I Done Goofed
What did I do to deserve this?
Okay, so I may have pissed off the wrong guy, but come on, he was a teenage male who liked talking cartoon ponies and wrote weird fanfiction. That kind of stuff gets you beat up. When I get my hands or, well, hooves on him, he’s dead. Sorry. I tend to ramble when I’m angry. I guess I should start at the beginning.
It started off just like any other day, with my loving parents gently waking me up, "JAMES, GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT OF BED, YOU FUCKING EMBARRASSMENT OF A SON!!" And me happily responding with, "I’M COMING, YOU PATHETIC FAT BITCH!!" Just another morning in my happy household.
Then I would begin the long trek to school or, as I like to call it, Hell, and arrive 1 hour late, like a badass. The teacher would yell at me for a bit, not that I really gave a shit after about 200 or so times. It all sounds the same just going on about how education is important and all the same teacher bullcrap. Then I would go to my daily government brainwashing sessions, or “classes” as the so-called normal people called it. But like every shit movie, there was one good thing about it: I wasn’t alone. I had my best mate Hayden, the one person in this dying world who understood my so-called fucked up mess of a mind and always had my back, no matter what. Then there was Alexa, the most beautiful, kind, sexy, piece of ass I know. If you haven’t guessed it yet, I had a massive crush on her which manifested itself through excessive Facebook stalking and getting as nervous as a midget in a prison shower whenever I heard her voice, basically what every guy with a crush does.
Then there were them, the “bronies”, as they called themselves. Basically, they were like a weird cult of sad, pathetic men who had a weird pony fetish and were brainwashing more and more people to join them through TV and the Internet, basically like the illuminati, except way more pathetic, super-duper weird, and instead of a triangle fetish, they wanted to fuck ponies. Now, to most people, they may seem harmless, but I knew the truth, which was that they were plotting to take over the world through mind control which is, of course, the only rational explanation for all these people who are supposed to be men, liking a show made for 3-year-old retarded girls that are going to grow up to be hookers. It's not like the show is good or funny. That's just insane.
Well, there was one good thing about bronies, and it was that they believed friendship solved all their problems which made them easy to beat up and rob, and the more I beat them up, the less people would want to become pony fuckers, so in a way I was saving the world.
The head brony was this kid named Dillion, who, despite being older than me, could hit puberty just as well as Justin Bieber, always got perfect grades, and was nice to everyone, no matter how much they bullied him, because according to him, love and tolerance solved all his problems. What a lunatic.
So I was beating the crap out of all the bronies again, and despite it being a seven on one fight, it was way too easy, considering I'm basically a giant for my age ‘cause I hit puberty when I was like eight or something, and they did not want to fight back because they thought they could solve their problems with friendship, and people say I’m crazy. When I was done mugging them on school grounds, (seriously, you’d think one teacher would care) the head brony, Dillion, said something, "You need to learn friendship, James, so Princess Celestia is gonna come and love and tolerate the crap out of you." Laughing like a lunatic, I punted him in the face. "I am not afraid of your pony goddess." If I could go back to that moment I would punch myself in the face with brass knuckles.
Later that night:
I was lying in my room listening to Hero by Skillet (best song ever, by the way), when, suddenly, a bright light appeared in front of me and some white winged unicorn with a multi-coloured mane that could give someone a seizure was standing right in front of me.
"James John Rooney, I have been watching you as you attacked my beloved bronies, and I have seen the many sins you have committed, so I have decided to come and teach you the magic of friendship."
Now, if you were being threatened by a talking horse, you would laugh like a lunatic as well, which is exactly what I did; however, pony goddess did not take too kindly to that.
"Your arrogance knows no limits, human, but it is not your fault. After all, you’re just some random lunatic."
How dare the pony goddess insult me! "You want to call me a lunatic? At least I don’t break into a kids’ room in the middle of the night. You’re not raping me without a fight." I screamed as I grabbed my emergency crowbar, which only caused her to giggle.
"You’re so silly, but anyway, down to business. I have come to pass judgement on you for your crimes against bronykind, but, as you are young, I have decided to give you a fresh start." She then proceeded to hit me with a beam of magic. "Do not worry, you will be taken care of." That last sentence worried me before I blacked out.
I woke up outside of a grand castle that looked like something from a fairy tale, but I had little time to wonder where I was, because I saw another winged unicorn flying towards me, but this one had much darker colours and was a little smaller than the other one.
"What an adorable little foal! How could somepony abandon this little cutie?"
Was she talking about me? But I was a teenage human! Well, I thought I was, until I looked in the pond and saw a black pegasus foal with an even blacker shaggy mane and dark blue eyes staring back at me. I had no time to react, however, because the unicorn picked me up with some weird magic and looked at me with a face that reminded me of Yuno Gassai.
"Do not worry, cutie-pie. I shall become your mother and love you forever and ever."
Well, like a kid who goes into a strangers van looking for candy, I’m fucked.