After his parents are killed in a war, a young prince is torn away from his new home and newfound lover to be trained in the art of war. Now Twelve hundred years later the prince, now a dark warrior, emerges from the shadows and terrifies Equestria looking for answers. As he does he runs into Celestia once again. For Glaciem...could this be the road to redemption? or was this all planned? planned by an evil that nopony has heard from in four mellenia? The very reason for the three pony races splitting apart after the fall of the Alicorn race? could Glaciem be a sign that the four horses of despair are about to run free across the mortal world again?
For Celestia it will be a struggle to return her friend and lover back to the ways of justice and harmony, can she do it before he loses his soul to the darkness and pay the price at the power of the elements? and more importantly figure out who is behind Glaciem's corruption and kidnapping and stop them before it is to late?
To all who read, please leave a comment knowing how I can improve my stories...and to see how much you like it...
You're still cramming multiple character's dialogue into the same paragraphs.
Be sure to work on that.
673050 You can place dialogue anywhere in the paragraph as far as I'm concerned. Just be sure that 2 different characters don't speak in the same paragraph.
673061 ahhh okay thanky
Oh, by the way, I must admit, however, the timeline does not make much sense.
It's only 500 years before the start of series? Celestia should already be Princess, with Nightmare Moon trapped on the moon. I would suggest adding Alternate Universe tags.
673501 oh im sorry, I am abit confused as to pre-show times...okay 1,500 years it is then...im really sorry still kinda new to the universe of mlp fim XD
Soooo, I have one question, where the hell did Discord get Cyber-ponies? I don't get it at all...
673633 His apprentice Avarice is the leader of several corporations who have turned their manufactoring capabilities to making cyber-ponies...and Avarice has instructed the cyber ponies to listen to Discord as well as himself.
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Repairing confused brain... This might take a while.
I'll buy it for now, for now! Now if you excuse me, Imma try to reboot my brain...
673716 dont worry, everything will be explained soon enough!
Wait, what? A manticore managed to subdue two alicorns?
As interested as I am to see where this fic goes, I can't help but be disappointed with that. They're physical gods. A manticore should be an ant compared to them. In all likely hood, the Manticore should have been curbstomed.
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Sorry, but I wanted to make the alicorns a little more relatable, but sorry if I dissapointed you...I didnt think that far ahead...But maybe I can fix that mess up then...*Has new idea*
695286 Perhaps you could make it a different, far more dangerous creature.
Cause honestly, a damn goddess losing to some dumb animal?
695400 to quote see threepio "I see your point sir..." cause my idea was to have them either called back due to Discord's escape......or maybe have them fight Discord...
Weakest Alicorn's ever in history of Alicorns...
804402...give them time... besides im doing my best here...this is my first mlp fan-fic
Hmmm. Pretty good, but you still have some cleaning up to do!
There are a few spots in the formatting that are messed, a few typos here and there, and semicolons where there should be none.
992341 thanks for the compliment :D, and yus like I said before punctuation in not my specialty but I will try to improve on that XD.
Well, this was much better than I though it would be, either that or the truly dark parts are to come.
I didn't quite like the opening of the story. It felt rather messy with descriptions of colours and dialogue mixed into the paragraphs.
I could tell you poured quite a lot into it, but it wasn't showing quite well. The storyline also seemed rather rushed and lacking a tad more explanation/backstory as to why things WERE. (I could also blame myself a little I suppose. I didn't find out that War Flame was a dragonesque until past halfway through your work ). I also came across a lot of easy to fix grammacal errors such as capitalization. You need to capitalize the first and last names of the characters and nouns such as the Jewel that got referred to a little. That, and work on your structuring.
However, you really started to pick up your writing later on and I noticed that at part 2. It got quite enjoyable then and that's the writing that you should keep up
I'm going to follow this, I like where you're going.
1049174 Thank you :D, may I ask where you began liking it so I know exactly how to tell my story??? JW
1084315
I believe it was around Chapter three (Or part 1). It picked up from there.
1112445 okie then I shall write more like chapter three if you like :)
well everyone Light of Harmony will be undergoing some re-construction...hopefully it will be better...
Oh man, this looks good. I'm going to give this a chance so gonna read it straightaway!
One tip, don't use italics for everytime someone talks. Just quotes marks are fine.
It looks good so far!
Not bad at all, not bad for your first fanfic!
5381416 Really? I hope I don't dissapoint :)
5381521 Really? I'm glad you like it ^^
5381451 Thank you for the advice :) and I am so glad you like the story it :D I really appriciate it ^^
Uh what?
6076894 orry must have been mistaken Identity, I thought you followed me
6083597 (I did follow you) I mean the chapter
6084079 oh, well thank you :D I very much appriciate it ^^
6076894 Oh wait a second, sorry got confused...
What is happening here is Nemesis, being the spirit of war, is trying to get Celestia to show darker emotions (Fear, Sadness, Anger, etc) so he can feed off of it. ANything in particular wrong or is it a bad job at writing?
6535784 writing is fine just the way you discribe what happend
sorry for bugging you but it is almost a year since you posted your last chapter and I was wondering if you knew when the next one will be posted?
7282601 well I could start getting back to work on it if you like :D just got busy with other stuff
7288754 if you want to I don't want to sound bossy and make you its just I was just wounding since it is a good story and I just want to know what happens next.
7289318 Sure I don't mind starting back up at all...in fact I just pulled up chapter 10 and it seems about ready. I just didnt know if wanted to keep the fight going or stretch it into another chapter.
7290626 oh good to know thank you so muck for letting me know it means alot
7290680 No problem :) I am very glad you like it and if you have any suggestions on how to make the story better; don't hasitate to ask or tell ^_^. I look forward to hearing from you again ^^...you can bet I am working on chapter 10 as we speak :D
7291007
7291068 :D
It's alive
8697863
Yus! I have Returned!
8697932
Thank god I really was devastated this story stopped for so long
8697957
well as of now I am putting more and more time into it as we speak; New beginning and laying out the groundwork for the rest of the story!