A thirteen-year-old pegasister that's using MLP to stabilize her aggression.
Twilight would like to talk to her friends about inviting new species into Equestrian, but before saying more, Twilight herds her friends into the basement to introduce them to someone. Once introduced, she asks them to eat something, that will change all of their lives forever. And they will learn the Truth. And that it's not always bad to change your colors.
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This totally does not make sense at all. sorry man immediate downvote.
WOW?! can you make this story with more sense?
I'm sorry, but this is RUSHED as hell. Several of the plot elements make no sense. Like, at all. Sombra was demonstrably evil, since the Crystal Ponies were terrified at the mere possibility of even remembering what he did to them. Sounds a lot like PTSD. How would Celestia choose cutie marks? Just... everything!
I was hopeing that this would have been a story about Twilight being a changling and finally telling her friends about it . But than I got this rushed story about this . If someone is reading this plz make a story about that than tell me about it , other than that 5/10
Sorry everybrony. I know I'm a rusher... It's just... me.
Sorry though.
5521822 Hey, you're 13 years old. I was just as rushed when I was your age. The important thing is you realize it. Work to stretch it out without fluff and filler. Maybe this story, say 10 things happen in 1000 words. That's 1 per 100. Now, try to make each thing take 120. Not much, an extra 20 words. Then 150. 200. 250...
5521839
I'm sorry, but you see, when a story pops in my head, it just sits there, pestering me to be let out, so... I type it. I know it's rushed which is why I changed it to "Incomplete!"
I like how dark this sounds, why isn't there a dark tag?
I'll be watching out for this story than . But I do have one question . Were would you go after this ?
i wuv this. update more. add a dark tag.
'Da "Dark" has been added.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!
5521963
I have know idea!
...
Should I add "Slice of Life?"
5522076 Yes.
5522078
Ya' know... I think I saw your username over at "Kingdom of Monsters..."
5522124 Did you just mention Godzilla , king of all monsters ? In your last comment
Good. I will be back for more.
Sorry, sometimes I get overreactive.
I love emotos! Have some derpy!
5522124 really?
MMMMMOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5522230
No
... Not Godzilla...
5522712
Yeah. I'm pretty sure I did...
5523905
Heh heh... I'll see what I can do!
My bad . If I see something like "kingdom of monsters" I assume it has something to do with Godzilla , being the king of all monsters and all .
just a little mistake nothing more
Pretty cool start. But now that we are on our way, how about a little back story here? I want to know what's been going down with a bit more detail then "CELESTIA'S A MOTHER-BUCKING LAIR!!"
As for Luna being brainwashed, I'm probably one of many or few who believe the show points to that very conclusion... along with every other pony in Equestria. Considering Celestia had to maintain her rule for 1000 years, she had to do SOMETHING to keep things as peaceful as they were. Not to mention she comes off as condescending and not willing to listen to reason if she thinks you are wrong (Changeling Wedding, Anyone?). Plus, I love her (and consequently EVERYPONY'S) misconceptions of harmony in the show. Harmony literally means the balance of all things. That means ALL THINGS. Loyalty - Betrayal. Laughter - Sadness. Honesty - Lying. Generosity - Greed. Kindness - Cruelty. Faith - Disbelief (My understanding there). Order - Chaos. <= This is the biggest misconception. Celestia's rule in the show reflects ORDER. The society thrives in an utopian style where everypony has their place, and if they aren't in it, they are either miserable, or a problem. So I can definitely see the grounds for a story like this. Please, do continue.
5525209
Because I believe in this. Well not totally, but somewhat.
[youtube=http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pPvUo0Qp4YA]
5525209
The url didn't work...
5525209
Just watch Canded Cream: Mind Control, Magic, and You
This story is pretty good a lot of potential in story development I'd like to see where this goes.
5522546
By the way... Can you send me a link when your done or have the first chapter!
Is it still being updated?
5540532
Yeah but I'm trying to make them longer and more detailed than before...
>>DiscordFan
Ok that makes sense, I can't wait for more!
This is one of the three stories I'm following, and one other is also from you.
5541115
5525209 I'm not a big fan of Celestia myself.
I highly suggest you get an editor.
*shatters*
Um... Can, can somepony help me?
5541151
Cool! Thanks
YAY! I HATE SHINY!
5548151
I know! He's a jerk!
5548151 Especially the shit he pulled during the wedding. Seriously, you send a letter to your sister at the last minute!? Then you had the balls to disown HER!? AND THEN YOU NEVER APOLOGIZED FOR IT!? SOME BROTHER YOU TURNED OUT TO BE!
5552744
If somebrony actually likes Shining...
WHAT THE BUCKING BUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5552772 You and me both sistah! (Are you a girl?
)
5554817
Haha!!
Yeah, don't worry about it!
Well didn't you just change your way into Taco Tuesday?
5555123
What?
5555123
And I hate tacos.
5555152
i'm sorry want something else its just a title i'm a master sort of chief so anything else i can give you
5555200
No, just,like... what!?! No, why? Why a Taco Tuesday video? Just curious!
...
This was... interesting.
You've got a really, really, really solid idea here. Twilight turning her friends and herself to changelings, because she's realized what a manipulative mare Celestia is? That's some really dark but interesting things to build a story on.
But... the execution feels really, really, really rushed as well. Looking 'up' I see that critizism has already been said, but right now that's this story's greatest failing.
The ending of this chapter, for example? It would have worked far better with a paragraph or so per mare.
Either that, or per individual change. Depends on your style and tone you happen to be going for.
I also think it's a bit... weird that none of them protested. And yes, even with the Pinkie Promise. Given that Queen Chrysalis have a history of using mind-control at least a token protest and attempt to find out if Twilight is actually herself seems like it should have been the logical reaction, even from Pinkie.
Still, you've made me curious. Things so far have been a bit average, but with enough potential I want to see where things are going.