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First person view fic written from the view of Twilight
Got the idea for the story after seeing the pic that is the cover image.
Twilight grew up with Celestia, for most of her foalhood and looked up to and trusted her as a second mother.
But what happens when that trust is shattered when a horrifying truth is revealed about the one she loved so much?
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What about Luna's involvement in all of this? What will Twilight turn out to be, a new ruler of Equestria along with Princess Luna or?
That intro....was fucking epic. Seriously dude, well done and keep it coming. I gotta know what happens.
This is not my thing. It's too angsty and emo. I can appreciate darkness, but not this much darkness, especially when it's slathered on as heavily as it is here.
It takes a special kind of fanfic to be great when the chapters are less than 1,000 words. This is not that kind of fanfic.
I won't downvote it because my preferences mean I'm not an objective judge of whether this is good or not. Plus, like I said, the shortness of these chapters doesn't give me much to go on.
Wasn't there a rule that said stories had to have chapters above 1000 words in order for them to be accepted?
1257540
No, they only need above 1000 words total.
great introduction and first chapter.
"not with the same brush of course" is hardly needed...
i was going to link specific sentences; but they turned up more than once or twice,
so im just gonna say it in general; you're lacking punctuations in places as well as misusing
them in others.
Very interesting premise. Chapters are really short, but if you can rapid fire them out then it'll be fine.
What did you see?!
WHAT DID YOU SEE???!!
That's how I would of responded to the cliffhanger if I wasn't a naturally patient guy.
>.>
<.<
WHAT DID YOU SEE????!!!!!!
...Why is this the only applebloom emote?
1266169 This is Pinkie we're talking about... It could be ANYTHING!
cliffhanger...you.are.evil...
Why do I have the feeling it is something bad? Why do I not want to know?
This is very good. Can't wait for more!
I HATE CLIFFHANGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Write longer chaps dude.
Oh shit. Something horrible happened to Pinkie.
By the way, longer chapters please.
Wow... Twilight seemed on the verge of just knocking him out.
Honestly, I don't mean to sound like a total asshole here, but 2 FUCKING WEEKS?!!??!!?!??!
1414437 well i had to edit the chapter a few times and in the unedited version she might have ended up burning down the bakery.
1414704 I dont blame you but you see the problem is I have to balance between this and my schoolwork and my English teacher wants us to practice writing in the 3rd person and this story is in the 1st person so sometimes its hard to change writing styles. Plus the fact that I lost my writing journal and had to rewrite the entire chapter from memory. So... yeah.
1414862
Memory problems?
1414914 No more like creativity problems. and the fact that i get sidetracked a lot when writing these stories. I mean right now I have 8 different story ideas going through my head and only 3 of them have more than 200 words. The rest havent even been touched. My mind is constantly all over the place.
1414950
I'm at idea number 64, only 9 of them with outlines, 1 completed, and one on hiatus.
Wow. I need to find some video games to play or something.
1414960 Hey we're in the same boat then. I rarely leave my computer nowadays. But at least i still have LoL
Why do I have the feeling Pinkie's ponynapper is Celestia?
Don't worry, I lost tract of all of my stories long ago. I had close to 50 ideas written down, 4 complete, and who knows how many more in cyberspace.
Well...damn....that happened....
write your chapters as long as you feel they should be
im the type of reviewer that reviews every chapter i read so if nothing else you can see if you are improving or getting worse (im not judging yet so dont think of that as a review up there)
to start off you had a great prologue not much wrong with it
but your next chapter was good plot but lacks detail like you could turn her morning into 300 words+ quite easily and the trip to sugar cube to make it more ominous or whichever feel you wish to be present
off the top of my head id say the level in this chapter would be a 4 for detail (1 being almost perfect 10 being Twilight got mad because her friends were hurt the end)
so at this stage you needed filler the most (some punctuation but nothing to noticeable)(well i dont notice that so rely on others for that judge) ill tell you approvments and vice versa on chapter 3 and every other chapter
detail is about a 4 now and before it was a 6 (typos ftw)
about a 4 still but much better length
1414950 Ditto.
Longest two weeks
evermaybe ever2821601 Well gotta say shit got real. I almost didnt graduate so I had to put everything else on hold and now I cant seem to get back into writing. Im gonna give it a try soon but for now who knows.
1414960 i have about 40 or so ideas..2 written out for the first chapter and 3 have outlines...bleargh and i keep getting more ideas :K
1414704 Just for the record I have a hard enough time getting one chapter per week, and all I do is sit on my skinny ass all day. Not to mention my proof-readers are kinda being procrastinating pricks at the moment. This guy has a lot of crap to do as is. I'd be happy with two weeks waiting if I was you.
1414950 Boy do I know that feeling. I've been having trouble with Chapter 5 of my own story. Since I've been trying to get a chapter out a week since submission, I've been having a bit of trouble with the past bits where I go over an semi-alternate version of Episode one. I work better when I'm in the ocean, not a river. Not to mention I've all but abandoned my other projects as a result. What's blocking you?
Huh. Always wondered when someone would write a piece based on that cover art.
The Cakes couldn't just go and check on Pinkie themselves?
3160572 At the time it was school and the fact that i almost didnt graduate. Now that its all out of the way i can have more time to focus on other things. Even though video games and the internet are much bigger distractions than school ever was.
3160674 When you own a bakery that has no food available to sell, and have twins crying for food and other reasons along with all of the village trying to break down the door to get in you dont have time to check on pinkie.
like and favourite, listen, author guy, thank you for making my day by making this story.
Well, interesting. The first couple of chapters revealed a story that built up with each chapter. Then suddenly Twilight loses it and 'transforms' in chapter 6. You lost my interest right there. The transformation was so random, so crazy and it was so out of place for Twilight Sparkle to explode at Cheerlie, and equally out of place for Cheerlie to explode at anypony. Even if it's AU (Alternative Universe), it still seems terribly out of place.
Also, I think back in chapter four or five, the detective said what happened to Pinkie Pie. She was foalnapped? To me, my eyes, ponynapped sounds better. Yes, kidnapped is the general term for any person who has been taken against their will. Still, personal gripe.
Good luck with your writings.
3162218 Don't think of it as a full transformation, more like what happened in the first episode of the show when she drank the hot sauce.
I made Cherilee out to be the over protective teacher who cares about her students. I have had teachers who have yelled at parents when students miss school because of something the parent had done. Thats what i was basing her off of.
Why didnt Twilight immediately call the police ?
Seeing as Pinkie was more than likely abducted and possibly injured ?
Also why didnt Twilight get immediately arrested, for threatening a member of the law enforcement ?
3262095
This is Equestria there are no phones and the only way she can contact the royal guards is by Spike and to pull him in front of a massive crowd like that would have caused a scene.
Many people have threatened officers during questioning because of the state that they are in. As long as the person being questioned isnt a criminal or makes a move to attack the officer there isnt a consequence.
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