• Member Since 12th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen December 3rd

The Survivalist


The words of one will tell a story, the tears tell the battles, the scars tell the experience, the loneliness tells the loss.


Comments ( 16 )

Hell yeah Jack I'm so ready for this!

Comment posted by Tetragrammaton deleted Jan 21st, 2015
Comment posted by The Survivalist deleted Jan 21st, 2015
Comment posted by Amethyst Wind deleted Jan 25th, 2015
Comment posted by The Survivalist deleted Jan 25th, 2015

Why are there so many deleted comments?

~Twi

5916619 yeah there was a hateful comment that had spoilers in the comment posted by other user and i didn't want them to ruin the story. Mainly the one below yours. The one above regular didn't do anything and just got caught up in the frenzy.

Well rock me, Amadues, Here I am again.

Standard points:
- divide your paragraphs a bit more. 10 lines is too much, 6-8 look optimal.
- delete one of your author's notes, they both say the exact same thing. I would recommend deleting the one in your text while keeping the one in the AN-box.
- you don't need to tell us all those things

FoE: Regrets
Prologue
By: The Survivalist
Chapter 1: Some Days Just Fuck Ya Over

in the beginning of the chapter. The site provides us with all this information. Also you might consider removing the "Prologue" from the heading of your first chapter "Some days just fuck ya over". Having it there looks like a mistake and mistakes in your title/heading look unprofessional.
- Also: your prologue's title says "Prolouge". That's wrong, it's "Prologue"
- bring some emphasis into your RPG part. Make perk's names bold so that they are more appealing. What's always good is having a little funny description of your perk, you know, because it's Fallout. A perk as I would imagine it to be perfect would look like this:

Kick Start - The early bird gets the worm. Or so they say. Apparently it applies to ponies too, because if combat occurs within an hour of Tracer waking up, he gains a temporary +10% attack speed boost.

- You use the semi-colon quite excessively. Don't do that, it looks weird. Oftentimes a full stop works better. Semi-colons are for weird instances only and this chapter doesn't have 134 weird sentences that justify the 134 semi-colons.
- It'd also look nice if you would start a new paragraph whenever one of your characters starts speaking. It looks better.
- don't write numbers as ciphers. It'S not 300 caps, it's "three hundred caps". Only write ciphers when they're in names, such as .357, Terminator model 101.
- have consistent indentations. Don't do one TAB press one time and two TAB presses other times. It looks weird. Either indent or don't.






And now for the actual story:
- The way Jack Rabbit gets a Pip-Buck seems a bit too easy. He says it himself, they're super rare. So why would you give one to a stranger you know for about a minute? I know I'm one to talk with the way I got my character her Pip-Buck, but still...
Same applies for the "shoot the bottles and this stuff is yours" scene. I know it was in NV, but that's a game. In a story, this is weird.
Although despite those flaws in logic, those scenes were still nice and pleasant to read, so I guess that balances it out again.

I guess that last sentences sums up the first chapter pretty good. Sometimes the wording is a bit weird, but overall it's still good and easy to read.

Apply the changes in formatting I suggested at the top of the comment and it'll be even easier and more pleasant to read.

That's it for chapter 1.

5921415 Alrighty, thank you for the advice and i shall apply it as soon as i can.:twilightsmile:

Great story. Really gives off the truth of how the wasteland is like keep it up.

Good story so far! :pinkiehappy:
Keep writing it.:twilightsmile:

Hah! What a day! :pinkiecrazy:
Horde of rats is somehow rare sight in foe. :ajsmug:
Fuck! Keep writing.:twilightsmile:

Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)

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