Spike's Temptation

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Comments ( 12 )

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Darles Chickens

Darles Chickens #1 · Jan 5th, 2015 · 7 · ·

I like your idea, and you set the stage reasonably well. But then you rush through the whole thing in three paragraphs. Flesh out your ideas. I'd think that Spike has an opportunity (and an entire afternoon) to teach three, eager fillies a few things.

Also, SPELL CHECK! It's clear that you didn't take the time to do this critical step. (I caught 'Spikr' and 'eith' on just one pass.) Take pride in what you publish. You don't want your writing to appear amateurish.

Keep writing!

LovinglyBourbon

LovinglyBourbon #2 · Jan 5th, 2015 · 5 · ·

Good idea, bad length. You could have easily stretched this to 3k words. It makes me feel like the whole story was rushed. Try brain storming next time, think of ways to extend the scenes. Keep working at it, you can do it!

CaramelDrop

CaramelDrop #3 · Jan 5th, 2015 · · ·

As I read this I was disappointed by the short length. I could name at least 3 other events that could have happened.
1. Girls wake up to see that it is night. They decide to take spike by suprise. 2. Spike decides to have them come over when ever Twi is gone and continue their dirty fun. 3. The Girls get sexual feeling for him and decide to take it one step further.

Jordan179

Jordan179 #4 · Feb 11th, 2015 · 1 · ·

Only one problem. If Spike's older, they are as well. And no way, no how do they not know what a penis is. They may never have had close contact with an erect one, but they're innocent, not ignorant.

Antojo Pony

Antojo Pony #5 · Feb 21st, 2015 · 1 · ·

This is just bare bones, there so much than can be added. But yes i agree this has pontential but needs work.

rainbowdarth

rainbowdarth #6 · Feb 22nd, 2015 · · ·

Well it was good but there are a few issues that you could iron out or improve on.

For Example,
"Sweetie and Scootaloo checked themselves and found that they were also wet, and were eyeing Spike's dong eith a strange hunger."
Should be:
Sweetie and Scootaloo checked themselves and found that they were also wet, and were eyeing Spike's dong with a strange hunger.

Also, it feels very short lived. Writing more would cure that.

CAPITAL_UNDERSCORE

CAPITAL_UNDERSCORE #7 · Mar 18th, 2015 · · ·

this fic was awesome:)

CAPITAL_UNDERSCORE

CAPITAL_UNDERSCORE #8 · Mar 18th, 2015 · · ·

5465461 3

Super_Big_Mac

Super_Big_Mac #9 · Jul 8th, 2015 · · ·

5613726 Well, that's only if they were born at around the same time he hatched. This could literally be anywhere during season 2-4, just based on the average age of everypony. Spike hatched before Twilight started Magic Kindergarten, and Twilight's gone through around 10-13 years of school since then, before being sent off to Ponyville. There are numerous people who think the first 4 seasons take place over at least 3 years, if not as much as 5, so Spike could be nearly 15 in the show right now, with the CMC a good few years behind him. Seeing as how most boys don't usually get as hard of crushes as he does until they're at least 11 or 12, then it makes sense to me that the CMC might not've learned the Birds and the Bees yet.

Jordan179

Jordan179 #10 · Jul 9th, 2015 · · ·

6182137

Apple Bloom lives on a farm.

Super_Big_Mac

Super_Big_Mac #11 · Jul 9th, 2015 · · ·

6183919 Aye, but with most if not all animals being pretty damn intelligent, I could see them only gettin' freaky with it at night. Y'know, when they yungun' ain't watchin'.

Ryshinki