Twilight's Kingdom

cherished #1 · Feb 9th, 2015 · 5 · 4 ·

*Sees Flash Sentry*
*Sees Twilight*
*Notice the title is "Random"*
I had a close fucking call there, but nonetheless, this story needs help.

I just don't want any Flash & Twilight Fics Out There.
Okay?

Cheesey Microwave

Cheesey Microwave #2 · Feb 9th, 2015 · 1 · ·

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*reads first three paragraphs*
i.imgur.com/2w591.gif

PROBLEM NUMBER ONE: Formatting

"Dear Princess Celestia" and the rest of the letter seem to be part of the narration, which I'm guessing it isn't. Use quotes or italics or something for writing letters. It's just confusing and makes you look, well, ~~stupid~~ ~~uneducated~~ like you're never used different formatting for anything.

PROBLEM NUMBER TWO: Seven Years Since A Letter

Do you really think Twilight would go seven years without doing some sort of important task where she needs or wants to send a report to Princess Celestia? Or re you trying to say that she hasn't written to Celestia at all for seven years, which is ridiculous? They were very close to each other. Twilight couldn't visit Celestia in the flesh every day, but she could easily write a letter!

PROBLEM NUMBER THREE: OOC Twilight

OOC stands four Out Of Character. In the entry, Twilight is being extremely childish and her grammar is despicable. An AU tag is no excuse for her lack of intelligence and maturity.

PROBLEM NUMBER FOUR: Your Grammar

Get a proofreader or an editor. I had better grammar when I was in the fifth grade.

ShadowblazeCR

ShadowblazeCR #3 · Feb 9th, 2015 · · ·

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It's kinda sad that I have to study and I've put that on a higher on the list of things to do then your story.

The Blessed One

The Blessed One #4 · Feb 9th, 2015 · 2 · 1 ·

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5607233 I now know why your the jobless editor.

fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/070/d/2/my_little_pony__flashlight_by_masterof4elements-d79uqw9.png

Reeve

Reeve #5 · Feb 9th, 2015 · · ·

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5607532 I hate the ship, but I love the name just because of the innuendo

The Blessed One

The Blessed One #6 · Feb 9th, 2015 · · ·

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5607555 I don't much care for his human form, (He looks a bit too anime for my taste) but his pony form is just too cute for me to dislike the ship.

Besides, Twilight needs a stallion to keep her head on for her. (No, brony OC's don't count.)

The Guardian and Friends

The Guardian and Friends #7 · Feb 9th, 2015 · · ·

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5607574

Big Mac...?

The Blessed One

The Blessed One #8 · Feb 9th, 2015 · · ·

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5607623 In the show, has Twilight ever even spoken to Big Mac? (Seriously, I can't remember.)

Hatty_Hattington

Hatty_Hattington #9 · Feb 9th, 2015 · 1 · ·

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Luckily her favorite stallion is there to help. Look forward to more from the is universe. I'm calling it an AU but really it's the same world with some very minor changes.

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It had been seven years since she had sent a report to Celestia

Right off da' faking bat, you wrote Twilight out of character. Bear in mind she caused mass hysteria in Ponyville because she was LATE to send a letter.

but Twilight Sparkle always started her journal entries with this address

Why is she writing a letter in her journal?

It was Pinkie Pie and Cheese’s five year anniversary today

At least you used one good ship

so of course there was a giant party.

Of course

I have no idea how those two manage to get all those balloons so quickly or where they keep those party cannons!

I'd have a guess that it'd be in a storage closet, or a room of some sorts.

Pinkie told me they planned on having the party indoors but that their daughter Cocoa always gets upset when confetti gets on their floor.

Well that's stupid.

“I asked her if it would be alright if we had the party outside. I told her she could help me shoot the cannons and she said that would be fun.

If she gets upset when confetti is on the floor, then she is gonna' have a shit time outside because the ground is just a giant floor.

but she’s a funny filly

Not the words I'd use

Cocoa loves confetti

But ONLY when it's in the air or in some kind of container, and God help you if a singular molecule of confetti lands on the ground. She will drown you in her tears!

I couldn’t thing of why Cocoa would be upset before.

Don't you just hate it when you can't thing things?

It kept bothering me so I asked Cheese about it

And he said Cocoa it literally insane

He seemed worried about her.

With good reason, Cocoa has killed for less

“Pinkie can hardly get her to smile when we are at home.

That's when you increase the morphine dosage

She wished Spike was here but he was away in Manehatten supporting Rarity in her fashion show.

Of course!

He would know exactly where to start investigating Cocoa’s strange behavior.

Isn't this story about that Flesh- I-Uh, I mean, Flashlight ship, yeah, Flash...

When the castle had been first created, Twilight had pictured the six of them here together.

"And then her friends were all like 'PSYCHE'"

She had thought that that was how things would always be.

Silly Twilight, you don't think, Flash thinks

She could still count on her friends to help her with any problem, using their different gifts to create the magic of friendship.

AND PRACTICE THE FORBIDDEN MAGIC OF SOUL ARTS

“You’ve got something heavy on your mind Princess.”

Princess?
Fuck me, Flash is whipped as fuck

“Flash you scared me!”

"Please don't beat me!" Twilight screamed, cowering under Flash

“Twi, what is it? You’ve got that look on your face.”

"The look that shows you're thinking, we all know you DON'T think" Flash said in a monotone voice, slowly approaching Twilight with his beating hoof ready

“I don’t have a look.”

She said, desperately trying to hold back the tears

“Of course you don’t.” Flash Sentry nudged her playfully

down the stairs, making sure that Twilight hit every step, for every hit reminded Twilight that Flash was in charge, and- Oh, sorry. I got bored of your story so I made up my own.

“I was just thinking that with all of us drifting our own ways, I’m not sure how much I should be involved in my friend’s lives.

There is literally no point to the following conversation in which they discuss how involved Twilight should be, and how hurt they will all feel. Because despite the constant self belittlement and remeasurement, nothing will change.

“Well you see it’s Cocoa.”
“Pinkie and Cheese’s filly?”

No... your filly... it's yours...

“Yes you see she has been acting odd

She hasn't been bathing in the blood of those who drop confetti for some time

and I think it might be important.

Okay, let's stop the train there. She get's upset when her house is unclean. To me, that just screams OCD. It isn't that much of a problem that Royalty and her abusive husband have to look into it.

“Did she or Cheese and for your help?”

What does that even mean?

“Cheese sort of did and I told him I’d look into it but I don’t want to overstep anything.”

They asked for your help, you can't overstep anything

“Well…you are the Princess.” Twilight shot him an angry glance. This was a touchy subject between the two of them.

Her status is a touchy subject, how?!

Flash believed that Twilight had a royal duty to help everypony,

A nice sentiment, but I don't believe it has ever been the royal duty to help everyone, just their duty to run the country

Twilight thought that was ridiculous, she wasn’t better than anypony else

For once I am taking Flash's side, because he isn't saying you're better, he's saying it's your duty to help others

“You know it doesn’t work like that! I’m not better than anypony, I can’t just walk into other people’s lives!”

He's not saying you're better and you can walk into others lives

“I’m not saying you’re better, I’m saying you’re different.

and Fluttershy…” Flash faltered for a moment and neither pony could meet each other’s eyes for a moment before Flash continued.

Flash had made the mistake of remembering dear Fluttershy, who brought joy to all... but that was before the plague hit

“The point is all of them are doing great things

Well, they're kinda' doing what they were doing 7 years ago, except now they have more people to do it with

Using her magic and knowledge of friendship to help ponies was her job so why did she question it?
Because what if I mess up?

Then you move on, christ!

There it was. That old insecurity she’d always had. No matter how many lessons on friendship she learned, nor how many years she lived. It was always there: that paralyzing fear of failure.

That fear of failure is normal, everyone is scared of failing

She felt Flash’s mane brush tickle her ears as he leaned in, comforting her.

Why does Flash have a main brush?

Then she turned to her husband her eyes

her husband

img.pandawhale.com/post-8255-OH-HELL-TO-THE-NO-gifs-veiL.gif

“Okay so where should we start to help Cocoa.”

Don't say it

Flash grinned wider, “I’m guessing the library.”

NOOOOO!

“It’s like you read my mind.”

No, nooooo
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This story is just bad, just so very bad... no more... please

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thechicken95

thechicken95 #10 · Feb 10th, 2015 · · ·

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It had been seven years since she had sent a report to Celestia but Twilight Sparkle always started her journal entries with this address—some habits just felt right.

And why has it been sever years? Twilight is Celestia's student for fucks sake! I'd think that would be a pretty big explanation! Oh? We're not going to get one are we...

It was Pinkie Pie and Cheese’s five year anniversary today so of course there was a giant party. I have no idea how those two manage to get all those balloons so quickly or where they keep those party cannons! Pinkie told me they planned on having the party indoors but that their daughter Cocoa always gets upset when confetti gets on their floor.

Second thing: formatting. Usually letters are written in itallics so that it stands out from the actual narrative and diolague. Here? I have no fucking clue if this is a narration, or a letter. Now moving on to the story, is that a failed Cupcakes refrence? Maybe I'm looking too deep into this (cause trust me, you don't have to see how shitty this story is). And why would Cocoa get upset at glitter on the floor when she'd be use to the fact that she's the DAUGHTER of the two biggest party ponies in fucking Equestria!!?? Wait, you're telling me it's because she doesn't like things on the floor? That's... A bit odd. Why she's perfectly fine with glitter on the grass is anyone's guess.

Twilight walked out of her study and into the throne room. It was strange. When the castle had been first created, Twilight had pictured the six of them here together. She had thought that that was how things would always be. But life had moved forward. She could still count on her friends to help her with any problem, using their different gifts to create the magic of friendship. However, it wasn’t often the six of them all met in this room. They all had their own individual lives to live and though she felt in her heart that their friendship would last forever, it made Twilight a little sad.

Now, here's another problem. It's clearly seen in the Season Four finale that this castle was meant to be their new home. Unless something happened (which is hastily explained here), then I'd expect them to always stick together. And another thing: show us that Twilight is sad. It's not enough to just tell us. We need to be emotionally invested with her. Maybe say that her head sank to the ground, or something. A pang in her heart maybe.

“You’ve got something heavy on your mind Princess.” Came a voice from behind Twilight making her jump.
“Flash you scared me!” Twilight scolded before nuzzling her husband.
“Twi, what is it? You’ve got that look on your face.”
“I don’t have a look.”
“Of course you don’t.” Flash Sentry nudged her playfully with his orange hoof. “I just read minds. So are you going to tell me or not?”
“If you read minds I shouldn’t have to.” Twilight retorted nudging him back. But she answered him anyway, “I was just thinking that with all of us drifting our own ways, I’m not sure how much I should be involved in my friend’s lives. I mean I know they know I care about them and we’ve always helped each other but—“

Now, unlike some others here, I'm perfectly fine with FlashxTwilight, even though Flash IS a bland ass Gary Stu. Why? Eh, I just like the paring and that people can do good things with Flash. This is actually the best part of the story for me, and while it's still not good per say, you're at least trying to do convey that they love each other. While the diolague is bland as all hell and doesn't reach past Pokemon levels, you're still at least showing us that they do care for each other (hell, even Lucas had trouble doing that in the Star Wars Prequles with Anakin and Obi-Wan).

So the end of the story is just more diolague about Cocoa, Twilight worrying about if she'll mess up, and that's the end.

Verdict: While this is an unholy abomination of a Fic, it does have a little sense of being average when it comes to FlashxTwilight. Still, it's way too rushed, we're not shown much, and poorly executed. 1/10

Sauron