Tender Loving Care
I was sipping delicious soup whenever the time came for me to leave. I was feeling much better, at least. My ribs were poking through my skin still, and I was horribly skinny, but my eyes had gotten back a bit of that gleam they once had. The soup and the ponies caring for me certainly helped, of course. Their love felt so very good, and it tasted lovely. Almost with a hint of apples. How peculiar.
The stallion named Braeburn trotted into my room. I sat up, smiling kindly at him - that was what I was trained to do in this situation. Act friendly. Siphon off as much love as you can without everypony murdering everypony else. Survive. It was hard, but I knew I could do it. For my race. “Hello,” I said, my voice still a bit raw after sleeping so long.
“Glad t’see you up and happy,” he said, smiling back. “I thought for sure you’d be in more pain. Y’have loads of cuts on your chest… Mind tellin’ me how you got those? And why y’were in the Badlands?”
I gulped, looking away. How was I going to respond to that? If he didn’t trust me, there was no way he would let me go with his cousin. “I-I…”
Braeburn sighed. “I know it’s gonna hurt to remember. Y’seem like y’went through something mighty tragic out there.” I glanced at him and nodded hesitantly - that one wasn’t even a lie. He smiled softly. “Y’don’t have to tell me.”
What? “I-I don’t?” I asked, utterly confused.
“No, you don’t. You’ll say what happened t’you in good time. My cousin Applejack knows how to protect herself… I don’t think you’re gonna hurt us anytime soon, though. I think you jus’ need some love.”
I jumped at his words and looked down. “No need t’be surprised. Y’seem like the type who needs somepony to look after ‘em.” He gently put his hoof on my shoulder. I flinched away from the touch - nopony had touched me like that in a long time. Changelings avoided touching me in any way to avoid offense. I had managed to stay away from it as Cadance. It was a foreign feeling to me, just as foreign as my voice and this… niceness. He pulled his hoof back, his face full of sorrow. “Somethin’ or somepony hurt you real bad… I jus’ hope y’can get better with time.”
He stood, smiling. “Applejack’ll be here soon. You jus’ rest up now, y’hear?” Without another word, he walked out.
I glanced at the soup. For a full day, these ponies fed me. They kept me here, not knowing who I was, or what had happened to me. I can’t tell if they are foolish or just… better than I. I would never allow a pony in my hive… but they would let a stranger in theirs. Was this simply another thing I had to learn? Another aspect of my new plan, my new salvation?
My eyes began to droop. I found myself so tired as of late. I yawned as I settled myself back down into my pillows. I slept again, and dreamt again.
I never had many dreams as a queen. I dreamt of ruling. I dreamt of the crown, and of having a full race. My dreams now confused me.
I stood alone in a sea of blackness. There was an alabaster mare in the distance, with green hair and a rose in her slightly curled mane. She looked somewhat like I did in pony form, but… she looked so happy. So natural. I tried to reach out for her. She turned and smiled. She waved and called me over. I tried to get closer, but suddenly, something fell in front of my face. I caught it in my magic and looked close. Another blue feather.
I looked up again. The mare was gone. I was back in my hive. My people were not hungry. They smiled like the mare did. I smiled too.
*~*~*~
I started awake as the train hit another bump. How long had I been asleep? WasI still safe?
My heart was pounding a mile a minute as I looked around frantically, panicked. I tried to remember what happened, and as I thought, I slowly calmed down. That’s right. Braeburn had helped me to the train station after I woke up from another weird dream. I had met Applejack and hadn’t said much. She had brought me to a back cabin where there was a bed. That’s where I was now…
I sighed softly as I relaxed. Why were these ponies so nice to each other? I had done nothing for them. I simply didn’t understand it. It was hard to trust such unadulterated kindness. I wondered, why? Why was it so foreign? Are my people really so… so evil? So unkind and brash?
I shook my head. I shouldn’t think that about my own race. After all, I’d be a bit hypocritical to think I was any better. I’m a changeling; nothing will ever change that. And us changelings are not unkind. We simply follow different rules and structures. A certain kind of harshness comes from having your only food source be stolen love.
But, I must admit… It was a tad bit nice for this change of pace…
I jumped again as the cabin door slid aside. Did nopony give warning when they entered a room? Applejack trotted in hesitantly. “Oh, you’re awake! I jus’ wanted t’tell you, we’ll be in Ponyville soon. We got a nice bed up in the barn for you. I know, the barn, but it’s the best room we got. Braeburn was a might bit silly, thinkin’ we had more room…”
I nodded softly, shying away from her just as I had with Braeburn. Around the Element of Harmony, I felt… uneasy. What if she figured me out and used her powers? I had never truly seen them in action… but I had heard stories. Discord, Nightmare Moon… I really didn’t want to be next. A hit from them could easily be my last.
Applejack smiled a bit ruefully as she saw me edge away, sighing softly. “Sorry this is all happenin’ so fast. Braeburn just thought it’d be nice t’get you in a place where y’could have some ponies lookin’ after you. Appleloosa doesn’t have any hospitals or any of that sorta thing, so he called me up and asked me t’take you. I was happy to!”
“W-why,” I asked before I could stifle the question. Damn this accursed curiosity.
“Knew you’d say somethin’ eventually! An’ what d’you mean, ‘why’? Braeburn said y’were hurt. I wasn’t about t’let somepony go without proper medicine!” She chuckled. “Dunno how y’were raised, but my family ain’t gonna let somepony in your condition wander around willy nilly without the right kinda care.”
I smiled softly at her display of pride. Finally, something familiar. “T...Thank you…”
“Aw, no thanks needed, Sugar. I’m just glad t’help.” She gently smoothed the bedsheets where my hooves were before returning to the door. “Like ah said, we’ll be there soon. If y’want, y’can come up into the other cabin and chat with me. I’m always happy for the company!” She tipped her hat and trotted out.
I watched her go, sighing. Again, an example of their kindness. I didn’t think I’d ever understand how nice these ponies are…
But as I stood and straightened the bed, I realized I was taking her up on that offer of company into this new world… and I started to have a little hope.
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Seems to grab my attention quite well, can't wait to see where you take this. My only qualm at this point is how you handled the transition from the first chapter to the second.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
Seems like Luna is involved. However, I have a feeling that one of those two endings you mentioned will end up following the video's ending. And I will be sad. You wouldn't like me when I'm sad.
..
...
Iwouldcryandyouwouldfeelbad
5457396 Yeaaah, it is a bit abrupt. She's not supposed to stay in Appleloosa long; it's just an explaination of the setting before the main one (Ponyville). Glad I hooked you!
5457535
Mwahahaha your tears are what drive me to write!
Also, maybe your assumption is right. Maybe it's wrong. Whoooo knoooows.
Why picture is human?
5462034 I know the picture is human. Not TOTALLY accurate to PMV. I had to change the picture from the cover art because of someone else having the same idea, and it was confusing the heck out of me. As such, I spent literally two hours trying to find a better picture. I had an idea when I looked at this one, and idea for a dream for Chrys to have. The picture isn't true to the PMV, I know, but it will make sense in context of the story (in which she will have that same sort of picture happen, but in pony form).
5462858 At least. Find a cover picture that Chrysalis in picture isn't human. You will confuse some reader and some reader may not come to read your fiction because they thing your fiction is about ponies in human form. The cover of fiction is something that should invite people, not make them ignore it or look away from it.
5463395 I know, I considered looking on further. But after 2 hours of searching for something that spoke to not only the deeper meaning of the fan fiction, but what it says to readers, this was what I found.
'apt' portrayal?
You see, despite this being humanized, it is the one thing that speaks to the beauty of what's happening in this fiction. Do you see how the hair is tangled in the trees? Imagine those trees as Chrysalis' past mistakes. Things she needs to, so to say, 'untangle' herself from. The pale white skin matches the pure white fur she has as a pony, symbolizing what she wants to be as a pony - pure. Better than she was. And, around her, what looks like snow - but what is truly those blue feathers that are currently unexplained (having made the PMV, you of course know what those symbolize).
For you, however, I will... attempt to find something else, I suppose. Maybe I can use the picture again in a more...
Edit: Also, having it be a pony is just as deterring as having it be human. I know people that, as soon as they see a pony on the cover, toss the fic out as something they don't want to read. Any cover art can throw away any reader. As such, I usually try to focus more on that the art means, rather than what it is on the surface.
this could be really interesting to see how it all ends up :)
5467068 That's the plan!
i am really looking forwards to it :)
better than me.
take frantically out or take panicked out.
should be "I wonder:" due to it starting a list of questions.
Every case of
should have a space between the word and the ellipsis.
It should say have, not got, both times.
Should be "W-why?".
Why this isn't exactly wrong, it is longer and doesn't flow as smoothly. Editing this sentence is fully optional.
Good second chapter.
5470329 I have only one thing to say, to all of these 'fixes': How about no? ^^; I know you mean well by most of these, and a great deal of them I chose to follow. However, you are taking some of these sentences and just... utterly changing the way Chrysalis speaks. A great deal of the changes you suggest make the narrative clunky and awkward. As the entire narrative is written from the aspect of Chrys' mind, it is bound to be a little strange to read. As the story progresses, the narrative will change in some ways, because Chrys' is changing as well. So, while I thank you for your... extensive edits, I will only be following a few of your suggestions. Thank you, I suppose, for your time.
5472656 meh, one can try.
In this paragraph she is talking about what she has been trained to do. I feel that "I" would fit here better.
Again, an em dash would work here. They are kinda like a comma but a little more sudden and marking a larger break from the original sentence's path of narration.
These three sentences seem to contradict each other since the lines start out with her never having dreamt before. Adding some words to mark a different in time like, "But now", or something like that would help with clarity. Also, I feel this portion should be two sentences and not three. Changing one period to a comma will also have the effect of making the comma before "and" correct.
Word repetition. A slight rewording would help clear this up, for example "with a rose stuck through her green hair."
AJ isn't the Element of Harmony, just the Element of Honesty. A member of the Elements of Harmony.
Should have a question mark in there even though the supporting text states it is a question.
Stutters are usually marked with the full sound being stuttered, "Th... thank you..." That is, unless, Chrysalis was going to say something that started with a hard T.
Interesting take on the concept, I like that it is tragedy, haven't read one in some time. They can be particularly hard to pull off though.
Edit: Some of The1templar's advice is wrong, like the stuff about ellipses. It really depends on how they are treated. Like a period, there is no space before an ellipsis but there is one after.
5737023 I dare say, you do a much better job explaining than most critics.
For one thing, however, I... don't know of a em dash. You put a "--" on there, but that's not quite what you meant I think. That's just two dashes in a row. And I'm not positive why they're wrong, exactly. I also didn't know the thing about the question marks. I could've sworn I had the "Why," blah asked correct...
And as for the perspectives, you're totally right. I sort of changed my mind halfway through writing the first chapter and switched the point of view entirely. Not only that, but I completely messed up the editing. I've always been god awful at keeping my tenses and points of view in check, but this one just ended badly.
Thank you for the advice, and I'll try to do as many of these edits as I think I can pull off.
5738817
To start off, there are three types of dashes (and no, not Rainbow Dashes):
Hyphen: -
En dash: –
Em dash: —
A hyphen is used to join words together, you don't really need to worry about en dashes, and em dashes are a 'more sudden comma'. Here is something that might shed a little more light on an em dash.[/ur] In brief, it is a stronger comma, but not parentheses strong. Going back to the double hyphen, many word editors turn "--" into an em dash automatically. Though Google docs and FIMFic don't, they have to be put in using alt codes or key combos.
When I edit, I try to only get stuff that doesn't really affect the flow of sentences. I like being a little more flexible but I am harder on some rules than I have been in the past due to people taking something I said and running with it.
5739904 Huh... Never knew any of that. ^^;; I'm in AP Lang right now, and my teacher just tells us to use dashes as you use EM dashes. I'll have to ask her about that.
5740261
I don't think it is really that well known, but I have been editing off and on now on this site for about 3 years. I have consulted with other editors that I know are better thane me for advice and other material I can learn from. I just hope I am better than I was.
5740724 It's always great to learn more >w<
5741341
I don't know why I focused on English spelling and grammar when I am graduating as an engineer. Kinda seems like an odd path to take for me.
5742791 Hey, I absolutely love making things with my hands and building things absentmindedly, but I want to be an English Teacher. ;) Everyone's a little strange sometimes. That's what makes us so fun!
5458932 I was going to make a joke about someone else doing this.
Is this a version you are done with or what?
6573986 Hmm... I am continuing this, but it's taking me forever to get the next chapter out. This one is really hard to me to write because I never really had any interest in writing this fiction when I first started it. :P I'm hoping to get into the swing of things soon.
6574320 Try not to push yourself on doing something you don't have your heart on. Otherwise it might not turn out as expected.
Wished to see this completed
8839482
I'm still working on this one. It's the one that's gone through the most editing behind the scenes, story wise. It takes awhile but I still work on all my fics.
8841190
Yay, had me worried a good story had been forgotten.
8841190
Still working bud? Can you give us an update please?
9865677
Always working, don't worry. I don't allow any of my fanfictions to "die" but they do like to completely fade away until a random update comes years later. I work hard, but I work hard on a lot of different things. I'll be honest - I really hate this fanfiction. I loathe it. I had wanted to do a small cool fic, but I ran into a LOT of problems right at the start of posting this, and it spoiled my feelings for it. But I'm still trying. It's just going to take me even longer than some of my other fictions because I don't have any desire to write it.
9869902
Alright, if you hate this fanfiction, you don't like it then cancel it, I may dislike fanfictions being cancelled but if it's for good reason then go to hell with it, if this fanfiction makes you mad or you just not want to make it then don't, do something you like something that makes you happy, make an one-shot that can be turned into an full story or just an one shot do what makes YOU happy dude
9870492
You have a fair point, but at the same time, it would hurt me more to discontinue it, given that so many others seem to like this one. I'll still work on it, but only in the moments that I find myself able to.
9871143
Alrighty then, if you need an pro-reader then I be willing to help, but back to what you said, I understand what your getting at and your reason but I just find it hurting to see someone basically Force themselves to do something that they Really dislike/hate
And that's coming from me whom is (atleast) mildy depressed