One night starless night Twilight attempts to force the stars out using an ancient spell. Equestria now has to deal with another alicorn. Luna is furious, Cadence is estatic and Celestia is curious? Now Twilight finds herself having to leave to prove herself and settle 'the old lands' ponies lived in before equestria. Well she succeed? How much are her friends willing to give up to support her? Answers well be revealed inside.
Page generated in 0.18 seconds
Total duration
1,059 users online
20,152 hits today, 2,205,040 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Okay, you get a like just for making me laugh at the fact somehow Pinkie instantly knew Twilight was becoming an alicorn.
You have an interesting concept, the chapter is a little rushed but it's a good start. I'll be tracking.
I recomend checking out this group if you need any help with your story: Proofreaders and People willing to proof-read
Lulz, alright, you got yourself a reader. Really, though, the description has about five sentences and not a single capital letter between them. I almost passed this up, assuming the story would be the same.
That does it! Everybody always writes about Twilight becoming an Alicorn. Something must be done about this, and I'm just the pony to chuck a squeaky spanner in the works!
LOL, instead of taking a bath and falling asleep in it Twilight uses magic to bring out the stars. I am watching this story to see how it goes.
531217
Season 3 opener or finale Twilight becomes an Alicorn.
This story has already been done in "Sharing the Night." Almost point for point, no less.
531522 The odd are about 45/55 considering how many toys hasbro can sell that say "Princess Twilight Playhouse"
I saw the description and almost died seeing so many uncapitalised letters...
really breaks the flow of the story and serves nearly no purpose in terms of the rest of the story, as far as I can tell. Perhaps consider removing?
The story itself has good premise, but this chapter was very rushed for developing Twilight's 'condition'. Take a look at some other alicorn Twilight fics and do some research on how they've developed tension and built up the story to the moment when the 'ascension' occurs.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/16375/Sharing-the-Night
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/10196/On-Wings-of-Change
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5035/Not-My-Destiny
These are some of the better one I've read and hopefully might serve as a good reference point for ideas.
Notes on the actual story:
-Put the A/N at the end of the story, otherwise it can distract. People want to read the story first, not the A/N.
-"there was even a spell for a potion..." Not entirely sure this makes sense...
The sudden transition to
Jumping perspective to the other main cast could be better planned, because the half paragraphs don't give enough context about why, or how they noticed rather than just 'and they saw it happen and ran to the library...'
You've got a good concept, but you need someone to proofread it beforehand.
Frostwyrm
531522
You got to be kidding me...alicorn twilight in season 3?
interesting concept, way to rushed, especially since rainbow and pinkie pie had already made a bet about it that no noone knows about
Twilight actually becoming an alicorn on the show? Nah. Instead she'll have one episode where she accidentally turns into a draconequus (
) and now has to convince everypony that it really is her and not the Second Coming of Discord... 
new alicorn twi story that rocks! yay!
(hoping it's twiluna or twilestia!
)
and its one where the princesses know instantly! yay!
it has a romance tag! yay!
it has an adventure tag; so its bound to be at least somewhat long! yay!
pinkie being pinkie as usual! ya...okay, im overdoing it...but still: yay!
one of the perfect combinations!
brilliant can barely wait for more
You just wanted to say "Alicornification" three times in a story, didn't you?
But, hey, that's alright
A good update. I want the next chapter now... must see luna attempt to destroy twilight
good update can not wait to see wot happens next
pretty sure there was a bit there where twilight described them as big flat arms... last time I checked ponies don't have arms
I thought you did fairly well with Zecora, doing all those rhymes must be difficult, and i thought you did fairly well, though i'm really not much of a critic. This seems like a bit of a sillier version of the Sharing the Night story by Cast-Iron Caryatid, though this too has its own appeal, and I'm happy that the second chapter came out so quickly, and i am looking forwards to more.
however i did think Celestia fainting was a bit much, shes normally in such control. just saying.
Love it!
Zecora was done well enough, no complaints from me, a few of the rhymes were a little weak but It's pretty difficult to come up with her dialogue. Celestia fainting was pretty done well imo, yea it's a little out of character but she was perfectly calm and composed the entire time even right before she fainted, it was a good bit of comedy and as long as she's awake when Twilight comes back then it doesn't affect the story (shes gotta keep Luna from killing twi right?)
Pegasusususes
too many susususus
and there are 2 rhmes in Zecora which fail... but I can't exactly pinpoint them....
but this story is moustache-worthy
.5 right now, it can be increased if it gets better
I like this story. Let's see where you take it.
Also:
"The dragons have Nidhogg their king, who eternally guards his massive bling."
Seems like Nidhögg took up another profession after Ragnarök. It certainly must be better to be the king rather than gnawing at the roots of Yggdrasil.
i think your are jumping to much with your tags. i mostly reads like a comedy fic, but is tagged as adventure, romance and slice of life. also, most of the gags are out of context. they have nothing to do with the story and feel forced. as for the plot, i'm mostly statisfied at the moment.
your zecora could use someone who could write u the rhymes, as example: "scandal/handle or largesse/princess" they are not 100% correct. (but that's some minor complain)
over all the story feels a bit rushed. you are moving to fast, especially with twilights transformation. no mortal would would jump in joy, 5 seconds after they discovered that he is now a god. and also a town of country people wouldn't just party with a new god.
i would recommend you, to read "expectations", "on wings of change" and "sharing the night". they all describe what twilight could feel after transforming to an alicorn (even if expectations goes overboard a bit :D )
i will track your story for now and do a review again after the next three or so chapters
PS.: don't feel like i just shot your story down, that i comment it, is a sign that i liked it. i just would like it more with improvements :D
wait Princess Twilight, lesser entity of the night? So the strongest unicorn becomes a lower ranking god? Huh, i don't want to know how much power Luna and Celly have in comparison. I mean Twilight just disintergrated the entire Library.
EDIT: i also want to point out that Twilight is never the lesser of two beings
534466 i see that you are well versed in Norse mythology.
534483 Well, Luna is the greater entity of the night, b/c she controls the moon, while it seems that Twi will just control the stars
534886
Just one of many interests of mine.
534893
Moon's mass: 7.349*10^22 kg
Sun's mass: 1.989*10^30 kg
Mass of heaviest observed stars: approx 100 solar masses (100 times the sun's mass)
Mean distance moon to centre of earth: 384403 km
Mean distance sun-to-earth: 1.496*10^8 km
Distance to nearest known star: 4*10^13 km
Source: Physics Handbook for Science and Engineering 8th edition by Carl Nordling and Jonny Österman.
So in turn Twilight controls heavier and more numerous objects that also are further away.
This is of course if we're working under the assumption that the planet on which Equestria is situated and the surrounding cosmos are comparable to that of our own.
nice story
keep working on it.
534985 Yes Iknow that stars are way bigger than the moon, but they are not NEARLY as valuable to live on earth.
535010
Fair enough.
534985 yes but you see here celestia and luna represent the actual moon and sun. twilight represents what the stars are, a heavenly work of art! well she represents the stars as celestial bodies she is more akin too the myths we write in the stars it's why her wings trace constellations. just as celestia and luna represent physical aspects. twilight and cadence well represent the ethreal aspects.
535058
I gathered as much.
I just have a great fondness for physical data.
oh shit...i feel sorry for twilight (due to luna's fury), and i suspect; that i will also feel sorry for luna soon as everyone will probably not like her very much when all is said and done after she confronts twi
(although, if that happens, she will deserve it but as i am a huge luna fan; i will feel sorry for her anyways)
really interesting story, cant wait for the next one!
532358 This is actually the first Twilight alicorn story I've read. I'll have to check out your reccomendations.
534034 Only one comment: Yay!
As for the actual story, it does go a bit too fast, but I can easily understand how. I'm currently writing a story myself, and it ended up going so fast that I'm having to split the first chapter into three parts and stretch them out. Just a note for future reference, but still good. I'll have to keep an eye out for this one.
I'd be a fool not to keep an eye on this story.
Simply fabulous!
Also, it's pegasi, not pegasususes.
“Hooray!” Pinkie Pie cheered, throwing confetti into the air. “A new Princess has been born! Pay up Rainbow Dash, I told you it’d be Twilight.”
Leave it to Pinkie to break the fourth wall, and then BET on it.
534291 Well, according to Zecora, this must be a situation so rare it hasn't happened in centuries.
If that's the case, then this must be one hell of a twist. I don't blame her. :/
> “Beings of higher statures with greater power and playful natures,”
> The dragons have Nidhogg their king, who eternally guards his massive bling.
Thase rhymes. The first one is lyrically beautiful, in my opinion. That second one... Comedic genius. And lyrical. Just genius in general.
533000 He's joking.... maybe.
This is amazing!
This is amazing!:pinkiehappy
This is interesting. I must emphasize that it'll become a lot more readable if you work on the pacing.. it's just one thing after another happening. When you do that, the importance of each individual event is reduced, so the effect is to make the story seem more .. crazy, but not in an interesting way. You gotta take time for everything, if you want to have a lot of things happening, that needs to be across multiple chapters. The current content is enough (when expanded so as to slow down the pacing) for 5 or 6 chapters!
"The dragons have Nidhogg their king, who eternally guards his massive bling."
Hahahaha... I like your humor.
Psychic spies from Ponyville
Try to steal your mind's elation
Little fillies from Cloudsdale
Dream of silver screen quotations
And if you want these kind of dreams
It's Alicornification
It's the edge of the world
And all of western civilization
The sun may rise in the East
At least it settles in the final location
It's understood that Fillywood
sells Alicornification
Pay your surgeon very well
To break the spell of aging
Celebrity skin is this your chin
Or is that war you're waging
First born unicorn
Hard core soft form
Dream of Alicornification
Dream of Alicornification
update soon please
"Daring Do kicking the evildoer in the teeth, and oh yes, joy!"
I like the story so far.
Some quick notes of (hopefully) constructive criticism: The plural form of "Pegasus" is "Pegasi". I don't think that Fluttershy would faint that much. Hide and cower: yes. Faint: not so much or so often. I liked the fainting Princess Celestia though.
I think that you more-or-less got Zecora correctly.
I eagerly await the next chapter of this story.
Ah I like it. Someone writing a new kind of take on the alicornification story.
Can't wait to see what happens next :D
update please
Soooo... what's going on with this story...