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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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The Akira is the best starship ever.
5365082 Wow, I never thought anyone would know what that was. You surprise me friend. I guess you're a star trek fan to some degree? Or an Akira fan more likely.
5365089 I'm a Star Trek fan on the side, but only so that I get to see the Akira Class. I have it as my ship in Star Trek Online.
5365092 Nice! I want to play Star Trek Online but my EVE account takes priority for now along with minecraft. Anyway hope you like the story hope to hear from you again! Fans are temporary Friends are forever!
5365105 Would you want to do a story trade? I read one of yours and you read one of mine?
5365109 Sure what you got in mind? This is actually my fifth story but third I submitted. Which do you want me to read?
5365112 Well, you could read a finished Slice of Life, or any one of my plethora of unfinished action clopfics.
Incoming review!
Let me first say that, although the list of faults I found is quite extensive, I would not have gone through all the trouble of compiling it if I thought that the story was rubbish. I like the idea, and I think it can be executed better than it currently is. This humble little text is my attempt of helping with that.
Also, I will try to keep this short, but this hasn't ever worked before in my reviews, so it will probably be much-too-long, as always
Thus, let's start! Please refer to Ezn's writing guide here on the site for any unknown terms (or Wikipedia for the grammar terms).
Grammar and Spelling
- There are a few missing commas. Or a few dozen. Or, rather, 184 (as of the last count; I'm pretty sure I missed a few). In this chapter alone. Here's a example paragraph with all the comma errors corrected. Most stem from incorrect usage of dialogue punctuation, run-on/fused sentences and wrongly punctuated participle phrases (more on that later).
If you want the complete list, shoot me a PM or something. It's a bit long to put into a comment.
- "Mayor," used as a substitute for a name, as you do here, is never capitalized (except if other grammatical rules demand it, of course).
- You repeat words and phrases a lot, often in the same paragraph or even sentence. Look at the first two sentences, for example:
The word "desk" is repeated twice.
- There is a overabundance of participle phrases. That is, phrases starting with the -ing form of a verb. Example:
Problem is, aside from the danger of accidentially introducing dangling modifiers, participle phrases not only muddle the sequence of events when multiple are used in a single sentence, but they also weaken verbs, which makes the writing less crisp and interesting. An example of a muddled sequence of events due to participle phrases:
Aside from the order they appear in, these actions may as well all happen simultaneously, nothing is ordering them. Also, that sentence has a bit too much action crammed into it.
Furthermore, like in this example, participle phrases must be set off with commas (except for the case that they directly follow the modified noun and end the sentence). A lot of the missing commas come from this.
- Make sure to always capitalize the first word after a period. Especially after dialogue.
- You have some ambiguous references. Example:
The last "her" refers to the major, but the subject of the sentence is Trixie, which is confusing.
- Also, some miscellaneous mistakes:
Should be "four-sided."
Should be "inkwell."
Should be "here." Also, better end the sentence there and don't capitalize "domain."
Should be "nonetheless."
Add a "had" before "made."
Should be "who."
Add a "was" after "voice" (otherwise there is no predicate in the sentence).
Delete "awaiting."
Add "had" before "expression." Also, don't capitalize "mayor," as mentioned before.
Should be "when."
Should be "Gabby" (capitalized).
Should be "pen" (not capitalized).
Should (probably?) be "a nopony."
Should be "revealing" and "built-in."
Should be "family-oriented."
Should be "they."
Should be "to."
Should be "Unfortunately" (capitalized and added "ly." Also, add a comma after that).
Should be "aback."
Should be "week-long" or "weeklong."
Add a "that" after "them" and use "yourself."
Should be "into."
Delete (probably?)
Should be "The."
Style
- We have lavender unicorn syndrome in some places. It's not that bad, but it's there.
- There's a lot of telling where showing should be used instead. Also, pertaining to that point, there are quite a lot of needless adverbs.
- "Talking heads syndrome" is quite prominently featured. Meaning, most of the chapter consists of Trixie's and Mary's dialogue and their individual thoughts. Their surroundings are hardly ever described. Also, if we do get some descriptions, we only get visual ones (as opposed to using all five senses).
- We have at least one info dump. The part where Trixie reminices about the Pie family is actually just intended to feed the reader the (possibly necessary?) information they need to have about them. It's considered better form to only introduce such knowledge in tiny bits, only when needed, and inconspiciously. It's not that bad, but worth mentioning.
- The flow is okay. But it could be polished a little more. Also, some sentences could stand to be shortened a bit and some words could be deleted or replaced with more exact ones.
Characters
- Mary forgets the fact that Trixie essentially broke into her office a little too quickly for my tastes.
- She is also a little too lenient on Trixie for, basically, threatening to kill Gabby Gums (considering she's a government official, nevertheless)
- Trixie is a bit too enraged because of the article. I mean, it's slander, ok, but it was a short-lived school newspaper. As is, her motivation for getting "revenge" is shaky at best.
- Mary is a bit quick to forgive Trixie (and to help her, even).
- Mary speaks a bit casually for a politician. For example, the part
reminded me a bit of the way Applejack speaks.
Plot
Some plot holes:
- What was Trixie doing in the major's office, anyway?
- How did adding some articles to the newspaper cover the one about Trixie up? It's not like it disappeared.
- Come to think of it, if they could add articles to the paper, why didn't they just pull the one about Trixie?
Aside from those (and the shaky character motivation), it was not exactly a bad first chapter, plot-wise. We got to know the protagonists, established their current relationship and got some foreshadowing of future conflicts (I hope?). It would, of course, have been nice, if there was some foreshadowing of the protagonist's goals and of the antagonist (there is one, I hope?)
Well, it has the "Slice of life" tag, so I give it more leeway on the tension.
Whelp, that's all I have to say for now. I'm sure as soon as I read through all of that again, I will remember that one thing I forgot to include. Eh, whatever.
Good luck and keep writing,
VoidInfinity
5409299 I've taken what you said to heart in the first chapter and now that I have gotten to this point I'd like to take a moment to thank you for the review from so long ago. I'm not sure if I ever responded to it so here I am saying thank you and I tried to make my story better based off what you said.
I've tried taking the time to actually think the characters motivations better and I'd like to feel that I've come a long way since the beginning but I'd like you opinion on that, if that's alright with you.
I have this nagging feeling I responded to you before, but my memory is very faulty. So, if I ever did I most likely took the criticism harshly and responded accordingly, for that, if I did, I apologize. Otherwise, I'd greatly appreciate anymore feedback you could give me on my story thus far, seeing as you have it still in your reading library.
Look forward to hearing from you!
Z661
could it be the way, that only those chapters that have been changed, are different from those i read befor? I just asked to be sure i haven´t changed it myself, you know i mean the way you can see if you aready read a chapter or not.
Nice chapter, it was hard for me to not skip a part, just because i want to reach the newest chapter too, but i think i just start to read this story first, and after that i continue with my other storys.
I have to many storys right now, suddenly every story get´s an update. I actually want to read it mostly the moment it is still new, because there is always the chance, to make a good suggestion, and then maybe the author add something you like, but to be honest you do a great job without me asking you for any changes
Going over the chapter with corrections in mind, I can absolutely tell you've revised it. I'm assuming most of the remaining errors slipped by because (as the writer) you start anticipating the message you're trying to convey. What you see on the screen is competing with the version that exists in your head and that version seems to win out even if you're working hard to revise. (I know that's definitely the case when I work on my own projects!)
For each correction, I quoted the passage I was correcting, used plain text to show the revision, and put my notes in italics. (I think the only exception to this is one paragraph that starts with Trixie thinking to herself, so I hope that isn't annoying...)
I know this is a year old story, so you might not have the enthusiasm to deal with some stranger making a ton of corrections, so I hope this isn't too much.
nice, mahogany desk
She had held onto a spare key despite returning most of them to Twilight after being saved from the Alicorn Amulet.
simple, four-sided desk
Putting the origin of the key at the beginning makes it a little less confusing than having it in the middle of the sentence. Her using it to open the office is more implied than explicitly stated in this version though.
Here she had ruled Ponyville with an iron hoof. Everypony had respected her-- out of fear, yes, but it was respect nonetheless. She had loved it. Even though she had been under the influence of the Alicorn Amulet, she had still indulged herself.
Because the story itself is told in the past tense, when describing events set in its past, using the "past perfect" tense makes a little more sense. It allows you to differentiate what is currently happening in the story from what happened previously. Removing the redundant use of "under the/its influence" gives the sentence a smoother flow. You could also use a similar phrase if you want to emphasize that she was not in her right mind. Something like: Even though she had been under the influence of the Alicorn Amulet, she had still indulged herself while it was in control.
After Trixie had made her small addition to the show, she had made her way
I had it all and now, once again, Trixie has nothing, she thought to herself, spinning in the large seat. As she spun the world became a blur of colors around her, hues and shapes molded together like an abstract painting.
Changed the sentence so it was more like dialogue (since she's thinking to herself.) Added a couple of commas and replaced the second "colors" with a synonym.
Twilight hugged her mentor, Princess Celestia, and the two began to talk with the Arabian delegates.
her mentor, Princess Celestia, is another appositive.
"Mayor's mane not naturally grey," she read. "The Mayor of Ponyville's mane not actually grey! The mayor in a mane dyeing scandal! Huh, Trixie never would have guessed." She took the time to read the article before placing the paper back in the drawer.
's to indicate possession. Adding that Trixie is actually reading here makes it clear that she is doing it aloud, which seemed to be implied later in the original version. By putting the actions in order at the end of this paragraph it's easier to visualize her reading the article then putting the paper away.
"What are you doing here?" said a voice, startling her enough that she fell out of the chair.
Using two "-ing" verbs there is a little clunky and makes the sentence harder to interpret. Are the two things happening in order or simultaneously?
Recomposing herself, Trixie stood using the desk to heave herself up so she could see who was there. It was the Mayor of Ponyville. She scowled at Trixie, slowly working her way over to the side of the desk and slamming it shut.
"to" is used fairly recently in the same sentence. Having it twice so rapidly in the same sentence is distracting. Also, "why" replaced with "who". (I'm assuming you were partway through the sentence and changed your mind, but the "why" slipped through.) In this case, the two "-ing" verbs happen sequentially rather than simultaneously as they did in the previous example, so "and" makes the motions more clear.
She cried, shaking in the seat awaiting waiting for the Mayor to strike her, only to feel gentle touch on her shoulders. She flinched not expecting the subtle contact, opening her eyes to a scowling mare, rather than a furious one.
So many short sentences, all starting with "she" sound really clipped. By combining them into a couple of longer sentences, it's a little easier to read. Also, replaces "an" with "a"
"No need to worry," she said walking past the unicorn to her desk, "I won't hurt you." She left the office in order to retrieve a second chair, sitting next to Trixie. "Now tell me, what are you doing in my office?" Her voice was calmer as she placed her hooves together on the desk, giving her guest her undivided attention.
Using "walk" so rapidly back to back was clunky, so I cleaned it up a little, using the synonym to smooth out the action. Combining those paragraphs make it more obvious who is speaking (not that it was particularly difficult) and allows you to use the descriptive sentence more effectively. It may be more "tell" than "show" the way I revised it, so you could always make it more like Her voice was calmer as she placed her hooves together on the desk, blue eyes fixed on her guest. (or "Trixie", or "the unicorn" depending on how you like the sound of it.)
"Trixie was just considering her options now that she's once again homeless, with not a bit to her name. Her reputation is ruined, no home, no family-- Trixie has friends at a rock farm she can go back to, but..." She paused, thinking about the Pie family: Igneous, Cloudy Quartz, Marble, Limestone, and Maud Pie.
"homeless, with not a bit to her name" is an appositive.Trixie speaks in the third person through most of this, so "her" is more appropriate than "my" (unless this and her later transition to "I" is meant to show she's getting comfortable with Mary.) "no home, no family" is a clause, but Trixie seems to change her tone when she mentions her friends. "She paused" isn't describing the way she's actively speaking, so it's a new sentence and capitalized. When she thinks about the Pie Family, it's both an appositive and a list, so the colon differentiates the descriptor from what it is describing.
The Mayor sat, watching as the unicorn fidgeted in her seat, rubbing her hooves together.
This one is a little weird. I'm sure it's Trixie who is rubbing her hooves together, but the pronouns make it ambiguous. I think putting in the second comma shows that "the unicorn" is the one performing the action rather than Mary.
She
The Mayor winced at the mention of Gabby Gums, thinking back to the three fillies responsible for so much anguish and hardship when they took on the pen name.
Gabby Gums is a name and needs to be capitalized. Comma to separate clauses. The sentence sort of runs on, so removing "for the Foal Free Press" reduces some of that. If you think it's important enough to mention the name of the paper, you might be able to slip it in somewhere else, like when Trixie is reading the story about the Mayor's mane dyeing scandal.
"Trixie Lulamoon. You don't have to call Trixie "Miss" or anything like that. Just Trixie is fine." She looked out the window dejectedly.
Quotes around "Miss" make it obvious it is a separate concept from "Trixie" despite both words being capitalized. It also shows that she doesn't appreciate the title because the reader will use a slightly different voice for that word in their head. How she looks out the window is separate concept from what she's saying, so "She" is capitalized.
"Well, in that case I guess introductions are in order. I'm Mary Goldmane, Mayor of Ponyville. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance Miss Lulamoon." She smiled cheerfully, extending a hoof to Trixie.
The unicorn stared disbelievingly at the Mayor, cocking an eyebrow at her with a look that seemed to say "Are you serious?" Overcoming her shock at the mare's rather ironic name, she took the hoof with her own, shaking it.
Giving out an exasperated sigh, the Mayor took her hoof back rubbing the temples. "Yeah, I get that a lot now, especially since Gabby Gums made that article about me and my mane... And you are worth it. Nopony is beneath another pony; Not while I'm Mayor of this town." She then posed in her seat, placing a hoof across her chest and holding her nose high with pride. Trixie giggled at her causing a scarlet blush to spread along her cheeks as her pose deflated.
A lot happens from Trixie's perspective, so putting a paragraph break earlier makes it more obvious what is happening. I suspect it was my own lack of observation the first go around, but I didn't quite get the joke about the Mayor's name, even with her mentioning it in her reply.
Since Mary is the one sighing, I moved it with her dialogue and actions. I tried to make the reference to her discomfort about her mane more subtle. Since Trixie's worth is a very different topic, putting an ellipse to illustrate her train of thought slipping away before she brings it up seemed less jarring.
"Nopony is beneath another pony or none pony" is a weird turn of phrase. The "or" means that the second half of the sentence would read "Nopony is beneath none pony" which is definitely a double negative... I honestly wasn't sure what to take away from it, so I cut the "none pony" and used the semicolon because "Not while I'm Mayor of this town" is a clause that emphasizes her previous point but a comma isn't a solid enough indicator...
Comma because of an "-ing" verb. "and" because of the second "-ing" verb. "Trixie giggled at her, causing her to blush." is a pretty short sentence and going straight from the pose to her actions the next paragraph is pretty jarring. The transition and her embarrassment make it a little more apparent that she might go from the cider.
Mary reached under the desk to, opening a hidden compartment to reveal a built-in fridge. She opened it, pulling out a bottle of apple cider placing it on the desk along with two mugs, condensation developing immediately on the cool material. Opening the cider filled the air with a strong smell of apples and the underlying scent of alcohol. After it had a second to breath, she poured some of the rich, amber liquid into both before handing one to Trixie. "Thirsty?"
Since the last paragraph involved Trixie being mentioned by name, using the pronoun "She" makes it a little hard to determine who is reaching under the desk. Since she finds the mugs without getting up, I'm operating under the assumption they are chilled, so I added something to show that. If they aren't, describing where they were kept might be a good detail to add. The sentence runs on, including too many actions, so I divided it up to include some pacing.
Describing how opening the cider made the room smell after the mug is in Trixie's hooves is a little confusing, so I moved it back to break up the "She did this then this then this" aspects of the paragraph. Also, cider typically contains fermented apple juice rather than another alcohol, so I replaced vodka (Unless she prefers the Adams' Apple or Clay Pigeon [cocktails made by combining fresh apple juice and vodka] or it's just apple-flavored vodka, in which case the "cider" aspect could be removed.) I threw in some adjectives to bulk up the paragraph and make the beverage seem enticing.
"Please, call me Mary," she said, taking a sip of her cider. "If you must, you may call me Miss Goldmane." Once the words left her mouth, she took a huge gulp of the cider.
"Very well, Miss Goldmane," Trixie said, taking a few smaller sips from her mug. The strong taste of the apples delighted her while the alcohol seemed to burn her throat as it went down, leaving her feeling warm inside. She noted Mary was filling her mug a second time before she returned to the previous topic. "Anyway, what were you about to say to Trixie a moment ago?"
Since the Mayor is the one described as taking a sip in the first paragraph, Trixie immediately tasting the cider is a little weird. I moved it to the second paragraph and removed the vodka bit, streamlining the verbs. Her spontaneously changing subjects was a bit abrupt, so I hung a lampshade on it in the form of her consciously choosing to do it rather than having it just happen.
Placing the paper on the desk, she looked over to Trixie trying, gauging her reaction. Unsurprisingly, she was furious, breathing heavily, her face red as a tomato. What she said in response, however, was not what Mary had been expecting.
"Trixie will end Gabby Gums for her lies and slander to the Pie family!" she exclaimed, startling her companion. "It was all lies! GABBY GUMS LIES!" She emphasized her statement by slamming her hoof down on the desk. "Igneous saved Trixie from a rockslide! We did nothing inappropriate! He's the most family-oriented, honest, not to mention LOYAL pony Trixie has ever known! He would never be with any mare but his wife! Trixie swears if she ever catches this GABBY GUMS she will end her!"
She roared, using her hoof to smash the bottle of cider from the desk, nearly crushing it. Mary reared back, ears folding flat against her skull, surprised by the aggressive motions and the passion her guest was displaying. Trixie had never shown concern for any pony but herself during her previous visits to Ponyville, so the sudden change had caught her off guard.
I adjusted the order of Trixie's actions so the Mayor's thoughts could come together a little more fully with this paragraph and the next. I added some "flavor" to emphasize and foreshadow the Mayor's acceptance of Trixie, but that's purely optional.
Mary sat, unmoving as her visitor calmed herself down for the next couple two minutes, noting the way she had injured her hoof during her outburst. Once Trixie seemed to have her emotions under control, she nudged her chair over to sit in front of the azure unicorn, looking her in the eye. "Listen Miss Lulamoon, I know he wouldn't do that. Igneous and I go way back we do." She reached out, rubbing Trixie's swollen hoof. Turning in her chair, she reached for the fridge, getting a small lunch cooler and placing it on the hurt hoof.
Changed around some pronouns and proper nouns for readability. Moved the hoof injury to the top so it doesn't become a series of actions. Since the Mayor has moved her chair in front of Trixie, isn't her back/side toward the desk?
Pie Family's reputation
She
Mary blushed at the contact, taking her hoof back. "Think nothing of it Miss Lulamoon," she said taking few swigs from her cider.
as they fell asleep.
Please," she pleaded
"Thank you Trixie," she said softly. Trixie sat waiting for her. "So what are you going to do Miss Lulamoon?" When no response came, she took a step toward the window, placing an arm on Trixie's dim reflection. Through the glass she could see Twilight and her friends walking together, assumably to celebrating the successful show. Watching her reflection in the window, she spoke to Trixie, "While on the subject of Gabby Gums, I want you to know the children involved have been rightfully punished and the subject is closed. I want you to take no actions against them."
I smoothed out some of the motion, removed some unnecessary words and combined the two paragraphs into one since they're both from Mary's point of view.
Sighing in defeat, she wordlessly agreed to take no action against Gabby Gums, whoever she/they happened to be.
After the brief silence, Mary turned to face her, shifting to take her seat behind the desk. "Are you going back to the Pie Family farm?"
Changed the paragraph break so Mary's actions and Trixie's were separated. Added "wordlessly" because I'm not sure how Trixie communicated to Mary that she wouldn't hurt Gabby Gums. Capitalized Pie Family for consistency with their previous mentions.
the unicorn suddenly asked.
The doesn't need to be capitalized. Shifted the adverb "suddenly" for readability.
We went to school there until I moved to Canterlot to begin my studies in Political Science." Mary turned, sitting back in the chair while facing Trixie. She crossed her legs, leaning on her left arm and resting her cheek against her hoof. She licked her dry lips, the remnants of her cider lingered, giving her a relaxing taste of apples and hard liquor.
Fixed "o" with "to". Replaced one "she" with "Mary" so it isn't a series of really similar sentences. Smoothed out and polished that last sentence.
"I knew him very well. I almost married him." She laughed at the memory, but her expression soon shifted to melancholy. "But then he met Cloudy Quartz and, well, that was that."
Replaced "we" with "well". Capitalized "she" and combined two short sentences, adjusting a few words for clarity. Added a comma to offset the interjection of "well".
I know how a secret or a little lie can change the lives of ponies so easily, for better or worse." She ran her hoof across the frame placing it back on the desk.
Mary got a set of paperwork out, placing it on the desk next to them. It was a dusty job application for the office. Trixie looked it over, wiping it with her hoof to remove the layer of grime. "I'm glad to see you don't take this at face value Miss Lulamoon. I've been meaning to hire an assistant for sometime now. You can start over here, in Ponyville, and I'll help you. As punishment for your crimes, a week's community service and a formal apology to the citizens of Ponyville should suffice. You may decline the offer and return home, but I urge you not to run away again. Stay." She reached over placing both hooves on Trixie's, rubbing them tenderly.
Adjusted the placements of "dust" and replaced one instance with the synonym "grime". Removed some unnecessary words. Does the Mayor really that being her assistant is a punishment or is it just part of starting over? Added an apostrophe to "weeks" because it is technically possessive. Replaced "in time" with "should suffice" because that sentence actually doesn't appear to have a verb that isn't part of a clause. Added a comma.
Prove to them you can make something of yourself. It'll be hard but I feel you'll find Ponyville to be quite the forgiving community," she said, releasing Trixie's hooves and grabbing a quill with her hoof, holding out for Trixie.
Turned your self into yourself. Replaced a period with a comma. Added some commas and made Mary's actions a little more clear.
She didn't want to remain there forever though. She wanted to travel and perform again, but she couldn't do that with her reputation the way it was now.
Neither "She didn't want to remain there forever" nor "She wanted to travel and perform again" are clauses. They're complete ideas, so connecting them with a conjunction doesn't really work. Added a comma.
Deciding that it was better to take the Mayor up on her offer, Trixie took the quill and filled out the application. Once finished she gave the papers to Mary who looked over them carefully, smiling in satisfaction before she filed them away.
Starting multiple sentences with an "-ing" verb sounds weird, so I combined a few smaller sentences to smooth it out. The second sentence is still a little clunky, but I'm not sure if there's a better way to do it without adding some filler words.
The mayor stood, reaching under her collar to reveal a chain set of keys. She began the process of locking up, starting with her fridge before moving on to her drawers and file cabinets.
Added a comma. Changed the second sentence so it reflects the actions being performs in order.
Trixie got up to help but Mary pushed her gently back into the seat. "It's OK, I've got this. I may be an old horse but I've still got years left in me yet!" she said with much vigor, swaying her hips as she went about her office.
Changed "in to" to "into". Changed "I" to "I've" unless the Mayor is revealing her very rural roots under the influence of the cider. Added a comma.
Even with her glasses she had a hard time.
"seeing" is a little redundant here, since we get that from context.
"Har har, laugh it up while you can young lady," she said in a serious tone. "You start work tomorrow."
Broke up those sentences.
Mary pulled out a set of keys and a dusty notebook, handing them over to Trixie. The azure unicorn inspected the book, wiping the dust off it before began to read it.
Combined "note book" into one word. I'm assuming she handed a set of office keys to Trixie. Otherwise, I'm not sure of their significance here. Added a comma. Changed some wording to create a chain of events.
"That is policy and procedure for you, Miss Lulamoon. I expect you to know and follow it by the end of the week, got that?" Mary asked her. Trixie simply nodded, confirming she had heard and understood. "Good, now we best be off! We have a long day tomorrow."
Added a comma for an appositive. Removed redundant "it". Added a comma. Split two sentences with an exclamation point because Mary seems excited. if she's meant to be more sedate, a period should be fine.
The two ponies walked to Mary's home and, after getting Trixie settled in, they promptly went to sleep, ready to take on the challenges of tomorrow.
Commas around the clause. Moved the adverb "promptly" so it seems to more actively describe "went to sleep".
----
I'm glad I could look over this and I hope it helped. I've never done anything like this for someone who isn't a close friend/family member, so definitely let me know if I did anything strange or overstepped what I should have done while editing. I am from the Midwestern United States, so there may be some "twang" to my word choices that people who also live here wouldn't notice.
Let me know if you'd like me to keep looking through the remaining chapters. I saw your concept and adored it, but I don't want to come across as overzealous or annoying. Thanks for your time!
6583421 Im' glad someone was able to find lots of these. I missed them and most of them I just never caught. Like capitalizing Gabby Gums. Completely missed that.
Now about the a-whachawhoeie. I learned how to grammar back in high school then completely forgot all of it. I know enough to talk but writing was never a strong suit of mine. In fact second to math grammar is my second worst subject I never mastered. So as far as punctuation, I think I'm getting better, but when you start talking about appositives and stuff it means nothing to me i'm afraid. Twilight would be displeased.
Cause to be blunt. I have no idea what they are.
I take that back Appositives are easy to remember. Thank you google! See! You helped me learn something new that will help me later.
I like these revisions. I might have to edit them again cause they sound weird but maybe it's just me. I'm looking forward to your next post. Enjoy the story and don't feel you need to make changes if you don't want too.
You appear to have partially duplicated a couple paragraphs in the midst of your revisions.
6954180 I did?
....
Sorry I don't see it. Could you point it out?