I Done Goofed
What did I do to deserve this?
Okay, so I may have pissed off the wrong guy, but come on, he was a teenage male who liked talking cartoon ponies and wrote weird fanfiction. That kind of stuff gets you beat up. When I get my hands or, well, hooves on him, he’s dead. Sorry. I tend to ramble when I’m angry. I guess I should start at the beginning.
It started off just like any other day, with my loving parents gently waking me up, "JAMES, GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT OF BED, YOU FUCKING EMBARRASSMENT OF A SON!!" And me happily responding with, "I’M COMING, YOU PATHETIC FAT BITCH!!" Just another morning in my happy household.
Then I would begin the long trek to school or, as I like to call it, Hell, and arrive 1 hour late, like a badass. The teacher would yell at me for a bit, not that I really gave a shit after about 200 or so times. It all sounds the same just going on about how education is important and all the same teacher bullcrap. Then I would go to my daily government brainwashing sessions, or “classes” as the so-called normal people called it. But like every shit movie, there was one good thing about it: I wasn’t alone. I had my best mate Hayden, the one person in this dying world who understood my so-called fucked up mess of a mind and always had my back, no matter what. Then there was Alexa, the most beautiful, kind, sexy, piece of ass I know. If you haven’t guessed it yet, I had a massive crush on her which manifested itself through excessive Facebook stalking and getting as nervous as a midget in a prison shower whenever I heard her voice, basically what every guy with a crush does.
Then there were them, the “bronies”, as they called themselves. Basically, they were like a weird cult of sad, pathetic men who had a weird pony fetish and were brainwashing more and more people to join them through TV and the Internet, basically like the illuminati, except way more pathetic, super-duper weird, and instead of a triangle fetish, they wanted to fuck ponies. Now, to most people, they may seem harmless, but I knew the truth, which was that they were plotting to take over the world through mind control which is, of course, the only rational explanation for all these people who are supposed to be men, liking a show made for 3-year-old retarded girls that are going to grow up to be hookers. It's not like the show is good or funny. That's just insane.
Well, there was one good thing about bronies, and it was that they believed friendship solved all their problems which made them easy to beat up and rob, and the more I beat them up, the less people would want to become pony fuckers, so in a way I was saving the world.
The head brony was this kid named Dillion, who, despite being older than me, could hit puberty just as well as Justin Bieber, always got perfect grades, and was nice to everyone, no matter how much they bullied him, because according to him, love and tolerance solved all his problems. What a lunatic.
So I was beating the crap out of all the bronies again, and despite it being a seven on one fight, it was way too easy, considering I'm basically a giant for my age ‘cause I hit puberty when I was like eight or something, and they did not want to fight back because they thought they could solve their problems with friendship, and people say I’m crazy. When I was done mugging them on school grounds, (seriously, you’d think one teacher would care) the head brony, Dillion, said something, "You need to learn friendship, James, so Princess Celestia is gonna come and love and tolerate the crap out of you." Laughing like a lunatic, I punted him in the face. "I am not afraid of your pony goddess." If I could go back to that moment I would punch myself in the face with brass knuckles.
Later that night:
I was lying in my room listening to Hero by Skillet (best song ever, by the way), when, suddenly, a bright light appeared in front of me and some white winged unicorn with a multi-coloured mane that could give someone a seizure was standing right in front of me.
"James John Rooney, I have been watching you as you attacked my beloved bronies, and I have seen the many sins you have committed, so I have decided to come and teach you the magic of friendship."
Now, if you were being threatened by a talking horse, you would laugh like a lunatic as well, which is exactly what I did; however, pony goddess did not take too kindly to that.
"Your arrogance knows no limits, human, but it is not your fault. After all, you’re just some random lunatic."
How dare the pony goddess insult me! "You want to call me a lunatic? At least I don’t break into a kids’ room in the middle of the night. You’re not raping me without a fight." I screamed as I grabbed my emergency crowbar, which only caused her to giggle.
"You’re so silly, but anyway, down to business. I have come to pass judgement on you for your crimes against bronykind, but, as you are young, I have decided to give you a fresh start." She then proceeded to hit me with a beam of magic. "Do not worry, you will be taken care of." That last sentence worried me before I blacked out.
I woke up outside of a grand castle that looked like something from a fairy tale, but I had little time to wonder where I was, because I saw another winged unicorn flying towards me, but this one had much darker colours and was a little smaller than the other one.
"What an adorable little foal! How could somepony abandon this little cutie?"
Was she talking about me? But I was a teenage human! Well, I thought I was, until I looked in the pond and saw a black pegasus foal with an even blacker shaggy mane and dark blue eyes staring back at me. I had no time to react, however, because the unicorn picked me up with some weird magic and looked at me with a face that reminded me of Yuno Gassai.
"Do not worry, cutie-pie. I shall become your mother and love you forever and ever."
Well, like a kid who goes into a strangers van looking for candy, I’m fucked.
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MOAR!!!!!!!!
Please!
5334778 if only I could get it published
5335329 What do you mean?
Why isn't this published?
5335341 bad grammar
Overall I like the first chapter.
I just have some things to point out. 
There has to be more comma's in your story to make sense out of it. I have an example from your piece that you should fix.
............
That was a huge run-on sentence.
Here's what you should do and remember this is what I would do:
...........
In my case this would be what I saw in that story.
So here you go.
Take this piece of advise and maybe try to retype your chapters. 
I am not saying it is bad, but it needs a few more tweaks. 
5335620 thanks
The idea in general is good. But it saddens me to say, I'm not really happy with your writing style. I will give a thumb up, but I can't give it a fav.
this sounds like a rather interesting take on the HiE idea. definitely will read.
Nice story so far,
have a like
Cut down on the swearing, will ya? (time and place, people!
)
Oh yeah and the OC's name could be filthy heart
The story concept is classic in this fandom, and has never to my knowledge been done well. I like that you tried to give the OC guy a non-generic voice at least. I don't know why you would want to give him a different name for his pony self than his human self, but if you do, at least make it related to his human name.
Too much exposition on things that readers would already know (i.e. what bronies are, etc). Too much dwelling on the character's thoughts as opposed to the actual action of the story. Some of the details (like "Facebook stalking," "Hero by Skillet") are intrusive and distracting. Overall the characters are flat and cliched.
this...is offensive to me. i'm stopping it here
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/841/863/4d6.png
This is you.
5339639 Bloody Ultra Smurfs.
5339653 Glory-hogging bastards, the lot of 'em.
5339754 And now that they went to the eye of terror without gellar fields and managed to stuff magnus the red inside a METAL BAWKES and some how ship him all the way back to terra. Fucking ultra smurfs.
5339906 deer god
rs1ci.memecdn.com/256/5769256.jpg
5339965 Double Hersey!!!
5339592 I'm sorry
good story, I liked. the OC's name could be Shadow hope
5339592 Yeah, the swearing is pretty offensive. Either the writer cleans up his act and his story, or else I'm gonna report this.
5342056 don't like don't read
not fond of the chapter. its rather anoying to read about a school bully who is... this stupid. but i if i ignore the first chapter i think his future will be very entertaining.
but as the for the person being offended by the swearing? i think what they are getting at is that your swearing is to high for a teen rating. it's your choice in the long run, but if they report you an admin/mod may "request" you to change the rating.
5343909 the main character is supposed to be a dick so you can enjoy watching him suffer
Hey!!!! don't make the those people that say it bad bring you down I say it's a great story so far I hope you continue one the great story
I really don't see how there's too much "swearing" as a lot of people say. It's pretty tame compared to certain fics I've read. (Just look up "No remorse holds no recourse" on fanfiction, if you dare). Really looking forward to where you bring this story
UPDATE PLZ
I LOVE THESE'S KIND OF STORIES
Interesting take on the whole HiE theme, hope you don't disappoint. Your grammar, and spelling, could use work; however, I've seen much worse. Here's hoping you learn with time.
Your bully is, in my opinion, a believable level of jerk; with a vague, but understandable, background. I'll be watching this one.
You know, in demonstrating incomprehensible power to teleport into his room undetected and not only kidnap him but turn him into a newborn foal, Celestia sort of just validated all his completely insane allegations of bronies plotting to take over the world. Or at least, ponies doing so using brainwashed bronies as their unwitting pawns.
5339592 I agree.
This is me right now.
i.imgur.com/TWkxLYZ.jpg
I'm not sure if I should like this. While the swearing is a bit distracting at times, it is by no means a major hinderance. My main problem is the main character when he's bullying the other bronies.
You stated below that the character is a dick so you can enjoy his torment, but while that works fine on paper, it doesn't in the actual production because the reader is always going to be comparing the events of the story to their own life and experiences.
As someone who is constantly bullied every day by assholes and those in denial that they once saw me as a friend before I revealed my position in the brony fandom, this is a bit… insulting. Perhaps not insulting, but something else synonymous with "wrong".
See, your antagonist is, in the grand scheme of things, unbelievable. You've nailed down the "he's a dick" part, but not the "he's also a rational human being" part. I think James actually has a mental handicap, because at least that would explain why he beats up kids in the hallway. Most of my bullying experience has happened online or on some form of social media, because my school has a 0% tolerance policy of bullying. Unfortunately, the faculty is always looking the other way during the verbal assault. But there is always the certainty that if the faculty were to be supplied with something they couldn't ignore (like 7 kids who were all bronies at the school nurse with several minor injuries sustained in a hallway fight with a kid who was "a gorilla"), then they would have to look into it, not because they cared, but because it wouldn't look good on their resumes.
So my point is that the environment you've created is highly illogical and unrealistic. School bullies don't bully by actively punching the other guy in the face, they bully by isolating the guy and getting rid of all his friends. This is optimal in the eyes of the bully because if you punch someone repeatedly, someone's eventually going to say, "Hey, you're an asshole, stop." and help the guy up. However, if you remove the guys friends, you do more damage to the guy because there's no one there for him. Hell, the only reason I get through the day without sinking into suicidal depression is because I look across the street and see some guy proposing to his girlfriend, and I say "Though the world hates me, at least it doesn't hate itself." (Someone should write that down.)
But something I've been doing a lot of recently is suspending my disbelief, and I'll give the luxury as well.
There are things that you've done right, however. Mostly the plot. I've never seen it been done successfully, but I can only hope you will because you've drawn me in expertly.
I'm still indecisive, however, so I'll track it and see if the next chapter's better.
Happy Derping,
DerpyMuffin7
Nice story bro keep at it and you'll make the best author here but don't work your self to hard to get comments because when you through out a chapter every minute it gets over with soon and there is no fun in it. Good day or night
5386500 Really your bullies don't attack you mate you should go to my school that's where bullying is rough and the teachers don't care and also I'm sorry if I insulted you as I know life can get pretty rough but trust me it gets better.
5386798 The fact that I have the resources to type this is proof enough that it's not the worst. As I stated below, these are my experiences, so my reaction will differ from everyone else's.
Also, taking into consideration that you are a victim of bullying, I can deduce
cdn.mhpbooks.com/uploads/2013/03/sherlock-holmes.jpg
that you have some "interesting" things planned for James.
By the way, I forgot to mention that this is rather impressive for your first fic. I'd like to see how you progress as a writer, so I'll give you a watch.
Best wishes,
DerpyMuffin7
I'm interested. Carry on.
Okay, I went in expecting a warped revenge fantasy, and that's exactly I got.
...This is what passes for villainous, nowadays? Blech.
5342200 I hate that argument. You posted it on a public forum, people can exercise their right if they don't like it or not. You should know this.
5393557
Ubie! Long time no see!
You also scanning through the weak fimfic crap?
5469551
Yep, as usual. Carry on.
So, when's the next chapter? I want to see what becomes of this bully turned pony.
5822032 next chapter is in the works just been busy with exams
got to admit, the kid's a sociopath, but has good taste in music
Hey motherfucker when is the next chapter