit
Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1R3fX_Dzd8yEb0SWSYz_04Fw5G7Np2dcGdf34khL7s0A/edit
Awesome. I really like it, but can't think of anything useful to say. Hmm... new guy must be Reaper, thought...
36233
You'll just have to wait and see.
*cough, cough* I tried to get his attention and he almost fell when he saw me.
I coughed loud in an attempt to get his attention. (continue by describing the pony reacting and stuff)
For a story in First pony perspective you have a ton of logical inconsistencies like this that make the story less than what it is. You break flow at times. I am sure giving it a go over in a google doc I could help you with this. Love the premise, and I'm thirsty for moar.
38635
What?!?!?! But... But... You can't take away my capslock and exclamation marks! I neeeeeEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEeeeeeed them!!!
Thou hath left us no choice! We shall have to use... THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE!!!