You Don't Know Your Tea, Trust Me.
Heading up the backstairs in the Sugarcube Corner bakery on a quick errand to personally remind Pinkie Pie of Rarity's tea party for tomorrow, Twilight caught the faint scent of tea brewing. It was with a wiry smile she took it in.
'So that's why Pinkie Pie hasn't been around lately.' She thought, mulling over the smell.
Rarity had asked her to go and check on the earth pony, seeing that Pinkie Pie hasn't shown her face downstairs or in town for nearly a whole day. How terrible? It was rather unheard of for Pinkie Pie to be so alone, she was told. If Pinkie Pie wasn't with someone, then she was making something for someone and she'd usually tell somebody about it.
Not even Rainbow Dash knew, her partner in crime for terrible pranks. Not even the Cakes who noted their baking apprentice became unusually quiet when she came back from the postal office with several bagged packages. From yesterday to today's late morning, absolutely nobody knew what Pinkie Pie was up to and since Twilight was the only one who wouldn't be too obvious on encouraging Pinkie Pie to come to a gathering, she was strongly volunteered.
'I didn't think Fluttershy would sell me out like that.' Twilight muttered, still feeling at odds on what to say.
Was it really odd for Pinkie Pie to have some alone time to herself?
Twilight could count into the hundreds of times she pushed ponies aside for a little privacy and time to think. The unicorn wiggled her nose as she tried to place the tea in her mind. Potent but not pungent with a leafy fume mixing into a spicy tang of something she didn't know. Whatever it was, it made her stomach rumble in excitement. She walked to the door and knocked, the smell of the tea stronger as she stood near the entrance.
“I'm a bit busy! You're not the boss of me, you-” Something crashed and a plume of thick blue smoke drifted by the unicorn as she noticed the door was slightly opened. She heard the sounds of papers ripping before a pregnant guilty pause, then the stumbling of hooves and the oddest sound in a world. A sigh. “Door's open. Unless you're- Come in, come in.”
Twilight pushed the door opened and saw Pinkie Pie fiddling with a suspended makeshift campfire, a metal pot and a iron kettle. Below the campfire, there was a flat plastic sheet catching the ashes and loose sparks that fell. Bright blue smog escaped the silvery flames beating the pot and kettle, the two dishes sitting onto of a metal plate as it flew out Pinkie Pie's opened windows. The pot bubbled and boiled, thin strands of magic crackling as the earth pony twirled around, fanning it with a tied stalk of long yellow weeds.
“Hello Twilight.” Pinkie said, her voice a breathless declaration and a quick side eye to Twilight as she whirled the weed fan as she circled the campfire. “What brings you by? Would you like a cupcake or a doughnut this fine morning? Mr. Cake is taking over my position on the counter for today and he likes to add an extra sprinkle of pumpkin spice to perk up the morning ponies, hehe. ”
“Actually, I'm here to remind you of Rarity's tea party. She wants to make sure you'll come.” Twilight felt her eyes meeting the floor and with Pinkie passing her on her umpteenth circlet, she noticed the mare's soot-caked hooves. “She thinks you're cooped up in your room for too long. You might have even forgotten what the sun is like. Those were Rarity's words by the way.”
“Ehhh...” Pinkie Pie crouched down, dropping her weed fan and directly blowing into the flame. For lack of a better word, the silver flame gurgled before briefly turning purple. “Now normally, I am not one for dropping parties, shindigs, get-to-gethers, lunch dates, soirees or orgies but... And this is a strong but... I can't make it to Rarity's tea party.”
“But aren't you making tea for the party?”
“I've sent Rarity a reply in the mail that I couldn't make it yesterday and-” Pinkie Pie paused as she took a ladle from the numerous cooking supplies she had laying on the floor. Bringing it over to the pot to tap the side three times before dipping it in. “You- You think this is tea? Really? Really?! Just like Mr. Cake...”
“It smells like it, yeah. I wouldn't call myself a tea expert but this isn't a smell that wouldn't be out of place in the Princess' private quarters.” Twilight remembered many of times she had came across the Princess drinking exotic and stinky tea that had Twilight running from the room.
“Seriously? Tea...?”
The earth pony gently scooped out a spoon-full of the liquid, poked the lid off the kettle and poured it inside. Then she quickly put the ladle to the side, grabbed the the lid and held the kettle tightly. The kettle shook in her hooves before releasing a thin strand of midnight blue smoke through the spout. Using her tail, she grabbed the handle of the kettle as she placed six cups on a side table, pouring each cup to the brim.
“Pinkie Pie, I didn't think you were the tea making type.” She said in awe, watching as Pinkie Pie poured fresh water into the kettle and placed back onto the metal pan. The earth pony darted over to her bags, pulling out dried herbs and moving a folded table to sit adjacent to the campfire. “If you wanted it to be a surprise for Rarity's party, I won't tell.”
“Surprise?” Pinkie Pie snorted, rubbing her stained hooves together as she leaned against the table. She took a thoughtful look at the tea cooling in the cup and gave Twilight a funny-looking smile. On anyone else, it would have been a sneer. “This isn't tea.” She exclaimed, shaking her head as she dragged a hoof across her forehead. “I mean the name is Virginity. Hehee. But I wouldn't call it tea. It is a tea but not tea. Do you get it?”
Huh?
“Pinkie Pie, how can a tea be a tea without- I'm not going to finish that sentence. It sounds crazy.” Twilight turned her attention to the cups Pinkie had put aside, examining the golden liquid that sat inside of them. She took a great whiff and her desire to try it was ignited. “Can I have a taste?”
“Hmmm...” The earth pony answered, hauling over a cutting board and several long stalks of fresh violets in her muzzle. She dropped the cutting board onto the table, then the flower before taking a bowl off the shelf. Pinkie Pie's tail twitch, a z-shape running up and down her tail before she grabbed hold of the bowl and turned toward Twilight. “Hmmmmmm....”
“Well?”
“Twilight, do you like being friends?”
“Where did this come from? Yes Pinkie, I like being friends with you.”
“And as friends, it's expected that friends share things. Right?”
“Yes...?”
“And we are friends, Twilight Sparkle. Twilight Sparkle, formerly a unicorn and mostly a unicorn with wings.”
“Indeed we are, Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie, earth pony.”
“Just checking.” With the bowl placed on the table, Pinkie Pie began pulling the blue petals of the violets, dropping them in. “Only virgins can drink it.”
Twilight sucked in a huge intake of air, her wings flaring out as she felt the blood rush to her face. “What do-” The unicorn replayed her friend's words and felt laughter bubbling up. Virgins? What kind of ridiculous drink would be made specifically for virgins. Twilight couldn't fathom the specifics for the type of virgins that would be served this tea. What really made one a virgin?
“It's a magical sort of drink from my neck of the dirt. I mean, world. Wait, I mean Equestria. Whatever. It's a very old recipe, probably dates all the way back before Equestria was made. You know, the old days when earth ponies had to make all the food.” Pinkie Pie tilted her head as she began smashing the petals with her hoof. “Look Twilight, you probably don't know what virgins mean-”
Twilight laughed, her cackles crowding over Pinkie Pie's words. With little hurrah, the unicorn levitated the nearest cup and took a safe sip, careful not to burn her tongue. She sloshed the tea within her mouth for a few minutes, the smell of it all entangling into her nostrils and throat. And when she swallowed, Twilight found herself reaching a nasty epiphany.
She couldn't taste anything.
“So?” Pinkie Pie asked, switching to the stalks of the flowers and stripping them into thin lines.
“This is the best tea I have ever tasted.” The unicorn proclaimed, gulping the rest of the mix and still tasting nothing. Not even water. “The brew is understated as the flavor simmers into a array of sophisticated dark tang, leaving just a bittersweet aftertaste.” Did practicing kissing with Smarty Pants really count as not being a virgin. It was a doll, for Celestia's sake! Or was it because she was trying more advanced- “This might even be better than the tea I shared with the Princess as a foal.”
“But Twilight, it's not tea. You can't taste anything-”
“You should totally bring this to Rarity's party.” Twilight said a little too quickly. “Even if it's not tea to you, I think Rarity should totally, totally be the one to make this call. It seems to me that you have a definition problem and I'll-” Twilight levitated the rest of the cups. “Show these to Rarity so she can straighten this out.” The unicorn started to back away.
“Twilight wait. Rarity is my friend too. Rarity, the unicorn.”
“And she will totally understand since we're all friends. I'm just sharing what you shared with me.”
Twilight ran away.
“Okay, unicorn.”
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I find myself confused, i understand that the joke is a play on words while also saying that Twilight is a virgin, yet i do not understand why Pinkie is making said tea/potion.
Also could we get to see a follow up to see Twilight try to make the other five drink it?
Wat.
I just...
Yeah.
5543878
Virginity is not the joke. Twilight is the joke. Think about it. Twilight the former unicorn is drinking 'tea' from her friend Pinkie Pie who is an earth pony who isn't from around 'here'.
5543894
5543916
Fun fact: That will be a future story.
Uhhhh... What? This is totally... what?
Ohmygosh am I missing something here?!
5543962
There is a punchline. Think about it.
Twilight was and is a unicorn. Pinkie Pie is an earth pony. Rarity is also a unicorn. Mr. Cake has unicorn relatives. And despite Pinkie Pie's kettle and pot, she wasn't making tea.
5543980
Your profile pic is the exact copy of my face right now...
5543961 Apologies for missing the joke,I am not really good at such things as finding underlying meaning in ether speech or writing ,and do not see why that specifically would be funny?
5543983
Say, what are you confused about? Really? Did it feel like the story ended too abruptly?
5543991
I really liked word-play. I did the add the random tag as a warning. It's a punchline that makes you say 'oh' instead of 'ha'. Don't get distracted from the point like Twilight was.
5544009 Okay thanks for taking the time to explain.
5544009
Heheh... Maybe I'm just too Twilight and the point flew over my head too
I almost never have trouble picking up any underlying humor or hidden jokes with the exception of references that I'm not familiar with (and I LOVE word play and puns). So I can say without a doubt, even after reading your "hints" in the comments, if this has some kind of punch line you've obscured it to a point beyond reasonable recognition.
The characters felt a little off in how they spoke, speaking in abrupt short start and go sentences but over all it wasn't off putting and went from point A to point B well enough. Overall, it doesn't deserve a thumbs down by any means but I can't find a reason to give it a thumbs up either. Just kinda, stuck in limbo.
Okay this is pissing me right the fuck off.
What the fuckdiggityuck is the meaning? Where's the pun?? Does 'unicorn' mean something??? Or is 'virgin' a metaphor for something unrelated????
And why is Pinkie acting weird?!?
...
Weird for Pinkie, I mean...
I'm sure you've got clever answers that make perfect sense but they're not visible to the rest of us! Please fucking explain!
I have to be honest...
The reason everyone is confused? Is because there is no apparent point to anything in this story, and there certainly doesn't appear to be any wordplay. Whatever you intended the point and punchline of this to be? Nobody's going to get it because it isn't making any sense to anybody but you.
5544132
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5544224
Blog here for why I wrote it. But why don't I explain myself?
Virgin definition:
: a person who has not had sexual intercourse
: a person who does not have experience in a particular activity, job, etc.
And this one,
The tribal years when earth ponies basically had to make all the food. With all of Pinkie Pie's movement and smells, it looks like she is making something really good. But when Twilight drinks it...
The Emperor's New Clothes.
Like so,
Twilight goes to tell Rarity to straighten this out, whether the tea is really tea. Rarity is also a unicorn, she would smell the same thing and as Pinkie implied by reminding Twilight of Rarity's unicorn status, would also be tasting nothing and lying about it.
----000---
Other Things:
-Mr. Cake has unicorn relatives, thereby unicorn blood.
-Pinkie Pie was anxious when Twilight first came and tried to discreetly encourage her to leave.
-Despite what Twilight thinks, Pinkie Pie wasn't done what she was doing. She kept on cooking.
-Pinkie Pie's tail twitched in a z-pattern and she took the time to think about what she was going to say. She asked Twilight if she liked being friends before resuming to discreetly remind Twilight that she was a unicorn. She knew what Twilight was going to do.
-In Hearth's Warming Eve, unicorns are called snobs by the earth ponies. But that doesn't stop them from eating the food the earth ponies make and grow. In this story, Twilight is firmly calling what Pinkie Pie is doing as tea and goes forth to share it with Rarity, a unicorn. Her intention is to see if Rarity will also taste nothing but of course, Rarity might also say the tea tastes great and force it on to the others.
And outright, Pinkie Pie says, “But Twilight, it's not tea. You can't taste anything-”
But Twilight laughs over her, continuing to force her opinion. How snobbish of her, though she admitted she knew nothing about tea.
5544300 okay, it's part criticism of unicorns and people who assert their opinions on matters they have little understanding of
I got that the first time around
But what I couldn't understand and what made me second guess every idea I had was this: what in the name of Celestia's big fat ASS does Pinkie mean when she says "only virgins can drink it?"
Is she deliberately trying to trick Twilight, as the clothes maker in The Emperor's New Clothes did?
Is the drink itself some kind of metaphor for the story, with a seemingly complex and alluring face value but with no taste or meaning underneath??
Or is it something else entirely?
I am also confused.
5544358
She means what she says. Only virgins can taste it. Why? Because they haven't tasted it before and they'll say it tastes like something!
5544362
How come?
5544381
5544300
5544381 Yyyyeah see...that's too abstract. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be abstract and all? But 99% of the time, when you write abstractism like this, you're going to get EXACTLY the kind of reaction this has been met with.
IE, utter confusion.
Read the story, read all the comments (and the blog post), re-read the story. Still don't get what is suppose to be the point. *shrugs*
I...
What?
5544731
From what I gather.. It was some sort of Earth Pony witchcraft and, at that point in brewing, it smelled like excellent tea. And for reasons, only pure blooded Earth Pony virgins can taste it.
So.. Twilight was babbling to convince Pinkie that she was a virgin. During this, Pinkie was probably thinking "Shut up and go away, kinda trying to summon Shub-Niggurath here".
Or something.
Though I would've pegged Pinkie as the most likely to be sexually experienced.
Hmm.. Time for a list! From most likely to have made the Spider Pony to least likely.
Pinkie
Rainbow Dash
Rarity
Applejack
Twilight
Fluttershy
Yeah, add me to the list of people who don't get it.
5544453
5544731
5544788
5544864
5544926
Guys, I'm going to be honest with you. I don't understand what there is to not get. The entire story is just a punchline for the title. Virginity and Virgini-Tea. Freakin hilarious. When I commented earlier, I didn't mean to leave hints like there was a greater message. There isn't. I might write a story in the same vein with Twilight and Pinkie Pie talking about cooking but that is far, far from now.
Is there a point to this story, well I'm going to say to look at that bright blue random tag and tell me. What is the point that you are looking for?
See, I don't get what's so abstract about it. Maybe I put too much focus on Pinkie Pie's cooking but Twilight lied about the taste, kept on calling it tea and took off with the intention to make Rarity drink it. Why was she doing it? Because if only virgins can taste it and Twilight couldn't, then Rarity could or couldn't either. Choose your headcannon about Rarity but the punchline is that this was the same sort of behavior going on in the old ages. And it's about to resume.
Shoot, that makes me want to write that fic about cooking even more.
5545112
That was a long way to go for a pun.
5545131
Have you read Feathers For The Featherlord? I'm known for this crazyness!
5544381
I like this oneshot and I find it quite amusing to see how many people try to find an underlying punchline when there simply isn't.
English isn't even my native language and in all honesty I've understood it immediately. Maybe not the emperors clothes reference as such but I understood. Reading Regina Wright's explanations only confirmed what I already thought was intended.
So I guess sometimes, the joke is that there simply is none. It's just what is said and, like Regina said, that Twilight immediately thought Pinkie was referring to Twilight being a virgin as in sexually not a virgin as in 'has never tried that tea before'.
5545153
Where have you been, you glorious person you! Thank you,
5545169
No problem. I guess your humour has just been a little bit too high for some people, since it's no ordinary pun-based-punchline-humour.
It's more dry and plain. It's directed more at behaviour and thinking patterns into which people easily fall than at situations and funny turns of events as such.
Am I correct with my approach at explaining it?
You would probably be one of those who understand the comics at xkcd.com
Do you know xkcd?
5545189
Yes, you're right and I do know about xkcd. I just didn't expect all these comments. I figured I get three going 'haha' with the rest moving on. And I haven't said yet but thank you for reading. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
5545212
It was nice to have something so radically different for once. I think your story is the first one with this focus here.
..or at least the first one I see.
Oh and to object to 5544132 , I didn't think the characters were off. Pinkie was not making very much sense, true, but only if you didn't take her words literal. Twilight's sentences being to short, I don't see, since she's flustered by the fact that she's so blankly being told about her virginity. It makes sense for her neurotic character to become a little erratic.
Also I don't think it's all that important what meaning the tea has or if it has any meaning at all. (I hope, again, I understood your intentions correctly). The point is simply the aforementioned. If that tea has special properties and/or meaning or not is not relevant to the story. This to those who might criticise this point of your story.
5545263
I said they felt a "little" off, not a lot. It felt like their conversation was more jarring than fluid and more stiff than casual conversation between friends. To your statement of: "Twilight's sentences being to short, I don't see, since she's flustered by the fact that she's so blankly being told about her virginity." Here is the first paragraph right when she speaks to Pinkie, before Virginity is even brought up:
These are short abrupt sentences that I feel could have been presented better without such stiffness in the speech. So, it seemed like it was worthwhile constructive criticism to put forth for the author's consideration for future endeavors.
5545112
Okay, well, if there's nothing to get, then instead add me to the list of people who didn't think it was amusing.
5545340
You have been noted.
My brain farted then exploded. This was good. Write more.
Is it weird that I understood this?
I enjoyed the joke, but as a story it doesn't really work. It's just too incomplete with that sudden stop.
After rereading this story, I have determined one important fact: Both Twilight and I did not learn anything from "Swarm of the Century."
Specifically, we failed to learn that Pinkie Pie is a needlessly cryptic bastard and one should not take anything she says at face value.
Also racism?
For some reason?
This really messed me up.
I thought that the punchline was Twilight wasn't a virgin and then I thought pinkie was cooking unicorn then it went to elder gods and now it's back to Twilight not being a virgin.
That is the punchline, right? Right?
5548208
data.archive.moe/board/a/image/1336/87/1336879456171.gif
5548678 You feckin troll! I'll knock you out, you piece o' shite! I swear it on me mum!
(I did enjoy the story.)
5545112 i get a feeling this virgini-tea might have been a folksy earth pony lesson in humili-tea.
Well, this is way too complicated even after understanding your point. Also, Twilight feels a little OOC if that is the answer... Damn this fic made me tired trying to get it.
5788394
Yes! That is the story in a nut-shell!
5792377
Some people don't coffee, some people don't like tea.
5544009 it made me say "what?" I can find no point. But then it appears to be some sort of sex joke and I never get them. Nor see why they're funny.
5793270
I don't like either, but that doesn't make this a bad story. I just got a brain cramp.
I just now found this story. I must chide Ozmandias42 for not recommending it to me.
Quite well done.
Ahhh I see what ya did there.
The point of virgini-tea is to be pure and uncorrupted by other flavors.
Or maybe I'm over thinking it.